Christmas night.
10:30 pm.
Becky and her family are sitting around the table playing the board game Clue, and discussing the irrelevance of placing the plastic weapons in each "room" as the directions instruct.
***
Step-brother: I just think that if the directions say we should lay out the weapons, we should lay out the weapons.
Mom: It's pointless and distracting though. It's just extra clutter in the rooms!
Brother: Well, what else are we gonna do with them. They're nice little props. Look at this little revolver. Pew! Pew!
Mom: Fine, I'll just put them back in the rooms, I don't care, it's just that...
Becky: *FAARRRTTT*
(silence)
...
(Becky sighs, takes her personal awkward silence cricket out of her pocket. Places it on table. Do your thing, cricket.)
...*ahem*.....chirp...
(family members lower their heads to silently analyze their playing cards, making copious notes regarding strategy, very very busy all the sudden, concentratey faces everywhere)
Becky: I...I pushed it out.
(............chirp........(infinity minutes)...........chirp.............)
Brother: You....you what?
Becky: I pushed it out.
Brother: What a weird thing to say. "I pushed it out." Are you drunk?
Becky: No.
Brother: Why are you telling us that you pushed it out?
Becky: Well you guys got all quiet like you were pretending you didn't hear it. I farted. Don't ignore it. You don't have to pretend for me. I wanted you to know that I pushed it out. It didn't sneak out or anything. I was just letting everyone know.
Brother: That you pushed it out?
Becky: Yeah. It was on purpose, so...not embarrassing, see?
Mom: No, honey. When you put it that way, not embarrassing at all.
Becky: I just feel really comfortable here. I love you guys. Merry Christmas.
...
chirp.
...
Becky: I pushed it out.
Mom: We know, honey. You're the boss of your farts.
Becky: I am.
...
....chirpchirp....
...
Brother: Your turn. Go.
Becky: Ok, um....Professor Plum?...with a candlestick?...in the....
*face turns red*
Becky: in the........urghhh
*neck veins bulge*
Mom: Honey, we believe you. It was on purpose. You don't have to prove it.
Brother: What are you doing? You're trying to fart on cue now?
Becky: No, I'm just thinking very hard. Hmm. I'll guess....Professorrrrnghh
Mom: Don't push too hard honey, you'll break a vein somewhere.
Becky: I just feel like my honor's been insulted here. I don't want your pity, any of you. Your pity is what's embarrassing, not the actual fart. I pushed it out.
Brother: Oh my God. I should go, it's getting late. I think we're all a little tired.
Becky: No. Let's play. Professor Plum.....with the candlestick....in...themmmph....
Brother: Really?
Becky: iiinnnn theeeeeeeee....
Mom: Honey. If you have to force it, maybe it's not meant to be.
Becky: I'm not pushing. Shh. Wait. Seriously you guys, shutupshutup.
....
...um, chirp?...
Becky: No, not now, cricket. This isn't awkward. This is poignant and suspenseful.
Brother: Actually, it is a little awkward.
....chirp!!...
Becky: Hey how bout you not confuse my cricket? Please?? That's weeks of training down the drain.
Brother: I'm gonna go home.
Becky: ...with a candlestick......in the.......*EEYEERRRPP????*
....
....cricket falls over dead....
...
Brother: That was actually...wow...that was....did you do that on purpose? That thing where it goes up at the end and sounds like a question?
Mom: That was nice, honey. You're in the conservatory, so I think we can assume that's your guess. Does anyone have Professor Plum, candlestick, conservatory? No? Anyone?
Brother: *face turns red* *intense focus eyes*
Mom: Oh no, not you too. Listen, just because she has a special talent doesn't mean you don't have your own special talents. Like, you're good at basketball and drawing apples. She's a great cake decorator and she asks questions with her butt. You guys are both special in your own ways. No competition today, please? Now...Professor Plum? Candlestick? Conserva....
Brother: I can...*veins bulge*...do it. I can make the question noise too.
Becky: You can! You can do it! Think of a question in your mind. Think really hard. Make your whole body feel inquisitive. I believe in you.
Mom: Oh, what a rare treat! I love watching you guys work together like this. There's nothing that makes me happier as a mother. This is the best Christmas ever. God bless us every one.
CURTAIN CLOSES.
APPLAUSE.
CIDER AND COCOA IN THE LOBBY.
87 comments:
oh man, i am literally choking at my desk because i am laughing so hard. your family is awesome.
wonderful. and to think I have been pretending all of the farts in my house weren't me... why should I bother when I should be proud?
omg, remind me to not try to eat anything while reading your post...laughing = choking on my apple treat.
HILARIOUS!!
Dude, you have just raised the bar in family gatherings. Your bro is somewhere right now PRACTICING for your next get together. I love those squeaky farts that sound like you swallowed a clown. I also like to rip them then look at someone else intently like, "I'm sorry, was that you?"
LMFAO hillarious post!!
Cricket falls over dead
hahahahahaha
I am crying from laughing so hard. That story was great.
Hahaha...It's more like force it out!! I have to try it... *grins*
So effin funny! But oyu left me hanging, I wanna know more about your cricket training program.
It's a good thing you told them that it was on purpose because it's important to maintain your dignity when you're trying to be a fancy lady.
That cricket needs to learn what's what. He kept messing up his lines. What is this amateur night? Am I right? High Five!
That is disgusting/wonderful/inspirational. I really don't have any idea where to go from here. I'm going to make some 12 bean chili though just in case I go the inspirational route. Game on.
I was like "pushed what out?" and now I wish I could maybe throw some bleach on my brain to erase the answer, which was "the fart". In case you forgot.
Your family is awesome and hilarious! I'm totally stealing "Boss of your farts" . Thanks for that.
Do you think your Mom would mind giving me some of that encouragement? She's masterful at it. As it seems you are at dominating lodged farts. I bow to you, oh Fart Boss. I think you need a Boss of Farts name plate for your desk!
i totally thought "pushed it out" meant "shit your pants at the dining room table". i still laughed though at it being just a fart. next time...shit your pants. for me.
i'm still waiting for my favor.
You know how when people comments and they're all, "I'm laughing so hard I spit my drink out and am crying and hyperventilating and someone just asked what's wrong with me"? And you never really believe it because c'mon, man, that doesn't really happen?
YES IT DOES. DID. HOLY SHIT I AM DYING AND IT HURTS, THE LAUGHS, OH THEY HURT.
You're obviously full of The Awesome. Because you're a BECKY. Marry me.
FYI? Funny. And I never laugh at anything. Well, outloud....
Loved that. And I've totally question marked a fart before - though never with such a captive audience.
This is one of those posts that make me question whether or not I'm ever really funny.
The blog world is single handedly responsible for me changing my opinion that ladies don't fart. It wasn't as crushing as I thought.
That question at the end bit made my day. Thank you. When I get home, you'll have a new follower.
First, I can't believe after all this time of me telling Travis how awesome you are, he still hasn't been following you.
What do I have to do? Beat him over the head with a vegetarian?
Secondly, "Brother: I can...*veins bulge*...do it. I can make the question noise too.", made me LOL.
Thirdly, when you can control the smell, then come talk to me.
But from a distance.
Better yet, call me.
farts are funny=scientific fact. you totally won, though. i mean "whoever smealt it dealt it," right? epsofatto... you win. board games are for winners.
Wow I'm hurting from laughing!
Do you know, I think of myself as being unamused by fart humor. And yet here we are, proving me wrong.
Alice: Yeah, my family's pretty dope. Do people still say dope? Let's all say dope.
blueskies: Exactly. Fat pride. <--I left out the "r" and I swear it was a total accident, but clearly Freudian.
Stacie: I'm sending you a virtual Heimlich. Wait...Heisman? Himmler? It's Heimlich, right?
Veg: Swallowed a clown!! HAHAHA!! I've described it as a Disney forest squirrel begging for a treat. I like yours better.
Pork: I'm sad that I had to kill off the cricket. It was essential to the plot though. Otherwise it wouldn't have been believable.
Kristin: Thanks! I'm glad this came across funny, and not berserker like usual.
PT: I think coaxing it out it the way to go. Gently encouraging it out. Unless you're on a cue deadline and then it's by any means necessary.
Cindy: Training crickets in the subtle nuances between awkward silences and pregnant pauses takes time, patience, love, and tiny little bullwhips made of dental floss.
Gwen: Not this time, Gwen. Not this time.
Kurt: You're the best cricket heckler ever. And revealing yourself as the farter is like chapters 1-7 of that Emily Post book about being fancy.
Buggin: Ooh! I know a poem about that. It goes something like "Beans beans they make you fart, something something eat more beans." I forgot some of it. I don't know, poetry's not really my thing.
Chiefy: Let me fart in your ear, I'll blow it out for you.
BACK IN A SEC. There are children all over me. iCarly is blasting. Can't focus.
hahahahhahahaha. omg im dyingggggggggggggggggggggggggg
Wow. This is intense.
Can your brother show me how to draw an apple? Mine always come out lopsided.
What did your butt want to know? I think that's what we should be focusing on here.
Three things that will always make me laugh:
1. Obese people in wheel chairs.
2. Obese people at All You Can Eat buffets
3. Farting.
Well, done, Steamy. Sounds like you had an awesome holiday.
I'm new to the blog, but you are AWESOME. For Christmas this year, I got a book called What Your Poo Is Telling You, which comes with a poo log. So I know a little something about things that come out of your butt, and girl, you are a master!
Also, I harbour an unholy passion for Julie Andrews, and since she appears in your header, you've just gained a stalker (me).
Oh good, you're back. I just read your whole blog over Christmas, and was concerned that now that I love you and everything, you'd quit writing or something. But no, you were just busy competitively staining your underpants. Whew.
Amanda: You mean boss of YOUR farts, right? Not boss of *my* farts. You're not the boss of my farts.
HHH: Only if the nameplate were solid gold, otherwise nobody would take me seriously.
j-face: It's a sad day when people reading this blog think I'm writing about having shit my pants at the dinner table, and don't even stop to think twice about it before continuing. Oh yes, of course Becky shits her pants, pfft, why not? (What favor? You mean the sandwich? (-:)
Lilu: YAY! Win for me! High praise, lady. Thank you.
Aunt Becky: I will marry you, as I am of the opinion that Beckys should only marry Beckys. I'm a Becky segregationist. See my sidebar? --->
Jessica: I'm going to start replying to my question farts. Like, my butt will say, "Meeei-yu?" and I will reply, "Yes, butt, it's me and you together forever. I'll never leave you." I'm like the fart whisperer.
Travis: I know the posts of which you speak, and I'm very flattered that you consider this one. And ladies don't fart, just me. I'm the only one. (High five, ladies! I got your back!)
Ed: I can control the smell. I always choose "feet and old beef" and voila! Boss of farts.
Back in a sec!!
Holy mother of eff. It's 1am and I can't actually laugh because it'll wake up someone else. Today's lesson: repressed guffaws HURT, dammit.
I can't even pick a favorite part because I started giggling into my bathrobe at the first FAARRRTTT and haven't stopped. And Veggie's "swallowed a clown comment" didn't help, either. Holyshitholyshitholyshit.
We were just playing Clue a week ago and I wondered the same thing about the weapons. That is where the similarities between your game and mine come to an abrupt end.
I think its interesting that when you beefed it got all quiet and uncomfortable. When guys fart, we laugh and high five. Family or not.
"Listen, just because she has a special talent doesn't mean you don't have your own special talents. Like, you're good at basketball and drawing apples. She's a great cake decorator and she asks questions with her butt. You guys are both special in your own ways."
I want to be a mom like your mom is a mom.
Why do my farts always sound like that cheek-pop in the Lollipop song? When do I get a *FART*? Do you have to practice? I know what I'm getting my family for Christmas next year. I have 361 days to get this down.
I'm wiping away little happy tears.
Genius.
I actually Mwehed Out Loud at the question marks.
Ace.
In our household, it's an annual tradition to see who can produce the most offensive meat/veg/booze-based stench which clears the room quickest. As ever, the winner each time is no-one, really. Certainly not our noses.
Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Ooh. The main problem with this is that I read it at work, in a small office with only myself and my boss here. And in a tear-filled and shaking-shouldered attempt to hold the laughter in, I pretty much asked a question with my ass too!!
I don't think I could love you any more than I do right now. And because of that, I'm going to steal your family.
Absolutely.Hysterical.
this post made my day.
You'll break a vein.... I bet you get hemorrhoids. You should stop pushing.
And here I was, all bitter because I had to come back to work today and now I'm crying my cubicle.
I have never gotten fart humor. But I do get poop humor. I wonder why that is?
Like, pooping your pants = funny. Farts = gross.
Why?
Maybe I just don't like farts because they're unproductive.
I love family time.
Farting and family time, they go hand in hand, at least in my family and yours too it seems. Godd times, good times.
You know what they say:
"Nothing brings a family closer than a highly strained fart."
Emily Dickenson wrote some magical shit.
WOOOO. That was totally my ab workout for the day and also the tear duct workout. Because ow I just laughed so hard that a tear came out and then it started to hurt. Jerk.
Awww man! I want to be the boss of my farts too, but they just come out whenever they want, all willy nilly.
Your mom is wonderfully supportive.
Also, farts with a question mark rule.
I thought this entry was going to end with poop.
I'm a little disappointed.
Well it certainly sounds like you had yourself a merry little Christmas...way to go Steamy!
Well, here's the fart poem I know:
Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel,
So let's have beans at every meal.
Surely there are others?
Barbara
MLBECKS: I like when you get all sciencey. It's true though: Fart x poop tpo the power of stinky divided by boner equals winner.
Mr. C: *curtsy*
Swistle: I'm glad I tore down your fart wall. (I am such a fucking poet.)
Constructy: *queen wave*
The comments on this blog were almost as good as the blog itself. Fart humor at its finest.
And WOW. The feet and old beef comment made me throw up a lil bit in my mouth.
Silly J: Wicked intense. Word.
Vic: My butt asks only the deepest, most existential questions, like, "Reeeewoop?" (Translation: Why are we here?) and "Kakoooow?" (Translation: How can we be sure of what is reality and what is perception of reality?") Also, my brother can totally help you with your apples. *wink*
Tony: Well, I am obese so I take offense to #1 and #2. Just kidding. Maybe. I do use a wheelchair though. Maybe. Ok, it's a bike. But that obese part was true. Maybe. Just kidding. Maybe.
Kali: I LOVE Julie Andrews! I think I got into teaching just so I had enough kids to act out scenes from The Sound of Music. I actually got the kids to perform So Long, Farewell one year when my TA moved away. That was the best day ever.
Meen C: What? You did?? Oh, blush. Man, I need to clean out my archives. And for the record? No stains on me. I'm kind of anal about my anus.
inky: I find that when I'm up late and trying to stifle laughter, moaning helps to release the energy. Not sexy moaning, more like ghost moaning. It's extra fun when my friends bring their kids to visit.
WTWA: Beefed!! I was trying forever to think of that word! Damn.
Kate: Maybe your ass cheeks aren't floppy enough? Is that YOU with the long legs in that pic up there? Damn, lady. I kind of hate you a little. (Ok, I'm over it. Hug?)
Cap: Yeah, I get all weepy over fart humor too.
The J: MOL?? The The Jules Stamp of Mweh. I'm so proud of my little post.
Baldy: Exactly. Nobody wins. It's a victimful crime.
Mona: *champion arms!*
sjat: Did you answer it? I find that "You tell me" is almost always an appropriate response to ass questions. Quasstions.
owo: Why don't you just come here and move in. It's easier that way.
TaylorMW: Really? Thanks! Wait, really? I'm naive.
Jules: I hardly ever push, it was a crisis situation, my pride was on the line. My eyes are kind of bloodshot still though.
Maely: Aw, don't cry. There, there. Hey, look! *pfewt?* That was one with a Swedish accent, just for you. Feel better?
Mandy: Yeah, I get that. Farts are just cowardly poops.
Ben: Me too. It's the reason for the season. I think. Wait, maybe I'm thinking of cookies. Or hand jobs. Technically, the reason for the season is the tilt of the earth on its axis, but that's not it either...
MamaW: If you can't fart with your family, who can you fart with? Besides friends of course. And pets. And by yourself. And the people waiting in line behind you at The Gap.
moooooog: Ah yes, then there's this goody: "Two roads diverged in the wood. And I? I took the one less farty."
JAG: No pain, no...strong...tear ducts? No pain, no tears?
Miss Y: You must earn their respect first. Watch an episode of Cesar Milan, then switch out dogs for farts. You need to be the alpha. That's the problem.
Soda: Sheeewooop??
Maxie: And then I pooped a little. The End. (You're right, that IS better. I'm going to end all my posts that way from now on. Maybe my Xmas cards too.)
Peggy: Oh no. I just realized. Steamy. Now my blog name is all farty. Gross.
Barbara: That brought a tear to my eye. I like the part about the music. And the beans. Beautiful.
Lindsay: This is the fartiest comment section ever. I don't know why my readers are so gross with the fart humor. I write a beautiful post about family and togetherness and they go and turn it all farty. Thanks alot.
First of all PLEASE tell me that your mom really said that you are the boss of your farts. Because I have to believe that was real. And second, I know you probably both ended up sharting in your pants.
I think farts are either asking a question or singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
This is pure 100% natural Christmas spirit. Nice work Becky! I'm impressed!
*faaaaaaaarrrrtttttt*
Never trust a fart, (especially the push out kind) because it might be a shart. Best piece of advice I've ever received. Oh and by the way, you have a twin in Kansas City and I met her today - looks and personality wise, at least from what I've gathered on this blog. It was totally creepy...in a good way.
Nicely done. It was like I was there.
:-)
My grandfather's follow-up to a fart, btw, was to say, "Had to kick him out. Wouldn't pay the rent."
Pearl
Question farts? QUESTION FARTS?!? You my friend, are my farting hero. And the fact that question farts bring the family closer together, is a bit breathtaking. Bravo.
hahahahaha...this is the ONLY story about farts that I actually found funny.
Oh man. I almost cried, I was laughing so hard. I've told my family for the past three years that I just don't fart. Ever. They don't believe me, of course, because it's a physical necessity, so they always try to catch me in the act. They never do, though, because I'm sneaky. I fart like a ninja.
Wow, your family is really different from mine. Farts are usually the things we use to break up the awkward silences. Screw those crickets. One fart can give us a good 15 minutes of conversation.
I am so hot for you right now.
Oh dear lord! I think you just made me pee myself. I was laughing so hard. What if, while strenuously pushing, someone actually shits themselves?? Is that considered awkward?? Because I'm really sure it would be.
♥Spot
omg. seriously. dying.
ooooooooooo.
it huuurrrrrrtssssss....
my kids are asking me why i cant talk right now...
omg. funnies shit, err, fart ever.
When I read the title of this entry, I thought you were going to be the subject of the next episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". Instead you were just gassy. Like everyone else said, the concept of the interrogative fart was my favorite part. It's subtler than the declarative fart or the imperative fart. Also, now we know your ass is from the Valley.
For whatever it's worth, your brother is right about laying out the weapons. Nice things are nice.
Be careful when pushing. If you fart people get over it in a couple of days...
You shit your pants and people will talk about you for years.
Just sayin'
That was intriguing. We usually just laugh and say something witty like "ewww". Maybe Becky just needs to come up with some funny one liners for when she farts. Yeah, that's the ticket! She could take the show on the road. She'd be a sensation.
On a side note, I hope you have ceiling fans.
HNY. (hairy nutty yaks)
Reading that made me laugh properly out loud and has now left me intermittently giggling, choking and hiccupping. Brilliant.
Classic! I appreciate a lady who knows her bodily functions and can use them well. A well placed parp is just as talented as comic timing elsewhere in life. Only smellier. And funnier. I once got kicked out of a lady's house for guffawing at an inappropriate moment when she ripped one right in my face during an intimate moment. It rippled my mustache like the ghost of the wicked witch of the east just flew by on her broomstick. I never saw her again. Go figure.
Yeah. Funniest thing I've ever read. Perhaps coincidental that it's about farting, but I don't think so. And your mom is right. If you have to force it, it's not meant to be. It's like that old saying: If you love your fart and try to set it free, if it returns, was it ever yours? That's one for the philosophers, not me. Anyway, I admire your courage. You purposely farted and told them that's what you did. You then confronted their awkward silence and refused to let them treat you like some "dirty little secret" farter that we can't talk about. It's almost as if, sitting there at that very moment, you said to yourself, "I have to fart. I could hold it in like always, but that wouldn't change the world at all. I will not be that person today." I love you.
I am always so inspired when I come here.
I push too.
I get it from my mom,theburp forcer. She opens, forces & then looks appalled as she apologizes.. like.. Hello, you just forcefully pushed it out. Be dignified & dont apologize if your gonna play that game.
I am so glad I found your blog, I needed to wake my household with laughter!
You need to get this book: "Joel's Fact-Filled Fart Book and Journal". I bought it for my dad when I was in high school, but I think I enjoyed it more. My dad is one of those people who farts on purpose, but doesn't acknowledge it or expect you to acknowledge it. Once, I thought a gun had gone off in the distance only to find out it was one of his farts.
To completely cement my status as your newest and creepiest stalker, I've given you an award. Be afraid, be very afraid.
http://bugginword.com/2010/01/05/suck-it-sally-field/
wow.
There is a little award for you over at my blog if you are so inclined to accept it! :)
I just discovered your blog and am laughing so hard I'm crying. Thanks for this.
nice post. thanks.
Bwahaha. This was the FUNNIEST thing I've ever read!!!
Im new here and I. Love. Your. Blog. Just sayin :)
I have tears....TEARS! I love you.
I was laughing so hard I started crying. Then I choked on my own saliva.
...Then my mom came downstairs to ask if I was alright.
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read!
OMFG i actually almost pee'd reading that one. LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i lurve you!!
Tears running down my face right now in laughter like seriously
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