Mom: Oh no. It was pretty easy. No drugs or anything.
Me: Did you cut the cord? Or did dad do it?
Mom: Um...I think the doctor did it.
Me: When the doctor told you I had both a penis and a vagina, was it hard to choose which gender to assign to me?
Mom: Becky.
Me: What was the weather like that day? Do you remember?
Mom: Becky.
Me: Hmm?
Mom: You are not a hermaphrodite.
Me: But if I was, I bet you wouldn't even tell me.
Mom: I think you'd be able to figure it out yourself. Anyway, by this point, you'd need hormone supplements.
Me: Oh really? Is that what the pamphlets said?
Mom: Becky, you've never had a penis.
Me: You tend to gloss over the difficult issues, mom. If I was born a hermaphrodite, I think you might have gone into a deep denial about it. I think that's what's happening here.
Mom: I might gloss over things here and there, true. It would be hard to gloss over giving birth to a baby girl with a penis, though. I bet I would remember that pretty well.
Me: Would you though? Would you? *squinty eyes* Would you?
....
Me: Think about it.
...
Me: Would you?
...
Me: *suspicious eyes*
Mom: *chews sandwich*
Me: *raises eyebrows*
Mom: *sips tea*
Me: You are one tough nut to crack, you know that?
Mom: Is this about your shoulders again? Broad shoulders are very attractive, you know. Why do you think women wear shoulder pads in their jackets?
Me: They don't.
Mom: Oh. *absentmindedly touches her shoulder*
Me: You need me to cut those out later?
Mom: If you have time, yeah.
Me: I'm just grumpy I think. I don't feel very girly sometimes.
Mom: I think what's happening right now is that you're wearing your uncomfortable bra again.
Me: I am. This bra makes me so angry! I want to break out of it like The Hulk. *sticks fists under shirt into bra cups and pushes outwards* Arrrghhhh!!!
Mom: See? You're just having a bad bra day. You are the girliest girl I ever did see. There is nothing manly about you.
Me: Other than my broad shoulders and my penis stump.
Mom: Actually, I think they construct a clitoris out of the penis.
Me: Oh, good God. No. Ok, there are, like, 5 things on my plate I can't eat now. Baby corn, button mushrooms, asparagus, cherry tomatoes, this gherkin pickle needs to go away...
Mom: Why? What's wrong?
Me: Don't say clitoris ever again. Nobody should ever have to hear their mom say "clitoris". Or at least say it with the emphasis on the second syllable. Your way sounds so...Julie Andrews.
Mom: When have you ever heard Julie Andrews say the word clitoris?
Me: I'm pretty sure she says it that way. Like, Juuuussssst aaaaa spoonful of sugar helps the CLItoris, go down....
Mom: But then there's: Nobody solves a problem like cliTORiiiiis.....So, who's to say?
Me: The nuns sing that one, not Julie Andrews. My argument stands.
Mom: Wow. You should have been a lawyer, really.
Me: Did you save my extra penis skin? You should tell me. I might need a graft one day.
Mom: I think I pressed it into your "Baby's First Memories" book.
Me: ....
...
*shudder*
...
Me: Bravo.
Mom: Thank you.
