Me: No, Magical Holiday Snowscape 2009 was awesome. But still, I think I can do better.
Me: I think I might actually open the bag of snow this year.
Sister: Oooh, that'll look nice! What about Keith?
Me: Yeah? What about Keith?
Keith the Holiday Wasp.
Entombed under this glass since
shortly before his untimely death last year.
Sister: He's still there? In that same spot?
Me: Like, I don't know, just alone things. Masturbating?
Me: Um, yeah he's still there! Where else would he be? He's the star of my nativity scene!
Sister: Listen. I don't want to intrude on your "vision", but I don't think using a dead wasp to play the Baby Jesus in your nativity scene is very festive, and frankly it borders on sacrilegious. I think it's time to throw Keith in the trash.
Me: Do I look like I'm in the business of removing dead bodies? Um, no. Not my job. I'm the captain of my own ship, and that's it. Live and let live, that's my motto.
Sister: Captain of... live and let...what? Becky, you killed him. You trapped him under the glass and he died.
Me: Right. The "live" part of that motto applies to me only. Keith was a wasp, which according to science means he had a sword in his butt. He left me no other choice but to take his air away. If someone broke into your house threatening you with a sword in their butt, you'd take their air away too.
Sister: Okay, well. At least take the glass off him, he's not going anywhere.
Me: I did already! See?
Sister: Oh yeah, you did! And there he is! Hello Keith! You're looking quite hand...some...uh, Becky?
Me: Yeah?
Sister: What's that?
Me: What? Oh, that's Chantal, Keith's corpse bride. She just got here last week.
Sister: (SIGH)
Me: Right. Could you... I'm sorry to be a pain... but could you not breathe out so deeply? They're very brittle. Anyhow, Chantal died on her back, see? Keith died standing up, I think because of honor.
Sister: He died standing up, did he? That's amazing. Say, what have we here on the floor? Tweezers?
Me: Oh, yeah, the light... the light is really good in here, for... eyebrow plucking.
Sister: Two pairs of tweezers?
Me: One for each eyebrow.
Sister: ...
Me: He died standing up.
Sister: Sure. He died this way. Standing up. Next to these tweezers. Becky? What's been going on in here?
Me: Not someone playing with dead things, that's for sure.
Sister: Have you been getting enough "people time" lately?
Me: *shrug* People are stupid.
Sister: Oh, no. This is like that time with the finger puppets all over again. What is this, like, dead wasp theater or something?
Me: Dead wasp what? No! What? No! Pfft. What are you even... that doesn't even make sense! These are dead things! Why would I play with dead things? I don't even...pfft, whatever.
Sister: You are. You're totally playing with dead wasps.
Me: I swear on Jesus Christ Almighty himself that I am most definitely, without a doubt, NOT playing with dead wasps.
Dead Wasp Theater presents
KEITH and CHANTAL
in
JERRY MAGUIRE
Me: But if, hypothetically, I were playing with dead wasps in my living room, I don't see anything wrong with that.
Sister: Maybe you just need to get out. How about I take you out to lunch. Huh? Sound good? Fresh air? Sunshine?
Me: Daylight burns my eyes.
Sister: Come on.
Me: I'm really busy here.
Sister: I'll stay and help you!
Me: No. It's the kind of stuff I can do better alone.
Sister: Oh, really. Alone things? Like what?
ACCESS HOLLYWOOD:
UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS,
KEITH AND CHANTAL
Keith and Chantal Play Couples Charades
Me: Like, I don't know, just alone things. Masturbating?
Sister: You need me to go so you can masturbate?
Me: Apply to law school?
Sister: You're gonna masturbate then apply to law school. You're a regular Johnny-on-the-spot with excuses, you know that?
And now, the world premiere of
the Lifetime Original Movie
A DIFFICULT TRUTH
starring KEITH and CHANTAL
Me: (Sigh.) Alright fine. Please leave so I can play imagination games with my dead wasp friend Keith and his corpse bride Chantal.
Sister: Was that so hard?
Me: Don't slam the door on your way out. Last time the draft blew Keith clear across the room.
Dead Wasp Theater proudly presents...
KEITH AND CHANTAL
in
THE GRADUATE
81 comments:
YAY! You're back!
Lost it in my history class when I read "The Graduate" one...
I have a whole collection of these in my classroom. I'll send them to you. You could make a neighborhood.
Sacrilicious!
Let it Bee.
This was a welcome laugh for the morning.
That is some fantastic photography there. You have a talent for shooting wildlife. A gift, I'd say.
I've a theory of how serial killers are born. And you've hit every marker, well done!
Also, I decided to forego breakfast today, thanks for that. :)
:-) You know, I rarely laugh out loud when I read, but when I do, I get the feeling it's going to be a great day.
Today is going to be a great day.
Pearl
p.s. You are totally goofy, you know that, right?
And not a single WASP joke. Impressive.
Suck THAT, Kurt. I'm so glad the wasps won out.
It's really all about the artsy Dustin Hoffman shot for me.
I about lost it at the addition of the fly "doll". Also, your perfect recapturing of The Graduate movie poster is spectacular. Bravo madam, bravo.
I bet you could garner some ticks from Juanita for Keith and Chantal's children.
it was like a day at the wasp cinema and it was totally boss. you've done for chantal what jennifer lopez did for latinas in selena! chantal's stage mom's gonna put her on the hollywood diet now.
The sword butted bastard got what he had coming. JMHO
Way to come back with a bang!!
I laughed so freakin hard at this post. You seriously crack me up.
I think we should hang out sometime. Hehe.
This was as good as the parp and cake blogs at Hyperbole and a Half! You need to sell Keith dolls next. ;)
Your sister doesn't know what art is.
I think Chantal's delivery is a bit wooden. I think we both knowhow she got cast. (*Realizes I just implied you fucked a dead wasp. Slowly backs away from keyboard. Re-thinks decision to comment with a roofie hangover.*)
Off the rails is where your brilliance lies, Becks. Brava!
Be sure and add the disclaimer at the bottom of all of your still-shot cinematics: No wasps were harmed during the photography of this film, "Fun with Necrophilia." Well, okay, maybe their dignity was shredded a little.
OMG we should totally have Keith and Chantal hook up with my ladybug production of "Glee." Kind of like what Gwyneth Paltrow is doing by guest starring except I'm pretty sure the ladybugs outweigh her.
Also..Hitler has made a surprise resurgence on my blog today..the day YOU COME BACK!
Coincidental timing?
Probably.
Are you taking requests? I'd like to see "A Rose For Chantal."
Or how about Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas?
haha
Bizarre yet amusing post, once again.
I love you.
You complete me.
Soft N: Why thank you, sir! And I'm back only briefly, the daylight is burning my flesh and that cave isn't gonna occupy itself if you catch my drift.
Jules: Like Sims, with wasps! I don't know why I never thought of this back in elementary school when I was making all those dioramas all the time. Roman army wasps would've been A plus material.
THE Jules: Herestastic!
Lee: Do I make you hornet?
Bell: Thank you, I'm glad you laughed!
Jen O: I had to shoot that last one upside down because my camera phone couldn't get the right angle. Listen to me with my behind-the-scenes commentary.
Veg: Yeah, I suppose just being a blogger is probably one of the warning signs, huh?
Pearl: I AM goofy! You are too, though. I'm honored that you laughed, really. You're no lol whore.
Nicki: Here it is: "And when I refer to my dead holiday wasp, I'm not talking about Nana. She's doing fine, don't worry about her."
Elly Lou: Yeah, the one out of focus spindly leg kills me. If I do say so.
Kristy: *deep bow* Thanks, madam. The fly doll was the only thing that grossed me out about this whole thing. I don't think it was dead enough.
Lilu: I have a whole army of termite extras ready to go, too.
MLBecky: And have you seen the size of Chantal's waist? She's so slender!! *sucks in air, runs hand down belly* Does my thorax look flabby?
Venom: Exactly. I would do it again if I had to. Although, I'm running out of drinking glasses.
Jumble M: Yay I'm glad you laughed! What was the "hehe" for? Are you going to kill me?
Calandreya: Maybe a sexy Keith calendar?
CupcakeLiz: Word to your comment.
Kurt: Well she DID die laying on her back. And her arms ARE folded across her chest, which I had thought was kind of a self-hug, but maybe she was just trying to keep her boobs from slipping under her armpits? I heard girls do that sometimes during sex.
Back in a sec!
Quite possibly the best thing I have ever seen in a blog, involving deceased insects. Encore! Encore!
I just put my head on my desk and laughed until I cried. My husband had no comment.
I love dead animal theater, and this is one of the best examples I've seen in years!
About 15 years ago, I got a camcorder (remember those?) and one of the first things I did is made a movie with a dead mouse on a stick. *SPOILER ALERT* In the end, he gets shot with a nailgun. Now I just have to find that, figure out how to put it on a computing machine, and publish it. You have inspired me once again!
Anyway, yeah--the Graduate still is kickass!
I would have loved a Gone With the Wind interpretation following your sister's slamming of the door. So glad you're back!
Oh, man! The fly one had me bawling! But I'm going to be honest with you, Steamy. This post scared the poopulah out of me. Bees, wasps, hornets, whatever scare me more than anything. Some people say that that makes me racist against Yellow people and Black people, but that's a story for another day...mainly because it doesn't make sense and I just made it up.
I totally guessed it was Twilight too! Keith! You and me...we're like, charades twinsies. Except one of us has a sword in his butt and the other totally pretends the spider web on her living room lamp is a secret world that only fairies and goblins can visit. Kind of like Narnia. Except on a lamp instead of a in a closet.
*sigh*
You're the only one who gets me, Keith.
How about a remake of The Fly? You've got your lead character already!
Cineme Verite. Do not let your sister intrude upon your artistic integrity.
I'm waiting to see the wasps delve into the Woody Allen ouevre. I'm sensing a lot of potential pathos there.
How is applying for law school and that other thing working out for you so far?
You are all kinds of awesome, Becky. I think we need a series. As the Wasp Turns?
That's magical.
Delightful. Chantal is a delight on screen as always-though Keith tends to try and hog her screen time, he was wonderfully paced through the entire performance.
Overall, two thumbs up.
Keith reminds of of Kevin Costner - something in his expression, I think..
Does he know any Dances With Wolves?
Your camera angles inspire me.
You're a terrible person! I can't decide whether to laugh and pity the poor wasps or just laugh. Which kind of makes me a bad person too. But let's not get hung up with details, shall we.
That's it. I quit.
You are the funniest person alive.
That fly? What a scene stealer.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
God, I hate that you make me type out my laughter.
*mmppfff*
The Graduate!
*ttssshheeeehehehe*
Mrs. Bitch: Hey, it could've been wasp porn, is all I'm gonna say.
Moooooog: Yeah, you don't want to exhale too heavily around Gwenyth either.
Mandy: Apparently, yes, I'm taking requests. I can't believe nobody's suggested Sam and Frodo yet. "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you, and it as well."
Ckrets: You say "yet" as if "bizarre" is a bad thing. :)
OWO: Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds? It's true. I'll show you. *opens freezer*
George W: I want a "Best Use of Dead Bugs" trophy!!
Leslie: Thanks, missy!
Betadad: I'm shuddering trying to imagine how you inserted the stick into the mouse. :/ I'm gonna just go ahead and say you tied him to it with a gift ribbon, kay?
Also, we don't call them camcorders anymore?
Katie: I didn't even realize I'd gone anywhere until I noticed the date of my last post. Oops!
Tony: I'm racist against striped people. Striped people oughtta just go back to where they came from! God hates stripies!
Miss Y: Keith has a giant schlong. In related news, I just fell asleep sitting at my desk and my comments back will make very little sense from here on out.
Eva: I think Juanita ate the fly. I think she thought it was a raisin. Understandable, as I drop a lot of raisins.
Pirate: Ouevre? Well...*takes off glove, slaps you across the face with it*... YOU'RE the egg, sir! YOU'RE THE EGG HERE!
WTWA: One of them is working out awesome. The other one requires putting my underpants back on, so...plllttthtt.
Sleep time. More tomorrow. She said, to nobody.
Long time reader, first time commenter. I had to comment though as my name actually is Chantal. I may or may not be a recently deceased hymenoptera. You decide.
Chantal x
P.S. I said 'hymen'.
I've got a bad feeling about Chantal. I mean, what kind of woman meets a guy and immediately gets on her back? Slut. You need to tell Keith that he's tooooo good for her.
I'm totally naming my band's first Ep "Dead Wasp Theatre" in your honor. Just warning you so that when you get a free copy in the mail you won't be confused.
purely brilliant.
I was going to call bullshit on you when you said they had swords in their butts. But then you said according to science, so that won me over!
Bahaha!! I was going to simply comment about the dead wasps and make some lame request for you to fashion a blue pendant necklace for Chantal with a foil yogurt lid to reenact the artistic titanic naked scene, however, I must also send digital props to Miss Yvonne because her cobweb-narnia comment made me audibly laugh/snort/choke. Great post Becky, and great friendishes you have too!!
PS. didn't Miss Yvonne also coin the term "stainy"?
You had me at Magical Holiday Snowscape....
Will you release the name of the fly at some point? I'm sure others would like to cast him/her in their dead insect theater too.
O.k., I was laughing along and then I got to the Mrs. Robinson thing and DIED.
Poor Chantal, it's hard to be beautiful while laying on your back with your legs crossed. Very few can pull that off.
That's just ridiculous.
(A guy named Keith would NEVER hang with a chick named Chantel. Ridiculous.)
Hey, wasps DO have a purpose in this world, after all! I stand corrected.
It would be a crime of epic proportions to restrict Keith to the holidays. FREE KEITH!
(And maybe make a tiny boombox for him to hold when he reenacts Say Anything? Pleeeeease?)
They can still sting when they're dead. I know this from uhhh...not playing with them when they are dead also.
dead wasp theater is a delightful idea. i've enjoyed this immensely.
have you seen this dead fly art? it's pretty great.
http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/dead-flies-circus/16839
Did you kill the fly for the sole purpose of demonstrating where the wasp had been touched or was he just collateral damage?
I like how the one guy has his arms crossed over each other in his death posture.
Next step. Craft tiny matchbox coffins and film the funeral.
Did you kill the fly for the sole purpose of demonstrating where the wasp had been touched or was he just collateral damage?
I like how the one guy has his arms crossed over each other in his death posture.
Next step. Craft tiny matchbox coffins and film the funeral.
I think I actually shed a tear. I can't wait for DWT's version of The Social Network.
You, corpse director and dead bug theater visionary, complete me.
Magnificent. Freaking Magnificent.
I propose that Keith and Chantal get their very own blog.
That was totally worth the wait. Do Chantal and Keith have an agent yet? I know a dead spider who might be willing to represent them.
Oh thank god you're back! Keith the holiday wasp might be the funniest shit I've seen in 2 months. Thank you so much :-)
We are not amused.
Keith
(we are really)
Keith was amazing. I teared up a little on the Jerry Maguire monologue. I thought Chantal was a little stiff, but it's clear they have good chemistry. Either way, you can put them in anything and Keith will carry her to gold. Do you think he resents her for that? Or perhaps she resents him for his talent? This is exactly why couples shouldn't work together.
Those wasps blow my dead fish theatre out of the water.
PS. Awesome post (and site).
What?~ You have bugs under a glass at your house too? Where have you been all my life??
No words.
No goddamn words as to how much I wished that I had 24-hour WSPTV.
Those are some quality shows RIGHT THERE.
I'm sick of these goddamned bees thinking that they own every movie. Other actors would like a role every now and again, you know. For example: Jennifer Lopez. Why isn't she in any of these movies?
And really, nobody is going to credit Eric, the half a bee? Thespian of bees?
Thespian sounds like lesbian. Just sayin'.
I knew a kid who used to catch flies under cups and leave them there until they were slow moving, and then tie a hair around them, like a little leash... for flies... the whole theater aspect would have been an interesting addition to his fly catching process.
Saw this tonight about the same time I was reading your post. Cause I'm ADD like that.
http://missdisgrace.tumblr.com/post/2061970677
I'm sorry this isn't on topic with your post, but do you like Pokemon? If so, I'd love for you to choose a combo for my latest project, seen here:
http://icanhascatboy.blogspot.com/2010/12/pokemon-profile-picture-month.html
I'm a little late to the show, but the actors were all still lying around playing dead.
And I still think it was the best money I ever spent.
So glad I found you.
I'm a little (okay, a lot) terrified of wasps, but this made them as close to adorable as I can imagine!
....I've literally been sitting alone in my room giggling uncontrollably for about 15 minutes.
And I stopped reading 10 minutes ago.
I don't know why but this is like the funniest thing in the world to me. (Maybe because I've done that before....?)
Seriously... omfg. Okay. Gotta stop laughing so I can go read more posts. :D
You are my idol. I laughed until tears came, which is wonderful because I've had something stuck in my eye all morning.
Next time I get bored, I'm getting my bug collection out and making some magic. I always lie and say the bug collection is for my kids. Now I can say that it is for my Art.
You are hilarious and you made my day. Many thanks.
Somebody needs to read "The Wasp factory", by Ian Banks - You might get ideas...
Thanks Becky!
Was feeling mopey today, and now I see you've been playing with the corpses of my sworn enemy. Feel a bit better now.
Nicely done.
Caleb
HAHAHAHAHAHA! I have now wasted my entire morning reading your crazy blog. Thanks for the smiles! (and the dirty house, but that's ok)
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