1) Shhht! SHHHT!
2) Stop licking!
3) You better shut it! YOU BETTER SHUT IT!
4) Hey! Bzzt! Ffft!! KAW!! *slams arm down on armrest*
That last one is for the deaf dog who can only hear sharp noises. Or maybe he can hear all noises and is making a fucking ass out of me. Note to self: Investigate claims of deafness.
I just can not tolerate the sound of licking. Some of you remember this about me, as I've referred to the mnyuh mnyuh sound as "the frenching of a tub of cream cheese".
Right now I'm looking through the door to the other room and I can see just a small part of Farley's back. It's rocking back and forth rhythmically, masturbatorily even, and I have deduced that he is licking his penis. I can't hear the sound, but it's making me so angry because I know the sound exists, just feet away, just barely out of my range of hearing.
If a dog licks his cock in the forest in the dining room, and nobody's there to hear it, does it even make a sound?
Answer: Yes, it makes the worst fucking sound in the world and it must be stopped. BZZT! KAW!! KAW!! *clapclapclap* STOP LICKING!
Also, I'm in a bad mood. I was up at 4am with Dolphinhead Seizuredog so I decided to take a late morning power nap because I was so tired and I ended up having that dream again where my mom is naked and wagging her giant cock at me in a taunting way, and I know this dream has something to do with how the gender roles were reversed in my family growing up, but rationalizing it doesn't make it any less disturbing. At least the dream didn't get to the part where she shoots Spidey web from her giant floppy donkey dick and traps me in a tangled web of glistening jizz-rope. I hate that part. The more you struggle, the more tangled you get in the jizz-rope. Aint that the truth, though? Metaphorically, somehow? Well, whatever, if Confucious had said it, you guys would all be shitting your pants with its brilliance, you know you would.
Can one qualify for a handicapped sticker on one's car because of one's ridiculously obtrusive inner thighs? Would insurance pay for one's motorized zoom-zoom seat for old people if that person's inner thighs made it more difficult for her to walk? Or if that person was occasionally made grumpy because of her inner thighs?
I've duct-taped them before, which kind of worked, until too many awesome karate kicks on the dance floor caused the tape on one inner thigh to peel off and fall out my pant leg and flap along on top of my high heel until I noticed it and kicked it off. Then the real decision-making began...do I carry on with just the one thin thigh? Or does the asymmetry of my svelteness negate any aesthetic benefit to the tape?
I ended up peeling off the tape, not because of the asymmetric thinness, but because of me beginning to wonder, when you hold your fat in on one spot on your body...where does the fat go? The answer is not that it goes into your bones, which is what I really wanted to believe. So in search for the answer to this question, I checked myself out in a full-length mirror and found my answer: The fat goes behind you.
Now, normally my philosophy about everything concerning the back of me is "If I can't see it, it's not my problem." Me from the back is like the hall closet where you put all the mess in your house that you don't ever have time to think about. This is why I don't do any ass exercises or check how jeans look from the back before I buy them. Not my problem.
This is also why people are always coming up to me when I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor and whispering, "Hey Becky, crack kills" in my ear. Thanks for the subtle and discreet heads-up, friends, but you know what? Not my problem. If you don't like my ass-crack, look away.
But anyhow, when you duct tape your inner thighs, your inner thighs move to the back. And normally this would not be my problem to deal with, but I felt sorry for my poor, bound, left inner thigh having to be relocated from its home, while just over the hill its twin got to flounce around all free-range in its natural habitat. This is how evil twins happen. Bitter jealousy and resentment. So I freed it.
Now you are probably thinking, "Becky, why don't you just repost during the month of December? Clearly, you're stressed, and when you're stressed, focus and linear thought become even more of an issue." And I would like to respond with gratitude that you care so much about my well-being, but I would also like to inform you that my "Not my problem" philosophy is not limited to the physical world, but also the temporal.
In other words, this post is not my problem. It's the "visible ass-crack" of posts. You sort it out.
49 comments:
Your bad mood is wildly entertaining. I suggest you use the jizz rope to harness those pesky inner thighs. Do it on the outside though. It will make for an awesome conversation starter and segue nicely into your mom and her giant cock.
I think I love you. But not in that creepy internet stalker way... More of the admiring this is my kinda people want some skittles kinda way... Who knew duct tape could cause migrating thighs...
I think using the words "jizz-rope" qualify you for a Handicapped sticker.
AND when I read the top 3., I thought you were talking about your class. Why? Because that KIND of sounds like my class...
Biggest pet peeve? Eating/saliva noises. Especially when people seem totally unaware that they sound rude and disgusting. It's the reason I have yet to watch Julie & Julia (and probably won't) -- I was warned there's a lot of clicky saliva sounds. Ick.
Ohhhh darling. Do I even need to explain how much I'm in the overtired, overfrustrated with dogs position in life right now?
Let's hug it out.
Frenching a tub of cream cheese? You are a star.
I was drawn in by the title, and now I know that it works. It works!!!! *leap of hope and joy!*
I have this one dream where my mom (fully clothed and with no penis) is boxing in my ears so bad I'm screaming and my head is ringing. Do you have an analysis for that one?
Thighs. You just had to bring up the 'th' word. Didn't you?
P.S. I love that you love Olivia the most this 'week' or 'month'...however you deem long enough. But I can't send her to you, she's in charge of wiping down the dining room table after dinner. She does, however, adore dogs and thinks I'm the anti-christ for barring her from them.
don't lie to me again.
...you never lost it.
now go fix me a sandwich.
First, I thought you were following me, but I guess I was just being paranoid.
Second, I wish I could lick my own junk. Dogs are soooo lucky.
Third, a wise proverb says some shit about putting your behind in the past, or something. Fuck, that might have been Lion King, I forget.
Fourth, I've always been attracted to ladies with asymmetrical thigh fat.
Fifth, I commented before either Kurt or Moooooog, so I win.
Sixth, this is like the longest comment in the history of comments so Genus better recognize this shit.
Seventh, ............etc,etc,etc
Eighth, I was trying to make it a top ten like list, but I'm out of stupid shit to say, so let my just sign off with this....*ahem*...."Your Mom!"
I love that rage makes you eloquent. I become a spluttering red-faced fool, especially when dogs are being disobedient and continuing to lick themselves OCD-style in the same spot, no matter how many times I toe-nudge them in the hind-quarters or hiss threats at them.
That mnyuh mnyuh sound haunts my dreams since you first brought it up. I can't even eat cream cheese anymore. And now all I can think about is a jizz-rope.
*shudder*
Also? I said "cream".
I'm having a problem with this post!
Have you really duct taped your legs before? Because not long ago, my sister and I were getting ready for a cocktail party and she was wearing a corset, but it gave her mad bra fat and she didn't have time to renegotiate her underwear situation, so she got out a roll of packing tape and made me wrap it around her like fifty times to get rid of the rolls. Which I did, but only after grim misgivings, and while delivering a quite firm lecture on body confidence.
When I helped her peel it off afterwards, she looked like a burn victim. God the horror.
I'm guessing -- just guessing -- that your inner thighs are perfectly fine. If not, maybe the dog can just lick the excess fat off? (mnyuh mnyuh)
This is so rambling but so hilarious. I've never known anyone with a licking phobia and an inner thigh obsession.
I'd run out of sounds that would scare the cats into obeying but I never considered KAW!! KAW! I'll let you know how it goes.
I have a high ass crack. This makes buying pants a pain. Plus, I have to constantly pull my shirts down in the back to hide my shame.
No more.
You've liberated me, Becky.
Now, whenever someone says something about my ass crack showing *looking menacingly at the wife* I'll just point her in the "Not my problem" direction.
That goddamn dog-licking sound is the WORST. I'll wake up in the middle of the night to hear that goddamn slurp slurp SLURP noise and literally throw my slipper at the goddamn beast pleasuring his boy-bits while I'm trying to get my beauty rest. I always miss (who can throw accurately in the dark, lying in bed?), but it's the thought that counts, right?
Goddamn it, dog. Do that in private. You're father does.
Scratchy: KaKAW!! KaKAW!! NO LICK!!
WTWA: I should use jizz-rope on all my problem areas. I betcha nobody would even notice my inner thighs if they were bound in jizz. Thanks!
Rabbit: Thank you! And I have a wealth of knowledge about duct tape as it pertains to body parts. Like here's one: Duct tape will keep your nipples from becoming erect under a silk dress, but it's not worth it for the tape glue that remains will pick up every color fabric you wear for the next week. Since you are a boy, the same probably applies to restraint of public boners. you're welcome.
Jules: Jizz-rope wins me all the awards, I think.
Miss R: There should be relocation camps for people who mnyuh mnyuh their food.
Ben: Yes, hugs for sure. Then let's dress them up and laugh at them. That sometimes makes everything better.
Kate: Which part? The lick prevention techniques or the thigh fat tape? Or the Not my problem method. Wow, this post was like a self-help book.
Karls: The seque was silent, like the g in phlegm, or the second c in cock.
Erin: A dream-mom with no cock? There is such a thing? And Olivia is my FOREVER favorite. not just this week or month. If you hadn't noticed, I hadn't picked a favorite before now. I didn't just hop on the Max bandwagon like everyone else. I'm 100% committed to Olivia. I've already started shopping for promise rings.
j-face: I totally lost it. I'm a hack. And I'll make you a sandwich. How do you take your knuckle, Mr. Man.
Ed: It's a good thing you cleared your throat, because it would be a shame to garble your mom. Now let's pretend "garble" also means "to defile with excrement" and we're all set.
BlackLOG: No, but I was abused by a cock wielding nun named Mother Secretia. OH, WOW! I see the connection now.
Soda: I think I've got them trained pretty well because when I tell them to zip it, I also kick the chair/dog bed where they're laying, so they pretty much think the world shakes every time I'm annoyed. I plan to use the same technique when I have kids, but it may require hydraulics under their beds once they get into their teens.
Miss Y: Um, to be clear, *I* said "cream", you just repeated me. And then you said "eat cream" which sounds kind of hot and lesbo until you add the cheese on the end of it. Nothing sexy ever happens with cheese.
Eva: You and me both, sister. You and me both.
TKOG: I'm gonna be thinking of my dog licking my upper inner thigh all night now. Great, thanks a lot. Now I have to go find my vibrator.
Peachy: Well today's your lucky day. I want to cut them off with scissors. I think I'd look super hot if I could get past the pinchy stage at the start of the cut.
Gwen: Cats hate crows. It's a fact. Try it. Flap your arms too, they hate that. Record the whole thing and then post it on your blog, they REALLY hate that.
mjenks: Yes, exactly. Anything that is not visible to you but is visible to others is their responsibility, not yours. You should start nagging your wife about your ass crack. She really should keep up appearances better.
Jen: I'm not kidding when I say that the only reason I wear socks to bed is so I have something to throw across the room. and if I miss, I have a plan B on the other foot. for a while, when the dog had a penis infection, I had a stash of socks by my head. Like ammo, all ready to go. My socks of fury will not be ignored.
I hate that noise of licking as well. ALso slurping and people chewing with their mouths open. Makes me want to punch them in the face a little bit.
I wish I had thought of the taping-inner-thighs thing. I, too, have obtrusive inner thighs and I would not have noticed the fat moving round to the back... I would have been happy for at least one day until some idiot posted photographs on Facebook.
Hope you cheer up soon x
Jizz rope.
You know, Kirsten Dunst could have done a lot with this info BEFORE she got involved with Tobey Maguire and maybe just stuck with the guy who played the New Goblin.
The more you know.
That noise...UGH! There are very few sounds that make me want to vomit, but that's top three. Along with the actual sound of vomiting and church hymns.
I wish I could go back to school like Adam Sandler in that movie 'Billy Madison' and have you as my teacher. Except I wouldn't sexually harass you and show up drunk on your doorstep accusing you of having an affair with a penguin.
Well, maybe that last one.
I hate the sound of a dog licking itself and I hate a dog licking me or anyone else. It's enough to make me go psycho. I think this is a completely normal response.
Thank god my son doesn't lick himself.
Ok, this will now be the 3rd time I thought I've left a comment here. The first one was about Fran Drescher frenching a tub of cream cheese. The second was complaining that no one saw my joke about Fran Drescher frenching a tub of cream cheese. Now I'm just frustrated and I want a damn bagel.
Your subconscious is even more hateful than mine! You deserve a trophy for this, but sadly I still don't know how to do that... So *HERE* It's the thought that counts;D
Also- I moved out of my Mom's house (after leaving my ex husband and returning to the states) within a couple of weeks, solely because her terrier used to park six feet from my bed and lick his balls all night. I'm not proud of the hysterics, but... That SOUND!!!
This blog inspired me to write a blog. Which is like a Russian Doll effect of blogging — except there's only two dolls/blogs instead of a whole bunch.
Hope you don't mind I referenced your ass crack and linked your blog.
I was going to leave a comment about how I always yelled at my dog for licking because it's fucking gross, but then I read the very first comment up there and was like, whoa. That's way grosser.
Then I started to cry. I hope there's no jizz rope involved tonight.
I was here. I read the post and all of the comments. I killed probably 47% more brain cells last night than I planned on killing so I'm pretty somber right now. But I love you nonetheless.
Genius. And dog licking is the sound that will be on repeat in hell. When my dog Snoots N Toots licks I hate it so much I either want to cut off my ears or chop off her tongue. It's sounds drastic to those who don't have to endure the endless slurping, but I know you feel me.
The most important thing to remember about thighs is that they are close neighbors to your junk and therefore will be willing to tell you all the latest junk-related gossip if you are nice to them. Thighs are catty bitches is my point. I'm glad you taped them.
Dog-licking is the worst. Sound. EVER. I was just bitching at my dog last night about that very thing. He came in while I was putting my boys to bed and licked himself in the middle of the room - and though the kids were almost asleep and I could have been like OUT of there, I risked waking them to shoo him out of the room. Because I just couldn't stand it.
Ugh.
Man, I guess I should stop duct taping my boobs then, else I'll look like I'm walking backwards. I like your philosophy though, because you are correct - if you can't see it, it doesn't exist. It's like food, you can eat as much candy as you want but if you wash it down with a diet soda it doesn't count. It's the law of cancellation.
Also it's like people who complain about being offended by TV shows - if you're offended, don't watch it. If you don't want to see Becky-ass-crack, don't sit behind Becky. Am I the only person seeing the logic in this?
I think I like your non-linear-thinking, ass-crack-posts.
There's this one kind of pantyhose that is basically like tape for your thighs and butt. I would recommend that you purchase some to save your thighs the trauma of being duct-taped, but then I thought,"Where would the fat go???" And the answer can only be "upward," so you'd pretty much end up with central adiposity which is bad for your health, plus I bet you'd look like Mrs. Pacman.
Okay, maybe empathy would help. My cup size is AAAA only because they don't have negative sizes or cup sizes for prepubescent boys. If I were to describe my breasts as a fruit (which is apparently something people do) I would say they were kumquats at best. But when I gain weight, do my boobies get any of it? No! It all goes to my butt. If I ever got fat, I would end up looking like a queen ant, but without the convex thoracic region. Or like one of those bush-people with the big butts that you can set a wine glass on top of, just like a table. You should really Google that because I have no idea if it is true or not but I think I heard something about it once.
Oh, and did you know that some company is in the Beta stage of making a love doll for dogs? It's true. Maybe. And it would solve the licking problem unless he's licking his peener because it's infected with a dog STD.
I'm not helping, am I...
I wish I had dreams with your mother's big cock. All I get is some old people eating soup. And I wait for something to happen 'cause I know I'm not a dull person, this can't be it. And I say hey guys, isn't something going to happen? And they go, no, just us eating soup bro. And I'll like kick one in the leg to get some action and he'll just ignore it. And that's it really. They eat the soup, I watch. I've had this dream like 4 times already. It makes me wanna strangle myself to death, but not in that sexy way.
Wait, where were you at that wedding? Because I think I may have tripped over your inner thigh.
ugh. Just reading about your dog licking itself made me hear that noise. And I CANNOT HANDLE that noise. It will literally drive me out of a room. So disgusting!
Yeah it might be the ass crack of posts but it was wearing a thong so it cancels out.
I have just stolen your written description of what licking sounds like.
Mwah ha ha ha haaaaaa!
Pearl
I totally get the whole licking thing. It's so gross. Unfortunately for my my dog has a severe licking habit. Like he needs to lick EVERYTHING. His cock, his empty ball sack, his feet, the couch, my hands, my feet, my face, EVERYTHING. Which is nasty b/c then I have cockemptyballsackfeet slobber on my face.
You never fail to give me a few good laughs, turn my stomach, and sport a painful erection... SIMULTANEOUSLY.
You know that sound where you put the knife into a jar of mayo and then you start to hear the squish plish plish? That bugs the crap out of me. Along with the sound of dogs licking their junk. It just reminds me of people who try way too hard at giving good bee jays
blueskies: As long as you keep your back to the wall at all public functions, your facebook photos will turn out fabulous.
Moooooog: I didn't see it...did she die by jizz rope? Well, if you gotta go...
mepsi: My only issue is my mom's giant donkey dick raping me in my mind when I sleep. Other than that, I'm totally stable.
owo: Aw, I'm glad in that analogy I'm the pretty teacher and not the one who eats paste.
Mandy: My dog likes to try to lick my knee when Im eating. Food plus dog licks equals rage.
mayo: Fran would look up from her mnyuh mnyuhing and say something about schmear. that makes it double bad.
Mona: A thought trophy from Mona! *champion arms*
Mandy: YAY! thank you. It is like a Russian doll, except both dolls have ass crack big time.
Kristine: With all this jizz rope talk, there will surely be jizz rope tonight. Oh yes. There Will Be Jizz Rope.
Back in a sec. Does anyone read comments back anyhow?
I have found that lemon juice works well when in a jizz rope crisis. I always keep some handy in my purse.
To be honest I thought about it... using the paste lady. But I have this crazy idea that you'd be smart enough not to put paste on your eyes/face. You'd put it somewhere much more interesting, I'm sure.
Steamy, you cannot do this to me! I cannot continue to read this blog unless you take that picture of the pierced moobs off your sidebar. Seriously, it makes me want to vomit and gouge my eyeballs out with the closest eye-gouging utensil, which in this case happens to be...uh... a santa snowglobe! How the fuck am I supposed to gouge my eyeballs out with a snowglobe? Ugh, it's gonna be a long day.
I know you can't see it, but it's a real beaut, I promise!!!!
I'M A LICK NAZI TOO!
It also applies to human mouth noises. I told my house guest yesterday that I was dying because she was chewing too loudly.
Is that rude?
1. Your dog is totally not deaf.
2. Between your aversion to licking sounds and your inner thigh shame, your situation must be getting ready to sue you for emancipation.
so glad i didn't skip over this post when catching up on my reader. you always make me feel so much normal. thanks becky!
Okay, I know this is forever later, but you said you would be back in a sec back in December, and I'm still waiting. Actually, I just discovered your blog a week ago, and I'm very laboriously working my way through from oldest to newest (while taking breaks to yell at my dogs for licking themselves and to tend to my child periodically). Real life keeps getting in the way, so I can't devour the whole thing like I want to, but I guess it's good that it's forcing me to pace myself. Otherwise, too much laughing all at once might cause the world's first blog-related injury. As a rule, I NEVER laugh out loud, but these embarrassing little guffaws keep escaping while I read your posts. My husband shoots me dirty looks because apparently responsible parents don't read blogs all the time, so I hold in my laughter a lot and now my abs hurt. So, short answer: yes. People DO read your comments back.
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