Free Range Becky's Savvy Tourists' Guide to Urban Survival

I've learned so many things about big city life during my last couple of trips to New York City, and seeing as how I'm headed back east today, I thought it wise to sit myself down and review my acquired city skills so as not to make the same touristy mistakes as I did last time.

For instance...

1) Revolving doors go way too fast. In fact, one out of ten people has or will eventually lose a limb in a revolving door accident, according to data I overheard in a nightmare I had last night. This is why they require decisive action and a clear-cut plan of attack. Do whatever you need to do to get into the building. If you need to behave as if you're entering a double dutch jumprope, hands up and palms forward, rocking back and forth on your feet, eyes wide and scanning for the optimal moment of entry, that's fine. However, the doorman is not required to chant your "Cinderella dressed in yellah" rhymes. Leave him alone.

Remember though, once you're in your pie piece of revolving door space, you're in. No return, no regrets. No screaming and running back out, yelling "Oh my God it's too fast! Okay, do-over! Ready? *arms extended out, feet in runner's pose* And a-one, and a-two..."

No sharing revolving door compartments with others. Remember, it only looks like there's enough room for the both of you from the outside, but in reality they are much smaller than you think. Once you squeeze in behind someone, even if you do the little tippy-toe tiny steps behind them so they don't notice you, they will somehow sense your presence and they won't appreciate it. Even if when the ride ends, you jump out, grab their hand in yours and raise it above your heads like champions and yell "TWINS!" as you emerge together out of your compartment.

2) Subways go uptown, downtown, and sidewaystown, and there are maps to help you figure out which trains go where. None of them go to Vermont.

Riding the subway will make you feel confident and independent in this unfamiliar city. However, keep in mind that you are a grown woman, and therefore strangers will not be as impressed as you think they will be when you describe yourself smugly as "pretty much a free-range kid."

Note: In your attempt to "blend in with the locals" it's understandable if you don't want to carry a map. It looks touristy. But you know what else looks kind of touristy?

Arm-maps. Not as inconspicuous as one might think.

3) Shopping. Yes, shopping is bullshit. We are bad at it.

But remember, with the holiday season approaching, New York City is the perfect place to get some gift shopping out of the way. So let's give it another try, shall we?

We've had some trouble with purchases in the city before, but we're going to learn from our mistakes and do better this time. Now then, let's compare some Dos and Don'ts of Holiday gift shopping in New York City based on what we've learned from our previous mistakes:

Do Buy: A one-of-a-kind vintage hat or scarf in a small boutique downtown for your most eclectic friend!

Don't Buy: A bunch of rocks.

Seriously. Nobody wants your damn geodes. Not even the happy looking one.

Ask yourself this: For whom is this a gift? Who collects rocks and minerals? I mean besides you. No, not Nana. Nana does not collect rocks and minerals.

Ask yourself also: Is traveling home with 15 pounds of rock in your carry-on worth the hassle with airport security?

And no, it doesn't make you seem any more normal when you tell people that one of them is not a geode at all, but a fossilized dinosaur turd! And that it was free with purchase of a vial of wooly mammoth fur!

"Buy 8 rocks and a clump of hair, and get a free piece of old shit" is not the bargain you think it is.

Do: Look for holiday sales at your favorite stores!

Don't: Buy 3 of these sweatshirts in sizes 0, 0, and 16 because they're the last ones in the store and you feel sorry for them, then give them all to the same person because by the time Christmas rolls around you've named them (Kuk'uk, Nippikortuyok and Debbie) and you don't want to break up the wolf pack.

Do Buy: Stationary and funky pens are always a fun gift!

Don't Buy: Oh Jesus. Come on. What the fuck is that.

A bird? A graphite bird's head? Oh my God, I remember now. You tucked it away somewhere because you couldn't figure out whether to write with the beak or the tail, because both felt awfully non-consensual and and you are nothing if not respectful of animals, even inanimate ones.

Which reminds me...

4) You will experience things in New York City that might make you upset. Like rude cab drivers, for instance. Or overpriced coffee. Or litterbugs. Or a pile of disemboweled toad torsos made into change purses.

I know, it doesn't make sense. Disembowel a cat and you're a sociopath. Disembowel a toad and you're an entrepreneur. And yet? There they are, $24 bucks a pop. And the kid next to you who looks like he's spent his day passionately frenching a barrel of red dye no. 2 is yelling "Neato! Toads! I can fit all my Silly Bandz in here!" and you're steadying yourself against the counter fanning your face and doing the sign of the cross and shaking each of their little dead toad hands and mumbling "Espiritu sanctum" in a faint raspy whisper and all the kids are running to find their parents.

My point is, this is New York City. You need to harden that heart. Would Carrie and Miranda get Catholic vapors over a pile of dead toads? Hell no. They'd thread a gold chain through their glassy toad eyeballs and wear them as a necklace, or they'd glue them onto a yarmulka made of street-meat and wear them clubbing, is what they'd do.

Suck it up, you damn California hippie. And Godspeed.