You know how to whistle, don't you? Just put your lips together and GAH!!

So, let's say hypothetically, that you have a very short and mildly interesting video that you would like to post on your blog. And let's say that your previous post was about your dead dad, and that this video you'd like to post seems like a jarring follow-up to a Fathers' Day post because it features something gross, like your dog's asshole for instance. And then let's say that sometimes when you feel like you've posted something that's too gross, like your brother's poop, it makes you feel dirty in a bad way, and you don't want to feel like that today. Maybe next week, but not today. You're not in the mood. You just showered and Swiffered and everything looks nice, and you don't want any dirty dirty shame this afternoon. 

Then something tells you to be patient, because you're pretty sure you can get a better video if you just wait it out. Like, for example, continuing with the (hypothetical) dog's asshole video example, you are pretty sure that one day soon you'll be able to capture on video your dog's asshole opening and closing while you sing Marilyn's version of "Happy Birthday Mr. President", and isn't it worth it to wait because maybe you can time the words along with the puckering and releasing of the sphincter? Like dog asshole karaoke, or dog asshole Puttin' On the Hits, or dog asshole Kids Incorporated, or dog asshole maybe I haven't watched tv since 1982 but my pop culture references are still def, so step off. 

It might be a while before you can do your Marilyn sphincter karaoke though, because your dog isn't letting you anywhere near her asshole at the moment. She sees you with that camera phone and that forced nonchalant body language and the crazy eyes and her tail is clamped down tight between her legs. She's pretty smart, that dog. Don't think for a second she'll fall a second time for that Oh my, while you were napping I seem to have accidentally looped a string of dental floss around your tail and appear to be pulling it upwards in an attempt to free my floss from this labyrinth of fur and go back to sleep puppydog I'll fix it...*record video*

So lets say you've got these mixed feelings about the inconsistent tone of your blog and also about the potential opportunity for an even more disturbing and bizarre video, and you realize that these two concerns are conflicting in and of themselves and that you clearly have identity and/or focus issues and should think about working on that instead.

But back to the dog's asshole...

If you were going to post the hypothetical asshole, would you post it as a "Wordless Wednesday" type thing? And maybe you could title it something like, "Wordless Wednesday: Baby's First Steps!" And people would read the post's title on other bloggers' sidebars and click on over and be all *excited clap!!* and then they'd hit play and spit up on themselves or call the police or just maybe leave an anonymous comment to the likes of Oh grow up! and to that I would respond I grew your mom up last night! because I'm really bad with comebacks.

Or! Or! Would you post the video as part of a post about pets and how funny they are, like Oh dogs are so crazy, like isn't it funny when they chew up your furniture or when they pant because they're hot or when they do other things like whatever stuff I can't think of right now and HAHAHA!! Oh and PS: here's a video. 

That would seem really contrived, huh? What about incorporating it "naturally" into a post about, say, things that smell like bacon? (bacon and anal fluid) Or things that pucker involuntarily? (sea anemones and dog anus) Or what happens when I'm bored? (Ten Plagues Finger Puppets tea parties, Swiffering, fun with Jolene bleach creme, dog anus videos) Or how my dog's asshole looks like the Sarlacc sand monster from Return of the Jedi? (Totally) Or like a blind baby manatee begging for a snack? (Peez kin Iz Haz a Carrit?) 

I don't know how to approach this. It's times like these I ask myself "What Would Vic Do?" And the answer is that she would probably not post dog anus on her blog because she is the epitome of class and distinction and presents her dog all photoshopped with fancy Ben Franklin clothes and surely has more respect for her animals as well as for you as readers. And that's why I love her so. 

So then I ask myself, "What Would Kurt Do?" and the answer is your mom. Kurt would do your mom. And then he would tell me to post all the dog anus I have at my disposal. He is the magnet-obsessed-kid-in-science-class-who-demagnetized-all-the-class-compasses to my moral compass. Did you follow that analogy? It works, trust me.

I call this video: Baby's First Words. 

*sigh* Just like her father.