I arrived at her house and followed the smell of baby powder and Ensure up the stairs, past the motorized stair-seat, hung a right at the wheelchair and followed the sounds of oxygen tank. And what I discovered when I peeked around the La-Z-Boy was that the past couple months of year 102 have not treated her too kindly. Ahmahgah. WhahappatoNana.
I put my hand on hers and bent down to look into her eyes and whispered, "Hi Nana! It's me Becky!
Her Nigerian nurse rubbed her arm vigorously then and shouted, "LOOK WHO IT IS COME TO SEE YOU, NANA!! LOOK WHO IT IS!! IT IS BECKY!! OPEN YOUR EYES!! OPEN YOUR EYES!! OPEN YOUR EYES NANA! LOOK WHO COME TO SEE YOU TODAY!!"
(Holy shit, lady. Let her sleep. It's cool. I'll catch up with her another time.)
But she continued, screaming now. "NANA YOU HAVE A SURPRISE VISITOR!! GUESS WHO IT IS!! OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE FOR YOURSELF!! OPEN YOUR EYES NANA!! WOOWOOOWOOO!! (clapclapclap) SAY HELLO TO YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER BECKY!! SHE COME TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS TODAY!! YAYAYAYAWHOOOO!! (clapclapclap)"
Blog sidebar: Cmere a sec. Now before you go thinking negatively of Nana's Nigerian nurse for all the screaming, let me assure you that she's a good egg. For example, despite the fact that she's very proper and reserved, she uses the word "pussy" all the time to refer to her ladycrotch, because (I can only assume) some evil, mischievous person provided her with the wrong term when she was learning English. (Not me.) (For real, not me.) And she pronounces it "Poo-see" which is so oily and suggestive I can't help but shudder with glee.
Also, Nana's Nigerian nurse has a special friendship with my little dog Juanita. Here are some things I have heard her saying to Juanita when she thought nobody was listening:
"Oh, Juanita. You are so small, but you have the heart of a lion. You can move mountains, and you will one day. I am sure of it."
"Juanita, would you like to go to see the Miley Cyrus movie with me? We will sit in the front row together. We will have a wonderful time."
"Oh Juanita, we are both single ladies. Will you do the single ladies dance with me? (tambourine hands) All the single ladies. All the single ladies dance with their hands up. Go to the club! Let us put a ring on it!"
See? I told you. She's a good egg. Now, back to Nana...
"NANA LOOK WITH YOUR EYES!! THERE YOU GO NANA!! OPEN YOUR EYES!!"
And she did! Her eyes scanned from left to right and landed on me, and then, hold on, here it comes...I think...I think she's gonna do it...yes here it comes...
*wink*
Booya. A wink from Nana is like a zerbert from God.
Exhausted from all the activity, she fell back asleep.
So...standing there with my bag full of blogger names written on post-its and folded in quarters, I realized that, once again, Nana will not be able to pick a contest winner for me. And seeing as how she's never alone anymore, it's not even possible for me to attach a piece of double-sided tape to the tip of her index finger, hang her arm over the side of her chair, and dip her hand into my bag of names hoping one sticks. This is bullshit.
So...contest winner is TBA, as soon as I come up with a plan B.
In the meantime, I'm reposting below. I have to do it now because, well, you know...*taps watch* if you catch my drift. In other words, to quote a great poet and a master of metaphor, "Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives, and Nana's just about out of sand."
***
You've changed, Nana.
There, I've said it. You have this silent, haughty air about you lately. At first I thought it was a temporary ego thing after Willard Scott announced your 100th birthday on air, but a couple of years have passed and nothing's changed. It's so easy for people to get caught up in your grammy sweaters and your Captain Kangaroo 'do and think aw, she's so cute. But I'm not buying it anymore. Seriously, I'm so done.
I don't care how old you are. I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking. You're acting like a dick.
Don't give me that confused look. Alright, let me lay it all out on the table:
1) Listen up, you. I'm 34 years old. A five spot in a birthday card isn't gonna cut it anymore. I realize in your day five dollars would have bought you a log cabin, or a parasol, or whatever you people spent your money on before there was good stuff, but welcome to the future, Nana. Shit's expensive. And the way you so carelessly scrawl your name at the bottom of the card, I can't read a word of it. I don't care how bad your hand shakes, you better find a way to pull yourself together and eek out something resembling a legible signature. Put some effort into it. Take a pill, ask your home health care worker to hold your wrist steady, whatever you gotta do, just make it happen.
2) Is there something wrong with our air? It suits me just fine, same with everyone else you know. But apparently our stupid old atmosphere isn't up to your standards. Don't think it's gone unnoticed that you keep your own private stash (the good stuff, no doubt) in a tank nearby so you don't have to breathe the generic brand. We are literally not fit to breathe the same air, are we. This is elitism at its worst. It's AIR, Nana, it's free, and look around...it's freakin everywhere!
3) Sleeping 23 hours a day is for cats and hobos, so wake the hell up. Come on, up and at 'em! Days a wastin'! It's not like the other waking hour of your day is so exhausting. I mean, you have not one, but TWO people holding you by your armpits every time you go anywhere, so how tiring can your life possibly be? I wish I had it that good, I wish people would carry ME around everywhere by my armpits. I work hard, blogging and texting and thinking all the time, but I manage to walk to the bathroom from my seat in front of the tv and back like everyone else. People are starting to talk about how lazy you are, and frankly, I'm tired of defending you.
4) I, too, get tired of chewing sometimes. I know, food can be so damn chunky. But I get through it, and so should you. The fact that you demand that your food be pureed to a pulp is just such diva behavior. Listen Ms. Ross, use the teeth your periodontist gave you, open up, and get to work. Eat your eggplant parmesan whole and unblended like everyone else, because you're really no better than the rest of us.
5) My name is Becky. BECKY. Here, I'll help you out. You know a neat trick to remember it? It's the same as your name. Which is also BECKY. I know, it's tricky. But in any case my name's not "Howdi-li-do!," or "Don't you look festive today!" And winking at me with your twinkly eye and bright grandmotherly smile does not a greeting make.
6) Woman, we get it. You've been around for over a century, and in that time you have acquired an impressive collection of jewelry. But really, there is no need to flaunt it in our faces every day. What statement are you trying to make with this endless parade of bedazzled hummingbird broaches and gold rope chain necklaces adorned with cardinals, honeybees, and sparrows? Are you trying to make everyone jealous? Well, guess what. It worked. Happy?
7) The drama. Oh Lord, the drama you bring with you everywhere you go. These "Petite Mal Seizures" and "Temporary Comatose States" you seem to miraculously fade in and out of, it's barely funny anymore. You realize you almost ruined Thanksgiving when we had to remove you from the table and lay you out on the floor to check your breathing? There never was a bigger attention whore, ever. If I faked a coma or a seizure every time I felt neglected, I'd never get up. Deal with it.
Pull yourself together, Nana. Really. What would Jesus say?
62 comments:
Juanita likes Miley Cyrus?!
And I had to go to that movie all by myself...
Oh, the elderly. You know the minute you leave she snaps out of it and says "got that bitch again." And then she and the nurse go for Bloody Marys.
Heeeeeeeennnhhhh. (<-laugh noise)
I can't wait until my grandmother starts losing bowel control and forgets my name! What a ride, yo!
(I'm kidding, Grandma. Really. Don't give me the pimp hand, again.)
P.S. Your Nana is adorable. I know, I know- it's as obvious as saying, "Brad Pitt is an attractive man!", but it must be said:
A-fuckin-dorable.
Thank you for the insight on what it is to love and have a grandmother. I have never had one but I hope someday to be just like yours!
I am crying, laughing, and snorting yogurt mixed with Grapenuts out my nostrils on this one
Well my grandma's dead so you just think about that. She CAN'T wink at me because, you know, she's currently in the form of ashes in my uncle's closet. ASHES CAN'T WINK STEAMY!
Yep, still funny.
The single ladies thing was gold.
I still say Nana's a sexy beast.
Speaking of old things on their way out, whatever happened to that sick dog you had that was pissing everywhere and falling down alot?
Just curious.
Maybe I'm off my meds, but I thought a zerbert from God felt like a blow-jay.
I'm totally off my meds.
Prosy: I saw the movie without dog as well. Juanita would have been a great cover.
Libby: Yeah, I thought I heard a Harley rev up in the garage after I left her room.
Kate: She really is. You should see her wink. Sparkles shoot out of her eye for real. Ping!
Mama: One can only hope. 102 and still kicking.
Scandy: Ow, what? Grapenuts? What out, a grapenut can kill when projected at high speeds. I bet that's what killed JFK.
JAG: Ashes can so wink, you just have to know how to shake them the right way.
owo: It's golder in person, with the accent. True.
Ed: Scroll down on my cbox (twss) for Dolphinhead updates, I linked to a post.
Kurt: By meds, you mean Skittles? And no, a zerbert from God feels like a hand jay. A blow job from ME feels like a hand jay from God. It's complicated.
A few more of your posts and my professor ill definitely know that I read blogs during class. Hilarious!
Oh man...I remember reading some of your posts about Nana when I first came across your wonderful blog. I'm in love with her.
I think you should let that nurse have your dog. I mean, look how much they have in common! It's ridiculous how much alike they are!
I want to meet your nana's nurse. Seriously, I talk to animals like that too. And imagine if she was serious about taking your dog to see Miley Cyrus? That would be awesome. Because I think you'd have to dress the dog up in human clothes and make her walk on her hind legs. Oh, what tales she could tell of her journey to the human land of terrible music!
I want a Nigerian Nurse for Christmas.
This only serves to make me even more jealous that I never knew any of my grandparents, nor did I ever have a Nigerian anything of any kind. I did once have a dog who could move mountains, so there's that.
Oh Nana. Dear Nana. And Dear Juanita. Creepy pussy loving Juanita.
Creepy underage pussy loving Juanita.
Why do you even joke like you haven't already decided that I'm going to win? Silly Becky. You have no idea of the power I have over you...no idea.
Sorry, but I think Nana's sweet just the way she is and NANA JUST IGNORE BECKY; SHE'S BEING A PITA!
I heart the nurse, I think you should let her take Juanita out for a night on the town. All the single ladies!
Goddamit, becky. Seriously. What's with all these sappy posts lately? It's seriously eroding the weather-worn exterior I've built up around you in my mind's eye.
I mean, I seriously had to think about baseball and planter's warts and dogs eating their own poo during that last paragraph in order to keep the tears at bay.
I think I'll start using the Nana Wink at my work when people catch me asleep at my desk. Because then everyone will be all "Oh hahaaa! I get it! You were pretend sleeping!".
Why don't you have Nana's Nigerian Nurse pick the winner? This strategy seemed obvious to me.
I think it's all been said; there's nothing left.
Yelena: Oh no. Just turn your volume down. I was in an echoey auditorium recently when my computer shouted, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!!!!"...awkward.
Tony: Everyone loves Nana. She's like Raymond, only sleepier.
bikram: I know, I've considered putting it in my will just in case. But what Nigerian Nurse doesn't realize is that Juanita is a food slut, and only loves her for the treats. It's a sad love affair.
Chiefy: I DO have dog clothes. Are you surprised? No? Actually, social services dropped by this week to confirm that Nana was indeed still alive and that it wasn't a hoax to get her ss money, and I was considering dressing Juanita up as Nana and tucking her into bed and then introducing her to the ss people as Nana, and making crazy eyes like I believed it. Maybe this is just one of those Only-funny-to-me things.
Mona: If that's not the title of a christmas song yet, it should be.
beckeye: She's actually also a great great grandmother too! But don't be jealous, I will share Nana's Nigerian nurse with you.
Erin: Actually, I collected all the stuff with the assumption Miss Yvonne was going to win, I guess because she won last time. So if a guy wins, I'm screwed. And how did you know Juanita loves pussy? Did I write that before? NN says, "Oh, Juanita, you love my poo-see because I carry the smells of my country with me!"
Pop: Hey lady, did I say I want to change Nana? No. Nana is a freakin saint. I'm not a PITA, unless that stands for Prettiest In The America, in which case, yes, that's me.
Soda: All the single ladies, put your hand up in the air and wave them! Put a ring on my finger Juanita! (Heehee they'd be so cute out at a club together)
mjenky: weather-worn? I feel like Jack Palance now. I'm a sensitive, tender heart, Jenky. And then POW! I'm an asshole. I'm like the Kaiser Soze of blogging. Well, of this blog anyhow.
Miss Yvonne: It also helps if you draw eyeballs onto your eyelids. I'm gonna have to try that with Nana if she doesn't wake the fuck up soon. I miss her.
Mandy: I know, but I wouldn't tell her what it's for and I'd feel like I was exploiting her. Weird, huh, that I would feel uneasy about that at this point.
Eva: Nobody's flat out reprimanded me for teasing Nana yet. Would you like the honors?
I like how you were a little uncomfortable writing such a sweet sentimental blog last time so you immediately followed up with still some sentiment but also more of your fantastic crazy sense of humor in this blog. I believe the next blog you will be back to full obnoxious self absent of any and all sentiment.
So basically you're taking notes so you'll know how to act at that age? Right?
Yay! A nana post! They're my absolute favorite. The Nigerian nanny (she's like a motivational speaker for dogs) is a bonus, like getting extra chocolate from the vending machine.
O my god woman you are so funny!
Have I added you to my blog roll? I don't remember. But if I haven't, I'm gonna. Right now.
Pearl
Oh man. I don't know if I'm just a cold, cruel person but that was FUNNY. Poor nana.
But awesome Nigerian nurse. The poo-see thing almost ended me. I'm still not sure my breathing's right yet. One thing though, HOW THE HELL did you and the nurse lady get on to the subject of front bottoms ANYWAY? And do I want to know? (Yes I do)
Well, there's A LOT going on here but my suggestion would be to send nana's nigerian nurse for drinks with Jaunita and then do the old double sided tape trick. Absolutely. Fucking. Hilarious.
Your nana is so rad.
Oh and dressing Juanita up as Nana and then introducing her to the ss people is definitely NOT one of those "only funny to you" things. Just for the record.
Every time I come here I intend to inventory all the things that are wrong with you (so I can copy them) but then I can't because I'm laughing too hard.
Next time you see Nana, please to be giving her a tiny peck on the cheek from me because she is damn cute and I heart her.
She's got oxygen?
And here I am absorbing it out of the air for myself like a sucker. . .
Wow: Hmmm we'll see. Maybe I've evolved. Maybe I'm growing up and tackling more emotional subject matter and holy crap my dog just pooped the leaning tower of Pisa!! I gotta get a photo...
linlah: Um...well here's the deal. My Nana's favorite saying was "Lips that touch liquor will never touch mine." So I've kinda screwed the pooch what with all that drunk sex. I'll never make it to 102.
Vic: Extra chocolate? Hmm now that you mention it, she IS black. I hadn't noticed, Vic, because I don't see skin color. Only the person within. But yeah, I guess you could think of her as "bonus chocolate". I'll go over there this afternoon and see what she thinks about her new nickname. (teehee)
Pearl: I don't know if you did, but DO IT!! YAY! Hey fun fact: My sister's dog's name was Pearl, and Pearl died yesterday. Pearl was bristley and stinky and looked like a warthog. You are the opposite. You're welcome for the compliment.
Veg: See my comment back to erin up there. SHE brought it up, totally unprompted. But she's right, the dogs do seem to love the smell of Nigerian poo-see. They are poo-see snobs, apparently. Not just any poo-see will do. Of course they go for the imported stuff.
Peggy: I feel like I could do it if she would just meet me halfway. Like, dangle a limb over the arm of the chair. Come on, Nana, help ME help...me.
The ss joke...I wonder if I could have pulled it off. I get all sweaty and shaky when there's a joke in progress, too much excitement. I'm like the Kristin Wiig character on SNL, have you seen her? Ms. Can't Contain Herself?
Gwen: Wrong with me? Pssh. I'm so wrong I'm right. Seriously. Think about it. Case closed. (Nana is a fragile ecosystem and should not be kissed lest she succumb to non-native germs, but I'll blow her one for you.)
The Jules: Only the best for Nana. None of that pesky stuff like "pollutants" or "other people's breath" for her, nosiree.
Just can't stay away on the bonus chocolate thing...pretty much peed my pants so you owe me.
WTF, lady. My Papaw has a Nigerian nurse who yells at him to "OPEN YOUR EYES, PAPA, AND SEE WHO CAME TO SEE YOU, OPEN YOUR EYES!" too. She doesn't dance with my dogs though.
seriously crying and laughing!!! But what about the loud, "eeeehhhhh" moans? Is it wrong that i feel happy?
Poo-see! I love it.
And what is it about the elderly that screams at them that they have to wear every single piece of jewelry they have ever owned in their 100 years? My gil wears like 5 rings on EACH finger. It's friggin ridiculous. Come on! Show offs.
Please video the 'Single Ladies' dance. I'll pay money.
That original Nana post was my favorite ever! I've dug back through your blog several times to get the direct link to send it to people. So glad some of your newer minions will read it now, too ;-).
Oh for fuck's sake it's only been 11 hours and you've already got 42 comments. Good news for you-- longevity is hereditary so look at all the indignity you have to look forward to!
"Let us put a ring on it!"
I <3 Juanita.
Your Nana has a downright conspiratorial look on her face ...
poo-see.
The Nigerian nurse reminds me of the one in Seinfeld that George wanted to rub with his bald, oiled head. Either all Nigerian nurses are the same, or I watch too much TV.
Also, your Nana is a showoff. Mine died at 92, and the last words out of her mouth were about how she can't outlive Nana. You can tell she knows it too, by that smug look on her face.
What would Jesus say? More like what would CHUCK NORRIS say!
I'm a little obsessed.
I think Nana's nurse keeps sending me emails telling me I have money in a bank over there and they want me to have it.
Can you send her my bank info next time you see her?
Thanks in advance.
What a dick! You forgot to mention the part where she was totally ignoring the nice nigerian lady. That's exactly why the world's perception of us has gone in the shitter. Oh, and I'll carry you around if you want. Then we can play chicken with Nana. I've been wanting to get a piece of her for awhile now. "Personal Air." Bitch.
I think the Nigerian nurse should be a motivational speaker. She can start by standing over me in the morning to get me out of bed. And weird, I just wrote WWJD and I never have ever said that in my life. Well, I actually wrote WWFJGD (Fairfax Jesus Guy), but same diff. Is Nana conjuring Jesus in us?
The dialogue between your Nana's careworker and Juanita almost made me cry, dude. At work. This is so inappropriate. (Also, this is two of your posts in a row that have turned on the waterworks -- I hope I'm just mega-premenstrual, or else I am officially That Girl I Hate.)
Made me recall my years looking after mother. Is that bad?
awww, juanita has a fan club. i think the juanita picture is the best part.
Tell Juanita I will see the Miley Cyrus movie with her if she signs a contract saying she'll never tell anyone I went. Deal?
Love the Nana wink. Love Nigerien Nurse singing about the single ladies and wanting to take Juanita to see Miley Cyrus!!
This is a sham and an outrage.
I demand that blog administrators commence investigation regarding the circumstances of investing the judiciary power in this here contest in the hands of Nana, who is obviously incapable of making proper aesthetic and substantial judgment in order to grant the award to me.
Alternatively I demand a prize regardless of the competition outcomes, or else I will execute Time, one minute at a time, every minute.
Poor Nana. What the hell is a zerbert. And the Nana post. Funny and sad. How dare you mix those too.
Ahh oldie moldies are the awesomest. They just don't give a crap anymore. You know when she winked she was probably just passing gas. Cause that's how Nana rolls.
i'm not sure if endearing is the word i should be looking for to describe this post. but it is.
oily and suggestive...
wwhhoo!!!! makes me shudder too!!!!
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