Jack: What?
Me: (EXCITED GRIN)
Jack: What did you do?
ME: (EXCITED GRIN, EYES DART TO THE LEFT)
Jack: No. I'm not playing.
Me: Yes! Play! (HAPPY CLAPS) Best game ever!
Jack: Nope. (Walks around the kitchen making Nana lunch)
Me: Cold, cold, FREEZING, oh you're an ICICLE!! You're getting warmer, warmer, aaand colder, colder again...You're frozen again. Okay time out, maybe I should explain...when I say you're warmer, that means you're closer, see? And when I say you're getting colder, you don't want to keep going that same way! You don't want to be an icicle, get it? Ok, ready? Time in! Warm, cool, cold, colder, FREEZING BRRRRR!!!
(THUMP from inside the cupboard)
Jack: (Sigh)
Me: (EXCITED GRIN)
Jack: She's in the cupboard. Game over. Leave me alone.
Me: Maaaaaaybe, maaaaaaybe not. Go see!
Jack: Fine. (Opens cupboard)
Me: AHAHAHAHAAA!! YAY!! (runs in circles) HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA! (clapclapclap) HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA! (clapclapclap)
Jack: Poor Juanita.
Me: What are you talking about? She LOVES this game. I mean, look at her!
Juanita: AYAYAYAY!! ARRIBA ARRIBA!! (skittery run around the kitchen)
Me: AGAIN! AGAIN!
Jack: Nope, I'm leaving.
Juanita: HIDE ME! HIDE ME! (scrappety scrappety claws taking a sharp corner)
Me: Yes! One more round!
Jack: Not playing. I'll see you later, I'm heading out to...
Me: Okay, we're ready!! Open your eyes!
Jack: ...What do you mean, open my eyes? Becky, I was standing right here with my eyes open when you hid her. Two seconds ago. Right here. Eyes open. Saw it.
Me: No you didn't.
Jack: Um...yes. Yes I did. You took that empty box, and then you hid Juanita under it.
Me: No I didn't. She's somewhere else. Somewhere not under that box.
Jack: Are you feeling okay? Your eyes look a little...crazy right now.
Me: Ready...GO! HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA! (clapclapclap)!!
Jack: (points to box) I'm going to guess that she's under the box.
Me: You're getting warmer! Warmer!
Jack: What do you mean, warmer? She's under the fucking box, Becky!
Me: HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA! (Crosses arms over chest, Russian high kicks around the kitchen) Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
Jack: Oh my God. I think I know what this is. You had a Slurpee today, didn't you?
Me: Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! (sticks out blue tongue) Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
Jack: Alright. This makes sense. I'm just gonna stick around and help you ride it out until you crash.
Me: (deep squats) Crash? Whatever. This is the REAL ME, Jack. (air punch, air punch) The sugar just lets me be ME! (walks like an Egyptian)
Jack: Right, settle down. Here, have a sandwich, maybe steady your blood sugar, okay?
Me: HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA! (clapclapclap!)
Jack: What? No, game's over, Becky. She's right over there licking her furgina.
Me: HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA HIDE JUANITA! (Eyes dart toward sandwich, EXCITED GRIN)
Jack: What're you looking at...HOLY SHIT! How'd you do that?!
Me: *champion arms!*
Jack: Oh. Okay. I see what's going on here. You photoshopped her. This whole thing, this whole conversation...it's just a blog post, isn't it? I'm just a fucking character in your blog post again. You know what? This is bullshit. I don't even know what's real anymore. It's like we can't even have a genuine interaction anymore, everything's gotta end up as a post, I'm not your fucking puppet you know and...DON'T YOU DARE STRIKE THROUGH MY DIALOGUE! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!
Me: Kinda rambly, Jack. You're bringing everyone down.
Jack: It's just kind of disrespectful when... I mean, I feel like I'm being exploited... Oh Jesus, you know what? Forget it. You are SO RUDE.
Me: I know what would make you feel better. How about a nice hot cup of...HIDE JUANITA!
Jack: I think you're off the rails. I don't think you should ever Slurpee and blog again. I think you're just confusing your readers now.
Me: That's interesting. You know what I think? I think HIDE JUANITA!
Me: Okay, okay! Wait! The Juanita Von Trapps would like to say goodbye. (Blows Captain's whistle) Children! Children! Jack is leaving the blog post! Come bid him adieu!
Jack: (rubs temples)
Me: Haha! Dog heads, it's funny because of the dogs heads, haha all the same outfits, Liesl and Kurt, knee socks, (yawn) my head feels funny. Do you hear static? This doesn't feel like my usual tongue, mnyuh, mnyuh. Knyow wha Jack? I think this is... (head roll)... this is the best post I've ever...(head roll)... riders of Rohan... (drool)... what say you... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Jack: That'll do, Becky. That'll do. (hits "publish post")
Fin.
Psst, hey. Do you want to see more Hide Juanita? Click on my secret Hitler video portal on the sidebar. -->
62 comments:
I think Juanita heads would have helped the movie Inception. Also, there's not enough walking like an Egyptian.
I had weed. You only had a slurpee. But you are more confused than me. How delightful.
There has to be a law somewhere that says you can't exploit Jack and Juanita. It's gotta be illegal.
Adieu
Adieu
To yieu and yieu and yieu
Furgina? Are you serious?
That's the funniest thing I've heard all day.
And that's saying a lot, because I've heard some funny shit today.
No. wait, no I haven't.
But still. That's hilarious.
Hanging out with Hitler makes Juanita a little blue. It's either slurpee-vision, or her armband's too tight.
Can Juanita come hang out with my dog? You know, when she's done? He's a little blue too because of the cone of shame and some penis-stitches.
LG: I like walking like an Egyptian, because the pokey front hand keeps me focused on where I'm headed, plus you've got the rudder hand in the back, steering you. It's like a life coach made of hands.
Demi G: Only had a Slurpee? ONLY had a Slurpee?? You didn't ask what flavor the Slurpee was. Well guess what? It was a peyote Slurpee! Now who's confused?? (Still me. Crap.)
Beta Dad: I sing it "To yuh and yuh and yuh-uh," but your way definitely looks nicer.
Hippo: I'm growing out my furgina. It's at that awkward stage, where I have to pin it back with clippies all the time.
Vic: She just looks blue next to those damn Nazis and their self-tanner. PS: Your poor pup and his double indignity!
Your Photoshop skills rule! Especially in the first photo.
Furgina *snort* could someone please come and clean the coffee off my monitors, thanks.
Pam: The first photo? Ah yes. The first one, the cupboard. The hard part was finding a place to put all the condiments so that I could fit her in there. I mean...the hard part was making it LOOK like there weren't any condiments in there, using PHOTOSHOP. Is what I meant.
TheSchwartz: Everyone loves Furgina. <--Coming to the CW this fall.
Russian High Kicks can be tricky. They can get rusty if not properly oi-led. (*looks around with tiny shame*)
"Riders of Rohan"...oh, lord. I just fell off my chair. On to my dog, who loves her furgina too! I'm going to have figure out how to use that new word at least once a day. Hopefully at work.
So, she was under the box the whole time? Man... she's good. I play hide and go seek with my dogs. They always hide in stupid places like on the bed or in the middle of the kitchen. It's like, "Duh! You're it! Silly bear!" So then they start counting (silently) and I go hide. Unbelievably,they never find me. I've got places all over the house where I can hide for hours (some more comfortable than others). I don't know if it's because I'm an awesome hider or they just kind of suck at it. You'd think their senses of smell would help, but it doesn't at all. It's just weird.
Wow. A Lord of the Rings reference AND Animal Farm, right there at the end.
I'd clap to celebrate your success, but I'm sure you have a headache now.
Summer at your house is SO much fun!!!!! I mean, except for the Hitler issues....
I just got a nice peacock feather vagband for my furgina.
In other news, I'm now craving peanut butter pancakes. Do such things exist? Cause they really should.
If I could lick my own furgina my family would need to photo shop me into all the pictures in the family photo album.
Oooh! I want to play this game with my new baby! Baby in the cupboard! Almost as cute as Juanita, but less furry! Pictures to follow...
Please don't slurp and drive.
I am so glad I was stoned when I read this last night.
Made it even better.
I'm glad I don't live with you. :)
So, just for educational purposes, and totally not because I want to hide my dogs and make my husband find them...but um.
How does one get the dog to agree to hide? Because my dogs don't like it when I put them in the cabinet. I mean, they wouldn't like it, if I had ever done that, which I haven't. As far as you know.
Juanita in the cabinet. Heh.
We just got a new puppy and now I've got a new game to play with him! Yay! He's so tiny I can hide him almost anywhere! (That is NOT a vagina reference. Repeat: That is NOT a vagina reference!)
As soon as i saw Juanita in the cabinet I busted out laughing. Now i am laughing so hard i have a cramp in my side. I am alternating between lauging and crying.
I was all set to be in a grumpy bad mood this morning, and you ruined it.
Ay ay ay, dog sammich! Ole!
Aw yes, blue slurpees. Nothing else can give you that look of, "I just spent the night giving Papa Smurf head" like a blue slurpee.
furgina. gonna use that one.
Furgina. heh heh
Please tell me the Juanita-in-the-kitchen-cabinet picture is not photoshopped. That's like, the best thing to do with a dog ever.
I'm sort of waiting for them to start making slurpees out of red bull. And they'd also be flamable. And good in bed. I may be mixing my metaphors now but my cravings are getting away with me. And don't forget, if you hide your dog while on a slurpee bender, make sure you smear it with peanut butter so it's got something to eat while you sleep it off and then forget where you put the poor darling. Plus, dogs eating peanut butter is pretty funny all by itself. Oh, caffeinated peanut butter slurpees? With everclear! They vibrate without you even needing to plug them in! I'm going with, "yum."
Sheer brilliance from start to finish. I'm going to buy my kids Slurpee's today and see what kind of posts I can get out of it.
So, I'm going to head into my wonderful I.T. meeting about nothingness where I can usually count on an hour or two of zzzzz's and see only Juanita heads on the company and furgina's.
I was feeling about seventeen kinds of weird today. Then I came over here. And now I feel TOTALLY NORMAL. As always. You are like a cure for insanity. So thanks. Also, Juanita TOTALLY wanted to be in that cupboard. And who hasn't hidden their pet with the Von Trapp family? Honestly.
Is that Juanita in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
I thought fucktardian was going to be the best thing I read today but furgina is so close to it I think it is a tie! Holy shit my day is now complete!
I thought the blog was funny, and then I read, "growing out my furgina . . ." and now I've got stomach cramps.
wow... just woww... that is all i have. that is a scoop of awesome with awesomesauce on top. nice.
Favorite post EVER! Well, maybe not. But I love to hear about Juanita's adventures.
can't decide if "The Juanita Von Trapps" or sandwich juanita is my favorite. cupboard juanita is definitely in the running as well. i think sandwich juanita needs to come to my house.
I love the dog in the sandwich... and "furgina." Seriously, I'm dying!
I play a similar game except it's called "hide Mr. Wiggly" and let me tell you I LOVE when he smells like bacon.
Mmmmmm. Juanita sandwich.
Who knew all I needed was a Slurpee for inspiration to post more? Although I don't have Jaunita, so it wouldn't be nearly as good.
Also? Jauanita Von Trapp is hysterical. Especially since I recently watched that and then decided I needed the soundtrack and have been singing it in the car at the top of my lungs.
What?
"The Sound of Music" is my favorite movie. But all this time, I never realized how much better it would have been had the Von Trapp kids been little Juanitas instead.
And, you know, I really hate kids. So you'd think I would have figured out this Juanita-for-kids swap on my own. Or maybe just picked a different favorite movie. Because, umm, there are a lot of kids in "The Sound of Music."
So WTF, me?
God, your funny. If slurpees did that to me I'd drink them every day
i thought i was the only one who plays these games after blue slurpees. we should totally hang.
Well, that post was just a little bit boring, a tad mundane and obvious.
Wait, I mean the opposite of that!
I actually laughed up one of my lungs, and now I'm all dizzy from being on half my normal levels of oxygen.
I hope you're happy.
Aha! Just the thing my blog needs! SLURPEE INFUSION!
Also, more dog heads. Clearly.
Furgina!!! Hilarious! This is great. Thanks i needed a laugh (and to feel normal - I could see this same scenario playing out in our household, minus the photoshopping).
The Juanita sandwich is my favorite. Yay sugar rushes!!!
My first reaction was, "what? everyone hides their dog in the cupboard once in a while"
And then I realized you lifted her up into the high cupboard and not just shoved her into a low cupboard like I do.
You're sick.
You just HAVE to play this with Nana's Nigerian nurse!! Especially with Juanita in the cupboard......ROFL.... :)
This game looks super funsies. Hiding any kind of living creature, including oneself, in a cupboard is reason enough for immense hilarity.
i want a blue slurpee now, hmmm...
Woman, you are on a full-on freak. I love it.
Pearl
This might be my fave ever. I love it so much. LOL
(Tell Jack that my husband thinks my blog exists for the sole purpose of ridiculing him. Which isn't true - that's only 56% of its purpose!!)
Thank you; I really was laughing out loud. Allie (Hyperbole & 1/2) sent me here - the two of you are a highlight in my otherwise drab day.
This gets funnier every time I read it.
I have to read this month or so just to laugh hard for a few minutes.
My husband has come to dread my clappy hands and Best! Game! Ever! moments. The sugar lets me be ME!
*wipes tears of laughter away*
My day has been made. :D
Oh God, I laughed so hard at the Juanita Von Trapps! Thank you dear, this is just what I needed.
Ben on Blue slushie: http://chella365.blogspot.com/2011/01/photo-three-hundred-sixty-three.html
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