A flashback, if you will...
Come with me for a moment, back to high school...
Becky closes her locker and walks down the hall, as one by one, books and assorted items begin to tumble from her backpack.
Mean girl: HAHAHA!! Nice work, Becky. Oh, real nice work!! HAHAHA!!!
Becky: (picking up her things) Actually, that wasn't nice work at all. I must not have been paying attention when I zipped up my backpack. That's pretty much the opposite of nice work, if you ask me! It's careless is what it is!
...aaaand we're back. See what I mean? Literal.
This inability to grasp the nuances of the language makes blogging a little more difficult. Like for instance, the first time anyone ever LOL'ed in my comments section...
Becky: Oh my God. Wow. This is fantastic. I made someone laugh, audibly even. They laughed so hard they laughed out loud, for all the world to hear! And they have, in turn, gifted me with this LOL, so that I may know that I earned the highest of all responses: The laugh that will not be contained. I've never been more proud.
Eventually I had to look up the meaning of "ROFLMFAO", and...
Becky: Whoa. Rolling? On the floor? Hold on now. That seems a little extreme. I've never in my life rolled from laughter. Now, this sounds like it might be hyperbole.
One of my facebook friends consistently writes at the end of her status updates, "LOLOLOLOL!!!!" and I'm left to wonder...is it possible to laugh out loud out loud out loud? It must be a Zen thing. My brain hurts just thinking about it.
So I get it now. People aren't destroying their monitors with spit-up coffee, nobody falls to the floor and rolls around their office unless of course they're on fire (Stop, Drop, and ROFSHSIBIB*) and they even write LOL without cracking a smile, which seems like the biggest lie I've ever heard of. The discrepancy between what is typed and what I imagine might actually be going on makes me feel uneasy sometimes.
But okay, I'll go with it. LOL. See? That was practice. I was flipping channels while I typed that. ROFL!! I typed that one while I was scratching my boob and thinking about burritos. How does it feel? Not good, right? Right. So let's do something about this, here and now.
I propose that in lieu of LOL and other such insincerities that only a master linguist specializing in the art of colloquialisms or maybe just someone not located at around indigo on the Aspberger's Spectrum could decode, comments should go one of two ways:
OPTION ONE: Complete sincerity.
Like this...While reading the second paragraph of this post, I exhaled sharply through my nose three times in succession, which I believe qualifies as a "snort". I felt amused in that moment. I didn't read the rest of it though because I had to pee really badly, so after I established your intended tone in paragraph 3, I felt I could comment appropriately enough to make you think I read all the way through.
Or this...I thought the part about the cat and the balloon and the turkey sandwich was funny. I didn't laugh audibly, but a pleasant feeling originated in my stomach and resulted in a smile. I have written similar posts, yet I have far fewer followers. This confuses me.
Or... I, too, dislike bad drivers. This was not laugh out loud humorous, although I did emit a soft "Heh" sound when in an ironic twist, the bad driver was you. I have had a similar experience. I can relate.
OR...
OPTION TWO: If you're gonna lie, go big.
As in...I just laughed so hard I spit up coffee on my computer, which triggered my gag reflex, and then I yacked everywhere. I'm so overcome by laughter-induced hysteria that I'm making festive hand-print turkeys on the walls with my own excrement. My husband and children have passed out from shock. What a morning! Thanks for the laugh to start off my day!
Or...I just laughed so hard that I bent over and blew out the windows of my office with a high-powered shit missile. Funny stuff!
Or perhaps...Oh my God, I laughed so hard I'm peeing right now. I can't stop, seriously. It's like a fire hose. I'm going to have to cut this comment short because the pee level in my apartment is rising quickly and I have to locate my scuba gear and get the pets to higher ground. Kids!! Run!! Run to Aunt Linda's house before it's too...*gurgle*
Lastly...After reading this post, all my organs failed at once. I am dead. My ghost has instructed my cat to finish this comment. Meow. It was THAT funny. PS: I have an award for you over at my site!:-)
Don't get me started on those bullshit liar emoticons.
*Rolling On The Floor Saying Holy Shit It Burns It Burns
***
PS: I just discovered that there is a new LOL, called RL LOL. It means "Real Life Laugh Out Loud". Finally, the two-faced LOL is revealed for what he is: A liar, a scoundrel, and a confuser of Me's. This new RL LOL will change everything. Now I will know when you guys are laughing out loud, for real, in real life. Now I will have peace.
45 comments:
Great dissertation on real vs fake humor comments
I read your column while sitting in a chair having to fart but wondering if I should go to the bathroom in case the fart turns into an actual #2.
Good post.
RLSIJWTD (Real Life, Shit I Just Woke The Dog)!
No excrements to tell of at this point. But give the dog a few minutes.
Reading this while on a fast train to london...network keeps cutting off so I totally lost the witty humourous comment I was gonna make cos I was too busy shouting expletives in my head
Howeve I will say I did smile during most of it and did partake of a few snickerings as am in the 'quiet' carriage (its the only way I can guarentee strangers dn't start up conversations with me) I couldn't RL LOL
That was a great post. I used work with a guy who had aspbergers, so I can relate.
I was so overwhelmed with delight that I punched my coworker in the face and threw her down a flight of stairs because I didn't know what else to do.
It's like the Eats, Shoots & Leaves guide to punctuation- only it's about handy internet abbreviations (and lies about bodily functions).
I stopped midway to tell my kid to go to school.
i'm reading this as i eat a granola bar at my desk, i thought it was wildly funny and very true, but the most it mustered out of me was a "hrmph" sound during the funny parts, because no matter how funny something is i don't roll on the floor or anything at work. the most you'll get out of me is a chuckle, especially if i have granola in my mouth. could get messy. alright i have to go to the bathroom now, hopefully i got my point across.
oh, and LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!
I read this will drinking coffee. I gave a brief "heh" and a half smile somewhere around Option 2 and hand-print excrement turkeys. I frowned when I finished reading this post because obviously you have now ruined all fake laughing options and I'll actually have to take the time to write decent comments. You rock. Winking smile.
SOL. Snicker out loud. I do that for real, but only for the really funny shit. And, truthfully, I have laughed out loud while reading your posts. And my keyboard and monitor have only been defiled with sheer dumbassery, like spilling a beer or knocking into a cup of coffee while I reach for something. In fact, there's a little spot of coffee on the right of my monitor (your left) that's been there for two weeks.
LOL ;)
My stomach was a little bit upset this morning and then I read this and although not anywhere approaching gross or disgusting I felt a little bit sick to the stomach.
You should put all your posts together and publish them. I'm sick with jealously at your excellence.
And it's not just because you pay me to be your bitch...because you do, I have the transaction to prove it.
I think I shall take the GO BIG option from here on out... because that seems like more fun.
I just laughed soooo hard that I.... I.... I.... shoot. I got nothin. Maybe that's why people say LOL?
While reading this post I contemplated whether or not I should wear jeans today, as I kind of hate jeans but they are great University camouflage.
Then I got up half way through and got more coffee. But I enjoyed it.
I read your post while watching the news in my jams. It's hard to giggle when the news tells me about dead kids and lost jobs. I will take that up with Mike Roberts. Maybe each news hour should be ended with a steamy sign-off so to help the viewer not want to jump off a bridge in their jammies. At least not before painting something with excrement first. Right? 'Swine Flu blah blah blah' followed by a quick Kurts asshole and I can forget about pandemics and focus on LOL'ing my way through the day. I might be a genius.
I read this in my Google Reader first and I snickered audibly several times throughout. My coworker was all "Can I have this filing cabinet?" and I sighed at her and said "Yes, whatever" because I was annoyed that she interrupted me from reading your blog. Then I clicked on the post to open it outside of the reader so I could comment.
That means I like you.
I always get the 'I just peed' comment.
I have no idea who these people are, but I'm glad I don't work near them.
Mental Poo: Single handedly fueling the Depends Undergarment business since 2007.
i am equally bad with irony, i just don't get it! but it is so cool and hip(ster) to be ironic and i no can do.
the last picture about the Chai Latte forced me to cover my mouth so my co-workers would not hear my RL LOL.
you know what ELSE i hate?!? when instead of laughing people say, "that's funny" but with a serious face. sorry for the double comment but it had to be said.
Peachy: I was able to access your comment. Thank you.
Jules: I appreciate your openness. From my own experience, I would suggest you go straight to the bathroom. Farts are like LOLs, bastard liar assholes intent on concealing the truth.
Beth: Who woke the dogs up? Who! Who Who Who!! Answer: You (Wait, that's not how the song really goes, is it? That would be a really lame song)
fgrn: You being on a fast train to London makes me feel like an international woman of mystery by association. Now I'm gonna need a much better and more shapely rack to fit my new image.
Kristine: You thanked me for ruining your day, then offered a smiley face. One of those is false, as they can't coexist. There is sarcasm afoot, I'm sure of it.
Eva: I have commented on a blog before. I can relate to your comment.
Ben: I enjoyed your comment so much that my brain exploded, so I fed it to my dogs for breakfast. (Both of us have opted for hyperbole in this instance. Right?)
Chelle: I enjoyed that book very much. I like rules. They make me feel safe.
Ginger: That is a lot of LOLs. You must be a Zen master.
OWO: Winking smile? Winking smile is like the Rubic's Cube of the literal blogger. Are you flirting with me, or are you telling me that what came before was untrue?
AA: I do SSS, Silent Shoulder Shakes. That's my laugh. I like how you said "on the right of your monitor, my left" because that's how I would see it if I were looking out your screen at you, which I am. Nice shirt/hair/face. (Pick one.) I'm bad at tricks.
Ed: GRRRR!!! EDDDDDDDD!!! *shakes fist*
Erin: Yes, I believe that transaction paid for hat, gloves, and compliments. That's what the invoice said. (Sarcasm?)
Belle: I love the Go Big option. Especially when commenting on a post about something boring, like macaroni crafts or baskets. Careful though, once you start it's really hard to stop.
Chiefy: I would go for jeans, then. You should camouflage yourself from those University predators anyway you can. It's a battle for survival, every day, this learning business.
brklyn: The mysterious brklyn! I feel happy when I see that you've commented, you must have said something super nice a while back, and seeing as how I'm like a Pavlovian dog with his treats, once you say something nice I will drool when you stop by without even remembering why. Not really drool, that analogy went awry. OK, if I did the news, anytime there was something horrific to report, I would bend over and report it using my asshole as a puppet and holy shit, I do believe I just stole from fucking Ace Ventura. Should I kill myself using pills or rope? Decisions....
Justy: I am so happy that you like me enough to lose a filing cabinet and click out of reader that I started to lactate even those I don't have kids, and my supply is so plentiful that I'm on my way to Africa to feed all the children of the land with my boobs of joy. My rack of plenty.
moooog: The number of incontinence problems among bloggers is out of control. Depends should advertise on sidebars.
Meh. I prefer photos of dog poop in your posts.
*i didn't really say meh, i just thought it.
*okay. now i said it and it doesn't sound natural.
I still like poop.
lusty: My lack of irony ensures that I will never be a cool kid. Also, I think I might be one of those serious faced That's Funny people. Sometimes things are funny to my brain, like clever funny, like A-Ha! funny, but it doesn't trip the laugh wire. Also, I'm glad you liked Chai Latte man, he made me laugh too. Friendly emoticon.
SMG: They can't all be winners. If it helps, my seizuredog has a dingleberry hanging off her ass fur at the moment. She's walking funny, but is too drugged to know why. Ok, that's not funny at all, that's sad. I have to go remove a dingleberry now. That should be the title of my memoirs.
that's all well and good, SM “if that is your real name” UK, however, on your site i really, really, really do snort and spit things on my screen. sincerely.
example: this time i had to make my laugh come out of my nose and then cough a few times afterwards to cover up the whole thing. it was hard. it's ok though, i have mad snorting skillz.
in conclusion, i feel you on this one.
BAHAHAHAHA. Ha.
I RL LOL'ed at almost the whole thing but the shit missile got me going the most. I LOL'ed so hard that I farted, my co-worker laughed at my fart, so I punched her in the stomach and made her fart too. Then we LOL'ed together. It was great bonding w/ my co-worker, so I have you to thank for that.
Thank you Becky. You made my fart.
Feckity Feck, you need to make greeting cards and t-shirts outta those pics! Pleeeease! I'll buy them!
By the time I got to Chai Latte, I was, "Mmhhmm-hmm-hmmmmmmm-hmhmhmhmhm"ing. -Then, right from Option 2a, I was Bwahahahahahahahahaing- never question the sincerity of a Bwaha- they don't like it! -And then at some point, my eyes got all watery, and my laughter sounded more like sobbing. I probably never would have realized this, had I not been gauging my own reactions to ensure the sincerity of this comment.
Steamy, Introducing You To Yourself, A Little Every Day. (Or at least bi-weekly)
Also- those would make superb awards!
Also- You really are the funniest person I've ever encountered.
Also- I like saying "Also". Try it. Allllsssooooooo. It's a good word, if a bit short.
I hate those fakey emoticons. Especially the puking one. LOL.
You forgot this one!
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30828499&id=1191946266
Strangely enough, on my first day in my first job in New York City, it was raining like a bastard and I came in dripping wet with my umbrella and said to the receptionist, "Nice day, huh!" She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Um...it's RAINING?" like I hadn't noticed the weather because I was RETARDED.
I've been scared of sarcasm ever since.
OK not that scared. I can't breathe without sarcasm.
Also, you people using acronyms need my boot up your poo-hole (MBUYPH)
This post amused me very much. For all you know, that means I guffawed, laughed, snorted or had my hand down my pants. You will never really know. But I did want to tell you that somehow within all this entertainment, the part I liked the most was when you scratched your boob while thinking about a burrito. That is my kind of humor! Nice work. For real!
So if taken literally, one should only be able to laugh their ass off once in their entire life?
It was definitely flirting.
But then I read that dude Ben's comment and now I'm smitten. I respond better to violence than I do burritos and boobays.
Someday we'll find it.
The Aspberger Connection.
The Mumblers, the Wincers, and Me!
LOL
I forgot what I was going to write while reading everyone's posts... now all I can think is "dingleberry".
my little becks: You know who else had mad snorting skillz? John Belushi.
Miss Rosa: That last Ha! was the cherry on top of the BAHA.
Kellie: I LOVE punching and farting. Are you guys hiring? Also, your unabashed love of alcohol makes me giggle. I should probably write that on YOUR blog.
hiphophippie: I could sell the feck out of those shirts.
Mona: I NEVER doubt the Bwaha, that's why I made you your own tag! I didn't tag this post because I didn't think it was bwaha worthy, but I'll go back and change it. Also, that was a HUGE compliment. I've been thinking about it all day, for real. It made my week.
Miss Yvonne: You mean :-P ? I don't like this one
:-# because that's me with braces. Or a hooker who just got put in her place by her pimp.
mary: Holy crap, I'm jealous I didn't think of that!!
Veg: She's not literal, she's just a bitch. Trust me, I know my own kind.
WTWA: Wow, really? I do that alot, you'd find me very entertaining!
BACK IN A SEC...LIKE ANYONE CARES
I read this, and although I understand where you are coming from, I did not laugh out loud. I didn't even smile. I just agreed silently in my head. And that is all.
Best title of a blog post ever.
I ONLY write LOL when I AM. It's a point of pride.
Also, in other news, I have no life.
I have nothing to say since I only speak in sarcasm... You have silenced me and anything I say will be taken as insincere.
PS... **snort**
I actually do have to pee pretty badly right now. But I made it all the way through the post.
Non-sarcastically - I only actually write LOL if I actually LOL. I don't like to lie. Well, I don't like to lie about LOL-ing. I'll lie about other shit.
I've always felt like my comments should be between those two. By the way, I'm reading this before I fall asleep to make me happy before I dream. Although I did not laugh out loud, your post made a subtle but strong smirk across my face. What a great post
Sincerely,
Astra
I just found your blog and since this is an old post you will probably never read this comment but seriously... I am totally the person who reads a post and is like, "Well that was enjoyable and mildly humourous," and then I read the comments and people are screaming about how they tore a schism in the time-space continuum with the force of their laughter and I feel like a mirthless loser because I just kind of "hehhed." But this post made me literally laugh audibly for the entire time I was reading it. Like I had to call my boyfriend over to look at the pictures, while trying to hold in my laughter a bit because it was getting weird how much I was laughing. I love you. Excuse me while I go RSS this. Literally.
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