Well, friends, let me tell you...it's a labor of love, homemaking. It's a skill honed from years of research and practice, but I'll tell you, the reward of the surprised looks on my guests' faces makes it all worthwhile.
From my home to yours, it's my honor to present to you...
STEAMY'S BASIC HOSTESSING TIPS
FOR EXTREME HOME ATTRACTIVENESS
Tip 1: Make your "house" into a "home".
Your home has a history. It's more than just a house. Every good home has an element of nostalgia, whether it be grandpa's old rocking chair, or patchy threadbare heirloom quilt. Don't be afraid to boast the story behind these objects, it will make your guests feel welcome, like part of the family. For instance, recently, one particular guest asked me, "What are these stains all over your walls?"
Of course, I leapt at the opportunity to regale my guest with my home's history.
"Well, you see, before she died, that's where my dog would rub her itchy sides and butt against the walls before laying down for a nap. You can see where her favorite sleeping spots were, because of the dark oily stains!" I boasted. "More champagne?"
My guest was impressed, it was obvious. "This one looks different," she remarked.
"Oh!" I replied eagerly. Another golden opportunity. "That's because it is! THAT stain was from the time I tripped and threw a mug of coffee at the wall! That happened the VERY SAME DAY that Obama was inaugurated. So, pretty historical." I replied, trying not to sound too smug. "Would you like me to take a photo of you next to it?"
Tip 2: Dealing with pests
I'm pretty live-and-let-live when it comes to pest control, except when it comes to something that may jeopardize the safety of my guests. Safety first, which is why, when I had company for Christmas, I felt it necessary to provide a glass terrarium for the wasp that had entered my living room.
I placed the glass next to my Magical Holiday Snowscape 2009.
...which worked out pretty well because I told people the wasp was playing the role of Baby Jesus in my nativity scene, and that the glass was the manger, and yes the manger is upside down and Jesus is trapped but when you think about it, aren't we all trapped in this crazy metaphorical upside-down glass manger called life? *sigh* I know I sure am.
When I decided I was going to write about my home beauty tips and went downstairs to take a photo of my Holiday Snowscape/Wasp in a Manger yesterday, I noticed that the wasp had died, which was surprising because, I mean, there was at least two months worth of air in that glass. I don't really know who to call to dispose of such a thing, so I put the glass back over it and decided to just not be so controlley about it. Sometimes you just have to let the little things go.
Tip 3: Creating beautiful spaces
Guests will use the items you display as jumping off points for conversation, as well as a way to learn more about you. What do you want to express about yourself by the items on your shelves? Are you educated? eccentric? artistic? worldly?
I've created beautiful spaces in my own home that express my inner self. For example, in this image, notice how I have arranged the objects on my shelf in a way that tells my guests, "Here, look, I have stuff, and here's some of it on this shelf."
It's a pity, my thighmasters appear to be irreparably tangled.
I hope I won't have to throw them away.
It's important to show your guests that you're organized, so that they may find everything that they're looking for. I find that a label-maker comes in handy for this purpose. Labels show your guests that you run a tight ship, and it shows!
Oh, label-maker!
I swear, I would lose my own head if it weren't for you!
A fancy dinner is all well and good sometimes, but remember, your guests want to feel at home. I prepare a meal for my guests that's typical of what I usually feed myself. And you know what? I think they appreciate it. I really do.
"We don't *usually* have marshmallows, but it's a special occasion,"
I whisper, with a wink.
Then I pull up a folding camping chair for my guest (with built in beer holder in the armrest!) and position it between the two recliners I took from Nana's house, which she doesn't need because she's too old to come downstairs ever again (SCORE!! THANKS NANA!!) and we eat and watch Ghost Whisperer 7th Heaven The [smart person] Show on [news network].
72 comments:
Back in the day, if someone offered me a tasty IPA, I'd have been their friend for life.
hahah i love the labelmaker tags!! and what are those little blue pills!? classic!
Look how fancy! You cored the apple for your guests! I would have chucked it at them and pointed to the sink with a grunt. Coming to my house hungry? What do I look like, a soup kitchen?
Awww yeeaahhhh, Steamy, you are a housekeeper after my own heart. Brilliance.
Are the little blue pills viagra?? Because if so.. I'm there.
Inaugural coffee art...I like it! I'm calling Better Homes and Gardens, they're probably gonna wanna do a spread! (that's what she said)
Nice homemaking Steamy!
I'm changing my blog pictures just to decorate your sidebar by the way, So I'm also on the decorating bandwagon...you're welcome.
"Please, make yourself at home! Feel free to use any of my choads, whores, or dickfaces. You'll find them clearly marked on the window sill.
Now, how about a snack. Marshmallow anyone?"
If I purchased you some plane tickets, would you like to come decorate my house whenever I get one? I'll pay you in marshmallows and I'll throw in a guest chair! Intrigued?
Also, I could probably fix your computer, because I was going through withdrawals for OVER a week because you haven't posted anything, so I'm going to assume your computer was broken (It probably wasn't, but that's the excuse I was making for you). You know how much you've deprived me last week?! I was on Vicodin! I would have laughed and cried so hard while reading your wonderful blog!
I have a light switch in my house and I'm not totally sure what if anything it controls. I like to tell my guests that every time I flip it on or off that a nun gets kicked in the face, oh how we laugh..
PS you have degrassi on cd. I'm not sure what degrassi is but I can assume it's kinda sorta awesome
Man, I was scribbling notes there like a librarian or something else note scribbly... I'm also relieved that I'm not the only one with "CHOAD" labels on my thing. I feel I need a "DICKFACE" though or I'm just not keeping up with the trend.
Also, with my stains, I like to outline them in Sharpie for maximum effect (sometimes red sharpie sometimes black, you can just never tell which I'm going to use) and putting arrows on detailing the more spectacular or memorable stains.
I'd like to tell you more but Martha Stewart's on her way round for some Tylenol lasagna, therefore I must go and prepare.
OH MY. By "Choad labels on my thing" I of course meant "THINGS" plural. The only label on my "Thing" says "AWESOME".
Birth control goes with apple slices?
Noted.
You know, you just can't find good choad these days. Like a 2002 Simi cabernet, when you find some you hang on to ot for special occasions.
Dickface, on the other hand, seems to be just everywhere. I found an abundance of it at a sporting goods store names, of all things, "Dick's" just the other day. It wasn't a good thing, Martha. Not a good thing at all.
Degrassi
Oh good, this means I don't have to sweep up the cat litter off the rugs anymore. I'll just tell guests it's art.
ok, i suck at typing. i really need to read things before hitting that "post" button.
sorry.
This is absolutely good.. I was taking notes while reading this.. now the mess that is all over my living room can become conversation piece next time I have people over..
The pill was a classic - only I mix them in the brownies instead of serving them on the side.
Why in the hell haven't I been invited over yet? The World's Largest Itchy Dog Ass Stain is all that's left unseen in my Big Book of Pointless Americana.
You know the wasp is just waiting for Easter to rise again......
I have that exact same piece of coffee art, but mine was a result of a flying beanie baby during the great stuffed animal war of October 2008. You probably read about it. We lost a lot of good people.
Is that a side of Aleve with the marshmallows? That's practically what I had for breakfast while all hungover Saturday morning.
I agree with your labels - that little glass deer figure totally looks like a choad.
Whenever I see that you've finally posted something, I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning.
I get all giggly and bouncy and clappy.
Interestingly, your posts come around about as often as Christmas.
This was so wonderful I think I may come over and peer in your window after dark with my night vision gear!
(what? too soon?)
OK, so maybe I will just sneak in and eat your Oreos and Viagra...
Is that a yellow paper clip holding some fur? Up there, on your window sill, right above "WHORE." I swear that's something that could be found in my house.
I have coffee stains all over my monitor, just now, from spewing it everywhere laughing at this post! You just crack me up.
(oh, and I don't have dickface, but I do have dickweed, is that the same thing?)
Thanks for the laughs.
LOL You're horrible.
You have an 80's shelf and its not properly labeled? Susan Sommers is gonna tan your taut hide.
I wish I could find the office labelmaker, because I can tell you right now that all these piles of papers - excuse me, choads and dickfaces - would be labeled all SORTS of neatly. Take that boss!
Is that one marshmallow to share? I like to think it's there as a size reference for the pills.
"See, these aren't HORSE pills or anything [insert guest's name here] - look how reasonably sized and non-gag inducing they look compared to this marshmallow. And we all know how many of those you can fit in your mouth, [insert guest's name here]."
*wink wink*
THANK GROD YOU ARE BACK. I was starting to have the shakes!
What a very, very special entry. These tips will help me plan the big party I am having this Sunday. There will be banjos here, so I think Aleve and marshmallows will be especially well-received by my guests. What inspiration! Thanks, Steamy!
OH. I went back to Steamy's Basic Beauty Tips for Beauty and Attractiveness, the blog entry you mention here, and YES, I got some very hot advice... But you tantalizingly promise a future post called Steamy's Basic Beauty Tips For Beginner Fatties. Which I could not find! I would also like the Steamy's Advanced Beauty Tips For Advanced Fatties. Because I am definitely an Advanced Fatty, and ready for the next level of instruction! I AM READY FOR MY NEXT FATTY BEAUTY OPERATING THETAN LEVEL NOW! You're the L. Ron Hubbard of Cosmetology and Decor, Steamy!
Oh, and... DEGRASSI!!! Yeah, baby. The Degrassi drinking game is awesome! A tumbler of Canadian Club mixed with Canada Dry Ginger Ale whenever anybody says ABOOT or OOT... a shot of Canadian Club by itself whenever anybody says GRADE X, instead of the Xth grade... and a bong hit for every minute Liberty is onscreen, because that obnoxious little bitch drives me to it.
Degrassi. Wow.
That poor little glass deer does not deserve to be called a choad. WTF did he ever do but brighten your goddamn day?
Also, I cannot stop envisioning different scenarios that require the use of the Thighmaster, the Sony Handycam and the gun. Frankly, they're all pretty hot.
Laughing so hard I couldn't read it aloud to my husband. Makes me want to take a picture of my own dog-stained wall to send to you.
I so loved this post! One of the best I've read lately! Wonderful
I can't get past the fact that you have thighmasters. Plural. How many legs do you have? (I'm looking to expand my network of leg-challenged people. You'd be my first extraneous-leg friend.)
"Choad" sounds like something you'd serve with mutton. Like a turnip side dish.
Would you like another serving of choad?
This time I had the sense to read your latest post from home, instead of the office. Last time I'm pretty sure people thought I was having a coronary or a breakdown or both because you make me laugh so hard it just looks like I'm crying. Sitting at my desk, without any shelter from cubicle walls, hand over my face, shoulders shaking, tears streaming down my face...for five minutes.
At least nobody asked me to do anything for the rest of the day.
Please don't ever change a thing about your decor, it rocks! Thanks for all the laughs.
How you haven't been offered your own show on TLC yet is completely beyond me.
So when can I move in?
dear becky, i like to start things out with "dear becky" because then i can also close with becky. because that's funny? i don't know.
anywho, i like to get the dogs in on my decorating as well! we have two (2) window ledges that were tastefully re-worked by tonka in one of her more creative moods. we cherish and support her creativity.
xxoxo, becky <-see? no? fine.
Thanks for the great tips! You are one classy lady! What a great spread you lay out for your guests. Totally top notch!
This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time, Becky. I especially enjoyed how you neglectfully killed the jesus wasp. The radiant guest chair is also superb! The fancy handwriting really highlights it well.
Also, are those sleeping pills on that platter? They look exactly like generic brand doxylamine succinate.
You have the build in beer holders? Well sheesh, thanks for setting that impossible standard!
Wonderful post.
Label makers are pretty highclass. I don't have one.
I like your guest chair, but if I get scared about the pests, I might have to sit on your lap.
I agree with everything here but...um...
What's with all the Thighmasters?
Are you a mutant? Because if you are you should TOTALLY be labeling that shit.
When I moved into my house we had a bird shit wall. Had they been historically significant birds I would have kept it.
I thought the pills were sweet tarts, which go great with a crisp, cold IPA. I'm also glad to know I am not the only person who keeps insects (and giant fucking arachnids) under glass.
I was hoping I could hire to come decorate my house? And by hire I mean give you stolen post-it notes from work.
My God woman, how many thighmasters do you use at one time? Apparently your goal is to be able to squeeze your husband's head like a big zit until his eyes pop out.
I love how the guest chair is slightly lower than yours. Like they are your subject. Or pet. Although the dog's chair is taller.
i'd been worried about my homemaking skills, but thanks to your post i see i'm doing just fine! i can't wait to tell people about the cat puke stain on the rug the next time i have guests! i'm totally going to have to step up my game in the beverage arena, though, that beer looks WAY fancier than what i normally provide.
This is an inspiring post. Now I feel no need whatsoever to clean up my bachelor pad. Everything has a story behind it, a memory, a slice of life worth noting.
Oooohhh... is that Xanax for dinner?
Cheese balls? Truce x 1000!
I am an avid collector of things and would like to arrange, with you, the purchase of your inauguration day stain.
How much?
Tardy as usual...I'm just as entertained by your reader's comments as I am by your hospitality. You set a pretty high standard but I'd like to see you top the blood drops on the back of my toilet from my flea lovin' cats who INSIST of receiving their water whilst on the tank. (See, the fleas bite....)
I had to google choad. Should I be embarrassed? I need to study up on Urban Dictionary tonight...
Oh my gosh! I laughed, way out loud, a lot.
I think I'd like to come over sometime and take a photo with you next to your dog stained walls and then eat some marshmallows, pills and oreos.
I can now throw my next dinner party with the assurance and confidence I once lacked!
I dig your guest chair.
Aleve, huh...I was thinking something more sexy. Something you might call "Lady Viagra". But which, of course, would turn out to be hormone supplements, or somesuch.
Aleve makes sense though.
I'm more of an Ibruprofin guy.
You are one of my favourite bloggers and as such I have passed on to you the 'Beautiful Blogger' award.
http://vegemitesaga.blogspot.com/2010/02/beautiful-blogger.html
Keep up the good work.
I'm so curious about the two blue pills on the fancy dinner plate. You might have addressed that in the comments but damn...there are too many for me to read through. So I'll just continue to wonder.
I am now officially in love with you.
Choad. :-)
Pearl
I love that you labeled choad. Also, you obviously care deeply for your guests. I don't see a beer holder on your chair! That is a great hostess w/ the mostess. Well done!
I have the same butt marks in my house and the matching coffee, though I think mine is from when he won the nomination.
What are the little blue pills?
Now I feel like a fool for painting over the dog ass stains in the dining room.
You give and you give and you give.
Is there no end to your willingness to share of yourself for the benefit of mankind??
hahhahahahahahahaah
Degrassi High??!!!! I loved that show! lol! Thanks by the way for making me feel like I'm not a freak. We keep house the same way. I think there should be a club or something. I should get a membership card. It would only be fair.
Marshmallows? Oh what a wonderful special occasion!
Marshmallows? Oh what a wonderful special occasion!
you have impeccable taste ms. steamy. i'd love to eat oreos and pills in your camping chair!
Do you recommend Zanex or Valium with the apples?
I'm so glad I happened across your blog. You are brilliant. Thank you for the many laughs already.
Congratulations on your Blogstar award Steams! You ARE the funniest blogger alive!
As I was checking out the Blogstar website, I noticed Stir Crazy in the Suburbs was nominated for blog more often! you did that didn't you...krazy kitty kat!
Imma think of something to blog about real soon!
507 followers? We should celebrate...in Vegas! Just order each one of your followers to send $10 and we're good for a few hours on the tables right? :)
Post a Comment