The usual nervous response: My mouth goes dry. I realize this when I release my smile and both sides of my top lip are stuck on my bicuspids. Everyone has their tell, I guess.
Alright, this is challenging. He's obviously trying to grow a mustache, and it's not coming in very well. Do I just ignore the mustache? He's only got about 9 hairs, but they're so long he's clearly been working on it for some time now. That's weeks of growth right there.
"I can draw you a rainbow, how's that?" I suggest. A rainbow consists of eight concentric half-circles, culminating in a puffy cloud at either end. I can do that. I would feel more comfortable if I had my drafting compass, or at least a protractor, but I'm pretty sure I can draw it freehand if I concentrate and hold my breath.
"No, I want an animal. A dog or a cat. Or a dog and a cat, in a pet store. And Selena Gomez works there."
"Heh. Listen, small person, I don't do carbon-based life forms. How about a three-dimensional box? Or a hexagonal prism?"
Blank stare from the kid.
"How about a very real-looking ice cube floating in a cylindrical glass of lemonade, which has been left sitting on a flat surface at exactly noon on the vernal equinox at the equator, so that there are no shadows cast in any direction? And guess what? It's Miley Cyrus' lemonade!"
"Or..." she bargains. "Or...a puppy and a kitten in a pet store, and if you want to draw an ice cube in there, you can if you want."
"Fine," I relent. My mouth feels like paste now. The worst thing about disappointing kids is how they try to play it off like you didn't disappoint them at all, but inside you know they're wondering if there's something wrong with an adult who can only draw boxes.
It doesn't bother me that I can't draw, but I'm tired of embarrassing myself and being a constant disappointment to every child I know. So a few months ago, I enrolled myself in a drawing class.
The first day, the teacher pairs us up, and explains that our first activity will be to draw a portrait of our partner. The tricky part, and the part that makes absolutely no sense to me and makes me hate her hard in her damn hippie face, is that we are NOT ALLOWED to look at our papers at all during the activity. So...that means prolonged eye contact with a stranger, while drawing a portrait of that stranger, while they watch you draw a portrait of them, while you have no idea what you're drawing, while the entire room is silent save for the soft sounds of pencil on paper. It will be a quiet, reflective time, a time to nurture your artistic spirit, a time to create, a time for you to become closer to you, says Damn Hippie Face. This means it will also be "No fart time," I remind myself. Seriously, Becky. There's really no leeway this time. It's super quiet in here.
My partner is a young, chubby, painfully shy, semi-mustacheod Japanese boy. I introduce myself to him and hold out my hand to shake, and he introduces himself to the wall and holds out his limp hand like a princess requesting assistance down from her carriage. I immediately recognize him as one of my Aspergerian brethren, take two of his fingertips between my thumb and index finger, shake them delicately, and sit down to draw his portrait.
Alright. Draw the boy, but no looking at the paper. The trick, I decide, is to not take your pencil off the paper at all.
Hm, he's got kind of a round face, I observe. I draw the shape of his head, then promptly lift my pencil off the paper. Dammit. Too early in the game for stupid mistakes like that.
I feel for the edges of the paper and reorient myself with where I think I've just drawn the head, being careful not to peek, and I add an ear to each side, pretty confident that I've estimated their exact location within a few millimeters.
I learned back in elementary school that the eyes are supposed to go at ear level, so I trace a short line with my finger from where I ended the last ear, and draw his eye. Then a fingerspace, and the other eye.
I bet nobody else in this class has figured out the trick to this game, I think to myself, smugly. Everyone else is gonna be like, "Becky! How'd you figure out where the eyes go without even looking!" and I'll just shrug and say, "Spacial intuition, I guess."
Wait til they get a load of this.
The nose. I don't do noses. You get nostrils, fella, that's all.
This boy has got a great mouth, really full lips. I definitely need to showcase his lips, they're his best feature.
You know what's weird? Nobody ever notices that little divot between the nose and upper lip! Why does everyone forget to draw the divot? It's called the philtrum, I believe. Well, I don't leave out the details, I'm an observer of the world! The beauty of the human face is in the details!
Crap, my paper slipped. It's okay, it's okay. I found my place, I think. Aaand... (carefully drawing, eyes squinting up at the ceiling so I'm not tempted to peek)... done. Philtrum complete.
Alright, this is challenging. He's obviously trying to grow a mustache, and it's not coming in very well. Do I just ignore the mustache? He's only got about 9 hairs, but they're so long he's clearly been working on it for some time now. That's weeks of growth right there.Alright, it's decided. The mustache stays.
Lookin' good, Tom Selleck!
"Your wire-rimmed glasses really compliment your facial structure," I tell him. His lip quivers, and he stutters a thank you.
"I haven't peeked even once, but I have a good feeling about this portrait," I smile. "I think you're really gonna like how this turns out."
We're really bonding now, becoming fast friends. "Maybe if it turns out as good as I think it's turning out, I can make you a copy and you can give it to your parents as a holiday gift," I offer generously.
DEAR MOTHER AND FATHER:
JOYEUX NOEL ON THIS MOST HOLY DAY
OF THE BIRTH OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR.
WARM REGARDS,
STEVEN
Done! Phew. Look at me, finished with minutes to spare! May as well work on his hair a little, go over the lines with my pencil and make them darker. Add a little contrast and weight to my portrait.
I'm not sure where my original hairline started, but maybe if I count three fingerwidths down from the top of the page and start there...*scribble scribble smug artsy haphazard I-could-do-this-in-my-sleep, sketching-while-I-stare-off-disinterestedly-at-the-far-wall face*
Oh! And eyebrows...I forgot to add eyebrows...*blindly measures fingerwidths, scribble scribble*
"Time's up!" chirps the teacher. "Pencils down, take a look at your portraits and share them with your partners."
I open my eyes and gaze down upon what I'm sure is my finest, and my only, artistic achievement to date, and:
Me: GAAAAHHHH! NO! NONONO!! NO! (lays on desk, covering paper with torso) NO! NO! NONONO!! (rolls paper into a tube, sticks it down front of pants) NEVERNEVERNEVER!
Teacher: Oh, let me take a look. If you put effort into it, a piece of your soul will shine through like crystal sunlight pachouli clouds...
Me: BACK OFF! BACK THE FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW I SWEAR TO GOD!! (Tears a corner off the paper, pops it in mouth, chews) I'LL EAT THIS WHOLE FUCKING THING, I SWEAR IT.
Teacher: Becky. Sweetie. Let me just take a look...
Me: (claw swipe) REOOWWW!! HISS! (stuffs another wad of paper into mouth)
Teacher: Hon, don't eat your portrait. Shhh, it's okay. Becky, come on. I'm sure it's...let me...let me see...(pulls paper out of my pants, loosens my fingers one by one)... It's okay sweetie, let go, good. Let go a little more, and there. See? Now what could be so bad... oh.
(sucks in air through clenched teeth)
Oh.
Me: I didn't even... I DIDN'T LOOK! I WASN'T ALLOWED TO LOOK AT WHAT I WAS DRAWING!
Teacher: The eyes, the eyes are just so (tilts head sideways)... and is that... is that a tooth? A buck tooth?
Me: It's the PHILTRUM! The LIP DIVOT! My paper shifted up and I didn't realize it!
Students: (whispering behind hands, shaking heads in disapproval)
Me: I know, I know what you're thinking, and I agree, it looks bad. Really sorry. It was totally unintentional.
Japanese boy: Hey. Don't feel bad. I kind of like it. You drew my mustache really well. Really long on the sides.
Me: Really? You like it? I noticed your mustache right away. It's quite silky, really.
Japanese boy: Thanks. I've been growing it for two months. (proud smile)
Teacher: Aw, that's sweet. (smile)
Me: S'nice. (smile)
Japanese boy: When it's my turn, I'll draw your mustache really good too.
Me: (sad face)
66 comments:
It's always best to keep strict fart time rules in place, because as soon as you have fart anarchy the whole democracy falls apart. I tried to use the word "fartnarchy", but in the end decided I didn't want to jeopardize my comic street cred by making childish and easy jokes.(*slide whistle. Slips on banana peel. Gets hit in the nuts with rake*)
Now I know what that dent is called!
And now I am cracking up about sort-of mustaches and "crystal sunlight pachouli clouds."
I. am. dying. over. here. Can't breathe. Too much laughing. STOP BEING SO HIGHLY AMUSING!
L-O-L!!!!
*death*
oh. my. gosh! i do this game w/ my daughter all the time & we usually end up w/ ears on our faces & floating hair. i'll see if i can work in some mustach hair for her next time.
very nicely executed!
I saw your picture and I laughed so hard I cried... and then I went to go look at drawings i have attempted... then I really cried.
Thank god Jeff has never asked for a self portrait. It would come out like the Asian kid... and that is with me looking.. and Jeff isnt Asian.
Kurt: I wish I could come back with a line about "Olifartchy" but the "t" in fart totally messes up the pronunciation. Man, fart jokes aren't as easy as they used to be, back in the whoopie cushion days.
Alison: Soft-of mustaches always crack me up. Unless it's my own. Mine is NOT FUNNY at all. Shut up.
Lily Ruth's Mama: Thank you! I love when you guys die.
boom: Ditto to you too!
Sherilin: I think I might try it again if I were allowed to look, and if the pencil were instead a spoon, and if the paper were a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats. That's my kind of art. (I'm fat.)
MJenky: I know. It was hair on top of his hair. Bowl cut x 2. A double scoop. Ridiculous.
Leslie: If anyone ever asks you for a self-portrait, you gotta do something so bad they won't ever ask you again. Like draw them super fat or tired looking, and maybe also draw it in blood or excrement. That should work.
That looks great. Picasso would be proud.
At least he enjoyed the moustache....
Did you know the name of the lip divot at the time? Impressive! Art skillz AND vocab.
So pissed about being married right now. I would absofreakinglutely be siting next to Tom Sellek, stroking his silky lip hair ever so gently. 'I know it's not a buck tooth baby' I would purr. 'S'alright. Lemme rub that space between your head and your ears there, you sessay man you.' That's probably how it would happen. But you're a gifted artist, and I got a thing for them too. 'Specially the paper-eating, hissing ones. So maybe us 3 could skip class and go back to my place instead? Nude study time, maybe?
Well I can at least be a little topical in this post because that portrait made me laugh so damn hard I blasted a fart you could hear in Chicago. Which made me laugh harder. Then I looked at the portrait again and almost passed out from lack of oxygen. So thanks. :) I really think you need to do more portraits...
You should get your drawing partner one of these to make up for your racialist caricature of him.
http://www.handhelditems.com/mustache-rides-funny-tshirt-featured-bachelor-party-p-61655.html
Ohmigaw, that portrait looks exactly like one of the bad guys who fought Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China! Remember? There was this one bad-ass ninja guy who wore a wicker hat? And he was all, "I'm gonna kick your ass, Jack Colton!" And Kurt Russell was all, "oh yea?" And then the Asian wicker hat dude threw a LIGHTNING BOLT at him, and then Kurt Russell was like "WHOOAAHH!" and the Asian wicker hate lighting fighter threw back his head and laughed so hard... that he farted. And then he disappeared.
Remember?
Seriously. Your picture looks just like that dude. You should rent that movie. It's so awesome.
Ed: Maybe, if I added a boob on his neck.
Soft N: I did actually! But I learned it on a tv show from the 80's, so I guess that cancels out any literacy points.
Brklyn: HAHAHA!! Sessay man!! And why am I so proud that you called me a paper-eating, hissing artist? I have crazy self-esteem over that right now. It's weird.
Veg: Laughing because you're jealous of my talent, right? Jealous laughter? Right?
Beta: I'm so literal, I was like "Well that's silly! How many people can fit on a mustache? Zero, that's how many. Is it a giant mustache? Otherwise, no thank you! Waste of ten cents!"
Didey Pirey: I thought you were making that whole thing up until I got to the part where he farted and disappeared, and then I thought, yeah, that sounds like a Kurt Russell movie.
This should not be read at work - I had to stifle all of my laughs as my coworkers give me evil glares from across the room.
LOL love it though! Thanks!
It's a good thing you don't live in Arizona; you could've gotten that mustachioed boy deported!
But really, you draw way better than I do. Way. Um, the writing...yeah, that's pretty stellar, too.
GOD your site is DEPRESSING.
Good God... I think that guy went to my school - he rode the short bus... Yes, that was inappropriate!
I'm just glad you didn't draw her a penis.
Damnit I hate it when people notice my stash. That's why I hate getting my eyebrows waxed. The lady is always all, "And lip too?" And I'm all, "No thanks." And she's all, "Very, very long." And I'm all, "But it's blonde!" And she's all, "No." And I'm all, "Fine." And then in a happy sing song voice she's all, "We wax lip."
That's why I never show her my snatch.
Actually, I think that's a pretty good rendition of the mouse in the Christmas cartoon 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.'
You should have just thanked him for fixing the clock and been done with it.
First, your portrait drawing skills are more than superior to mine. And I look at the paper.
Second, I've often wondered what that little divot was called and why NO ONE ever talks about it. Thanks, friend.
And last but not least, I work with a red head that bleaches her mustache. But it doesn't help because the hairs are so long that you can see them hanging over her lip and sticking in her lipstick. I want to hold her down and attack her with wax.
Not you though. I'm sure yours is lovely.
That giant black cotton candy cloud of hair is one awesome reveal. I mean, I guffawed. Totally GOL'd.
I like the floating ears too. My baby daughter looks like she has floating ears too.
I feel your pain Becky. I too have taken one of those horrid drawing classes to prove to myself that I can draw. I can draw 3-dimensional balls (but not if they're in a bowl) with shadows. I cannot draw peoples faces unless it's one of my charicature faces of me. I cannot draw g-damned flowers in a vase. I can't draw maps to scale. I can't do vanishing points or houses. Unless it's one of those kindergarten houses with door in the middle and two windows.
I feel your pain. But I LOVED your drawing. Really funny!
hexagonal prisms? You can draw hexagonal prisms, but not selena gomez at a pet shop?
Crazy.
You must be good at math or something.
If you squint, he kind of looks like Tina Turner. With a philtrum lip.
When I was little, I called it a spibble. It makes total sense and I think they should change it to that. You know, the 'they' that labels stuff on our bodies.
I dated a Chinese/Indonesian guy for a few years. He couldn't grow a mustache, either.
This made me laugh so much! Your post title caught my eye on Shinx's page and I hopped over. This post is brilliant!
You do a great job making racial stereotypes funny. Reminds me of the hilarity you conjure up regarding Hitler now and then.
You rock.
Now I want to try drawing someone w/o looking. Maybe I'll submit my hubs to this torture tonight. After all I am extremely bored just waiting to poo(p) this kiddo out.
HAHAHAHA!!!
Contour line drawings. Argh. You just brought me back to every art class ever.
What a babe your partner is. I'm a fan of his particular brand of sparse but long lip tendrils. I'm growing some myself currently.
P.S. that's the best ice cube I've ever seen in my life.
I laughed so hard at this post I cried. I even made my husband read it. He only scrolled down to the pictures (too many words), but he still laughed.
*Still giggling.
I would have totally farted when she was pulling the drawing out of my fingers. And maybe yelled, "well, you pulled my finger!"
This is why I wax. Damn mustaches.
Pearl
oh my god. my art teacher in school made us do that ALL THE TIME! my partner was this super mean biotch of a girl who always looked angry, so when we were drawing I made sure to accentuate the unhappy furrow of her brows and the huge dip between her mouth and chin. then I painted her blue. it was glorious.
I think this is a sadistic art-teacher thing. We need to start paying them more.
(I have absolutely NO vested interest in that statement, honest.)
Did he cover your philtrum when he drew your mustache, at least?
I always called it a "frenulum," but then again, that's what I *always* call the body parts when I don't know their names. Clever, huh?
Your brilliance is almost as long and shiny and pretty as your mustache. Thank you, Becky.
You know what is quite sad? That is so much better than I could have done with 10 hours of time, being able to look at my paper, and a copy of art for dummies.
It looks like you drew me! I'm going to print that picture out, and hang it by my computer! Thanks, Becky!
I like to think that drawing is that hardest thing in the world, and people that like abstract art just like them because they're angry at the people who can actually draw. But you did a super job, Becky!
Japanese Boy and I share the same moustachio. Long on the sides. Unfortunately, I've only been growing mine for a week. Sigh.
I like to eat paper I've shoved down my pants, too.
*feeling super close to you*
You can draw my portrait any time. I'm Italian -- run with it.
P.S. Your comment on my blog saying I was stunning? Made my whole day. Thanks, special lady friend.
You can draw my portrait any time. I'm Italian -- run with it.
P.S. Your comment on my blog saying I was stunning? Made my whole day. Thanks, special lady friend.
I just got in trouble for laughing too loud... tears, I tell you... tears.
I am NOT a morning person. YET you got me to choke on orange juice a 5:30am. Sweet, burning citrus in my nostrils.
It was "Lookin' good, Tom Selleck!" that did it.
You are so lucky I was wearing a pad when I read this. So, so lucky.
i like the part where you acted like a special ed student, it made my day! :D
The divot became a buck tooth! Bahaha! Possibly the only thing funnier than that in this post was his promise to draw your mustache nicely. :)
The divot became a buck tooth! Bahaha! Possibly the only thing funnier than that in this post was his promise to draw your mustache nicely. :)
Aw, you gave him happiness by drawing his mustache just right. Now he's going to want to come home with you.
Honest to god, I'm laughing so hard, that the crying is about to turn to sobbing in one of those awkward funny-turns-tragic moments.
Joyeux Noel indeed.
The philtrum is called the "Snot Trough."
I shit you not, we draw exactly the same way, but I do that with eyes open, mind focused. You crack my shit up! This one brought on the tears. I do appreciate your visuals.
I really need to take an art class. It's been ages since someone offered to draw my mustache.
*wipes tears*...so freakin funny! Thanks for another "highlight of my day" post.
That is hilarious! SO glad that I found your blog. That pic look so much better than anything that I could muster. I am all about the stick figures!
i think Kurt should have gone with the fartnarchy thing. works for me.
I don't think your drawing is bad...you just have to reassess what it is that you actually drew.
I suggest you tell people you were drawing a diagram of a Mr. Potato Head with all the parts pulled out so you can see how they fit. Further, I suggest that you tell people it is a Special Edition Mr. Potato Head in honor of Colombian soccer star Carlos Valderrama. http://cdn4.mattters.com/photos/photos/2234492/CarlosValderrama.jpg
That's a collectable piece that is. I bet any dealer in the world would refuse to put a price on that, that is how valuable that is.
Also, if you went all L. Ron Hubbard on my arse and wrote twenty books on the stuff that spills out of your mind, I would read them avidly, in an appreciative way, not in a freakishly weirdy Travolta/Cruise sort of way, because you could totally make as much noise as you wanted when giving birth to my (or indeed anyone else's) offspring.
You're welcome.
I can't believe you don't think you can draw. That picture was excerrent. And I do think the mustache was the secret. The only thing I do worse than draw is sing, so I can relate.
lmfaooooooooo
You have to admit, rectangular prisms are cool though, they're the basis of your laptops, desks (sort of), sinks (also sort of), sofas (sometimes?) and even tissue boxes; I don't know anyone that doesn't love a good tissue box.
If you want to see the pictures of me drawing your name out of my red D cup bra, they are on Twitter. Email me your address so I can mail your stuff.
Love the way you captured the insane Japanese afro.
I always thought it was called a snot-slide. Seriously that's what I've been calling it for years
Your post made me literally laugh so hard I cried. You're my hero. I want to go all the way to California just to meet you, and be your best friend.
They actually do this in an art class?
My sister and I have been doing this for years, we even do them on canvasses and paint them, I had one person try to say she had "seen this artist's work before and loved it"
we call it no look draw.
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