First, there were the manicures for the bridal party.
Manicure lady: You want them rounded or squared?
Me: My nails? Oh, I don't know. Whatever you like.
ML: Which do you like?
Me: You pick one.
ML: What's this green stuff under your fingernail?
Me: Food coloring.
ML: It's not coming off.
Me: Yeah. It's the good stuff.
*file, file, file. Soak, soak.*
ML: OH LORD! BECKY! What. Did. You. Do. To. Your. Feet.
Me: What? Maybe I shaved my toes a litt...
ML: No, the nails. Girl, you need to leave a little nail there when you trim.
Me: I clipped them for the wedding. I like them short.
ML: I can see that. This one's bleeding.
Me: Yeah. So they don't snag my socks.
ML: (Shakes head. Big sigh) Settle in. We have work to do.
Then, there was the makeup lady.
Me: Just so you know. I hate getting my makeup done. I look ridiculous with makeup. Can you do, like, the bare minimum?
Makeup lady: Of course. I keep it really light. I want you to look natural.
Me: That's good. Especially my mouth though?
ML: Yes, you have full lips, I won't need to do much there.
Me: What I mean is, could you stay inside the lines with the pencil stuff?
ML: You'll love it, don't worry. Your eyelids are kind of puffy, so I'm going to make your eyes just POP! using eyeliner. Do you like blush?
Me: I guess, in modera...
ML: Hold still.
*Blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush, blush...*
(stands back, assesses her work)
*Blush, blush, blush, blush, blush.*
*Guess what? Blush.*
*aaanddd hey look here's some blush.*
*PS? Blush.*
Groomsman wandering by: Oh hey! You look...you...you look like...you're almost there it looks like! (awkward smile)
ML: You ready for the mirror? Your eyes just POP! You look incredible.
Me: (*excited clap!!*)
ML: Here you go. What do you think?? Amazing, no??
(awkward beat)
Me: yes.
ML: Riiight?
Me: yes.
ML: Amazing!!
Me: yes.
The hair guy was so patient.
Me: My hair doesn't hold any kind of curl.
Hair guy: Oh, don't worry. We'll spray it.
Me: Yes, but even with spray.
HG: Oh we'll see.
(30 minutes later)
HG: Look at those beautiful curls!!
Me: I feel like a princess!! (Skipping away)
(20 minutes later)
HG: Becky? Did we do your hair?
Me: Yes.
HG: C'mere. Let me touch that up for you.
(10 minutes later)
HG: Becky? Maybe a touch up before you go down the aisle?
(5 minutes later)
HG: (concerned face, hushed conference with hair assistant) Becky, c'mere a second. We're gonna touch up your hair a bit.
Bride: (whispering) Becky, I know someone who can tone down your face a bit if you want. Fix your mouth and soften your eyes a bit.
Aunt of the bride: Did you not have time to take out your dress a little, dear?? Can you breathe?
Bridesmaid: I can totally see your bra.
Groomsman: Are you okay? Your eyes look enormous! Like, popping out of your head big.
34 comments:
I like to leave my toenails a little long so if we ever get into a Planet of The Apes scenario I can climb trees faster.
Also, I bought a doll that looks almost just like that off the internet. (That's a compliment, because she's super-sexy)
I think you could have used more blush. Maybe on your forehead or something.
Is that rosacea?
Oh, no. That's your blush.blush.blush.blush.
But your lips look luscious! And your hair is...well... your lips are luscious.
Wedding makeup artists...they're brutal. I should know. I've been one.
I wonder how many people with foot fetishes work at spas like that? I mean, yeah, you'll be creeped out by the way they leer over your feet, but you can put your bottom dollar on this: they will do it with love...and by "it", well, that could be just about anything...
Sorry, I think there is a gas leak somewhere near me...
Whoa! Did they even blush your chest? The best part of the look is the deadly stare... like you're going to take out the entire wedding party with your popping death-ray eyes. That would make for a truly memorable wedding.
I think they missed a bit - you only look like you have second degree burns...
I like how your cheeks match your lips, that's natural right?!?
I don't even know what to say right now...as a minimalistic person I'm shocked and amazed by the amount of shit that's on your face. I think I would suffocate.
I keep scrolling up and looking at you. Can you do a video all made up like that, just for me? That would make my day...or month even!
I think you have a future in beauty pageants. Do you have a baton?
Oh bubele! Jeepers!
See, the mistake they make is always going too far with someone who has a perfectly lovely face already. Is it because they think we need stage make up to show up in pictures? I don't know, but... It really is not as bad as you think. You're prettier natural though, I think.
Holy ... Blush. It gets a capital B.
wow .. they really overdid it!
you're funny.
AHAHAA i love it. you look so natural!
I always clip too close. I'm trying to set a good example for my cats.
Also? Picture = PRICELESS. I'm going to bring that to the salon on my wedding day and be all, "THIS."
I just went through this exact thing three weeks ago. Dear Makeup Ladies: Bridesmaids do not need to look like WHORES just so that it will "show up in the pictures."
But you look like you took it very gracefully. HAHAHAH!
Ahahaha- awesome!
Well the problem is clearly that you need more eye makeup. DUH.
Sigh. Blush is one of the few things that you can't add the word breakfast to and make it acceptable...
You look really alive.
Oh man... that is far from light and natural. You poor thing... I hate weddings.
snortsnortsnort! you poor girl. you look like a Bratz doll
Well hello there . . .
Are those all your own teeth? Good, cos I'm fussy.
I'd like to hire your blush lady for face painting at the local carnival.
They didn't apply blush to the whites of your eyes? That must have just been an oversight.
omg...hahahahha...gigglegiggle...
you left out the part of how pretty you looked when it was all put together and smoothed out.
I am really glad that you asked for the bare minimum natural look. This could have been much, much worse.
and you're welcome for pointing out and safety pinning your bra...i know you'd do the same for me.
Yeah, I was gonna say the showing up in pictures thing, but maybe that is a little much blush.
I always go by the wedding rule that no one is looking at anyone but the bride anyway.
You remind me of Beauty Head Barbie in the picture. Only with quizzical eyebrows and no crayon scribble under the ear.
That's like, visible from SPACE blush. Rouge, even.
Er, I mean, it's not that bad, and I'm sure no one even noticed.
I hardly even laughed after the third or fourth visit to the picture. Honest. It's growing on me. I almost like it now.
listen, at least that was your only problem. Try having the worlds most awkward bikini wax with a hairy lady who your pretty sure is a lesbian.
I'm not going into details, but lets say it involves hot wax, large popsicle sticks, awkward yoga like positions, and baby oil....*shudder*
It's really annoying when people don't listen to you about your OWN stuff. Same thing happens with nurses.
Me: Really you can get a better vein from my right arm
Nurse: No really dear, I'll do fine with the left arm.
(poke poke gouge poke poke ... hmmm)
Nurse: Okay ... let's give it a go on the other arm.
OKIES LADY!
Blessings for being such a patient bridesmade!
Wow. You look really... ah... dangerous.
In a sexy way.
In a sexy way that's frightening.
I totally know what you mean about the make up/hair curl.
My mom permed my hair and, after sitting there for HOURS, it didn't take. Same with the second, the third... and the fourth. She decided to switch to a curling iron. However... my mom didn't have the greatest ability to actually aim and ended curling my ears constantly- I'm sure my teacher thought something was up considering the 3rd degree burns and slight bacon-y smell coming from them. Of course, my curls fell out.
Finally, I asked for my hair to be cut off just to avoid the agony of hairstyling. To this day, I flinch when anyone is trying to curl my hair around my ears. I guess I have curling-iron induced PTSD.
Make-up is horrible on me. I can wear eye make up and lip gloss, and that's it. People say the mineral make up will work- I still look caked. I don't know what it is... but I feel for you. My poor, misguided mother swears it will work each time- and each time she silently hands me a make up remover pad.
I wish she'd listen. :(
I also wanted to tell you that under all the blush and rage I think you look lovely. Your eyebrows are awesome!
it actually looks like it physically hurts. maybe the bride instructed them to do that so she could be assured prettiest girl of the day. little did she know you can't hide your beauty with blush.
Hilarious.
I'm getting flashbacks of when my mom used to (forcibly) take me to Merle Norman in high school to get "done up". I obviously have some residual PTSD issues from it, as I cringe at the suggestion of wearing anything more than mascara.
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