Now I can't stop thinking about Liza Minelli's ass-fur knickers.
June 30--At the party, Kevin was lighting matches and I kept blowing them out so he stole my shoes and grabbed my leg and I couldn't get away. Kim said Andy thought I was flirting with Kevin. I feel bad. I asked Andy if he thought I was flirting and he said no. Then I sat on the couch between Andy and Kevin, and while Andy had his hand down my bathing suit top and was squeezing my boob, Kevin was holding my hand on the other side. It was really confusing. I'm not sure if we were holding hands as just friends or not.
when he faithfully sighs. (This line didn't make the cut. I have high standards.)
Alright, back to the diary...
Continued from Part One, in which Becky's love for "lame geek" Brad fades, only to be replaced by her love for Andy, who "doesn't ever get white gunk in the corners of his mouth".
As Part Two of our saga begins, the outlook is grim for Andy, as our heroine develops reservations about their budding relationship after meeting newcomer Kevin, who she suspects she "might love just as much or even more than the other two" and who also has "floppy Keanu Reeves hair".
Once again, my commentary in red.
Here we go:
July 3--Andy left for camp today. I'm sad but Kevin is so fucking cute! If I weren't going out with Andy, these are the guys I'd like:
1) Kevin
2) ?
Aug 10--Kim invited me and Kevin and Josh over to her house on the 10th, and Kim got fingered. Kevin is sooo prude shy. Not that I'd want to get fingered. I love him so much, even though I wasn't sure at the beginning of the relationship, and I don't mind if he's prude shy. He wrote me a poem and left it on my machine and I copied it onto a blank tape but I THINK I JUST TAPED CROWDED HOUSE OVER IT!! FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK!!!
Sept 25--Saturday I turned 14 and three-fourths, and I got what I wanted. I kissed Kevin. We kissed for about ten minutes. His top braces were annoying the right side of my lip. He was a good kisser at first but then he kept his mouth open and didn't move his lips for a very long time. Beth got fingered tonight in the other room! Jesus. Did I have any friends WITHOUT fingers in their vaginas?
Oh great, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" is playing on MTV now, and my stomach is twisted up thinking of Kevin.
Ode to Kevin.
I know a guy
whose dark hair and green eyes
make me shiver inside
Every time he leaves
I dream he's here
and hold my pillow
and shed lose a tear. (Good call. "Shed" is such a cliche.)
After all that's happened
the bad ends here. (No more bad. Finally. Phew! I hate bad.)
together at last, I've no more fears.
I'd stop the world to keep him close,
but as the one before, he comes and goes. (Pronounced "ghos" so it rhymes.)
I can't think of life without
because my thoughts belong to him,
and if he leaves he'll take my thoughts,
then he'll turn to Kim. (SO lucky to have a bff with a good rhymey name. This was beyond helpful all through my high school poetry career. Also, he totally turned to Kim. So, foreshadowing! Nailed it!!)
Maybe he will never leave
Maybe it will be me
the future will soon pass
and what will pass will be. (Wise words coming from a girl who, ten pages later, wanted to "Go back in time and give Kevin's mom an abortion.")
I'd grab the moon
and hand it to you,
I'd hold the stars
and give them too. (Good. Verb variety. That fixes everything.)
you will be a memory, or stay more than just a thought,
whatever becomes of us,
I'll love you.
(That's it? I'll love you?? What happened to the whole AABB-ABCBDB-BCC-ABAB-AABA rhyme scheme I had going there? High school Becky clearly had some kind of attention disor...whoa, that's weird. The cartilage at the end of my nose has a split down the middle. Is that just me?)
37 comments:
No. I just checked. Mine splits too.
That's so weird.
oh sure. holding hands just as friends, steamy? what-ever. you were totally flirting with kevin. just admit it.
Oh. My. God. You and miss. with your journals are tempting me like that fucking hershey bar(for context look in the comments of miss yvonne's post today).
I am so close to going and getting my shit out and posting it.
But it's so freaking horribly embarrassing. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. I just don't know.
Boob squeezing AND hand holding AND friends getting fingered?! Oh my...
I desperately want to read about you wanting to go back in time, and give Kyle's mom an abortion.
i am IN AWE. these are amazing.
i have verrrry few diary entries from middle school and high school, sadly. i didn't have a long enough attention span to write more than like once a year.
Was Andy holding the GOOD boob, or the FUCKED up one?
The answer to that may explain why YOU weren't getting fingered.
P.S. Sorry to hear that Siezure dog is still not doing good. Hopefully she won't suffer much longer.
P.S.S. That totally just sounded like I said I wished your dog would hurry up and die. My Bad.
P.P.S.S. Let me know if you want to borrow my really big rock.
you were so worldly at 14! I would have thought fingering meant he picked my nose, back then! lol
Jen O: Thank GOD. I started to wonder if cleaved nose cartilage was a sign of the two sides of your head going in opposite directions, like continental drift. I would not like that, probably.
Chiefy: WAS NOT! People hold hands with other people in dark poolhouses surrounded by friends watching a movie while their boyfriend feels their boob on the other side ALL THE TIME.
Erin: I know. It's embarrassing, but do you know any of us in real life? Just DO IT. We'll laugh WITH you. And also at you, but that's ok because laughter is laughter.
Tony: Toto, we're not in middle school anymore!! (See what I did there? I continued your Wizard of Oz nod, AND I called you Toto which is almost Tony. *champion arms!!*)
Alice: Probably because you left the house once in a while. I was not very busy. I had a couple friends, a boyfriend here and there, and a semi-serious Mario Brothers habit, but that's it.
Ed: The GOOD one!! I remember which one!! Oh, my good boob has gotten me into so many pickles over the years...
Miss Y: Total slut. I hate her. I'm going to call her now and ask her if it felt good or not.
Eva: I had to figure it out myself, just re-reading it! I would have thought it meant pointing out a criminal in a line-up.
Now I have got to find my old diaries! Everyday I loved someone different. First it was Mark, then Aaron, then Josh, then Jeremy, then Mark again, then Brad, then... The list goes on and on. I was a whore. But I wasn't letting them finger me. I saved that for Adam later on. Haha! Too funny!
I hope your dolphinhead seizuredog is doing better.
Hmm, dark hair and green eyes is like...lethal. Especially at 14 and 3/4 or maybe sometimes at 25 and 1/4 and that might explain some things. Fuck you Peter! I mean...Kevin! What? That's what I said. Kevin.
Boy, kids in your town moved fast. I was still climbing trees at 13 and admiring boys from afar at 14. The only fingering I ever dealt with was doing scales during piano lessons.
I hope Dolphinhead Seizuredog is doing ok and full of the love.
Your poetry is inspiring. And Kevin's a tool. I totally would have fingered you. Because I'm a gentleman.
I'm with Erin. It's compelling. I want to contribute and join you in this embarrassing journey... but I just don't know if I can.
That happened to me once too. The whole boob action on one side, hand action on the other. Don't feel bad. 'Course...I was a lot older then. Ok.
Teenagers are fingering whores. It's a requirement.
AND I want to hear about this going back in time abortion thing too. That sounds like a young glimpse of the current Steamy we know and love.
There's no such thing as "holding hands as a friend", Steamy. It's just a foothold to get to the knee.
I'm left breathless and without words. Your high school poetry is so inspiring and I found myself hoping that Kevin would finger you soon, so you didn't feel left out.
Can't wait for Parts 3 - 69.
I laughed so hard at this I seriously almost peed a lil, not a lot ya know, like when you have to pee and you sneeze and you are like right on the VERGE of pee'ing but then you don't. Yea that's how I felt and then I read Ed's comment and AGAIN almost pee'd. I either have to stop reading your blog or invest in depends, cause ya know, pee'ing on yourself, not cool, not cool at all...
Coming out of self-imposed blog break to say that you are my hero for posting this and I heart you.So so much.
Kellie: It's good you saved your finger virginity for that special someone. I only wish I had been so mature.
JAG: He was dreamy, for sure. Now he's a fat, stupid, compulsive gambler. WIN!
Veg Ass: Oh, i was climbing trees too! Because nobody can see you giving a hand job up there, with all the leaves.
mayo: Kevin WAS a tool. Who might have fingered me at some point. With his penis. Whoopsie.
OWO: Believe it or not, I AM censoring here. there's some scary anger stuff, like not even funny scary. Sad scary. Like 30 pages of the word "Fucker", then the rest of the diary is a food journal where I call myself a pig if I go over my 300 calorie/day limit. High school was hard.
WWW: What about holding hands where one of the hands is a penis? Can that be just friends?
lovenote: Maybe only 1 or 2 more to come, thank goodness. If you're wondering whether Kevin fingers me, don't scroll up, SPOILER ALERT up there.
SAK: What happened to your blog?? No more? I love when I make people incontinent. Every drop is like thunderous applause.
Soda: *deep dramatic bow* *parade float wave* Thanks, Sody!
I hereby declare this blog KICK ASS.
*lowers head*
I just wish you'd stop by MY kickass blog once in a while.
*runs aways. trips. stands up and looks around to see if anyone saw him trip. then runs away again*
Mine seems to come to a sharp point.
Do you think the reason Kevin stopped moving his lips after awhile is because they were caught in his braces?
Your love poetry touches me. Not in a Beth/Kim kind of way.
Poor dog.
this post, plus the rogue LOL post, plus the hitler pics post MUST go down in the annals of blog history as the bestest EVAR. i totally (non RL) LOL-ed into my chai latte.
also, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so im digging up my old journals.
I fucking love these posts. I have like .000003 seconds to say anything anywhere right now, but seriously? You are hysterical. I couldn't not say something.
Hugs to the old pup.
My Dad used to say "Sometimes you get the bear and sometimes the bear gets you." and in this case one bear had your boob but the other bear had your HEART and also maybe a bear would finger you and that's dangerous because HELLO! Claws!!
Little known secret.
I AM KEVIN.
Yup. Post-surgery.
You win!
I too seemed to end up with the prudes who didn't know how to finger a girl.
In other news, I can't stop thinking about the white crap in the corners of Brad's mouth. I can't believe you ever went out with such a GEEK.
That would be so like mean of him
to take your thoughts to Kim.
I hope you found a boy to fill spot 2.
You've just washed away years of therapy by making me visualize 14 year old girls getting fingered.
I hope you're happy.
Oh. Look.
Chris Hansen is here.
So you totally had a threesome at 14 and 3/4.
Zibbs: I'll start printing my certificate this morning!
Ben: I practically invented Twitter.
Vic: I think maybe he was mildly catatonic? Or else his jaw locked up, which was totally possible considering how long he had to keep his mouth open as far as it would go.
LR: Aw, you remember my old posts! I would love if everybody dug up their old journals, that way I wouldn't feel so shameful about what a dick I was in HS.
Inky: That is really sweet of you to say. I'll give the old pup (Franny IRL) a hug from you.
Kurt: My dad used to say "More cushion for the pushin", and then feed me English Muffins and then push me down and laugh and point. Also, I'm crossing my legs now to ward off bear claw ipisiotemy.
Lilu: Oh Kevin!! I've missed you so much!! So much pain, baby! Come back to me! *sob* *wail*
PSYCHE! Talk to the hand, Kevin, cause my mouth aint listening...I mean my ears can't see you...I mean...shit. Man, I blew it. All that practice for nothing.
Sada: It was like marshmallow fluff. You could NOT get that shit out!
Jules: Spot 2? Is that like, the hole you go #2 out of?
Mooooog: Is Chris Hanson the drummer? Or the cute one? Can you get me Taylor's autograph? (JK, your comment made me pee. I happened to be on the toilet peeing anyway when I read it, but who's to say about cause and effect)
Carolyn: Bowling ball. Jesus. I spent like half an hour yesterday looking at my fingers and saying "What is something you put your fingers into?" so I could make a clever analogy and there you go, without even trying.
Mandy: I was thinking that too. I practically invented the threesome. Do the math, for real. Had YOU ever heard of a threesome before 1989? Me neither. Case closed.
Poetry and retroactive abortions? BADASS!!!! I'm so pleased I just found it and now get to play catch up. Sadly, I am not a member of Blogger, I blog in the land of wordpress. Come visit sometime.
http://www.sowhatyourefamous.com/
You are truly a poetry inspiration. As long as you have slutty friends named Kim anyway.
What do you know? Liza Minelli's ass-fur knickers are tattooed on my imagination, too. Awesome.
Bad poetry is the reason why I hang out with so many guys named Joe.
Ho.Ly.Shit.
I really need to dig out my old journals from high school. I think it would be really difficult for me to read them without cringing. My toes curl just thinking about the total hot-gay-cafe-ness of the contents. You're warming me up though, quite nicely.
Mine would be totally less fun though, as my friends and I were prudes (I mean, we were shy) and I cannot believe y'all were getting fingerbanged at age 14. WOW.
You little hoochie! I can't believe you got your boob felt while you held someone else's hand. You officially just set the record for youngest person I know to have a "threesome."
Fist bump.
I wiggle my split nose. Its like a habit I just cant break. I even squish my kids noses to touch their...nose. I guess.
Way to be slutty early, I dig that in a girl.
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