1) a pool
2) a sweet ghettoblaster
and 3) cookies.
First we would swim in the pool while I plotted the best way to get to her cookies, and then we would listen to tapes on her ghettoblaster while I continued to plot the best way to get her cookies.
It was really all about the cookies. I was a cookie playa. (Hate the game, baby. Hate the game.)
It was like:
Nicki: Hey Becky, watch me do a handstand in the pool! Ready? Are you watching? Ok, here I go!
Me: WOW!! I give that handstand a 10 out of 10. Hey, you know what goes good with handstands? Chips Ahoy!
or
Nicki: Hey Becky, want me to stick a blank tape in my ghettoblaster and dub my new Duran Duran tape for you?
Me: Yes, totally!! That would be radical! Hey, did you know that Simon LeBon's favorite snacktime treat is Oreos? And guess who's hungry like the wolf right now? Last one to the kitchen has to marry the ugly one from Tears for Fears!!
We had cookies at our house too, but they didn't count because our cookies had fruit and fiber in them while hers had a delicious sugary-lard filling, and even though her mom usually hid them before I came over because I was fat and hungry, I'd usually find them because didn't you hear what I just said? Fat and hungry!! Fat and Hungry are bastards. Fat will kneel down on his hands and knees behind you and Hungry will push you backwards and you'll go toppling over and then Fat and Hungry will steal one of your shoes and grab your tuna sandwich and run. Fat and Hungry are an unstoppable duo, like Horny and Drunk. It's just gonna happen, is what I'm saying. There's nothing you can do to stop it. Do you hear me, Nicki's mom? So you can just tie your box of Oreos to one end of a shoelace and your Pudding Pops to the other and throw them over a power line and I will duct tape a steak knife to an orange picker and have those motherfuckers down before you can say "I called your mom to come pick you up."
But hold on. A fat hungry kid can't just go barreling into the kitchen and grab whatever she wants. There are rules. There is an art to this.
The first rule of cookies is Be Prepared, which meant reconnaissance missions to the kitchen beforehand, because things I would do for an Oreo might not necessarily have been the kinds of things I would do for, say, a Mother's Circus Animal. It was all about making sure the effort was proportional to the reward.
And the second rule of cookies is Be Cool. Nobody's gonna give any cookies to an overeager fat kid. People get scared, you know? Understandably so.
Be Coooool.
(House lights dim, spotlight on a young blonde girl entering from pantry left, graceful as a cat)
Like Bob Fosse cool....snap....snap....snap....Black Danskin unitard and bongo drums and long stretch-outy legs cool....snap...snap....snap....
(Blonde girl encounters Nicki's mom sitting at the table clipping coupons. Nicki's mom flinches, then settles down.)
Like be cooool, Nicki's mom. I'm just checking out your pad, dig?
(An eerie silence settles over the room as the spotlight reflects off the sharp blade of her scissors.)
...slow step...slow step...kitty cat hands, high knees prancey prancey over to the cupboards...
Just seeing what you've got goin on in your shelvesssss...snap...snap...I'm not lookin' for your cookies, Mommy-o, I just wanna see what you got goin' on in here. Bandaids, vitamins, (HOLY SHIT CIRCUS ANIMALS! FUCKING PINK AND WHITE CIRCUS ANIMALS!! OK, cool it down, Becky. Cooooool.) ...crackers, chicken noodle soup...way cool...snap...snap
(Blonde girl exits dining room left, slowly walking backwards, kitty cat hands up so as not to arouse suspicion, never breaking eye contact with Nicki's mom.)
snap...snap...snap
FIN.
Bob Fosse recon complete, I was finally able to coax Nicki into the kitchen...
Nicki: Do you want an orange? We've got these dried pineapples and some...
Me: Whoa! What's in this bag? It says here on this label...(eyes squinty concentratey reading) Mother's Brand? Circus? Animal? Cookies? Hmm, I'm not sure I've ever seen these before. What the heck? Pink and white with sprinkles?! That's crazy!!
Nicki: Okay. If you want, we could...
Me: Well sure, I guess, I mean...if YOU want a few, then sure, open up the bag. I'm not much of a "cookie" person, per se, I usually opt for the healthier snack option of apple or carrot sticks, but what the heck?
See, Nicki's mom, the thing is (I would explain later for the millionth time) The thing is there's so much air in those bags of cookies that it LOOKS like there's a ton of cookies in there. I get that you would think that. It even says, "Family Size" right on the bag. But you know, Nicki's mom, you know the sad state of today's family. Most of the kids WE know (sad, regretful head shake) live in broken homes. "Family size" isn't what it used to be, Nicki's mom. "Family" means two people, at most. And me and Nicki are the two people who ate all those cookies. Oh, Nicki's been in the pool this whole time? That's weird. Did I mention my mom's away on work a lot? If she were around more, she'd be super grateful for feeding me cookies. Lord knows, I need all the love, I mean mommy, I mean cookies, I can get. *wipes away fake tear*
aaand kitty cat hands, prancey prancey away...
39 comments:
I could almost hear the dimly lit background singers snapping their fingers. This was awesome. The other unstoppable duo is "Naked" and "Arrested.
This story brings me hope that one day, one fine, bright, beautiful day, the little girl next door might be cool and funny and not an annoying, sneaky snack bandit.
But then again, her act isn't nearly as amusing as yours. Is that a bad sign?
SteamyMac, I dig this post. snap snap.
Fat and hungry. Hilarious.
I love this! Cracked me up!!!! Perfect way to start my Monday!
Me like cookies.
FIN.
hmmmm, you lost me right around the "Chips Ahoy" statement...then it kind of took a Cheech & Chong turn...
Mmm. Frosted animal cookies. I was a skinny kid but was just as hungry for love/cookies.
When you babysat, did you totally raid the cupboards? None of my employers ever had the balls to complain. I figured if they were only paying me the slave-wages of $2 an hour, I could make up for that in cookies.
Ooooh, THAT'S why kids stay the hell away from our house.
I used to do that too! My friend Katie would always have those Soft Batch chocolate chip cookies at her house and I would inhale those suckers like a freaking vacuum. It's amazing I wasn't morbidly obese. Thank goodness for the metabolism young kids have!
Nothing like a sweet ghetto blaster.
Kurt: Other unstoppable duos...Tango and Cash, Turner and Hooch, uncircumcised penis and urinary tract infection, apple juice and diarrhea, grandpa and if you tell anyone where i touched you i'll kill your cat, Cagney and Lacey... seriously the list is endless
Mona: Give her a few years and a healthy dose of teenaged eating disorder, she'll come around i bet. Then your snacks will be safe once again. Maybe hide the laxatives at that point though.
OWO: snap...snap...thanks doll...Yeah fat and hungry sit on my left shoulder like the devil in those bugs bunny cartoons. On the other shoulder is Bruce Willis. They don't argue, I dont even think they know the other is there. I have broad shoulders.
Karilynn: Thanks! You know another perfect way to start your monday? Oreos. I mean Activia. I totally meant Activia.
Mobius: Me have a portion control problem. Fin.
Meatbag: You mean you grew a beard and bought a van? Yeah, I thought thats what you meant.
Mandy: YES! I love strangers' pantries, all sorts of foreign treats in there. I had my first and only poptart babysitting. I ate it off the kid's plate actually, but she didnt seem too interested in it anyways.
Susan: Yeah, healthy food is like Raid for kids. Wait thats not right, Raid kills roaches dead, and healthy food doesn't kill kids dead. It's like Deet for kids. There.
Kellie: Holy shit. Those soft batch cookies. Do they still sell those? The thing about those was they were sweet, but also salty! Why were the cookies salty?? SO GOOD!! And oh yes...thank goodness for that high metabolism...otherwise I might have been quite *cough* chubby.
Zibbs: Especially for two white girls in the suburbs turning up the bass on Madonna's La Isla Bonita.
Oh my god, how perfect is this post? I was totally transported to your beatnik stage musical.
I think you deserve a Sweet Blogger award for this, please come and steal it off my sidebar (it's made of a lollipop!)
I was totally snowed that whole time when Wendy would come to my house and I thought she wanted to braid my hair and cut The Hardy Boys out of Teen Beat but nnooooo she was just there for the Double Stuff's. Damn. I feel used.
I would never have thought to be suspicious thanks to your super sneaky kitty cat hands. Cookies? What cookies?
I think I found a cookie in my desk drawer. I'm probably gonna eat it. It's probably like, 3 months old. Still tastes fine...kind of.
Those frosted/sprinkled animal cookies are amazing.
Oh yeah, I gave you an award. It's not quite the hitler, but it's something :)
I think we should come up with an interim plan to maybe ward off the laxative issue... It takes a village, ya know.
I'm so dipping a chocolate chip cookie in my coffee right now. So what if wife made them for her stupid co-workers, who the fuck are they?
I feel like putting on a beret and smoking now.
Love = mommy = cookies. They are all one and the same.
Soda: Thanks for the award! I'll come get it and stick it up under Jerrod's pee ball.
Carolyn: I don't know who's the bigger whore, you or Wendy. If I decide on Wendy, that means I'm the whore in my story. So let's just say you're the used up cookie whore.
Just a girl: Super sneaky kitty cat hands are almost as stealth at old timey bank robber tiptoes. Nobody's any the wiser.
Sally: I could go for some pink and whites right now, now that you mention it. And thanks, Sally Sal, I already discovered it but I was bashful, so now that I found your comment I'm gonna go back and accept it.
Mona: Whatever you do, don't tell her she has a pretty face or that she looks like a healthy eater or that maybe she should take up swimming because of her strong shoulders. And don't call her body well-proportioned. And don't drop hints about how pretty Belinda Carlisle is. That's all I got in terms of my anti-anorexia plan.
Cap: The rule is that if you wear a beret while you eat a cookie, the calories don't count because it's just a cultural thing instead of a fat American thing. Canadian. Whatever.
Lilu: I cookie you, twitterpimp.
I was the poor kid next door raised by hippies. My parents wouldn't give me granola because the sugar content was too high. But I once guilt-tripped my neighbor's Mom into buying me a Slurpee--I don't think I slept for 4 days. You're writing is uber-fantastic.
Steak knife duct taped to an orange picker... classic.
Hiphop: I once had to leave a movie because I had a sugar-induced anxiety attack from a Slurpee, so that makes sense to me. Those things are cracktastic. Also, thanks!
Ashes: I'm glad you're back! Where's you go for so long?
Chiefy: I am doing that silent snuffy Mutley Murphy cartoon laugh reading that comment. Yeah, I had to put up with her damn front lawn gymnastics, hoping she'd wear herself out enough to want a snack. I did it all for the cookie.
Nicki's mom had no idea she was dealing with a trained cookie recon agent/jazz dancer, clearly.
Fosse, Fosse, Fos...seh...!
Janet lived next door to me and had Cookie Crunch cereal, which my mom thought was immoral ("Cookies for breakfast??! I think not, missy!"), but I craved until Janet and I ate two boxes in an hour. Then I threw up.
dude, i so know the pain of foraging for "good snacks." my mother and her crazy hippy ways... did you know she cuts HALF the sugar out of cookies? AND she adds things like CARROTS to normal birthday cakes? that bitch.
Those cookies ROCK. And I was totally going to marry Simon LeBon. Not sure how that plan didn't work out....
Which one was the ugly one in Tears for Fears? I forget.
I so want Double Stuff Oreos right now. Regular Oreos are for wusses. The best thing is to take two DSO and remove one cookie side from each and then put them together for a QUADRUPLE stuffed Oreo.
omigod, igottagotothestore.
Bwahahahahahahahahaha! AND *sob*
I heard the swimming thing. A lot.
Vic: The top of my mouth hurts just reading the words "Cookie Crunch." Poor Nicki's mom...clipping coupons to keep the household running after fat hungry girl spent the summer at their house eating everything in sight. Weird follow up info to this story: The everything-in-moderation cookie eater Nicki developed an eating disorder a few years later that she's still unable to kick, and then there's me, the happy little fat cookie thief who's like "What?? Pshh YEAH I got a BELLY!! TAKE A PICTURE IT'LL LAST LONGER, SUCKAH! *Nom nom nom*"
Becky: Carrots in cake is blasphemous!! Except for, like, carrot cake, cause that's pretty good.
Jules: I was more of a John Taylor girl. Our love will never be, though, because I read somewhere that he's into drugs, and Nancy Reagan told me to just Say No.
Miss Y: That's a really good point. In the 80's the ugly one was the jowly one with dog eyes. But now, I think the pointy effeminite one (heh I said eff) is kinda gross and I'd take Jowly any day over him. It's weird how as you grow up your tastes in men you'll never meet change.
just Makey:Or! OR! Slice out all the lard from an entire pack of Oreos, then stack a foot tall cookie sandwich out of that. Or screw the chocolate part, just stir the lard up in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. Mmm sugar lard.
Mona: I have a love/hate relationship with my shoulders. If I ever become a pirate, I'm going to take advantage of them and get the biggest parrot ever, or maybe a toucan or a condor even, and then who'll have the last laugh?? HAHAHAHAAA!! Those high school boys will be sorry they ever met Ol Dread Pirate Toucan.
mooooog: If I EVER. EVER!! Walked into a friends house and was offered pickles instead of junk food, that would be IT!!! No, I'm exaggerating because I tend to get dramatic when I've had too much coffee, but I'd think twice about a second play date for sure.
mmm . . . cookies! this is why i offer NOTHING to my kids friends. also - love that you used the word ghettoblaster. totally set the scene.
I left you something. Not in my toilet, but on my blog. It isn't a cookie. But it's dead. Sort of.
Drunk and Horny get me every time. I agree that the key to cookie-getting is extreme nonchalance. Or sneakiness.
Oooooh do I know the Cookie Rules well. There's also the Pasta Carta, the Soda Squeal, and the Acquisition of Convenient Pizza Letter. That last one is only for major players.
Surely 'the ugliest one out of Tears For Fears'?
I just found you through Gwen, and I'm as resentful at being unaware of your blog as I was at being unaware of pink and white circus cookies until I moved to L.A.
Sadly, I'm too bulky to utilize your Fosse-esque cookie stealing method, but I still scare people off in a potentially violent situation by doing the low-to-the-ground-snapping-fingers thing from West Side Story.
That was completely fantastic. Seriously fantastic.
:-D
Pearl
I know, I know, I'm leaving this comment a year late, and you'll probably never read it, but Hark! What joy! I was about to be a Debbie Downer and tell you that Mother's Cookies closed their doors (BIG SAD FACE) but upon further inspection (Google) I found that they have REOPENED!! Huzzah!
Why this didn't make the evening news - or at least trend on Twitter - is beyond me.
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