Steamy's Beauty Tips for Beauty and Attractiveness

Some of you ladies out there are so advanced at being pretty that you know fancy tricks like how to put on eyeshadow and how much perfume is too much perfume and to you I say GOOD FOR YOU in an aggressively sarcastic tone because you're probably the same girls who made fun of the clippy barrette I had to wear on the back of my head in high school to keep my cowlick down and maybe you're so pretty you didn't ever have to give blow jays or hand jays to make boys not give you noogies love you and again to you I say GOOD FOR YOU but this time there's a deep quiver in my voice and you can hear the phlegm sadness in my throat but I'm not gonna clear it out because I bet you'd like that wouldn't you. I. wouldn't. give. you. the satisfaction. *gurgle* 

So my Seven Beauty Tips For Beauty and Attractiveness are not for that type of "advanced" lady. They're for people like me, maybe girls who are 15 and haven't figured this stuff out yet, or ladies who are 34 but had a busy working mom growing up and whose big lesson in beauty was the time her dad opened her bedroom door and tossed in a Lady Speed Stick and mumbled something about "Rub this around in your pits," so maybe I'm a little behind on the beauty stuff, but I'm learning.

STEAMY'S SEVEN TIPS TO A PRETTIER YOU

Tip 1) How fat you look is inversely proportional to how tan you are. I'm pale and kinda chubby, so there's your hard data. If being fat is just a trick of light and shadow, an optical illusion, then it's totally worth it to be tan because you can eat more!! you'll look slimmer instantly. I've only tanned in a tanning bed once, but that was enough for me to gather some important tips for you... 

When you lay down on the bed, there's a lid, right? Like on a casket. Well, here's the part they don't tell you. THE LID COMES DOWN. It's not supposed to stay open the whole time. If you do that, your back will be tan and your front won't. But, and here's the tricky part, when you realize this halfway through your session and you feel around for the down button, the casket door will lower itself really, really far down right on your face pretty much and you'll feel trapped. But try not to panic. Everything will work out ok. Freaking out and shimmying your lotiony naked body up through the hole at the top of the machine and sliding out onto the floor in a sweaty, coconutty whimpering pile of shame will not get you your money back, and without the front tan you're left looking like an Othello game piece. Stick it out, is what I'm saying.  

Tip 2) When shaving your feet, be sure to...what? You don't? Me neith...it was hypothet...just, you know, in case...someone...a hobbit...or...alright. 

Tip 3) On dyeing your bush: You may one day become concerned that your drapes don't match your bush, as they say. Heh. Get it? ("Drapes" is a sneaky way of talking about the hair on your head.) Maybe you decide to dye it, but if your "drapes" (heh) are blonde, and you decide to bleach your bush to match, understand that when the roots start to grow back in, he'll realize that the bush doesn't really match the drapes and unless he believes that you got frosted tips just because you know how much he liked Sugar Ray in college, the gig will be up. 

Tip 4) Flirting is a great way to meet new men or spice up your current relationship! Everything from the simple toss of the hair back over the shoulder, to the coy smile, to touching his shoulder or arms can be quite seductive. Sometimes, though, if he's not responsive (shy! Aw...) try being a little more direct. Stroke the neck of your beer bottle, then point to what you're doing and say, "This is your cock later" and wink. He'll get it. It's subtle, but he'll get it.

 

Tip 5) It's all relative! The best thing the 90's taught me was that big shoes make you look smaller. If your shoes are big, people looking at you will think you are much smaller than you are because they have a preconceived notion in their brain of the appropriate person-to-shoe ratio. If you can find yourself a giant pair of clown shoes, you'll look like a twig and wherever you go women will envy you and men will admire your slender physique. (How do you think Skinheads keep so slim? Psst!! It's the Doc Martins! *wink*) 

Tip 6) If there's one thing I know about being a beautiful lady, it's that your asshole must be clean at all times. Seriously. There is no "too clean" here. The other day there was an episode of "Obsessed" featuring a woman who kept her asshole so clean that she scrubbed it inside and out with a toothbrush, and my sister was all CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? And I'm like, What? That's called being thorough! I mean, if you make sure and buy the soft bristle toothbrush? Why not? So my advice to you is when you wipe, wipe again. Then maybe once more. Then again, for good luck. Then maybe a wet wipe, bent over in front of a mirror to be sure. Then a bath. Or if the spray nozzle from your kitchen sink is long enough, there's that. Or if your local mall has one of those "surprise geyser" public fountains, just pull down your pants, squat and wait. Probably nobody will even notice a pantsless squatting adult, what with all those wet screaming kids running all over the place. You'll be fine. 

This much I know is true: You think nobody's ever going to see your asshole, but one day when you least expect it, it'll happen, so like the Boy Scouts of America say, "Be Prepared." And I'm pretty sure they were talking about clean assholes. 

Tip 7) Years ago when my sweating problem was much worse than it is now, I saw a doctor about it and she prescribed something called Dry-Sol, a topical liquid that I used twice and never had a sweating problem again. It was made of aluminum and now I can't remember my brother's name or the word for "door" and sometimes I get that left-right-left-right pattern confused when I'm walking and will take two right-foot steps in a row, but it was totally worth it. Sweating is bad and not beautiful so if you can find anything with an assload of aluminum in it, use it. Beauty comes with a price, and sometimes that price is Alzheimer's. 

Stay tuned for my next installment: Steamy's Basic Beauty Tips For Beginner Fatties