Mom: Oh no. It was pretty easy. No drugs or anything.
Me: Did you cut the cord? Or did dad do it?
Mom: Um...I think the doctor did it.
Me: When the doctor told you I had both a penis and a vagina, was it hard to choose which gender to assign to me?
Mom: Becky.
Me: What was the weather like that day? Do you remember?
Mom: Becky.
Me: Hmm?
Mom: You are not a hermaphrodite.
Me: But if I was, I bet you wouldn't even tell me.
Mom: I think you'd be able to figure it out yourself. Anyway, by this point, you'd need hormone supplements.
Me: Oh really? Is that what the pamphlets said?
Mom: Becky, you've never had a penis.
Me: You tend to gloss over the difficult issues, mom. If I was born a hermaphrodite, I think you might have gone into a deep denial about it. I think that's what's happening here.
Mom: I might gloss over things here and there, true. It would be hard to gloss over giving birth to a baby girl with a penis, though. I bet I would remember that pretty well.
Me: Would you though? Would you? *squinty eyes* Would you?
....
Me: Think about it.
...
Me: Would you?
...
Me: *suspicious eyes*
Mom: *chews sandwich*
Me: *raises eyebrows*
Mom: *sips tea*
Me: You are one tough nut to crack, you know that?
Mom: Is this about your shoulders again? Broad shoulders are very attractive, you know. Why do you think women wear shoulder pads in their jackets?
Me: They don't.
Mom: Oh. *absentmindedly touches her shoulder*
Me: You need me to cut those out later?
Mom: If you have time, yeah.
Me: I'm just grumpy I think. I don't feel very girly sometimes.
Mom: I think what's happening right now is that you're wearing your uncomfortable bra again.
Me: I am. This bra makes me so angry! I want to break out of it like The Hulk. *sticks fists under shirt into bra cups and pushes outwards* Arrrghhhh!!!
Mom: See? You're just having a bad bra day. You are the girliest girl I ever did see. There is nothing manly about you.
Me: Other than my broad shoulders and my penis stump.
Mom: Actually, I think they construct a clitoris out of the penis.
Me: Oh, good God. No. Ok, there are, like, 5 things on my plate I can't eat now. Baby corn, button mushrooms, asparagus, cherry tomatoes, this gherkin pickle needs to go away...
Mom: Why? What's wrong?
Me: Don't say clitoris ever again. Nobody should ever have to hear their mom say "clitoris". Or at least say it with the emphasis on the second syllable. Your way sounds so...Julie Andrews.
Mom: When have you ever heard Julie Andrews say the word clitoris?
Me: I'm pretty sure she says it that way. Like, Juuuussssst aaaaa spoonful of sugar helps the CLItoris, go down....
Mom: But then there's: Nobody solves a problem like cliTORiiiiis.....So, who's to say?
Me: The nuns sing that one, not Julie Andrews. My argument stands.
Mom: Wow. You should have been a lawyer, really.
Me: Did you save my extra penis skin? You should tell me. I might need a graft one day.
Mom: I think I pressed it into your "Baby's First Memories" book.
Me: ....
...
*shudder*
...
Me: Bravo.
Mom: Thank you.
81 comments:
I wanted to leave a clever comment but all I could come up with was "You put the 'marphrod'in 'hermaphrodite'" because 'marphrod' tickles my nose like bubbles when I say it.
My parents chose wrong too, apparently.
Dude, I got really obsessed with ambiguous genitalia (it's kind of common!) and gender-reassignment surgery in college. Apparently the laws are so lax on disclosure that doctors frequently don't even tell the parents they're choosing a sex and operating on the baby.
That, plus the phrase "it's easier to dig holes than build poles" basically doomed me forever to being suspicious about my friends' "It's a girl!" announcements. 'cause, like, dude, how do you know for sure?!
I never watch Sound of Music the same way again.
This post is un-comment-able. Congrats. Oh, and you're so lucky to have a mom who will discuss the correct pronounciation of female genitalia with you. When I was 10, my mom threw "Where Did I Come From" on my bed and ran out of the room. And that was the last any of THAT was spoken of.
Im glad you and your mom discuss such things
It's important to discuss things with our mothers. Like the clitoris. And penis skin.
Is it safe to say that when women are in bad moods it's because of bad bra days and Aunt Flo?
I am obsessed with those Discovery Health specials about hermaphrodites! And micropenis pictures. I don't know why.
Is it possible to revive penis skin after it's been pressed in a baby book?
Kurt: You put the phd in marphod. *shrug*
TKOG: Mine started in college too. Mainly because I took a class called "Gender and equality" that turned out to be mainly about hermaphrodites. All my friends took the sex class where they got to look at orgasms all day, but it filled up quickly, so I got the hermaphrodite class. Story of my life. (Not really.)
Mobius: I can ruin The Sound of Music in so many ways, I haven't even begun.
Jen: I got the same book! I don't remember having "the talk" either, until she found my collection of erotic boob-feeling stories when I was 9. (See sidebar for more info)
Ashy: Are you? *squinty eyes* Are you?.....Are you?
Cervixy: Is it? *squinty eyes* Is it though?...Is it?
Tony: No. That is not safe. Not safe at all. We are in bad moods because of something you did. You better just apologize and make us some toast.
Sarah: If she would sing it, I think it would be a lot more bearable. You find the fun and *snap!* the job's a game!!
linlah: Maybe soak it in the sink, the one of those foam sponge animals that come in plastic capsules?
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love your version of family time.
Maybe you could become a professional wrestler... It worked for Chynna.
And I will never look at button mushrooms the same again.
Please let this comment serve as formal notification that Smumzie is now your number one fan. Others may have thought they were in the past but as of now, the position has been taken via hostile takeover.
We actually chortled. Out loud.
Smumzie *never* LsOL.
Must tell everyone. we've. ever. met. about you.
Carry on.
its not too late to decide to go all boy Becky. I'm sure you could find a pamphlet about it.
i swear to blog every time i wear a thong i am grumpy allll day. my bras are pretty comfy, but thongs should be illegal.
also your mom is awesome.
also im never sure if these conversations are real or fiction, and which i would prefer.
I'm really glad I don't have a penis...mini or otherwise. It would be all jangled up in my pant leg...I don't know how guys can stand it.
Kim: I published my comment back before I got yours, then I commented back to you separately and misspelled "google" and had to delete it. The internets is trying to keep us apart, Kim.
Ben: You are an honorary member, after that Flashdance water scene.
Libby: I DO wrestle, actually. When I'm drunk, but it counts. And I kick ass.
Smumz: You'll have to fight Peggy for the title. Peggy? Where's Peggy?
Prosy: I just want answers, Prosy. Just the truth. I like being a girl, I just want answers.
Cap: Oh, are you kidding me? My hermaphroditic baby-penis would have been tremendous. Unwieldy and formidable. Pew!Pew!Pew!!
Miss Y: Well, look at you with your tiny penised ex bf. Apparently someone IS into gnome porn. Eh? EH? <---Why does nobody think this is funny but me??
lusty: Anything constrictive makes me grumpy. That's why I dress like an athlete, even though I just sit on the computer all day.
Peggy: I know! Where do you put it? Straight up? To the side? Fold it like an accordion?? Origami crane??
Going like 60: Did you watch Two and a Half Men on Monday too? You sound like me after Two and a Half Men. Also, thank you very much. :-)
Incredible!
Fucking awesome.
Ok regarding pronunciation: I prefer to hear it, if I must, as
klit-OR-iss.
Is the Julie Andrews way more like
KLIT-err-iss.
hahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Mum hid the fact I had a thripple until I was about 14. I asked if I could have it cut off but the Dr said it would only be necessary if I had a future as a bikini model which clearly wasn't the case - **poof** there went my Sports Illustrated front cover dream!
Thanks. Now I'm never going to become a vegetarian. Unless I do shrooms again, then suddenly all vegetables become YUMMY phalic symbols.
Not to say that yours isn't yummy but I don't play on that team.
I wonder if Julie Andrews is gay?
Oh god, I have to stop, this is just all kinds of wrong.
I have some medical training and would be willing to get to the bottom *ahem* of this for you.
Seriously though, your mom is fun.
I bet she's a TIGER in the sack..... what with her shoulder pads and cliTORis.
Major admiration for Peggy here for the phrase "all jangled up in your pant leg". It's too bad guys can't just wind it up like a little cinnamon bun and rest it on the seam in the middle. I'm all for symmetry.
I'm worried now - my mom's a good secret-keeper. What if I'm really a Victor? Also, there's no male version of your name, so can I call you "Steamerino"? Let me know.
That's the most hysterical thing I have read in quite some time...
...and that's all I've got.
my mother would totally do the same thing. i mean about the whole penis as a baby cover-up. i think we have our topic for tonight. mabes it'll take our minds off the elephant in the room.
I think the humongous-poop picture in a previous post pretty (how that for alliteration?) much proves that you are half man. Yeah, your cutesy girly voice ain't fooling anybody, sweetheart.
My stomach is turning, but that's what I come here for! Penis skin pressed into memory books!
Your mom sounds awesome. Because she wears shoulder pads, which screams '80s to me. Your mom is like Ally Sheedy, if she grew up and had a hermaphrodite child.
There are lots of funny things about this post, but I think penis stump is my favorite. Penis stump! Classic!
i now feel the need to drive all the way to NJ to check and make sure there is not a penis stump/skin in my baby book. GAAAH.
Now I can totally see where you get your wicked good sense of humor. Well played Becky's Mom! Bravo indeed!
Claire: *float wave*
Magda: Exactly. The Julie Andrews way is so clippy, like she has a task to undertake in your pants. "Your CLItoris seems peckish today, madam!"
Grace: Thanks!
Karls: Triple the fun, baby.
Mad Woman: I bet Julie Andrews can pull a full floor lamp out of her vagina.
Ed: I do believe you just challenged me to a special swordfight. Enguarde!!
Vic: Or retract it into itself like a jack in the box. Give it another million years, I bet they'll evolve a storage device. And I'm jealous of "jangled".
Jeney: Thank you! And welcome!
Eva: Eh, we do ok.
MLB: The "Was I Born a Boy?" discussion is the ultimate distractor. You're welcome.
OEM: I HAD to comment back to preserve my poop's dignity. That was my BROTHER'S poop, and then I posted my DOG'S poop. Never mine. Except the post where I crapped glitter and butterflies. That was mine. Jesus, there is a lot of poop on this blog.
Just.Kate: I made myself a little sick with this one. I had to go downstairs and eat a tortilla to settle it down. I'm not kidding.
Beck: My mom is kind of Diane Keaton meets Mary Tyler Moore. I'm the Breakfast Club pre-makeover Sheedy. Also, I don't believe we've discussed this, but I'm an 80's queen. We should have an 80's off.
Amanda: Penis stump makes me laugh, but also kind of sad because it remind me of The Giving Tree. My penis stump gives and gives and gives til it has nothing left. Come, Amanda, come rest on my penis stump. <--best tranny pick-up line ever.
Alice: I've always got my eye peeled for penis skin. That's why I never eat the ginger that comes with sushi. You never know.
Kellie: I got my mom's sense of humor, and my dad's penis. I mean...not the actual penis. Where's my awkward moments cricket?
Oh man this is my dream conversation. I'm pretty sure I never had a penis but I do have the shoulders and tiny man hips and well...the last time I wore a dress was probably 1985 and I was FORCED. But now you've got me questioning myself. What if I DID have a penis and I've just blocked it out? I mean it could be pickled in a jar somewhere like a morbid souvenir at my mum's house, locked in the closet like what happened to the kid in "The Wasp Factory". That would suck.
My mom would start crying if I ever had a conversation like that with her.
Oh, this post made me miss my mother SO much! THESE are the kinds of conversations we used to have on a regular basis. (RIP, Mom. You woulda loved Steamy at least as much as *I* do.)
Also I think you might have a lot in common with my husband. Your humor and your broad shoulders and your enormous poo remind me of him so very much!
And he, too, is hung like a squirrel.
I love baby gherkin pickles. Actually, I love all pickles. Mmmm pickles.
dude sound of music reference, incredible. you are freakin hilarious!!!
You just finished reading "Middlesex" didn't you.
**SNORT**
This is so damn funny. Hmmmm, I am trying to picture a mini peepee that looks like a button mushroon.
So, if you happen to have taken a photo.....
xoxo
i want whatever drugs you're on.
I encourage you to encourage your Mom to start blogging. And/or send me a few sexy polaroids.
I couldn't stop laughing while reading this. Seriously, I love your mom. The bravo... classic. Kudos for recognizing greatness... and you are so fucking weird.
What if you had been born with TWO VAGINAS? One could contain a CLItoris and one could boast a cliTORis. You should talk to your mom about this.
p.s. Yes, I think you can--and should--"boast" a clitoris.
How do you solve a problem like cliTORiiis?
...
Well?
...
*squinty eyes*
If ever there was a blog that would have been a great VLOG, this is the one! Awesome story! I wish I could talk to my mom like that, but she's just not ready to open up about her decision to make me a boy. Ah well, nothing weird about being a guy with breasts, now is there?
I love that your mom blames your "issues" on having a bad bra day. AWESOME!
Wait a minute..wait a minute.
Your mom can't say 'clitoris' but she CAN say 'hermaphrodite?'
This completely renders half of the discussions with my mom during my formative years moot.
Another side-splitter, Becky. Thank you. Although having spent last night at ante-natal classes with wifey, it raises some worrying ideas....
I meant the glitter/flower poop. Regardless of the bedazzling, that was still a man sized load (both Frankenfinger and I were duly impressed...to be honest, I suspect it was a bit of a blow to his masculinity). NOTHING beat that mucusey dog poop, though. DAAAMMMN.
Wow that's like a R-rated Gilmore Girls conversation - Love It!
I'm a second syllable accentuator when it comes to clitori, but when you make it plural it makes sense to accent the first syllable. Is there a plural of clitoris? I'm sure there's rarely a need for it unless you have several vaginas, but it's good to be prepared.
I have always found hermaphrodites (hermaphrodism?) exceptionally funny. (Apologies to Jamie Lee Curtis.) (And you, now, I suppose.)
Yeah suckaz..I'm number 61!! Whoot!
"Nobody solves a problem like cliTORiiiiis....."
Best.Line.Ever.
The '80s-off is ON!
Uhhhhh....
How do we do this?
The missus sent me out to get some button mushrooms yesterday.
I could't find them anywhere.
She was ever so disappointed.
Great. Now I'm going to be substituting clitoris into every song. I better listen to the Jesus station today.
Your mom completely OWNED you on that one.
Heh.
Your mom.
Oh Becky (you hear that from the guys a lot, right?). I can't read all 67 comments. They can't be as funny and entertaining as this post anyway. I bow to your bloggy greatness.
What I wouldn't do with a penis stub...
Standing on Santa Monica and Wilcox in stilletos and a belly shirt would be on the top of my list. Along with peeing in garbage cans, while standing up.
But did she dry it out first? Like those raisin commercials where they used to show them outside shrivel-
I'm done.
You have the best mom ever. Mostly because she mailed me your penis skin for a science project.
oh and the line from The Sound of Music is 'HOW do you solve a problem like clitoris....'
You would have made a much girlier boy than you are a boyish girl. And you grew up before it was cool to act like a gay. So Mom chose wisely.
Are you sure you don't have a hermaphrodite twin somewhere that went the other route? Your mom seems to know a lot about it.
I heart your mom.
For Christmas, I received two (count 'em, TWO!) copies of Julie Andrews's autobiography, Home (as my adoration of Dame JUlie is well-noted amongst friends and family). In it, she stops short of saying KLIT-er-iss, but there is a passage wherein she describes singing as nigh-on sexual, and actually uses the word "climax".
And in the movie, Duet For One with Max von Sydow, she says "fucking" twice. It rocked my world.
I love this blog so much I want to stab myself with a fork. I'm kinda immature that way.
It's OK- I'll make up for my insecurity by showing more boob.
[sigh] We concede that Peggy has been around long before we found you and perhaps she has earned the position on merit.
But we're on a mission to become a contender! Peggy, as soon as we get our light saber back from the dealer, it's on. WoMANo on WoMANo. (a little girl on girl action is always appropriate on posts about hermaphrodites).
You ready for it? *squinty eyes* Are you?
I have lived 44 years and have never used the c word in front of my mother and plan on leaving it that way until one of us is gone and then still, okay one of is will be gone by then so it is a moot point but...I'm gonna stop now
There's no polite way to bring up penis nubbin during bedroom talk. Thank god for that scrapbook.
If your mom ever wants to give you up for adoption, tell her I'm available as her new daughter. Kay?
I might be in love wit your mom... I'm just saying.
http://www.theladyslounge.com
if this is the type of conversation you engage in when you have that bra on, then you should wear that bra more often - i giggled joyfully.
http://www.afraidtoask.com/images/infared.gif
This lovely infrared animated illustration made me think of you, Steamy. I wish I could figure out how to download it to an electronic picture frame because I could watch that puppy go up and down and turn from cool blue green to SPICY WEINER RED all day long.
Also, that website? It shows you how to measure your penis. Grab a ruler and ask your mom to break out the baby book.
Caroline: How do I make that my avatar? It's cool...then it's burning hot habanero cock!! Yow! I wish boobs did that when aroused.
A ruler isn't going to help with my penis skin, unfortunately. I found the baby book, and dried penis skin is hanging out on all sides like a peach fruit roll-up, flapping about and picking up dust. My penis was truly man-glorious.
I've been peeling off chunks and sticking them in the dogs' Kong balls. They love jerky.
I don't usually do this, but I read through all of the comments and your replies to comments. I have to say it is very admirable that you answer all of them. It seems like it would be a full time job doing that. No wonder you have man shoulders. It's from punching keyboards all day.
In any case, I was just curious how many would mention "Penis Envy". None that I could find. You would think it would sort of stand out, pardon the pun. It's just a phase Becky. You should grow out of it around age 4 or so. And if you don't, well you'll always have those shoulders.
dude. that is just so wrong. I tried to apply that conversation to me and my mom. I passed out.
words: I guess, on a spectrum, I lean more towards girly than boyish. I think I have a complex because boys in high school would tease me relentlessly about my shoulders. Awkward silence after moment of sincere disclosure. *whistles and wanders away*
Keely: I'm not ruling anything out, honestly. My hermaphrodite twin would look like David Spade, I think. Or Tina Yothers.
Sharon: I would love to hear Julie say the eff word, all clippy and proper. It would probably scare me into cleaning the house. I don't know why. I think I just assume Julie likes things tidy.
Happy Hour Sue: Welcome! A spork works better, the serrated side helps make the bad feelings go away.
smumzie: Light saber vs windmill arms? Seems like a stacked fight. Get it? Cause of boobs.
bernthis: You should just throw it into conversation as a random word replacement, and she how she reacts, like "Can you open this jar of clitoris for me?" and when she asks you to repeat, you say, "Can you open this jar of pickles for me?" Do it several times a day and then she'll start to think she's going crazy.
Meghan: Well maybe not. Maybe he'd be so turned on by how much bigger his looks by comparison.
Mandy: I read your comment in my sleep, and I can't even tell you what I thought you wrote. So much confusion...
Lady's Lounge: I'll let her know!
joey: I will do anything to not wear a bra, ever. I have serious bra issues.
Keeping YA: My man-penis was glorious, I'm sure. They probably amputated it because the doctors were all jealous. Let's go with that theory.
Caroline: I answered you above bc I was too excited over infrared dick and got impatient.
Josh: thank you for noticing the comments back. I'm not sure anyone even comes back to check! Why am I here then? I think because I want to write and I have nothing to post about. Sometimes its just easier this way. I had the whole penis envy thing in the back of my mind, but you're right, it is weird that it never came up. It seems like the logical jump.
Chrisy: Does it make you feel uncomfortable to think about talking about clitori with your mom? You know your mom has a clitoris, right? Your dad probably rubbed it all the time. Also, welcome!
I subscribe to the comments! Poor Chrisy on that last one...probably never knew what hit her.
Hi, thanks for that. I'm now choking on my own spit. I mean, that's really a daily event in my life, but now more so than ever. I'm glad I'm not the only one that talks about fucked up shit with their mom. I'm still waiting for the day she comes back with something instead of just a.) giving me that "really?" look or b.) cracking up to the point of tears.
Send me a link to your mom's blog. Please.
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