Me: What the hell is going on in there?
Jack: That's mom. She's doing your P90X workout DVDs in the next room.
Me: Holy shit! Is she okay?
Jack: I know. It sounds like a cat in a room full of tall lamps.
(From behind the door, CRASH!)
Mom: I'm okay! It was the chair! The chair fell over!
Jack: She keeps kicking the chairs over. She won't wear her glasses while she's exercising, is the problem. I went in there to check on her and she kicked me in the hamstring.
Me: What's that swooshing noise?
Jack: That? Why, funny you should ask. That...is a hula hoop.
Me: Um... There's no hula hoop in P90X.
Jack: Yes I know. She's made some interesting substitutions.
(From behind the closed door, the sound of hula hoop skidding across the wood floor)
Mom: Whoop! Yikes!
(Bare feet plod plod plodding across the floor, hula hoop is recovered, whoosh-whoosh-whoosh resumes)
P90X guy: Yes! You are an animal! When I said BRING IT, you BROUGHT IT! And you made it YOUR BITCH!
Mom: Wooo!! YEA!! *whoosh, whoosh, whoosh*
Me: Well, hula hoop is good for your abs anyhow... strengthens your... core...
Jack: *shaking head*
Me: What? No?
Jack: *sigh*
Me: She's hula hooping around her neck again, isn't she? She's gonna crush her trachea, I swear.
Jack: It's the only way she can keep the hoop up.
Me: So... when the P90X gang starts in with the pull ups, you're telling me mom participates by spinning a hula hoop on her NECK? Does this make any sense to you?
Jack: She changes it up, though. Like when they do deep lunge kicks she does the "She's a Maniac" run in place thing from Flashdance instead. And when they start doing those pike sit-ups, she sings "Louie Louie" and does that hitchhiker thumbs-over-the-shoulder move. And sometimes when she gets confused she just shrugs and does that dance from the 20's where you put your hands on your knees and then touch your knees together and send your hands off to the opposite knees.
Me: Oh, yeah, that's a classic. You know what? We should make her a new workout DVD. We can be all YEAH, YOU ANIMAL! GRRR!! WORK IT! MAKE THE CHARLESTON YOUR BITCH!
Jack: Heh. YEAH, DIVAS! WE'RE GONNA PAUSE HERE AND GIVE YOU 30 SECONDS TO GO FIND YOUR GLASSES, BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO DEMONSTRATE A BRAND NEW MOVE CALLED WAGGLING YOUR FINGER IN THE AIR TO BIG BAND MUSIC!
Me: ALRIGHT YOU ANIMALS, YOU'RE GONNA PUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT LEG IN, AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT RIGHT BACK OUT, LIKE THE DIVA THAT YOU ARE!! 20 REPS, IN AND OUT, GOGOGOGOGO!!!
Jack: HAHAHA!!
Me: Heehee! Oh, we should stop. We're mean.
Jack: We are. She's 65 and she's doing most of P90x for God's sake. That's pretty cool.
(From behind the door, hula hoop skitters across the floor and crashes)
Mom: YOW! Oof! Dang butterfingers!!
Jack: You did P90X a while ago, right?
Me: Pff. Yeah, for maybe a week. I got bored.
Jack: It's repetitive, huh.
Me: Same thing over and over.
Jack: Yeah, I don't know how she keeps up with it.
(The door to the next room opens and mom peeks through.)
Mom: Hey guys, could one of you grab the blue painter's tape for me?
Me: Painter's tape?
Jack: Ab Ripper X.
Me: ...??...
Jack: You know... for the hopscotch part.
50 comments:
Don't we all just love parents? They're hilarious at times.
I did that hands on knees move this weekend at the club. And sure maybe it was the Rotary Club but I fit right in.
The hula portion of P90X is designed to be EXTREME! The hoop is supposed to be on fire!
OOOO-wa-aaa-aaa-aaa!(*chugs Mt. Dew, flips page in comic book*)
Funny stuff! Thanks for making my brain squirt out of my nose from laughing so hard...now I have all this clean up to do ;o)
I know you have a lot of readers and probably don't get to read other new blogs but if you have some time, maybe you would like to visit mine?
It's a wacky, funny blog that would make a 4 year old jealous cause of it's awesomeness...you know you wanna ( i know, it's shameless self promotion, but how else do you get to know people who are into the same things as me?)
It's puts the website into the computer....
http://www.thewritingwomb.com
thanks for making me laugh and for the support
She obviously needs a tiny trampoline.
Are you or are you not a supportive daughter?
Yet she has still done more physical activity over the past week (year) than I have.
Damnit.
With all these mental images in my head now, I only have one question:
Is anyone else here horny?
It's just me, isn't it.
I wouldn't read that writing womb blog, as I think the writer just said their brains fell out...? ouch, btw, that would hurt.
Wait, do brains have nerve endings? I bet they actually don't. Never mind.
I need to go and do some exercise now, I feel guilty!
I wish that I had known back in 6th grade that hula hooping around the neck was a replacement for pull ups. Would have really saved my ass in gym class, you know?
I substitute doing the Charleston for pretty much everything. Last week I Charlestoned my way through the line at the post office. Then when I got to the front of the line I switched to the Pony (Do the Po-ony!) just to inspire the guy behind the counter.
Wait, wait, wait. Do you mean I could be neck hula hooping and doing the Charleston instead of stupid Jillian and her shred? Maybe you can record your Mom and sell her version?
I just can't with you. I'm still trying to digest the DaVinci Choad, and now this??
Wait. That came out wrong. I'm not trying to Digest a choad. Not the DaVini one anyway. The pancake dicks are for digesting. The DaVini's for appreciating. I know from art. Gonna get the painters tape out now, time to kick some ass.
When you're finished making your workout DVD, send me a copy. It sounds way more fun than any other one I've done. Can I eat oreos while I do your workout?
And yet she's STILL done more of the P90X workout than I have.
Mom is a badass.
P90X+65+Hoola Hoop
That's like some seriously hardcore old folks home shit.
Maybe call it G90X.....Gerital 90 X.
The Charleston is fucking hard. You should make that a work out dvd. I think it would take off.
Might I just say: I would 100% be behind a an exercise program that consisted of hula hooping and a good foxtrot. Particularly if we could engage in a round of old-timey boxing every now and again, just to keep our honourable fists and moustaches in shape.
http://blogs.warwick.ac.uk/images/jmiles/2007/03/23/conley-mike-22.jpg
I don't think the hands-on-knees dance is actually the Charleston. I thought it was the Funky Chicken, but that's not it either. Now it's bugging me. The Lindy Hop, maybe? Please ask your mom what it's called.
Your mom is awesome and super-inventive!
(Nothing to do with this post, that's just what it says in the men's room)
; )
Did you enjoy eating those Twinkees while you guys made fun of your mom working out?
Give your mom just a little more time on P90X and she will be throwing out the Hanz and Franz (claps hands) pump you up move!
In related news: Exercise is bullshit. Your mom has the right idea.
Also: I'm going to Charleston soon. You know, for a weekend. So I can do the dance. And get shittarded drunk.
I heard for push - ups it is okay to substitute hula hoop around one ankle and jump over it as it comes around. . . just a suggestion.
Your mom is going to be the coolest old lady at the nursing home someday.
this is why i love you. exactly.
I wish my mom was as cool as yours.
Aw your mom's adorable!
I was wondering. How many calories can you burn by just WATCHING that DVD, on the couch, while eating chips?
I do the electric slide during the lunges...We should totally work out together.
I would like to see what your Mom does with a Jillian Michaels' DVD!
A cat in a room full of tall lamps is so much better than bull in a china shop.
Also, I am waiting patiently for you to invite me over to your mom's for dinner some night.
Please tell me that picture is one you actually took of your mother with multi-hoops.
I do love it when people ask me to visit their blog in my comments. (virtual knowing fist bump)
Ahhh, now it all makes sense. Genetically speaking...
I will now eat my weight in Butterfingers. That was the point of that, right? I'mma make that crunchy, peanut-buttery center my bitch. Boo yah.
I just laughed really hard. That's like working out, right?
Your mom's trachea must be rock hard.
At least your mom uses your exercise to exercise. The Spouse Sparrow uses my exercise videos to wank.
Ah, parents. Never a dull moment. I remember watching some future in-laws do the hula hoop portion of wii fit...I got a better workout from laughing than anything else.
So really what she needs is not so much p90x, but sweating with the oldies, am I right or am I right?
SMy mother has every Richard simmons work out vhs tape ever made. And the kicker? She's in better shape than me.
Your dialogue is the stuff of dreams. Big-grinnin', there-might-be-beer-in-the-fridge dreams.
Pearl
I have to wonder if you and your brother's dialogue did not match your mother's tempo? Brilliant fun...thanks.
I've heard that power-walking like an Egyptian is an amazing workout too. Feel free to pass this tip along to your mom.
Thanks to you, I've eaten my way through an entire tub of butterfinger ice cream already. Summabitch.
I did the hopscotch part. I could feel the burn in my loins. I don't think the two were related, though. I get that burning a lot.
If only I were half as hardcore as your mom...
fantastic, I love your mother's inventiveness! And butterfingers!
Mama Steamy could be the new Ninja Turtle -- instead of numchucks she'll hula her enemy to death.
Right on, Amanda! Although, I don't know, I'm trying to get the image of this woman and her hula-hoop and Richard Simmons out of my mind...it might take me a while.
this is awesome! i'd love to watch a workout video of your mom working out to the p90x. it could be amusing & maybe make me feel good about myself!
btw, just found your blog & it's refreshingly yummy.
You should promote p90x by putting an affiliate link in this page as an affiliate and make some money. You have nothing to lose.
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