iiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnn...and ouuuuuuuttttttt. That felt good. Do you feel good? I do. I feel great. I'm glad we took that moment together. Happy spring, you guys. Thanks for sharing that with me.
Now, what was I going to write about? Oh yeah. Let's draw some dicks.
I, myself, do not recall ever attempting to draw a penis. I'm not very artistic, although I will, on occasion, admire someone else's drawing of a penis. Am I an expert? Far from it. I'm not here to instruct, but rather to explore, analyze, and hopefully...(humble face)...inspire.
The first thing you must consider when delving into the topic of dick art is how your post title will look on your blog friends' sidebars. It's hard to believe, but there are bloggers out there who might not appreciate your artistic spirit livening up their blogrolls:
Roseann's Musings, Ramblings, Ponderings, and Thoughts
Health Care Reform? Oh, brother...
Confessions of a Loling Blogger
Teh unicorns are made of win!
Getting Snarky with God
Rest in Peace, Mr. Fluffyknickers
Photos from Heaven
Raindrops dangling from flower petals, part 7
Steam Me Up, Kid
I draw dicks and balls real good
I know, you're thinking, "That penis at the bottom really spruces up the joint! I'd be honored to promote that blog post on my sidebar!" and I would second that sentiment, and that, my friendish, is why we're both here right now. Exploding fistbump.
But, out of respect, consider hiding your dick post behind a "title beard", such as a googled quote about springtime by some dead pretentious schmo. Bonus points if it includes the word "hath".
I would be remiss if I didn't give credit to Sarah P at Naked Cupcakes, who if you aren't reading yet, you should be, because she's fucking hilarious. She sent me a lovely card in the mail recently which was the inspiration for this post. She writes:
Dear Becky,
I love dicks. I draw them all day and all night. Dicks dicks dicks. Eat em up yum. Dicks on the brain. Can't get enough. But recently, I've developed doubts about my dicks. I need your help. Tell me honestly, do my balls look right? Love, Sarah P
Sarah P, I completely understand your artistic choices with regard to balls. We are all well aware that balls don't come individually wrapped in separate little cherry-like scrotums. But what choice do we have, as artists, and as women who love our men. Sometimes, the truth hurts.
What would you have us do, men??
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE US DO??
See what I mean? You done good, Sarah. Long live cherryballs.
But you got me to thinking, Sarah. How important are balls in penis art? I believe inclusion of balls should be examined on a case-by-case basis. For example, I came upon this chalk illustration on the playground recently:
See? No balls. But what does "Happy Birthday Giant Cock Friend" (chalk on asphalt, 2009) have that most other dick drawings don't have? Friendship. And cake. How important are balls when we have friendship and cake? That's a question for the ages, my friends.
Now that we've opened the door to various media, I realize that what I said before about not having much dick drawing experience, while true, did not take into account my expertise in the Pancake Arts.
In my experience, the best thing about pancake dicks is pretending you didn't intend to fashion the pancake in the shape of a dick at all. When my friends come to visit with their kids, I serve up my giant phallic flapjacks that are so obscenely long (thank you, 20" skillet) that half the shaft hangs off the side of the plate, syrup dribbling suggestively off the tip, and their kids go YUM!! and other appreciative words that are muffled on account of their mouths being crammed with buttery testicles, and my friends make angry faces at me and I go
Me: What? What's the problem?
Friend: You know what's the problem. Stop feeding my kids dick-shaped breakfast foods.
Me: Dick-shaped? What's wrong with you? For your information, these are elephant heads, sicko.
I'm sorry, I'm still not seeing it.
Kid 1: I love elephant pancakes!!
Kid 2: Mommy, his trunk is longer than my trunk! I want a longer trunk!
Me: Oh, you know what though? Yours is thicker. That's what counts.
Friend: I think maybe Auntie Becky needs to see a special doctor.
Kid 1: Look at me! I'm a sword swallower! *dangles wangcake above mouth*
Friend: I just died a little in my heart.
Me: Your kids sure do love elephants, huh. Where's my camera?
My point is, when considering dick art, free your mind. The age of the pen-on-spiral doodling horny virgin teen has come to an end. We are entering a renaissance of dick art, with the introduction of photoshop and paint programs. But before we look ahead, we must look back, because those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, and I think we can all agree that human civilization has endured enough of those nubby little cherubic wangs. I'm looking at you, Baroque period. Never again.
So here we go, a look back. I've worked really hard on this. It was difficult, because as you can probably guess by now I have trouble staying focused sometimes, especially when it comes to stuff like history, but I think I did a good job. I hope it's not too cerebral. I really want you to like it. So nervous!!! Squeee!!
And now, I humbly present, my blog thesis...
The Complete World History of Dicks in Art
Part 1
Early Dick Art: Stuff in Europe
The DaVinci Choad
Quick side note:
Something I won't eat because it looks like Marilyn Manson's penis.
Oh my God, this one's even worse.
It looks like a zombie rising from the grave, boner first.
Hahaha!! Epic ham fail lol!!
Intermission:
Storm Troopers riding dogs!
Conclusion: Modern Dick Art
The Birth of Photoshop
Totally brought it full circle.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, why. Why write about dick art? It's vulgar and pointless, and adds nothing to the blogosphere. And maybe you're right.
I will admit, I had my doubts too. But yesterday morning, as I sat in bed thinking about whether this topic was worth the time and effort, I received a sign from God on my closet door.
Yes, that's right. It's a pregnant woman with a giant dangly cock. Now, I'm not saying this shadow is something akin to a visit from the angel Gabriel or that I am some kind of modern-day Mary chosen by God to bring forth unto you the gift of the penii, but I do happen to be a mother of dog, and I am a virgin (airways frequent flyer) so, I mean, come on.
Or I guess it could have been the pregnant naked tranny standing over by my window when I took this photo. But I like the chosen by God thing better. Let's go with that.
53 comments:
The birthday cake is making me wonder whether a penis has a different birthday than the guy it's attached to...
Like does it celebrate it's birth as the day it was circumcised (if it was) or the first time it made a sexual explosion? or just the day it came out of its mom (that's what she said. ew so gross).
Please let me know. It's going to bug me until I find out for sure.
Also, the next guy I date is getting a birthday cake for his penis. Someone should warn him.
I love "The DaVinci Choad" joke so hard that I want to take it out for dinner and try to act casual but then ask it questions like "Do you think we'll have attractive children?" and "How soon after you meet someone do you know you want to marry them?" and then it doesn't return my calls and gets all stuck-up and gets a court-order and then I can't get close enough to slip it roofies. Whore.
My balls look like Faberge Eggs. Fact.
PS: I should totally get bonus points for not making a "Dangles and Semens" Dan Brown reference.
Wow. You did some serious research. I had a student drawing dicks the other day. I'll have to see what I did with his art......
P.S. Who wouldn't want to wake up to penis pancakes? I think it'd be a much happier world if more restaurants added those to their menus.
You can also make the penis with bacon. Sausage links are too obvious. Or you can forget the penis and make boobs, which is what I do when I'm making breakfast for my nephew. I've never made any breakfast food penises, but I can make a mean vagina out of a cinnamon roll.
Someone stole my Superbad comment (MY LAWYER WILL BE IN TOUCH, BITCH), but I found this:
http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=22536
Amazing.
Also..even though your dick drawing skills are unparralleled, "Stormtroopers riding dogs" stole it from you.
If you want to sue them, let me know.
My lawyer is standing by.
I love your rendition of the ball sack - so very life like. C'mon..we all know there's nothing pretty about the ball sack.
As for your post being POINTless...I totallly disagree. I've been laughing for the last five minutes!
We are currently in a renaissance of dick art? Great. I am always behind the curve. Thanks for keeping me in the loop.
A related quandry: I'm having a tough time laying out my brick patio because every design looks like tits, to me. I think that says something about me, but I don't know what.
By the way, a good ol' NSFW warning would have been good right here, Beckster. Just about got fired a minute ago. And by "just about got fired", I mean I heard footsteps in the hall, I panicked and minimized the screen. But it was a close call.
What a coincidence.
I make vagina pancakes.
They aren't for eating though.
Cause they're art.
Someone drew the best dick art on the rear (heh heh) window of my son's car. It was amazingly anatomically correct, complete with dripping tip. I couldn't figure out who did it....until now.
That revised card from Sarah completely blew my mind. That's so true. Why have I never noticed that before? What is this ball-related conspiracy, and why was I not informed sooner?? And who are these people with no scrotum who've been modeling for playground kids for years?
You've made me think. Truly. I am grateful.
Penises make me happy. And so do you. I left you a bloggy award on my most recent post. Check it out!
Those wangcakes are a work of art - they're almost crepe-ish! Ooh la la!
(Except if they're French they're too long. I'm just saying. Think Hervé Villechaize.)
I can't wait to make penis pancakes for other people's kids.
I don't know my neighbors that well, but I don't think those kids would turn down a pancake breakfast. I mean, who would?
"Lookit me, I'm a sword swallower!"
Priceless.
If I left the comment I wanted to, it would be longer than your post. And I'm not a spotlight stealer. Suffice it to say that I'm quitting blogging.* The pancake part just made me weep. I hope you served them with sausage links.
*Yes, based on my output lately, it looks like I've already quit. Just shut up and accept the compliment already, Becky!
You can't question a sign from God like that. Hey, what is that red and blue thing in your closet? A thigh master? A sex toy? What is it?
I was too distracted by the fact that birthday cock does not have balls, but appears to have a hand.
I have not decided yet if that is awesome or horrifying.
For what it's worth, this was an unbelievably hard post to get through while in class. Luckily, its awesomeness level far surpassed its awkwardness (and there was a lot of it.
The peniscakes were pretty much the best thing ever, closely followed by the zombie dicks, and true commentary of the weirdness of the male ballitalia.
So basically everything.
If you actually have a dick, or know someone who does, you can sit on a piece of paper and trace it out with a pen. Not that I've ever done that, I'm just saying you could.
This must have been a hard post to research!
Bwaaaa ha ha ha I just crack myself up...
Wangcakes. You are a special angel, Steamy.
The elephant/dick pancakes are inspired. I wish you could be my personal chef.
The ham penis is my favorite. No wait, the crumply ball sack with hairs and spiders is my favorite. NO! wait, the pancake wiener is my favorite.
I know! I'll let my 3 year old decide.
Yup. she likes the pancakes the best. What is with pancake-dicks and kids?
Oh my lord the dick pancakes were just to much. There was even a fry mark that looks kind of like a vein! How fun!
I'm asking for elephant dick pancakes for my next birthday breakfast.
Love. Love.
WANGCAKE.
New life mission: make that happen.
It'll be just like "fetch" from Mean Girls, except actually catch on.
"Oh, Sandra Bullock was just dealt a big load of wangcake."
"Be good, or Santa won't bring you any wangcake this year."
"My dad's wangcake is bigger than your dad's..."
Oh God. Stopping now.
Great, now I have "Detachable Penis" stuck in my head. Um, the song, that is. And you know what smell is wafting through the air here? Pancakes, because the Fledgling's home from Uni and that's what she made for breakfast.
Have I told you lately that I love you? Anyone who can get away with serving penis pancakes to their friends' kids and not get banished is a person that should be running the U.N.
Scrotums are not attractive, it doesn't matter how you draw them or present them. You know I've seen "Quills" twice, and the only thing I remember about it is Geoffrey Rush's droopy ball sack, as shot from behind. Now, every time I see Geoffrey Rush, all I can think about is his ball sack. It's a good thing I don't have to work with him, because I would just never get past that.
Chiefy: Dicks? Gross! Why are you thinking about dicks? Scram, perv.
Maxie: Yes, definitely warn him, especially if you're going to do that spanking-them-once-for-each-year-they've-been-alive thing. Also, warn yourself, because those things bounce back pretty hard.
Kurt: I knew you'd appreciate DaVinci Choad. I wish balls looked like Cadbury Eggs, but if they did I bet you fellas would be in trouble because you know how we women LURVE our chocolate LOL!
Jules: I love when kids draw dicks. You just wanna say, "Good job buddy, now everyone knows what your dick looks like."
Mayo: That's funny, because i can make a mean penis out of a pecan log. And I do mean "mean", that crunchy pecan coating tears my shit up.
Heretic Mama: Then maybe is wasn't so pointless after all. Cue happy theme song.
moooooog: Whatever bitch, storm troopers riding dogs aint got nothin on my hairy nutsack. That's what she said?
Aly: If nothing else, manwhores are good for the blog. You know you want to.
Dual Mom: You know if women had ball sacks we'd decorate them with glittery stickers and toulle. Because God forbid our sacks go au natural. Oh NO, we cant have men see our ball sacks in their natural state, CAN WE??!!! Bastards.
Scott: Yes, try to keep up. We just left the Dark Ages. I was going to try to do a play on words there, but "Cark Ages" wasn't cutting it.
Jen O: The nsfw is implied by the Heil Hitler up there. Are your bricks mirrored and are you topless when you lay them? That could explain it.
Ed: Are you saying my wangcakes aren't art? They're art, Ed, it's just that I have (other people's) CHILDREN to feed. It's not all about me and my vision.
Miss Y: Yeah, you got me. I've been camping out in your bushes ever since you were looking for a home for Carlos. It was a one-way bus ticket, I really didn't have the cash for round trip. I don't appreciate the window tint, by the way. Makes my job that much more difficult.
Curiosity: My theory is that little boys are so new to the idea of dicks that they only see their perspective from above. Most of them haven't looked under and discovered the balls yet.
Sara: thank you! I'm glad my penises made you smile.
Brutalism: I rented her/im, for research for this post, actually. I work hard for my no money.
Vic: I thought the only distinguishing thing about French penises was the little black mustache at the tip. I learn so much from you, Vic.
Saratogajean: Start small and work up to wangcakes if you don't know them well. Maybe a couple sausage links and a wink, to test the waters.
WWW: Yeah, wangcakes have that effect on some people. Just too majestic to comprehend. And perhaps eliminating the use of the word "output" will get you going again, robot boy. Wink emoticon.
WTWA: Yes, it's a thighmaster. It totally works, I can crack a walnut between my thighs. Ok, an egg maybe. I can definitely crack a sandwich, I know that for sure.
Beta: But ACTUAL dicks are beautiful, is what she probably meant. Because they are. *collective female wink*
Meg: Well, you can't very well offer a scrotum in friendship, can you?
Sarah P: I totally have a lady boner. Great. The doorbell just rang. I need some masking tape and a shamwow, quick.
Lynn: And for groundbreaking culinary tips?
softnonny: In class? I hope you got a corner seat!
HOLD ON BE RIGHT BACK
Oh God, wangcakes just made my day! Nay, it hath made my week!! Thank you for that.
The Da Vinci Choad is the funniest fucking thing in the world, except for maybe the zombies rising from the grave, boner first. Talk about a nightmare. Christ.
Over here in my neck of the woods (heh) we've got a steamy fan club going. Only some of us are actual 16 year old boys...the rest just think like them.
Yeah. In class. And no, second row, right in the middle. But I made the executive decision to continue reading in front of everybody, and regret nothing.
I've been waiting all day for my husband to call me so I can tell him about Da Vinci Choad.
It's killing me.
I think he has to see the Marilyn Manson penis for himself. Words aren't enough.
You draw anatomically correct testicles AND you make peencakes? You are truly a renaissance woman.
Sigh. Becky, Becky, Becky.
Holy balls, did you draw a tick on that scrotum? (Wait...I feel like I've said this before...)
I've made penilecakes for breakfast but always use eggs for testicles. It's like looking at a ball x-ray.
And is that bok choy, or some other healthy shit? Cause now I totally want to call the Man's penis a bok choy. Bok choy. Can't stop saying it.
I'm going to make it 50. I used to make Mickey Mouse waffles for the demon spawn, but NOW I think big wangcakes will be on the menu at Chez Linnnn. Whipped cream on the side...
Oh! What's that over there in your sidebar? --->
Oh, that's right. It's a dick drawing. You are proudly displaying it.
It's my little way of saying, "Thank you for making me out to be a dick fiend and also for the hours of research you must have completed for this post."
Who has two thumbs and comments three times on a dick post? This guy.
It's all about the schlong. I'm going to bring vagina back. (Sing that Justin.) Just as soon as I throw out all the ham in my fridge.
This comment thingy won't let us post pictures...so please Google: "Fillette, Louise Bourgeois". You won't be sorry. Dick art at its best.
your peen-us-ess are sneaky in their hiding. happy spring to you as well, lovely.
teeheehee . . . you said testicles . . . teeheehee
Holy crap I never came back to finish commenting back. What the hull happened?
Ok...
Capn: CUTE! It's like that traced-hand turkey that little kids do for their parents on thanksgiving. You should totally make cards.
Skys dad: It WAS hard, rock hard. This post bent me over and fucked me up the ass...to research. Wordplay is hard.
JAG: It's white asparagus, it's vile looking. And it's totally Marilyn's dick. I think he snaps the tip off and lets it dangle when he does that dead lifeless marionette pose he's got.
Soda: I knew wangcakes would tip you off about my whole sent-from-heaven thing. That word is just too glorious.
Beck: I have not, unless you count the penis puppet shows my brother used to perform for my friends when he was little. But you probably don't mean that.
Amanda: I did one, just once, that was a perfect likeness of a man and a woman doing it doggy style. Havent been able to recreate it since. That was a magical morning.
Hippo B: Poor crumply ball sack loses out to pancake dick again. Aint that always the case, though.
Sociomanic: When they get older, I'll add chocolate chips and we'll talk about stds.
Ells: They're actually better than regular pancakes, because there's more edge to them, and the edge is where the crispy part is. Yay dickcakes!
Lilu: I kind of wish my last name were Wang so I could open up a breakfast diner called "Wangcakes".
Fat S: They are not attractive, but they move slowly and constantly like a lava lamp. I could watch them for hours. You know, make a bowl of popcorn, and lay there facing them, propped up on my elbows and saying things like "Oooh, lefty just pulsed and shriveled up, what's he gonna do next??" But we both know how that would turn out, because they always want something in return for the show. Pfft. Men.
SeaD: Hath! Dang, yo. Thanks for classing up the joint!
LL: In the official workplace violation handbook, my blog has officially been categorized as a "grey area," just like your mom's bush. <--stole that from Kurt
Fatty S: That will haunt me til the day I die. Holy crap. If the inventor of Photoshop saw that he'd feel like Einstein with the freakin atomic bomb right about now.
i.b.: Waiwaiwait. Somewhere out there is a 16 year old boy who likes my blog? High. Praise. Also the thinkers like 16 year olds, of course. But a real live one? *blush* <---not sarcasm
soft nonny: Last time I was in class and checked my email sneaky-like, I didn't realize the volume was up, and when I signed off, aol shouted "GOODBYE!" and it echoed through the auditorium. That was embarrassing, cause, you know... the aol.
Sarah P: So howd it work out? Did he like it? I bet he proposed to you all over again, huh.
Sada: I can do at least three other things too, but I don't want to get all braggy here. I'm pretty humble.
Em: Em, Em, Em. Mem mem mem. Memememememememem. What was I talking about?
Pearl: YAY! I made TEARS! *dramatic bow*
Dawn: Hm, I like the egg testicles. That way you can play "check for testicular cancer" while you eat.
Mama W: Much obliged, Mama.
Linnnn: Maybe graduate them to boobcakes first, wangcakes is a pretty big leap from mickey mouse. I really should dole out parenting advice more often.
Sarah: I love my sidebar dick, I'm wearing it proudly. I'm sorry for posting all that stuff about how you love dick and want to eat all the dicks in the world, I didn't realize that was just between us.
Elly: Vagina is so March. Schlong is the new grey.
Mary: I'm afraid! Ok, I'll google it, but it better be tasteful because my sensibilities are pretty refined.
mepsipax: That's a good point, nobody wants to see a cherub carrying his own dick around like a side of beef. that's a lie, I totally do.
Becky: I have the sneakiest peen in all the land.
ClaireMMD: I like testicles because it sounds like popsicles. But they don't taste like popsicles. No way. Fool me once, shame on you, Mr. ice cream truck man.
I know I'm like the eight millionth commenter - so everything witty has already been said - but I just laughed so hard at this whole post my entire work family is getting ready to ship me home for the day. Win!
By the time I got to the penis pancakes I was laughing so hard that my husband started to give me dirty looks, and the naked Ronald McDonald David finished me off.
Will you now be presenting a page of vagina art for us gentlemen, who are now feeling inferior after seeing your wardrobe door shadow thing...
Other than that, bravo!
http://www.puppetryofthepenis.com/
You have to watch the videos. These guys are...wait for it...NUTS!
you are insane. that was hilarious. Thanks for dirtying up my sunday.
Philip
I was intrigued by the Obvious Tick that was affixed to the ball Sack that resembled the butt...How is it as well that you found yourself present enough to photograph WankerCakes? I just know I would have been without my camera!
I stared at each of this photos for several hours a piece and I think some are forgeries.
Love,
Tom Cruise
Oh, my god. Thank you for this. It's the course that was missing from my Art History degree. Now I feel complete.
Bwahahahahahaa!!! My son totally drew penis pictures at school when he was 5. In the principal's office! I actually blogged about it, and his balls were two little gumball shaped things hanging from strings.
Good times, good times...
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