I've stumbled upon an Internet goldmine. At first glance, it appeared to be some kind of "Yahoo! Answers" for refined, cultured types. A site where erudite, sophisticated people come together to seek the answers to life's most meaningful questions.
Questions like, "WHAT IS A CERVIX AGEEN I CRNT BELIEVE I FORGOT LOOL"
Looling indeed, m'lady! You forgot ageen? I daresay, you'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
After thoroughly perusing this treasury of queries and responses, I feel I have come away enlightened and with a greater sense of self-awareness and inner peace. Allow me to share with you some of the finer points of this site...
One inquisitive young woman wonders:
"How to stop queefing?"
and a young gentleman comes to her aid with a prompt reply:
"Making a girl queef, to a guy, is just a sign that you're really hiding it up good. If you've never made a girl queef, you're not doing it right. Also, the more aroused a girl gets, the more predictable she is to queef, so it's only a bad point if you don't know what it is."
If you've never made a girl queef, you're not doing it right. Are you taking notes, men?
Another young woman wonders:
"What chemicals could be put within panties to tighten up loose flaps?"
and receives her answer: "Aluminum."
Aluminum! Who knew! There is no reason to ever visit a doctor again! What use is medicine and science when we've got all the answers we need right here at this virtual oracle of sound advice? Get lost, physicians, we've got it covered!
Another woman is desperate for help:
"God, i need some good comebacks for those boobless attacks.? people r constantly teasing me and my friend about being flatcheasted (she's more flat that me so she get's tham more often. this is 4 her. well...sorta lol, me 2) I don;t kknow weather to laugh or be angry or... idk. COMEBACKS?"
Well, young lady, you have come to the right place. Let's see what cutting witticisms your fellow scholars have devised for your retorts.
"like, at lease my boobs arent so big that I can;t see my toes!"
Zing!
"do you need a life jacket when you have one attached?"
Oooh, count it!
"who needs a car with air bags?"
Absolutely nobody, that's who.
"when you run do you smack yourself in the face?"
Lool!
"at least i can find bathing suits in my size"
Up top, girlfriend!
"less fun on top equals more fun on the bottom"
It's true, do the math!
"at least they dont flat in the wind when i run"
No flatting in the wind for you!
"If its a guy, just say, they are probably bigger than your dick!"
Um...*confused face*...yes.
"At least i wont have back pains from those two tvs on your chest"
TVs! How creative! Televisions are indeed large and bulky, like breasts, it's true.
So clever! I can't just stand back as a participant. I must step in and humbly propose my submissions for boobless comebacks:
"I'm rubber you're glue, your TV breasts flat in the wind like big floppy dicks."
Oh, heavens. This is harder than it looks. How about:
"Your large breasts are garbage breasts!"
Well, lesson learned. Leave the advice-giving to the experts.
Lastly, it appears even the most refined intellectuals seek sexual advice from time to time. It's quite possible they're more like us than we realize:
"Is it bleak to put a toy up your Virgina?"
"Depends, probably not if the toy is a train set or something big with a lot of moving metal parts."
Are you in need of some good advice? Start here: Go, learn, grow.
71 comments:
Is there nothing aluminum can't do? It keeps people from reading our thoughts AND tightens up our junk!
Lool! That was great!
From this day forward, I vow to use LOOL instead of the old, boring LOL.
Ladies, I'm over here hiding it up good thinking of your big TVs!
RL LOOL! what a genius to compare boobs to the size/shape of a tv, such originality! i mean satellite dish might have worked, but has too many syllables to function as an appropriate comeback.
Now, when he said aluminum, did he mean FOIL? Because she asked about chemicals. And I don't want to be standing in my kitchen shoving a bunch of foil up in there, if you know what I mean, if it isn't going to "tighten up my loose flaps."
I need clarification.
These are AWESOME.
I have been wondering about puting sharp metal toys in my vagina for a long time, and just never knew who to ask about it.
Or where to get a vagina.
Thanks again.
I am home this week and I'm sure my neighbour already thinks I'm slightly insane but now I'm pretty sure he's going to move out due to the loud, Satanic guffawing I just did all the way through this post. :)
And "Is it bleak to put a toy up your Virgina" is my new favourite thing to say. I might make it my email signature for April. Thank you, man!
Why, yes, Virgina - there IS a cervix queef.
(I'm thinking that these posters are either from high school or deep in the Appalachians, or is saying that an insult to high schoolers and dwellers of the Appalachians??)
Why do you do these things to us? I clicked on your damn link, where there was another link to the question "I'm 15. Should I shave 'down there?'"
Now I need to go Borax my brain.
Libby: Not to mention the Alzheimers! Such a versatile element!
Sara: Laughing out out loud is the only genuine expression of amusement.
Jen: Yes, it's a pact. Only lools.
DDJ: Oh yeah, you like my flat screens baby? Um. Crap.
lusty: Your breasts are cumbersome and useless, like upside down satellite dishes. No, see? It's like poetry.
Jules: I think he meant liquid aluminum, like the kind you find in some deodorant, apparently vaginae can't get Alzheimers.
Ed: If you can get the train track to send the train right in there without you having to use your hands, it's like "The Stranger", right?
Veg: Yeah, bleak. There's all sorts of interesting vocabulary on that site, I think the questions are filtered through some kind of translation software.
Linda: Lool I forgt again what is queef lool!
Sarah: Oh it gets better. Keep clicking. :-)
just looled my latte right up my nose. I'm want to think of something witty to write but I need to visit the site pronto. I will report back later
I think I might NEED this site because I don't understand HOW her flaps got loose? They can get LOOSE?
Jesus, like I needed something else to worry about.
I guess at least if I'm putting aluminum in my panties I probably won't remember to be completely freaked out about that...
Jordan: How many different vagina types are there? Can a porn star have any type? Answer: No specific type--just holes.
Megs: Yes, you need to build an electric fence around your groin area, sometimes flaps get a touch of the wanderlust so you need to take precautions.
My comment was going to be Open up for the choo choo! but then I realized that was the post's title. Son of a turd...
And it's true, I make the ladies queef all the time.
Man, I hate it when I'm more predictable to queef. Or something...
Wait...I feel like I used too many real words in that sentence. Let me try that again:
OMG LOOLZ! I h8 it when I'm more predictibble 2 queef. OMG! OMG! IDK! LOL!
I could SO write for that website.
Wow ... just wow. So many thoughts running through my head. Maybe aluminum is also the answer the the best maturbate ever?
...the iud because i try the copper one that planned motherliness offer and it was not well-mannered terrible puncturing pain everyday...
How can you suggest that this is "some kind of translation software"? It's POETRY! I can only dream of using words this brilliantly.
is that website being tranlsated from another language?! i don't understand anything happening on it.
"Whats the most time you enjoy to hang about until you gain your length after an abortion? dont answer if iyou're going to judge me or critisize me. capably i had an abortion almost 6 weeks ago and i still havent have my period. i did enjoy unprotected sex the first week after the abortion but im not sure if im pregnant or not. in shield that im not whats the longest time i have to keep on to get my interval again? and well i starte using pills so wouldnt that also affect my length cycle?? thanx..."
HUH?
I'm feelin' pretty disappointed that my man didn't make me queef on the regular. Maybe I should have tightened up those flappy TVs framing my Virginia.
love the ann landers of ass tag. that is all.
You've probably already seen this, but it still goes well.
Sorry. I had to cut that short. My director was hanging out and I needed to, uh, look busy NOT reading your blog.
And, aluminum ain't shit. Zirconium is the metal that tightens up loose flaps.
Or rubidium.
THAT is why I only drink canned beer. Nothing like downing a six pack of cold Coors light and toning your flaps simultaneously. It's the ultimate in recycling.
Just use a train made of aluminum. Two flaps, one stone...so to speak. LOOL
Tony: I'm queefing right now, you virile man you.
Kate: I concur to dislike assume to queef on bf lool idk but virgina flaps rumble with pleasure lool
moooooog: Pop a few holes in it with a fork, don't forget. To let the steam out.
Veronica: Aluminum is the best answer to mastrubate if ur train runs out of battreez.
Pam: I think it was translated, then translated back, then twice more, then one last time with refrigerator magnet poetry, then read aloud and transcribed by a Somalian hobo.
Alice: "length" is code for period. So is "term" and "watermelon". So obvious.
TKOG: Maybe some labia-spreading exercises beforehand would help, you would certainly surprise him and boost his ego with all the passionate queefing you're doing.
Jenny DB: I'm also the Ann Landers of ass-tag, coincidentally. You're it! teehee!
Fat Sparrow: No, I hadn't. That is the funniest fraking thing. I wish I had more composure vlogging, or I'd try something like that.
JenGid: Yes, come back and click. Maybe get drunk first, it might make more sense that way.
Mjenky: That's smart, stay away from the nonmetals and you can't go wrong. Perhaps a mercury/lead mixture?
Elly: I think you have to go a step further and stuff your flaps into the drink hole, then wear it dangling between your thighs. That'll leave you perky.
mossum: See? That's why I love you guys. Always thinking. Brilliant. Copyright it, quick. Aluminum flap-tightening pussy train.
Oh my goodness. I was definitely LOOLing when I read this post.
I'm guilty of spending giggly hours on Yahoo answers with my roommate. Who needs college with a site like this??
Wow I think my face is hurting from smiling so much, wow! I'd laugh out loud but hten I'd have to explain this to my 13 yo boy, and well not going there.
OMG, there's something wrong with me. I have never queefed. Ever. My boyfriend says it's my fault, and that makes me depressed and I forget where my cervix is and no amount of aluminum can make my loose flappies flat. But at least my boobs don't looke like TV's. They're more radio-shaped, really.
I would think that an aluminum bullet train (like a bullet vibe, only train-like) would solve those loose flaps and be a non-bleak toy for the Virginia. Unless the goal was to be bleak.
Hrumph... I've never had a queef from the arousal so I think I am missing something. Maybe if I use my aluminum bullet train and tighten up the loose flaps and maybe tone my cervix I'll be more predictable to queef.
'Scuse me now whilst I go get more enlightenment!
Oh. Oh, my.
Yes, Yahoo answers can be so funny. Hours of entertainment and time I can never get back.
Why do you wish firm folding? They become queef less with aluminum underpant. Your love man is become crestfallen sad loool :<
Yeah ok. Like I'm gonna go hunt down "liquid aluminum." I'll just use foil.
Holy shit. That is BLEAK.
Ohhhhhh internet. How do you be so inclusive? Some people just shouldn't have a voice.
This made me happy in my pants! Note to everyone, if you want something tightened, don't use aluminum, a 1/3 to 2/3 mixture of matter and anti-matter is recommended.
To Jules,
If you can't find liquid aluminum in your local metalurgy supply outlet, you can simply melt down 4 sticks of Secret, mix the resulting slurry with acetone, run through a cheesecloth, et voila!
I am looling so much that I queefed.
If only I knew what that meant!
I'm afraid of the robojunk.
And if you click on the "About Us" link it says:
"About us
womenanswers.org is a completely free site female health knowledge, we set up sites in 2006,
it has provided more than 70,000 on women's health problems.
We hope that we can all help to doubt the health of women."
Oh, yes, you help to doubt the health of women...mental health...
Aluminum! It works for all KINDS of roast beef!
Also, I looked at the website and then totally lost track of my sanity.
She needs this t-shirt: http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/who-needs-big-tits-when-you-have-an-ass-like-this/
YOU keep clicking. Perv.
erin - yesyes, there is indeed some strange translation going on. i second becky's vote that refrigerator magnet poetry translation was involved. however, sea sponge tampons and gladrags are both alternative period-managing products common within the earthy-crunchy crowd. healthier for you and much better for the earth. personally, they didn't work well for me, but i do love menstrual cups ... tmitmi? lool.
So THAT'S what I've been missing in my life. More queefs. Check annndd check.
As a dude I'd have to agree with "less fun on top equals more fun on the bottom" but then I'm a pervert.
Plus I have to check out this women's health thing because some of those ladies are obviously not quite playing with the full deck and those sort of ladies compose my entire social life!
Hilarious! Everything on that site is off. Way off. It reminds me off the poorly translated words I find on products made in other countries. "Collectable. Not use for kids."
Holy crap, I haven't laughed this loud since I can't even remember when. Thanks for that gem of a site.
I had no idea a queef was natures way of letting the male subject know that the female is experiencing infinite ecstasy; that kid's like a Doogie Howser.
Q-q-q-q...shit. I hate that word.
See, these answers just inspire more questions:
What if you don't wear panties? Do you duct tape the aluminum to your virgina? Ouch. Or, do you mold the foil to it and hope it stays? What if your flaps are too tight?
Flat screen TVs are less bulky than the older models. Should that be taken into consideration?
And lastly: Why did I shell out the big bucks on a special virgina toy when I could have just used the kid's Tickle Me Elmo doll's fist or Hannah Montana Guitar handle. Uh, GAWD!
looooooools.
the sad thing is...THESE PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY PROCREATING. I weep for society.
I know I've always got an Etch-a-Sketch or two up my vagina at my bleakest times.
I can't wait for The Man to get home so I can thank him for "hiding it up good". Bwahahahahaha. God I love people.
*lines drawers with aluminum*
LOOLing!! But it's Cream of Tarter that tightens up yer loose Virgina flaps, not aluminum.
I can finally throw away my magic 8-ball and also stop asking my dead godmother for advice (hers was pretty good though).
LOOL!! Hilarious! We vote for the 'garbage breasts'comeback.
Hilarious! From the mouths of boobs, eh? Such great advice! If any of you ladies need any tightening up down there, I have some extra rain gutter you can use. I'm gonna hit up this site for more pearls of wisdom! Thanks for sharing!
LOOL!!!!!!! I was going to say that my flaps could use some aluminum but i got distracted by "Ben" up there. How cute is he?
Thanks for the sidebar plug, eh?
"Is it bleak to put a toy up your Virginia?" Wow. I can't help but picture a pornographic Wyeth painting.
I can't wait to go to this site so I can more accurately identify the kind of woman I never want to date.
So I decided to google "aluminum panties" to see if that even exists because, hello, the internet only tells the truth.
1) I forgot that I turned my safe search off last week. MISTAKE.
2) I found this link. You're welcome.
Finally a forum to ask my undying question: what kind of puppetry can you do with a virginia?
I know we are not into LOL-ing over here. But LOOLing is something I just totally did. I have not LOOLed that hard in awhile. Thanks for making me LOOL, Steamy!
The damn aluminum never worked for me.
"Your large breasts are garbage breasts!"
If I haven't shouted this at someone by the time I fall asleep tonight, I shall consider myself a failure.
I just found your blog from the Illustrious D. And I'm staying.= here, whether you like it or not.
I don't even go for orgasms anymore. If I can get a girl queefing all the way to the bathroom, I know I've done my job.
That is amazing. People are so smart.
Those are questions I would ask of my girlfriends, not random strangers online.
My flaps need no tightening via aluminum, but it is good to know that I'm allowed to stick a toy train up my hooha.
Why has no one snapped you up to write comedy for some great network or movie? This blog is the only place where I consistently laugh out loud.
I was asking Google something about ducks the other day and it suggested, "Are ducks birds" as the most common question. I have lost all faith in humanity.
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