Look Nana,I'm worried about you. I can tell you're feeling blue. What's the matter? Is it turning 102 that's got you down in the dumps? I think that must be it. You think I'm not paying attention, but I am. I can hear you from the living room, contemplating the meaning of it all, asking yourself all the big questions in life, like "Who am I?", "Where am I?", "Who are you people?" and "Why won't you let me die?" Those are all important questions for someone your age. Such an inquisitive spirit!
This is a magical time in your life, Nana. Every girl dreams of her 102nd birthday in much the same way she dreams of her wedding day. Life is good! Every day is an adventure, and you never know who you're going to meet.
What? That's not why you're feeling down? What is it then?
I think I know why. It must be that MyHeritage.com Celebrity Look-Alike game thing, huh? Yeah, I thought so. You've seemed a little down in the dumps since you uploaded your face and received the list of celebrities you most resemble. Well, it can't be that bad. Who'd you get, Nana? I could see maybe...hmmm...Shirley McLaine? Orrrr....Dame Judy Dench? No? Who, then?
You're not gonna tell me? Aw, Nana. Let me see. Come on. Let me see. I won't laugh. I won't tell anyone. Promise.
Promise. I won't laugh. Promise. I would never. Look at my face, Nana. I would NEVER be so insensitive as to laugh at something that is obviously affecting your self-esteem so deeply.
Good. Ok, let's see what we've got here....
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Oh, NANA!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, I'm sorry, Nana! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! No, no I'm not laughing at you. I was just thinking about something else...something comedic in my memory from long ago that I just remembered...HAHAHA!!! Oh, that Gallagher, smashing those watermelons everywhere what a mess HAHA! Not laughing at you at all Nana!
Aheehee. *deep breaths*
Yes. Settling down now. Okay. Well. Ahem. Ok then, what do we have here, Nana. I see. William S. Burr...Hey you know what, let's skip that one. And Leslie Neilson of Naked Gun and Airplane fame. Mmm hmm, interesting. And Mick Fleetwood, yes okay, I can see that, he's got your beard soulful eyes. And HEY! Look at that! David Duchovny! Reow! Sexy Nana, am I right? Up top, Nana? No?....No?....
Okay, Nana. It's pretty bad, I can't lie, but it's just a game. I know, I know, My Little Becky's matches were pretty accurate, I agree. She got Katherine Heigl, Brooke Shields, Nicole Kidman, a couple international supermodels, blah blah blah. She's young, you know? She's a pretty girl! Her jowls haven't even grown in yet for God's sake! My Little Becky only WISHES she got someone as cool as retired magician and debunker of paranormal claims, James Randi, or Hungarian composer of Hitler's favorite operettas, Franz Lehar!
You know what you need, Nana? A makeover. A makeover would boost your self-esteem, make you feel like the vixen you are. Maybe a little powder on your nose...
Maybe a little blush here and here...
Maybe some more hair on your head...
A little more lip...
A little less neck...
A couple eyebrows....
And VOILA! *gasp!* Nana, you take my breath away. Just gorgeous.
What a delicate beauty.Alright, let's see what MyHeritage.com has to say about this foxeh laydeh, you ready?
*uploads*
Aw, look, you're smiling. You feel better now, Nana? Good.
Does this make up for when I called you a dick? No? Fair enough.
UPDATED:
Dear MyHeritage.com,
I can't quit you. Kurt's asshole wants a go.
Maybe I'll just go ahead and add a little of this and a little of that...
...and...Jesus, do you know your assholes or what. You are made of magic.
You understand the human condition in a way that is so brutally honest and insightful. Does this work with dogs too? Be right back...
UPDATED AGAIN!!
Bad girl Zooey wants her celebrity matches. See into her soul, MyHeritage.com!
Yes, I agree. Perhaps she needs a little help as well...
No matches were found?? It must have been the glasses. Yeah, definitely the glasses messed everything up.
43 comments:
Spitting image of Claudia Schiffer! Truly. Are they related?????
This is hilarious. Poor Nana.
You are wrong. And I think I love you.
Get Nana a stripper for her birthday.
How Pope Benedict didn't end up on this list, I have no idea.
Nana would totally rock the Vatican.
I can't wait till my grandma's super old so I can dick with her.
She used to torture me with those rag curler things. Have you ever had those taken out of your hair? HURTS LIKE HELL.
I did that celebrity look alike thing once I got Ashton Kutcher too. Strange?
Mmmmm.... come to me Chandrika Kumaratunga. Or is that Ashton Kutcher? Either way, Grrrrr... Also, you shouldn't make fun of babies with whopper heads. It's kind of insensitive.
102!
That's impressive.
Especially given her relative and the propensity for inducing heart attack like behavior.
That said, her matches could have been worse.
Crypt Keeper, or just a pile of dust?
"a little less neck" you are brilliant! and i could only hope to match with david duchovny. if you know what i mean. (i would totally bang him)
the best part is the "who's who?" or mabes ashtona. hawt.
She doesn't look a day over 90....
Hitting fruit with oversized sledgehammers is always funny. Anyone who doesn't believe a memory of Gallagher can make you laugh obviously is a robot.
That baby looks delicious by the way!
Hot damn Nana is smoking! :) This is awesome!
To get even with you for making me laugh and spit coffee on my keyboard, I will be getting Nana a laptop and wifi for her 102nd.
I hope that Nana is either out of her head or has a really good sense of humor. A reeeeeeally good sense of humor.
Oh Steamy. You make me giggle and choke on my sandwich a bit.
Why is Nana giving Whopper Jr. a dirty look in the second photo?
I like how Dorothy from Golden Girls and a whopper are two things Nana can look forward to meeting in heaven. Sounds like a swell place.
That had me absolutely dying of laughter! Although, dang, when I'm 102 years old, I'll be absolutely praying that some random computer program out there thinks I look like in-his-prime David Duchovny!
Wow. Asshole facial recognition and a 102-year-old MS Painted Nana with a death wish. My week has officially been primed for awesome.
when i scrolled down and saw how beautiful you made your grandma look, well, i was in love. she's hot.
Jules: *yelling so Nana can overhear* NO THEY AREN'T BUT YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME!!
Peachy: Aw, I love my Nana.
OWO: I am totally wrong. Serious blogger shame for this one.
Maelstrom: She likes to watch the Latino neighbor boy wash his car. Her nurse rolls her outside to watch.
mooog: I thought the same thing about Captain Kangaroo. i mean, seriously...
Erin: I did it too, but I don't even know what to say about mine. I'm speechless.
mayo: I have it on good authority that Chandrika has a very full bush. Like if you dipped it in paint, you'd get at least 20-25 potato stampings out of it before it ran dry.
Ed: If by "pile of dust" you meant William S Burroughs, yeah she got him.
my little becky: I'm glad you clarified, because I wasn't sure what you meant by "match with" him. you meant to match up his penis and your vagina. Got it, like a puzzle.
Kris: I know! I think my mom had her frozen a few years back, actually. That's the only way to explain it.
Cap: I think about that a lot. Except it would come in the form of a saying, like "A penny saved is a penny who goes to hell for talking bad about her Nana."
Kurt: It's not as funny when I do it. Taking a meat tenderizer to a banana doesn't make people laugh nearly as hard. Maybe I need to pass out tarps first...
Kellie: She's the hottest lady over 100 this side of the Mississippi for sure.
Little girl: Maybe save it for 103. I'm not sure she's mature enough to handle such an expensive gift.
Monster: You and me both. *hangs head in shame*
Soda: That's her hungry look. It says, "Cmere, food."
Prosy: I can only imagine. I'm pretty sure she'll be super VIP by the time I get to the gates, and I'm pretty sure she'll pretend she doesn't know me and the bouncer will send me away
That Kind of Girl: I know! I think maybe David Duchovny should be more concerned with these results than she should.
Jay: You know what would be better? If my Nana could shoot bacon-shooting unicorns out of HER eyes!
Miss Y: And did you see John Travolta??!! But sad face for Chelsea Clinton.
OWO: Mine looks like Edward Scissorhands. *sigh*
Chiefy: Don't get too attached...
20-25 Potato stampings? That's excellent. I've only ever been able to manage a dozen or so out of the girls I usually date. Though I've found I can get up to 18 if I use the new paint with the primer already mixed in. Speaking of, if anyone here is interested in purchasing some rather edgy abstracts, let me know.
I was on the phone this morning with my brother, mayopie. I was not saying anything particularly amusing,yet he was quietly giggling. I said, "Are you reading 'Steam Me Up Kid' right now?" He totally was. I must be psychic.
is it okay that i'd rather hit the hole than Chelsea Clinton?
Steamy, you make me swoon.
id totally hit mah main girl Chandrika Kumaratunga too! this was to much funny for me, I need to breath!
PS
Paula Dean IS NOT AN ASSHOLE! I kinda wish she was my grandma so she can feed me insatiable appetite with all her food...
I have only read half of this entry because I am laughing uncontrollably and my co-workers think I am choking to death. When I saw the encore presentation of the browneye, I had to stop. I look forward to finishing this entry later on at home when no one will be alarmed at my reaction.
Also, Nadine Gordimer and Franz Lehar will be thrilled that they are considered celebrities.
Also also, I loved Nana in Airplane!
She scrubs up well your Nana.
Oh yeah . . .
Oh man, a person goes away for FOUR DAYS and misses all sorts of nana hilarity! But I have to say that chart is dead wrong. Nana is a dead ringer for JON VOIGHT, daddy of Angelina Jolie! How can anyone not see that? "SQUEAL LIKE A PEEG!" Um sorry, that was the only quote from a Jon Voight movie I could come up with and he never even said it.
Also, this post is going to give me nightmares.
When I read the title of this blog on my blogroll, I decided to wait before reading it because I clearly it was going to be the most hilarious blog in all of history. I needed to savour it and get over my extreme jealousy of it.
I've finally decided to put out and read it.
I was not disappointed.
This is my first time visiting your blog, but not my last - I'm a new subscriber. Why? Because you made me choke and, I think, also pee a little.
Well played!
Leslie Nielsen's a hottie. I'd totally hit that. Which means I'd hit 75% of your Nana. Ohh yes I did.
Yes. I. Did.
haha wow.. uhm.. dunno what to say, really...
lol
Just came across your blog from The Bloggess, and I must say, for your blog is ridiculously funny. Because going from The Bloggess to any other blog is like going from doing crack cocaine to drinking Red Bull. But your blog is like at least meth. Just sayin'
I'm still laughing at your blog title.
I'm hoping my jowls don't grow in for a few more months, but I feel them on the horizon.
Nana's actually got good skin for 102. Has she had some work done? (It's bad when you can't compete with a 102 year old.)
I hope my granddaughter is as good to me as you are to your Nana! Not that I will live to be 102...
Dude. I would be HONORED to get David Duchovny. He is the hotness.
Oh, right. The whole "dude" thing. So picky.
Okay, you probably stopped reading at comment #gazillion, but I just had to say this shit was hilarious. I'm going over to that website and so help me God if I get the same hits as the asshole there will be hell to pay.
mayo: If you dip their muff in paint, slip them a roofie, then shoot their lifeless bodies out of a cannon onto a slanted canvas, the lines and textures created as they slide to the floor are simply divine.
Apryl: Thanks! I like to think that maybe you two are like my brother and I. Last night I pretended to fellate his dog. He was impressed, I know it.
j-face: Hit the hole! Heehee. I keep snickering about that.
It's All Good: Mmmm I think the argument for Paula Dean not being an asshole can be made. But since I don't have time for that I'll just go ahead and say she's an asshole.
words x 3: Do you like gladiators, Nana? Every seen a grown man naked, Nana?
The Jules: Oh no, don't scrub the Nana. We learned that the hard way.
MORE IN A FEW...GOTTA RUN TO THE PHARMACY FOR BOOB CREAM!
Veg Ass: It's true! Maybe that's why younger glam Nana got Angelina.
Chelle: I think I blew my wad on the title, it all went downhill from there.
Rita: Welcome! Had you shat, it would've been the trifecta.
justy: Uh nuh yuh dint. Uh. Nuh. Yuh. Dint.
Pork: I know. The transformation is shocking.
Vicki: I like to think of my blog as a piece of strawberry Hubba Bubba laced with acid.
Vic: I developed early, I got my jowls when I was 12. I think maybe she has had some work done, I think she had her eye sewn into a permanent twinkly wink.
just Making Your Way: I hope somebody photoshops me pretty when I'm super old. I would also like someone to photoshop me pretty now.
LiLu: I got a bunch of dudes when I did my face. David Duchovny would've been a huge step up for me.
Kim: No, I still squee every time a comment buzzes through on my phone. And if you do it, tell me who you get. That asshole did pretty well for himself.
Okay, I said I would come back when I finished. Spectacular. I'm really impressed with MyHeritage's skill at matching assholes. I would have thought that their calculations were based solely on physical characteristics, but they've really managed to build some intuition into it.
This prompted me to do my own MyHeritage matches. I got five people that look nothing like each other. John Travolta, Michael Keaton, Will Ferrell, Fidel Castro and Gia Carangi. A chick and a despot. Not bad.
An Leaked Lady GaGa Track was Unsealed this evening with no traces of where it originated from.
Some say that it was leaked from GaGa's Record Label's headquarters.
More info at http://ladygagaunreleased.blogspot.com
Free Download of the single at http://tinyurl.com/gagaunreleased
hi there dudes. I'm really into shoes and I have been looking for that particular brand. The prices as regards the shoes were all over 180 pounds everwhere. But for all I bring about this site selling them for the benefit of half price. I absolutely like those [url=http://www.shoesempire.com]gucci sneakers[/url]. I will absolutely buy these. what is your opinion?
Post a Comment