A man who drives a truck and fixes things arrives this morning to tinker with something. I don't remember what. A tank or a meter, or some other type of most boring word on the planet.
"You know where to go," I say with a wave toward the basement, where I've never been because nothing good has ever happened in a basement. Plus it's where all the boring things that I don't understand are stored.
Half an hour later he approaches me with some smug asshole blinky-light device. The Alex Trebek of poison gas detectors.
Man: Do you ever feel headachey when you wake up? Like a hangover?
Me: I knew it. This is my intervention, isn't it. Is Jeff here? Did I get Jeff?
Man: Do you feel sleepy alot?
Me: This is weird. It's like you know me.
Man: You know you have carbon monoxide coming through your vents at 25 parts per million?
Me: That's awesome! That's like, barely any parts!
Man: It's about half of what you'd find coming out of a tailpipe.
Me: Only half then? What are the side effects of that?
Man: Sleepiness and death.
Me: Huh. Well. This explains why I've gained so much weight this year.
Man: No it doesn't. It doesn't explain that at all.
Me: Or does it?
Man: No.
Me: *squinty eyes*
Man: Nope.
Me: *hopeful eyebrows*
Man: No.
Me: I've been breaking out on my forehead...
Man: No.
Me: My toes feel less bendy lately...
Man: No.
Me: Fine. Does it explain that gas smell down there?
Man: No, carbon monoxide is odorless. Wait. A gas smell?
Me: Yeah, like smoky gas. Mostly smoke, but I know there was gas too, because it made my tongue taste like perfume, so I closed the basement door and locked it. Cause petewy! I tell you what, it took about 15 York Peppermint Patties to wash that taste away!
Man: Well whatever that was seems to have resolved itself. The real problem is the lethal amounts of carbon monoxide.
Me: Okay. Can you fix it?
Man: Well, I turned the furnace off down there for now. Your [insert nonsense stuff I don't understand] hasn't been replaced since 1986. And your [award for boringest words ever] looks like it's original to the house. You have [yawn] leaking down through your [I wonder if there are any more peppermint patties?] and causing [oh my god, my dog looks so cute right now] to rust. It's pretty serious.
Me: Okay. So, how long until I can flush the toilet?
Man: I turned off the furnace. That's all. Not the water.
Me: So, no hot showers for....
Man: Just the furnace. The hot water is fine.
Me: So the Internet...?
Man: Still works.
Me: Can I still send texts from my phone?
Man: Yes.
Me: And the milk will stay good for how long if I don't open the fridge?
Man: I don't think you understand.
Me: It's just so boring, what you're saying. It's hard to even focus. Could you just summarize it? Or write it on this post-it and I'll read it later?
Man: Listen...I. turned. off. your. furnace. so. that. the. carbon. monox....
Me: Oh my God you're killing me right now. I think I just fell asleep and had a dream in the middle of that sentence. Don't say "furnace" ever again. So boring.
Man: Don't use the heat. No more hot air. Look at me. It's simple. No. More. Hot. Air.
Me: UGGHH SO BORING MY BRAIN HURTS.
Man: Just say it.
Me: Nah. Mah. Hah. Ah. *falls asleep*
Man: You can do this. Focus.
Me: Fine. No More Hot Air. NMHA. I'll remember it that way. It's a mnemonic device. NMHA stands for: No Man Has Apples. or Nancy Makes Hot Appetizers. Or None More Heat Air.
Man: Or, No More Hot Air.
Me: Hey! That's catchy! I'll remember that!
Man: You're really lucky we caught this leak.
Me: See, this is why I don't go down in the basement. Nothing good ever came from poking around down there.
Man: Besides detecting carbon monoxide and possibly saving your life? You know, carbon monoxide sinks to the ground, where your dogs sleep. Have your dogs been listless?
Me: Um...let me think.
Me: Maybe a little. It's hard to say, really.
Me: I suppose it's possible, now that you mention it.
Me: I cremated one last month. I wonder...
Me: *thinky face*
Me: I'm pretty sure she was dead.
Me: ...
Me: Pretty sure.
***
Sometimes it rains pee in the hallway. The first time this happened I was like WHAT THE FUCK and I thought maybe it was the apocalypse or a house stigmata because whoever heard of such a thing, and I went upstairs to pack my suitcase because yeah, fuck that. But it turned out to be a broken pipe caused by somebody flushing a catcher's mitt wad of toilet paper down the toilet but you know what? Whatever, plumber. If my only luxury is 35 layers of tissue between my hand and my poop, then just let me be. I'll take a little pee rain now and then. That's why God invented buckets.
And sometimes my front gate opens, and sometimes it doesn't, and maybe it will be a climb over the wall and land in the hedges day, and maybe it'll be a use your key day. And maybe it'll be the kind of arid day where the gate shrinks and the little clicky metal piece doesn't even reach the other side and it becomes a swinging saloon door and I get to enter my patio like an old west cowboy. See? Every day is an adventure.
Then there are the rats. Rats like old houses. Lots of hidden holes and broken screens and old vines and stuff. Sometimes when I'm sitting outside, a rat will just walk by on a branch of a shrub next to me. Hello, Senor Raton! Make yourself at shrub!
Another fun part about living in an old house is remembering which outlets work, and which don't, and which ones make a BEZZERT noise and put on a tiny fireworks display and give you an electrical bitch slap and make you say nonsense things like Yeep!! and Shookaw!! and Whacha!! as your leg shoots out backwards in an involuntary donkey-kick when you go to plug something in. And then after a few years of this, some electrician tells you that your house is powered with cloth covered wires from the 30's and that you're lucky to be alive.
Hear that? Lucky to be alive. Like Evil Kneivel or Tom Daschle or Gary Busey. Not everyone gets pretty much constant life-affirming reminders from their house.
104 comments:
It's a real bugger that I get to read your posts just before o go to sleep (we're waaay ahead of you down here in New Zealand) because you make me laugh so hard it wakes me up and I lie in the dark wide-eyed for hours until it's 3am and the Dark Thoughts come, and then I get depressed and worry about death and taxes. So thanks for nothing, SMUK!
Shit. It sometimes rains pee in my kitchen. Is that a bad sign? I live in an old house too.....
Yak dick posts are the BEST!
It's an ungodly time in the a.m. and this just made me laugh, so thanks :).
And I TOTALLY want Jeff and his kick-ass 'stache for my intervention. Those other two are whiney and coddling. Jeff gets shit done and doesn't wanna hear any of your excuses in the process...booyah.
Five. Five times I laughed out loud and it's 6:36 in the a.m and I'm only 2/3rds done with my coffee.
I was going to stay with you when I come for a visit you had me booked at the no tell motel with the mention of your rats. I think that was your plan all along
*squinty eyes*
"You are insane!!" I just cried... "This is the end of man!" I also exclaimed...oh, and Evel Knieval isn't too lucky now...he's dead...now how do you feel, smart girl?
Oh God RATS! Now I'm having "Secrets of NIMH" flashbacks and wondering if I should advise you to dig up that ancient rosebush in your backyard. Have you noticed a spike in your electric bill?
I hope (for your sake) that Senor Raton is more of a Justin than a Jenner.
You didn't even mention the best part about old houses-- the "I wonder if anyone died in this room" game. I usually mock those people who believe in alien abductions and Bigfoot and mediums, but I swear there was a creepy vibe at my old house. Just sayin'.
Maybe if that fix-it guy would talk in English, then you would have a chance of understanding him. Besides we all know they make up half those words as they go.
Yeah...I'm sure my "pressure valve" is blocked. Whatever you say, Dr. Suess!
I think any plug that gives you donkey kicks should never be replaced. Just invite others to plug things in there for you! So funny! HAHAHAHAHA!
You know what else is awesome? When your septic tank overflows. There is nothing like half of your backyard turning into a swamp of your own fecal matter. Ahh, good times.
You've been using 'petewy' a lot lately. I think you might need help.
I wish I had a door in my house that I could kick open like saloon doors for the old west. I might hang those in the doorway into the kitchen. That'd be awesome, the way I could kick those bastards open and scare the hell out of my kids when they're eating their afternoon snack.
Mmmm...yogurt.
*kick*
*swing*
This kitchen ain't big enough for the three of us! I'd declare in a gruff and tumble way.
Whichever kid didn't get k-oed by the swinging door would then fall to the ground and cry like a little bitch.
Hmmmm...well...looks like I'll be doing home improvement this weekend.
Did he sound like Charlie Brown's teacher with the mwah mwah mwah's? My husband sounds like that everytime he starts talking about computer mwah mwah mwah... And then, like you, I fall asleep instantaneously.
Also, if I saw a rat walking by my window I would move the fuck out of that house. The rats can have it.
Love - Love your posts! I think I must live in an old house too. I have a leaky roof, peeling paint, cracks in the wall, torn up kitchen floor, and I never go in the attic or the crawl space so who knows what else is going on and really I sleep better not knowing!
I will pay you vlog yourself touching that switch that makes you backwards donkey kick. You like slim jims, right? Okay, I will totally pay you in slim jims. Done and done.
P.S. Were you alluding over on my blog that you are going to see Pee Wee on stage???? I will totally pay you in slim jims to fly me out there and see it with you. *sob* Pleasssse Beccckkkkyyyyyyyy.
That was sooooo hysterical. Loved it! I have to go back and read it again!!!
I live in an old house too, but the probability of something other than killing me is so low that I don't even worry about it anymore.
I need to start carrying Post Its with me. Whenever someone gets boring, you could just ask them to take notes for you! GENIUS.
Gosh, where'd the man that drives a truck and fixes things get his degree? THE UNIVERSITY OF BORING?! I'm sorry you had to listen to him blubber on like that.
Mmm...York Peppermint Patties.
Do get any hauntings in your old house? Maybe the ancient Indian burial ground type along with the dripping pee and electrical donkey kicks?
Don't buy any creepy looking clowns.
So I take it you don't have carbon monoxide detectors on each floor of your house?
*Sigh*
If I lived near you, I would be over this weekend installing them for you. I have a screwdriver and everything.
York Peppermint Patties take care of all kinds of lingering bad tastes. Thank gawd.
That repair man is so insensitive. Doesn't he know that it's his job as a handy individual to say things like:
"I'm here to service you."
"Let's plug that leak right away!"
"This one's on me."
"Think you can give me a hand with this knob?"
What a douche.
This post totally made my morning yogurt-eating ritual.
That last dog... I don't know if he's sleepy so much as he is possessed by the devil. In a really cute way. The other two? I would like to look THAT calm when I sleep. Jealous.
Stop making me laugh so hard, Becky; I have shit to do.
And I, too, live in an old house. Nonstop adventure.
Do you have a roof rake? I do. And I didn't know that such a thing existed until I bought a house. Because roof rake = SNORE ... until you own a house and it starts raining ice water. Indoors.
Every time I think you can't top that, you do. So freaking funny.
I don't know how you do it.... **bows with respect**
:)
Oh my god! I feel headachey when I wake up, too! Note to self: call man who drives truck and fixes things...'cuz that's about my level of girlie DYI ability in my old house.
You had me laughing out loud...(in spite of headache.)
I never went into the basement of our old rental house becuase it looked like the Silence of the Lambs down there. I just know that there was some guy down there tucking back his junk and telling people to put the lotion on the skin...
Are you still super pissed that it wasn't an intervention with Jeff? I would so do meth just to be interventioned by that guy. Such a badass. Such a 'stache.
I hate basements. They are scary. That is where people get raped and killed and tortured.
Do you really have rats though? That would be awful. We have birds that live in our attic. I can hear them chirping and shitting away in there. But you know what? I'm lazy. And they need a home too. So they get to stay all warm and cozy like. And rent free! I'm like the nicest person ever!
I know it's been said enough, but Jeebus, you're funny. I look forward to no longer being employed so I can actually laugh out loud when I read your posts, instead of trying to control my body from shaking me right out of my chair, while I make that horrible "I'm not laughing" wheezing sound that only gets worse when I try to muffle my laughter by jamming a handful of Ruffles into my mouth.
Why are Beckys so awesome? What makes it so? And why are you funnier than me? I fucking hate that.
You spread so much joy around - I mean it.. your posts make me laugh so hard, my sides start to hurt.. if I am having a bad day, its your blog I come to, cuz I know, no matter what I'll end up leaving this blog laughing my ass off.. so keep up the good work!
Danger! That shit is soo scary. I have a long involved story with carbon monoxide, a 60 year old furnace our landlord refused to replace AND a very angry screaming Jeremiah.
I'm so glad you're not dead.
I so want someone to start droning on at me today just so I can say, "It's just so boring, what you're saying." Just that simple line. Then I might take a photo of the resulting expression.
On a sombre note, sort that shit out woman. One of my childhood friends died from Carbon Monoxide leaking into her bedroom. No kidding.
Although thinking about it, YOUR carbon monoxide is probably terrified to come anywhere near you. :)
Old houses are awesome!
Sometimes the front door will open with the key, unless its cold or raining or just generally conditions that you don't want to be out in.
Sometimes your heater will break in the middle of winter and it turns out its because a rat fell in the stove pipe because rats love your house and your furnace is so old the cover thingy is completely gone.
And somedays you can get mildly electrified when you turn on the ceiling fan.
Pam: Oh, 3am is an asshole. It's all aneurysms and Alzeimers (where the fuck does the h go?) and death and ghosts. When I'm giggling myself to sleep, I think of baseball, because the opposite of laughing is baseball. Look it up.
Jules: It's okay, as long as you remember not to use pots as buckets, because then you'll never eat chicken soup the same way again.
OEM: Plus, Jeff relapsed, which makes him human, which makes him less Oh-I'm-So-Great-I-Don't-Drink-Anymore-ey. Plus I saw Ken in real life once, and his face is made of wax. I might have to try meth just to forget it.
Peggy: No! The rats stay outside, we have an understanding that way. Plus it's kind of beautiful when you look out the window and there's a rat scurrying along the top of the fence, silhouetted by the moonlight. Makes you want to sing Bella Notte.
Meatbag: I'm embarrassed for my Evil Knievel blunder, but I can't change it now, because how will I ever learn if I do that? Oh well.
Jean: I'm mixing up the rats of Nimh with the characters from Watership Down now. Crap! How to reply?? *shuffles off to Buffalo*
Kim: I do know that an old-Hollywood silent film actress built this place, or lived here, or walked by once. But in any case, is there anything creepier than a silent film ghost?
Kurt: Or I can get an actual donkey to plug something in, because it would probably have the opposite effect and he'd turn around like, "Pardon me? Would you happen to have a watercress sandwich and some Earl Grey on hand?"
Chiefy: Or when the people before you lost interest in their remodel efforts, so that when you open the cabinet below the kitchen sink, you're all "Oh, hello back yard! Look, a shortcut!" <--true.
jenky: I have a swinging door to the kitchen, and man is it fun when kids come to visit. Their heads really do go BOINGGGG! like in cartoons. Survival of the fittest, little ones. Survival of the fittest.
Jen: Rats are everywhere, you know. Mine are just out of the closet, that's the only difference. The metaphorical closet, to be clear.
Mama W: Don't ever go into the attic. That's where cancer lives.
Miss Y: I replaced the sockets. This came about after an all-nighter spent ripping faux paneling off the wall, and every time I had to unscrew a switchplate, it'd be all BZZRT, and at one point I went "Ree-AWW" and had to kick to release the electricity. I will fly you out to see PeeWee if you promise NOT to send me Slim Jims. Holy heck, Miss Yvonne. Those things are illegal in LA, I think.
moooooog: Maybe I should attach labels to all of my boring appliances so I can better understand my home repair issues. "Your sandwich hasn't been replaced since 1986, and it's quiffing all over your basement. You have a scrotum leak that we need to patch up..."
Eva: Thanks, lady! I'm flattered for the second go-round.
Maxie: I like to neglect all the safety issues in my house, then blame the house for trying to kill me. It's kind of like suicide, but with more drama.
Lilu: I have no attention span for boring stuff, PLUS an auditory processing problem, so sometimes I'm just like, "No. Stop talking. You're wasting your time. It doesn't even sound like English anymore." Is that rude? I think it's okay if I hand them a beer while I'm saying it.
Tony: Totally. He got his doctorate in Yawn Studies at the College of Snooze City.
JMMW: No puppets, clowns, or dolls allowed in this house, ever.
Mandy: Ok, listen to this. This is how in denial I am about house problems. I DO have cm detectors, and they've been going off for months, but I thought they were smoke detectors with low batteries being assholes and beeping all the time like they always do. I hate smoke detectors, and I bashed one off the wall and to bits with a baseball bat a year ago. So I thought it was its brethren come to seek revenge by tormenting me with its incessant beeps. This morning I took a look and realized it looks different than the other detectors, and lo! It's been warning me all these months. The good thing is, though, that there's no vent in or near the bedroom, so that was lucky. But sometimes I curl up and write by the downstairs vent, and I can't tell you how many times I've said, "I get so tired in this chair. The heat makes me so cozy and drowsy!" Yikes!
OWO: Oh! Repairman porn! Lemme try. How about:
"Can you jerk me off while I fix your sink?" Too obvious?
kates: I have a yogurt-eating ritual too! Does your involve smearing it on your calves and letting your dogs lick it off? Mine doesn't.
Belle: I actually googled those dogs. Mine sleep all the time, but they're so boring with their positions. Those dogs are actors portraying the spirit of my dogs. And I'm a lazy google thief.
Daddy S: I don't! That sounds horrifyingly boring. I do have a sump pump I have to kick into action everytime it rains. I mean literally kick. Wake the fuck up and drain my shit, asshole!!
jbg: Thank you! I'm in a perpetual Top That dance-off with my blog posts.
yogachick: Oh, well, you know, *blush* I watch a lot of tv, and I eat a lot of junk food. It's hard, but I get by.
Gabby: It might just be the martinis. But the man in the truck might still be able to fix you up good. *wink* <---sexual innuendo
kate: I can almost hear the tranny dance music and the yipping dog every time I open the basement door.
Kellie: Rats are just like flightless birds, really. I've had rats as pets, so it seems weird to discriminate the homeless variety, even though they carry the Hanta virus and stuff. It's not their fault. It's not like I'm out there frenching them or anything.
Beck: Beckys are awesome from a lifetime of name abuse. We're survivors, all of us. And here's a laughing tip: If you groan, it helps disguise the laughter. Your coworkers might think you're masturbating, but at least they won't know you're reading blogs. Which one is worse?
Miss O: That is SO nice! You know, I bet commenters (including me) think nice comments like that go in one ear and out the other, but it really does make me happy to read that. I'm going to say nice things like that more often when they're due. Thank you! NOW who's spreading joy?
Erin: I'm glad I'm not too. I hate dead. It's so boring there. And I read "Danger!" with a hard g, like Dang-er. Sometimes words are hard.
Veg: I can kick the shit out of carbon monoxide! But yeah, I know, I'm laughing about it on the outside, but on the inside I feel like such an asshole for almost killing myself. And ps: That line is best when delivered with dead eyes and a blank expression.
Megs: Back in my previous, even-older house, someone (not me!) set a rat trap on top of the water heater in the basement, and it caught a rat, but only half way, so the rat screamed for what seemed like days, but what can you do, besides cover your head with a pillow and go to your happy place? By the next morning, we were all rolling our eyes, like, "Jesus, rat, quit with the drama already!"
Those aren't rats, Becky!
Those are squirrels!
They are supposed to live in trees and shrubs.
Duh!
It's fucking biology or something.
P.S. I actually LOL'ed about the electrical stuff while picturing it in my mind's eye.
However, it was kind of fuzzy, so maybe my mind's eye needs glasses.
I'd like to have a gate with a double personality but not the rats.
I'm positive this post is funny, and I would be laughing hysterically if I weren't sobbing about living in an old house.
Also, I'm really glad you're OK. Kind of sucks if your dogs stop being lethargic, though, because then, you'll have to play with them and feed them and stuff.
Do you have those turny knob light switches? We used to have some of those. I liked to pretend I was giving the room titty twisters.
But then, the electrician replaced those and, in the process, almost electrocuted himself because there was a live wire coming into the electric box. (Apparently, that's bad. He was all breathless with adrenaline when he told us, but I was all, "huh.")
We should start a support forum for old house owners.
At least you still have the Internet. Naughty Mice Hate Alimony be damned!
I wonder if carbon monoxide poisoning shortens your atten--ooh, look at the rat in that shrub!
2 words- Mighty Putty!
Glad you didn't die of monoxide poisoning and were able to post this PSA about why all the sudden when the Hubs is talking about fixing this, fixing that it kinda went in one ear and out the other. Now I know it's because I fell asleep in the middle of his Mr. Fix It speeches.
I have carbon monoxide leaking into my house, too. I like it. It's odorless and helps me sleep. Take that, Nyquil. I mean "take that nyquil". That adds to the experience. Didn't mean to use a comma. Sorry.
I'm nauseous from laughing so hard. Thank you.
I think soommeeeboooodddyyy needs to write a treatment for a new survivalist reality series. Hey Discovery Channel, forget Survivorman, you have pee rain and rats. Way more dangerous and kick ass, I think.
I hope after you took the pictures you put the stuffing back into those dogs.
Our house isn't old (I wish it was, and that it had a dumbwaiter and a laundry chute, and also a tiny pigeon-toed gardener who lives in the shed out back) but nothing in my house is put together right. The builders were stoned during the ten minutes it took to build the place.
My grandma's house has cloth covered wires and PUSH BUTTON light switches. Do you have buttons? I love those things.
I just don't know what to do with you. Love you or loathe you for being so ridiculously, ridiculously hilarious. I'll take suggestions.
I've been reading you for a while now, c/o Words Words Words and Beckeye. I'm pretty sure if you keep going with this blog you will get a book deal one day. But, then again, back in 2002 I was pretty sure RuPaul was a Jew, and that turned out to be completely false. Well, he's not Orthodox, at least.
Shouldn't this "carbon monoxide" be getting rid of your rat problem? I think that guy was full of it.
I'm going to force my wife to read this so she'll stop rolling her eyes at me. Then she'll probably suffocate me in my sleep, but we'll both know I was right and that this was funny.
I think that makes you an accessory to murder.
I am laughing so hard I'm crying, but really quietly so I don't wake everyone up. Electrical bitch slap will be my new favorite threat to all that displease me. Also, I'm now even more happy my husband's building our house from scratch. I had a toilet explode up the shower drain once, and I'm not ok with a repeat performance.
If there is an award for first blog post to make me laugh so hard I cried...and by cried I mean started sobbing uncontrollably, you just won it.
Ouch...it hurts.
http://www.theladyslounge.com
We had a gas leak for a really long time and LIT CANDLES to disguise the smell because we did not know it was gas. The fact that I'm not writing this from a mushroom cloud is miraculous. Although, writing this from a mushroom cloud would also be miraculous.
laughing and laughing and laughing and buying a carbon monoxide detector and laughing
You are such a survivor. I've been in the same situation before, only the pee flooding came from the first floor and just filled up my apartment on a weekly basis. Which would flood out the fire ants living under my carpet in the cracks in the foundation. Then I went to Mexico for vacation and I was much more happy to live with the pee and ants.
I totally want to rewire my apt to illicit random donkey kicks. I'm sure I can get some mobbed up electrician to say its up to code. This is Jersey, after all.
You're a wild woman living on the edge. Clearly.
Holy shit, you are funny.
I used to think I was funny until I started reading blogs like yours. Now I just sit in the corner and cry. And rock. Well, I alternate between crying and rocking. I'm not talented enough to do them both together.
I can't remember how I got to your blog the first time, but you're on the must-read list. I just sent this link to my husband (who is sitting 2 feet away from me but electronic communications is just so much EASIER) and he's over there laughing and I feel smug because I DISCOVERED YOU. Well, in this house anyway.
I have to get my smugness from somewhere... there certainly is no longer any smug about how funny I am. Dammit.
I live in an old house, too.
It rains brown nastiness through the bathroom ceiling, right under the part of the house that has no foundation. (just a wee corner of the place...) Also, sometime our roof leaks huge winged ants. I love old houses.
closing with the dogs is too fucking over the top ree*donk*yu*luss. really, the whole post is just too much...and will require a thorough and uninterrupted re-read. even this comment was interrupted, but only twice. i guess i should feel grateful for that.
that was hilarious.
another wonderful thing about living in an old house is bats. we had a colony of 500 female bats living in our attic every summer, which meant like 6 inches of guano a year. and the maggots that live in the guano. finally paid somebody over $5K to "exclude" them, which took MONTHS, because they're endangered so you can't harm them. did i make you feel lucky?
Normally I hate typing the letters "OMG" as a response to funny things, but OMG, your shit is so funny it makes me type like a vocabulary-challenged teenager. Raining pee in your hallway? The outlets making you donkey kick? Holy crap. I am still wiping the tears out of my eyes. Thanks for making my gray shitty Sunday a little bit more tolerable.
Ok, first I must have that second dog all sprawled out over the couch. It looks like a hand puppet and I would play with it endlessly. Unless it has shitbreath like my dogs do even though they get their teeth cleaned by the vet more frequently than I do. Though the last time I made an appointment he suggested I find a dentist for people but that's beside the point.
Second, I know exactly what you mean about that gas smoke smell in the basement! We have it, too. But don't worry about your measly 25 ppm of carbon monoxide! We bought a building almost a year ago that has over 5,000 ppm and just found out about it last week! Exciting stuff that.
Third, I have called every relative and friend I have and read 2 of your posts to them over and over again until we were crying: The one about your mom and your penis (never thought I'd type that out - to a chick no less) and the one linked to your dad's note in your lunch.
I so wish I could find that writer's voice that let's us all see what's hiding behind the fabulous sense of humor you have and I'm not just sucking up.
Maybe I've just inhaled too much smokey gas and should be going to sleep now....
How on earth did I end up here? Who added this blog to my rss reader?
I may have just scared the neighbours with my embarrassing hoots, that was hilarious!
The question is - do you get the furnace fixed so you don't end up dead - OR - is the leaking furnace actually the drug that enables you to write posts like this, and thus fixing it might kill of creativity.
No wait, I read the previous post about brothers, boogers and sex lines. It seems that you've been like this for a while.
We have cloth covered wires... and leaky pipes. And our furnace is broken. Hey... I think maybe I live in your basement.
..is that second dog still alive, or has it been skinned & laid out like a blanket?! A taxidermist's version of a Snuggie ((shudder))
I'm still stuck on your licking the air in the basement...my ADD just keeps reeling me back to that statement. I'm glad your not dead, that's a plus, eh?
I was born in a basement. This only furthers your point.
You are always funny, but sometimes you make me laugh out loud for about a half hour, and then I think about it later, when I'm just walking around, or eating peanut butter out of the jar, or just normal, everyday things, and I start laughing again to myself. This is why I'm getting your face tattooed on my bicep.
My toes feel less bendy....classic
dude. if you die are you an organ donor so that i can get your funny transplanted into me? also? can i have your corneas? no reason, just lookin for a change.
^ooo, look! i'm comment SIXXXXTY niner! like the sexual position. you know? like the one where everybody's all yin yangy *inappropriate wiggly eyebrows*
And I thought dog piss in the moulding was bad. At least it doesn't RAIN PEE around here!
youu are so funnnny
Falwless sent me over, I plan on coming by regularly!
That was pretty fucking brilliant.
Are you running every day? Check this out. www.dailymile.com
Holy crap. That is exactly what went through my head when Neil was talking about the 'strike at work' that 'might happen' over dinner again.
I was even trying to show him through my evasive movements and opening and closing each eyeball as I looked him in the eye with each of my eyeballs how boring this conversation was. Left eyeball... right eyeball... left... right..... poke out lips...think of monkeys.... laugh because monkeys are funny.
neil: Strike vote arbitration college something something
Me: Did you say masturbation?
OMFG. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a post. Ever. new favorite term: "thinky face". Tweeting this STAT. You can't stop me.
Not sure who mentioned this on Twitter (Mr. Lady maybe), but I decided to mosey on over here and read it. Laughed out loud.
That's it. You're on my Google Reader now.
"...and the one linked to your dad's note in your lunch."
Smumzie (or anyone), how do I find this?
--Ms. Bossy Boss
Hi Bossy Boss-- I think smumzie was talking about the post linked on my sidebar. Click on the pic on the right that looks like a note penned by Katherine Hepburn circa On Golden Pond.
Thanks, Steamy. That link led to a lovely post, and timely. I have my 84-year-old mother visiting right now, and I can't decide how I feel about her dementia. I can hardly wrap my head around it (that's my mom??), but she seems bothered not in the least. She is one happy camper.
--BB
I lived in an old house at one point that rained about nineteen gallons of pee that was NEON YELLOW. (I swear-to-Jesus that I have never urinated neon yellow. Or nineteen gallons' worth, for that matter.)
(Aside: I read this post in its entirety three times and laughed harder each time.)
You know what? I wanna find that post you did that was a three parter with links? I can't remember what it was about...for some reason I'm thinking cats? I'm gonna go looking...that was freaking brilliant!
Well, I can't find it dammit...do you know which one I'm talking about? I know you do...you're holding out for cash aren't you?
I did come across some good old "Dear Steamy" posts though that were fabulous!
http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com/2009/04/pee-or-kittehs-you-decide.html
That's the one that ends at sad lolcatz. Worst thing ever posted.
...and here's the other:
http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com/2009/05/hey-kids-puberty-be-illin-fo-shizzle.html
Love,
Steamy
Old houses are haunted which is also an adventure. Unless it's by my dead, boozy uncle. Then that's just a party.
I am coming out of lurkville. I have been reading your blog for a while now.
Those pictures of your dogs made me have a little pee storm of my own. Hilarious!
I love your blog.
The dutch: YAY! I LOVE DELURKERS!! Thank you for poking out of Lurkville. (Now I'm singing REM's "Don't go Back to Rockville". PO-king out of Lurkvi-iiillleee...) I went for a jog and I have a lot of energy YA!
And, because I get barfy when I feel dishonest, you should know I googled those dogs. Mine aren't droopy enough.
I guess I need to comment back now to everyone, out of principle. Maybe I will try nonsensical comments, because who's reading at this point? *armpit farts*
Ed: Squirrels live in holes, Ed. Like your mom. Who fell into her own vagina. She lives there now. It's a fixer-upper. Just go with it.
linlah: After trimming, have you ever had a stray pubic hair stuck up your clitoral hood? OUCH. Did I just make up the term "clitoral hood"? Possibly.
Sarah P: You're a live wire. I've got some turny-knob light switches for you. *wink* (Nipples.)
Sada: I think that carbon monotony, monopoly, mono--*stares at the wall*
Anon: To glue my gate shut? Or the rats to the shrub?
Toe: Men! Pssht. Let's kill all the men.
Whoa. Aaaand it's time for me to go to bed.
Been here first time....liked your stuff. So candid
Steamy, no need to keep coming clean about whose dogs those aren't. For those paying attention, the source and humor were clear!
--Ms. Bossy
My house doesn't affirm my life so much as try to kill me around corner, but I'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl. Plus, now I just avoid corners.
Ms. B: Those weren't my dogs. I googled them. To clarify, not my dogs. In conclusion, google images. :-)
Also, about the dementia. The moments of confused clarity, as I remember, were worse for everyone then the weeks at a time of complete lalahead. (<--you like? Can't think of the right word.) I know what you mean about how they seem happy, it is confusing because you want them to be coherent, but why? Happy is happy, right? Don't look a dementia-horse in the mouth, is how I decided to think of it. I watched my aunt die last year of cancer, miserably and perfectly aware and angry. I'll take the lalahead anyday.
Wow i jsut discovered this blog and I am still laughing from that ppost - brilliant. I am your newest follower
Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com
Love this post. I live in downtown Denver, and the houses around here are old and drafty- always need repairs. I'm moving to the suburbs where the homes are new and the culture is dead.
Wow that guy totally saved your life! He should give you a reward for that!
I have tears and snot literally streaming down my face from that laughing fit. Seriously thought I might pee here on the couch from howling so much! Oh my goodness. I have NEVER laughed so hard in my life. My lungs made these weird noises - like half laugh and half - help that woman she must be dying.
I am so glad I wasn't in Starbucks reading this post. How embarrassing!
Gary Busey? *bark laugh* Well, I've been barking and laughing in recognition throughout the whole damn thing. I always point out the black smears on the back door- soot from when my son got into the dead fireplace then tried to escape my wrath through the dog door. Or the big stain on my basement floor caused by my mother overflowing my toilet with Shitzilla.
Ahhhhh, home.
This entire post? Is hilarious.
I don't know who you are but I want to marry you now. With your dogs and your rats and your house of the raining pee. I <3 you.
THE. BEST. THING. I'VE. READ. in like aeons!
And yeah, old houses, WTF? do they roll over and die at some point? Do we ever learn and just put them out to pasture to save our wallets?
Well I can thank the inscrutable Christopher Moore for sending me here.
I was going to e-mail you, but I'm not wearing a shirt. Maybe next time.
You are a sick girl. I hope you never get help.
:)
Oh. My. God. I just had the *best* BM. Now there's room for toast.
Your dogs do not seems like they are doing so good - you should poke them to be sure they are ok and if that doesn't work, maybe check to see if they have worms or bad gums - believe me i know dogs and what can happen - my dog is dead. Also you seem to have a great personaility - how do you come up with those jokes? - do you take lsd or something? - are you on lsd now? - if you are, dont bother answering this message, just have a 'good trip' (wink) - maybe we can get together sometime and see if any 'sparks' fly - i had a girlfriend once but i don't anymore. I could come to your house - do you have any movies on DVD we could watch? What is your favorite shade of yellow ( mustard?!! ) -I can bring some popcorn and duct tape. I hope you have some Folgers coffee.
ps: I forgot to tell you that my name is Norton and you can twitter me # righty_o .
-I have a great feeling about us... u too?
Ur fren, Norton.
OMG that was so very funny... nuff said
Linked over here from the LG Report. THANK YOU for the loudest, longest laugh I've enjoyed in a while. I'm about to send this link to a few folks who probably heard me just now...
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