After too much wine at this week's family birthday dinner, we headed over to the tap shoe cupboard, because we find late-night tap dancing the quickest way to bring our blood alcohol level down so we're legal to drive home safely.
Tap shoes on, and:
Me: (serious kitty cat face, paws up) A prance-eh, A prance-eh, a-shuffle, a-shuffle, poop-y in the box aaannnd kick the lit-ter, kick the lit-ter...
Mom: No, c'mon, stop joking around. Follow me...Shuf-fle ball change, Shuf-fle ball change, Cincinnati flim flam click-et-y clack Yeahhhh...(excited jazz face)
Me: ...
Mom: Slopp-eh joe. Slopp-eh joe. Slopp-eh joe, kick turn!
Me: ...
Mom: C'mon, do it with me, you guys!
Me: Can't.
Mom: Why the heck not? It's fun! Shuffle-toe shuffle-toe, bah-loney, bah-loney, bah-loney...(crazy jazz eyes)
Me: I'm sorry, I...
Mom: What!? What's the problem??
Me: I can't stop staring at your camel toe, mom. I can't even focus on what you're saying.
Mom: My what?
Me: Your camel toe. Are you in pain right now? Because you look like you're about to rip in half.
Mom: I don't understand what you're saying about camels.
Me: Mom. The seam of your pants appears to have violently bisected your vagina. You are strangling your labia. Please, just adjust your junk. Tuck in, or shift the seam over and ride sidesaddle for a bit. I'll even do it for you if you gimme a sec, I think I can find some sort of utensil, like tweezers or something, for discretion.
Mom: So... I'm trying to teach you some tap dance moves, and you're staring at my vagina. Is that right? No! Becky, don't touch me with those salad tongs!
Me: Just...pull...the (tong poke)...seam...out...(tong poke)
Mom: No, you know what? This is your problem. You need to learn to pay attention, even when there are distractions all around you. This is a life lesson.
Me: Really? Because I'm pretty sure it's not. I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be in a situation where someone's all, "Hey, I'm going to teach you how to desalinate ocean water so that you can survive on this desert island, but I'm also going to be choking my pussyflaps the whole time. Try to focus anyway though. Ready? Here we go..."
Mom: Oh, Becky. When you were little, I used to push you on the swings, and the breeze would blow through your soft wispy blonde hair as you smiled up at the sun, giggling and begging me to push you higher and higher. Sometimes when you use a phrase like "choking my pussyflaps" I can't help but long for those simpler times. Sunriiiise, sunset.
Me: Just put them away before some baby orphan hyena twins come along and try to suckle milk out of those things.
Mom: What would be easier is for you to just pull your pants up higher. We can match! It can be our "thing," our "gimmick" for our mother daughter tap routine!
Me: How about you fix your pants and our gimmick can be, "The two fabulous dancing ladies with nothing out of the ordinary happening in their crotches?"
Mom: How bout I keep my camel toe, and you keep your regular toe, and we work it into our "Potato, Po-tah-to" routine?
Me: Perfect! (toe tap, toe tap) "You say po-ta-to, I say po-tah-to..."
Mom: "You say ca-mel-toe, I say ca-mahl-toe..."
FREEZE ON mother-daughter leaning back-to-back, in an agree-to-disagree, whattya-gonna-do? shrug.
54 comments:
Two weekends ago my brother and I had a conversation with Mom about very large penises and anti-rape razor vagina condoms. We should do an East Coast meets West Coast Sexy Tap Dance Variety Show.
OK, first out of the chute, did you really copy-write Cleavag? If so I worship the ground you walk on. Actually, I will worship that ground even if you did not, because this post has a 5-star snot projectile rating (suck on that dead and dieing thumbs up dudes).
It scares me that the first utensil I thought of was salad tongs, before I read further on.
Salad tongs can be tricky because you really need fine motor skills to NOT "grab flap". I prefer to use a stun gun and roofies when I'm taking your mom's pants off.
oooooooo mmmmmmmmmm gggggggggg my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because I am at work reading this and am trying not to laugh out loud so hard that my body is about to explode.
camel toe. ftw.
Histerical laughter and tears... Friggin awesome.
I shouldn't have read that I feel a little ill right now :P
Just when I think it couldn't get any better you go and post something like this. Also, I wonder if I was the only one that said camel toe over and over until it did indeed sound like clamato?
This post is as good a justification as any for always carrying salad tongs. To perform public (heh that's almost like pubic) services.
*thinks about own mother being afflicted with camel toe*
It's okay. I've got bleach.
i had to side-eye my mom because she's wearing those floodwater pants, as in rolled up with little button closures and guess what? no. flood.
but you totally win, i've never poked my mother's vulva with salad tongs. *adds to life list*
this reminds me of when chuck gives me a wedgie while cooking, i yell at him and then he unwedges because i have raw chicken on my hands. it's true love.
I got here courtesy of TJ up above.
I cannot thank you enough for this post. I am still wiping away tears of laughter.
Oh, and pussyflaps? Best thing ever.
Can't wait till this particular sitcom makes it to my local WB station.
Hyena's suckling...oh mercy...
There should be some sort of a cup or insert to prevent the ever dreaded pussy flap.
You know kinda like the thing that Madonna and Lauren Hutton stick in to fill their tooth gaps (aka diastema)
Rene
It sounds like something you'd see in an undercover documentary on stage moms. They self induce camel-toe to teach their kids how to focuse through the distraction. They suffer for their kids. They're heroes really.
I'm beginning to suspect that you embellish these anecdotes for comedic effect.
There is no way to spell the hysterical laughter... But at this point, "The two fabulous dancing ladies with nothing out of the ordinary happening in their crotches?" I think I broke a rib.
(Sue McGoo)
how can that even be comfortable???
and then add dancing TO the camel toe??? yeeeouuchhh. no thankyou.
I think you're ready for Broadway!
Or at least the kind of Off-Broadway that's located in a dilapidated brown-stone walk-up on a deserted street in Harlem.
I laughed so hard I think I maybe farted. "Mom. The seam of your pants appears to have violently bisected your vagina. You are strangling your labia. "
Also: We have this discussion daily at bootcamp. I've been told to write about camel toe. From now on? I'll just point them here and keep the salad prongs in the drawer.
You know what's worse than seeing your mom's camel toe?
NOTHING.
Your family has a tap shoe CUPBOARD? Damn. How many tap shoes does a family need?
i'm totally going to jack off to this later.
fyi.
I imagine I will recall this particular blog post only during times when it is of the utmost importance to not laugh...and for that, I thank you!
Having to explain what a "camel toe" is to my mother would be so excruciating I would inevitably end up committing harakiri in front of her out of sheer frustration. It was a close call when I had to explain what "corn holing" meant.
I'm not sure I can ever forgive you for making me accidentally wonder if my own mother has a camel toe. I haven't seen her in a couple of years, and I sincerely hope her taste in pants style has aged along with her. Just in case, I'm packing a set of salad tongs the next time I visit her.
Steamme, I saw this and thought of your mom. Hmmm... Kayso, I have issues, but that doesn't mean it won't help. In the long run I mean. Obviously it ruins the Mommy/Daughter Clam ... thing.
www.camelflage.com
I have always imagined - no, I have always KNOWN - that my own mother has a smooth no-no, like Barbie. To think otherwise would be traumatic and make my brain backfire like an old Mustang. But now you've made me question this and I'm not feeling so well. In fact, I may have to break in someplace and steal some Scotch. See what you did?
Win. Win. So much epic win.
Where to start? The Fiddler on the Roof reference? The extreme lolz?
You know, I don't know where to start. But you're awesome.
I kind of picture your mom now as that Molly Shannon character, Sally O'Malley.
*hikes pants up* IIII'M FIFTY!
You do realise that showing the 'toe is entirely hereditary, don't you?
It's called the Curse of the Ninja's Slipper.
S'true. Ask your Nan.
Please write all day every day. This was brilliant and has made my heart sing. And also made me surreptitiously check my pants. Before realizing that I don't have pants on.
I would pay cash money to see that show, by the way. When's it touring?
Holy shit, you really need to post more. I get my best laughs from your stories.
But what I really need to know - do you REALLY speak to your mom that way? I mean, like use the p-word like that??? Because I'm having an anxiety attack just imagining this conversation playing out with my own mother...
You and your mother have a beautiful, beautiful, special and beautiful relationship.
Reading this was like watching Terms of Endearment.
*wiping special tear from eye*
Awesome. Really. Very very funny.
A tap shoe cabinet sounds like a way better idea than our chainsaw cabinet. I'll never forget that Christmas when Aunt Lynn leaned in too close while my brother put that that last final tweak on the ice-block ostrich sculpture. Tragedy.
I was all, "Tweezers? She should use salad tongs."
And then ... and then ... *sniffle*
I feel so close to you and your mom's labia right now.
Suddenly I'm not feeling so well...
Hi! I've given you a blog award!
Jumble Mash
For some strange reason I want to see this preformed in some sort of Broadway show. I think I pulled something laughing so hard.
Camel tow is painful and not attractive. But I said it thirty times and it still sounded like came tow... :(
Does your mom have a blog? She deserves a payback forum.
Hello. I dig the high energy, fictionalized vibe of the text, but if I read it again I think the massive smear of jokes might be a bit much for me. I only read a few of your posts but over all like what I am reading. I am new to reading and writing blogs but am trying to find interesting stuff, yours is inspiring and I have been very happy to find The Gravel Farm through your links.
I am crying right now. So funny.
And we were just talking about your mom's tap shoe cupboard!
Thank you for making me laugh so hard I cried. Pussyflaps indeed!
I can't believe I forgot about Cleavag!
Pussyflaps. *snort* I could never say pussyflaps to my mother.
Wow... disturbing discussion about a mother's camel toe. Comedic gold I tell you... well played.
give your poor mom a break. someday your lips will sag too, and you will have perpetual camel toe.
What a beautifully close and tender relationship you have with your mom that you can have these conversations! Camel toes, pushing it out... sorry, gimme a minute...(*sniff*). So. When are you going to have those little talks with her about teabagging and blumpkins?
Snort-laughing and crying with my 5-year-old sitting next to me going, "Whatt? What!?"
Thank you.
Your mom sounds like one hell of a lady!
I just found your blog and am so glad you linked this post. I almost fell off of my couch b/c I was laughing so hard!! I'm off to read more of your blog now. Toodles!
Laughed so hard I cried, and couldn't breathe. Read it to my husband later, and again went into hysterics. This may be the funniest thing I've ever read. Ever.
This made me weep hysterically and snort loudly with laughter.
I think this might be the most hilarious blog-post I have ever read. Its only competition is on this blog.
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