"Blink!...Blink!...I say blink now! You will blink!!" she tells Juanita, shaking a finger in her face. Nana's Nigerian Nurse believes Juanita's failure to blink constitutes a direct threat and that this subversive non-blinking behavior must be eradicated, lest she become feral.
Juanita finally blinks, and Nana's Nigerian Nurse rewards her by poking her in the neck with a carrot, then inviting her to Lake Tahoe for a mani/pedi.
I'm only half listening to this, because I'm busy walking around my mom's kitchen with my laptop balanced on the palm of my hand, trying to find a wireless signal. There's one bar, if I stand by the front door. The second bar flickers as I follow Nana's motorized stair seat up the stairs. At the top of the stairs, my brother and his laptop are pressed up against Nana's bedroom door.
Jack: (whispering) It's in there, there's a signal in there!
Me: Well, knock on the door! Go in!
Jack: *ick face* I don't wanna.
Nana, from the other side of the door: COUGH! CROUKGH! KHRACKKAGHHHHY!!
Me: Ew.
Jack: Yeah.
Me: Knock.
Jack: You do it.
Me: You.
Jack: You.
Me: (knocks on door and ducks behind the corner)
Jack: Wha...you ASSHOLE!!
Nana: Mmmmmnnnhrrrr. Ehhhh? Ehhhhh! Mmmin!
Jack: Fuck.
Jack opens the door and walks in, as I crawl back to the open door and lay down on my stomach in the doorway with the laptop peeking around the corner. Two bars.
Jack: (yelling) HI NANA, YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD TODAY!!
Me: (chin on hand, confirming facebook friends, updating status, twirling hair)
Jack: HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY, NANA?
Nana: Rrrrrroooohh...
Me: (wireless disappears, reappears, flickers, one bar, no bars, one bar...) Oh no! EFF! Psst, Jack! It's spotty out here! How many bars you got in there?
Jack: (whispering) Um...I have 'bout this many *middle finger* bars, shithead!
Me: So...one? One bar? Jack?
I shimmy on my belly into the room and reopen my laptop next to her bed. Three bars.
Me: (whispering) Jack! I think the router's behind her bed! I'm gonna sit down in bed with her, but I need you to introduce me before I stand up, so I don't scare her.
Jack: Introduce you? Um, what? Should I sound a trumpet, perhaps?
Me: No, are you kidding? Way too loud, it would kill her. Maybe just go "Ber-berberBERRRR!" with your fist on your mouth, and say "I now present...your granddaughter BECKY!"
Jack: Ah...no.
Me: Well, I can't just stand up, that would be weird. She'd know I was lying on the floor next to the bed.
Jack: Maybe just rise up really slow with your arms out, like an angel.
Me: Or maybe I can do that pretend climbing up the stairs thing? That's always a hit.
Jack: You don't have the leg strength, you know that. You tried that for the nieces and nephews at Christmas, got halfway up the "stairs" before your legs gave out and you collapsed behind the couch. Scared them to death.
Me: Yes, but first of all? I'm not drunk right now. Second? Nana's not a crybaby bitch like some toddlers I know. Okay, whatever, I'm tired of this. Engage diversionary tactic. Heads up.
I fling my shoe across the room. Jack ducks, Nana turns at the sound of the shoe knocking over a lamp, and I plop into bed next to her.
Me: Well, what in God's name is all that commotion? Heavens to Betsy, am I right, Nana? *Opens laptop*
Jack: How's the reception?
Me: Pretty good. Preeetttty good, could be better. Nana? Nana? Could you lift your arm for me? Nana?
Jack: What're you doing?
Me: Physical therapy. Jack, hand me that spoon. Nana? Nana? Nana, hold onto this spoon, and LIFT it up HIGH! Stretch! Reach to the sky, Nana! Jesus wants his spoon back!
Jack: Oh my God. You're using our 103 year-old Nana as an antenna. You're going to hell.
Me: Four bars.
Jack: Scootch over.
54 comments:
Whaa? First comment? Not possible!!! Um, the pressure to perform is a little suffocating though. I mean, I got, like, nothing over here. Sooo... that nana huh? Crazy. Spoon to Jesus. That may be my new catch phrase. I'll let you know how that works out for me.
I don't know how you do it, but you keep getting funnier. And maybe more sociopathic. Please keep it up.
Every day, before I enter the classroom, I make my TA go "Ber berber BER!", and it's even better when you can make everyone applaud or they fail your class.
Would it technically be a pedi/pedi in Juanita's case? I hear Tahoe has the best. Spoons to Jesus, I swear it.
See, all you did was prove to the world that really old people are NOT AT ALL WORTHLESS or able to be useful. Well done you. And well done nana.
I don't suppose you can jump start a car with her?
I'm in for mani/pedis in Tahoe with the dog and the nurse, sounds like a great weekend.
Nana's arm is bound to get cold out there holdin' up the spoon for Jesus, right? Right. That's why I'm making her a Crocheted Nantenna Arm Cozy right now. You're welcome, Nana. You're welcome.
"Jesus wants his spoon back."
So few words. So much pants-pissing awesome.
This story makes me miss my grandma. She died long before the internet was invented, but if you ever needed anything to catch fire, she was your gal. That's part of the reason she had to go into assisted living. Cherish these moments with your Nana.
LOVE it. I hope when I'm 103, my grandchildren use know it's OK to use me for wireless signal.
Jesus, in LA they build Starbucks in the parking lots of other Starbucks. Is contorting your body like that better than walking half a block?
Despite my disapproval, I'm thinking that if you put a microwave next to Nana next time, you'll pick up four bars on a Commodore 64 in the neighbor's bomb shelter.
brklyn: I bet Jesus uses one of those knife/fork/spoon combos, because it's like, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost of utensils. I'm 100% sure I'm the first person to ever type that.
bedbugs: Thanks! I've been replacing my meds with Skittles. I think it's doing good things for me.
Vic: Could your TA also unroll a scroll and give a Hear ye, Hear ye announcement every time you go to the can? That would be fancy.
Veg: No, but I read somewhere that if you put her in a swimming pool you can go swimming and suck all the life energy out of her. Wait, I'm mixing up books with movies again. And Nanas with alien cocoons.
linlah: Juanita will get the French tips, I bet. She's such a hoochie.
Lolo: HAHAHAHAHA!!! It's a very niche market, Nantenna arm cozies.
MB: Why thanks! That line actually made me giggle, if I do say so.
Beta Dad: Oh no, for a second I thought yours was going to be one of those "At least you have a Nana, you ungrateful bitch" comments. I know it's coming. BRING IT ON, I'M NOT SCARED!!
Rebekah: Me too. They can strap a satellite dish to my shoulders and perch me on the roof, as long as I get my milkshakes I'm okay.
wx3: I don't care if Starbucks has free wifi now, I'm still holding a grudge from when they didn't. I'm Irish, this is gonna take a while to get over.
Can I borrow your Nana when I use the public computers at the library? Their signal is really weak and I could use a 103 year old Nantena to speed it up.
Haha. Jesus wants his spoon back. Fucking fantastic. I wonder if that line would work on my dad...
Course his spoons would be useless as antennas. Too crusty.
I've missed you, funny lady.
The pressure doesn't get any better at #14. I got nothing, either. All I can think of now is that Spoons for Jesus would be a good band name.
So heartwarming, you snuggling with Nana, helping her with her physical therapy. Warming.
Or was that you farting under the covers?
Jesus wants his spoon back...That's just perfect.
You know, I think Nana would *want* you to have good reception...so what you're doing is just making an old lady happy.
Nana is so lucky to have grandchildren like you and Jack! And because she has one of those motorized stair chair thingies. Want!
Nana is so lucky to have grandchildren like you and Jack! And because she has one of those motorized stair chair thingies. Want!
I totally could picture the stairs thingy. Too bad you're too big a whimp to pull it off.
I was going to go on and on about how awesome this post was, but all I can think of right now is that I would stab somebody with that spoon in order to get 4 bars.
"Heavens to Betsy" hehe
Clearly what Nanas are for. Support - Including technical support. :) Hilarious post, yo.
"jesus wants his spoon back" would be an excellent name for a band. a *christian* band. and then i would make fun of that band because, really guys? jesus *never* needed a spoon. pfft. the nerve.
you are like the evel knievel of laptop bars. in related news, that is not how i thought you spelled "evel knievel." true story.
I like how your Nana growls like a bear when you ask how she is. That's extra good for reinforcing that old people are terrifying husks of regular people. Nana is the Cicada of....something.
Sorry. Lost my train of thought. I just dosed a handful of Skittles© and now I'm tripping balls.
I'm going to try to say "spoons to Jesus" at least once today.
lmfao omg THIS IS FABULOUS
I'm impressed with your ability to adapt the ol' ding-dong ditch trick to apply...well, anywhere, really.
Also, I now have to go home and poke my dogs in their necks with carrots, instead of actually giving them treats. Because I think that would be awesome.
OMG! That is hilarious! How did you keep from laughing out loud?
Spoons to Jesus, child. Are you actually funny or do you just have the richest comedy goldmine of a life? I vote both.
Hugs to NNN, Nantenna and Juanita!
I could totally use Nana in my bedroom. Wait... that sounded... kind of awesome. I'm keeping it.
So clever. Really. I'm sure she'd be glad that she's helping.
I'm gonna french Juanita's tips, if you know what I'm saying.
while I am especially fond of the Juanita and the Nigerian Nurse's conversations, this one takes it. How could anyone say you don't care about your Nana? you were concerned about a heart attack.
and I'm still made at Starbucks too. cheap bastards.
You should so rig up a pulley system so that it holds Nana's arm up...it'd be the humane thing to do. I'm sure her arm gets really tired. Poor Nana.....
Your Nana is like Moses, who held up his arms to part the Red Sea so the Israelites could pass through and escape the Egyptians. I think helping you with your wireless signal is right along the lines of comparison with that biblical miracle, if you ask me. We should nominate her for sainthood.
I'm getting my religions mixed up again, aren't I?
Additional uses for Nana, (arms spread wide position):
1) Clothesline -- dry your favorite sweaters in a way that will help them keep their shape!
2) Weather Vane -- set atop a lazy susan, Nana can help you see which way the wind blows!
3) Christmas tree -- Nana will look great festooned with lights, with a star nestled in her beehive! And she'll feel important!
Can I come over for a playdate with you and your brother? I'll bring Twizzlers.
You should change Nana's name to Hausu. It means "like a bear yawning upon awakening" in Moquelumnan.
That was just perfect.
That's all.
Pearl
I wish I could read a new Nana post every day for the rest of my life. I don't think I would ever be sad again.
What a wonderful world.
You know, it’s difficult to work with tears streaming down my face. Not to mention all my office mates wanting to know if I’m crying, laughing or having a stroke. Thank you so much for that, Stemme
I'm going to start using Jesus needs his spoon back when I'm at work. I'll try it out when I need to close a sale.
Customer: Erm... I like it, but I don't know if I can afford it right now.
Me: What? Man up, Princess! Jesus needs his spoon back.
I wanna live next door to your moms house. You and your brother sound like so much fun!
Capt: I am definitely going to try the spoons to jesus sales method this afternoon, and will certainly tell you whether or not it is successful.
Yeah, I guess I'm officially not lurking here anymore.
Ah man, now I'm regretting putting my gramma in a home cuz my internet sucks. Maybe you could rent her out? Hello extra pocket money!
Hmmm, I believe that my work minions are about to find "provide fanfare for manager on arival" creeping on to their daily task list...
Intriguing! I will have to see if my 103 year old grandma has good reception when I'm in San Diego.
Has the Nigerian Nurse tried taking food away from Juanita yet? Fun!
"Jesus wants his spoon back!"
I'm going to be laughing about that all damn day.
Jesus doesn't USE spoons.
:)
This is the greatest thing I've read all week.
And it's Saturday, so it still counts as THIS week, and not NEXT week yet, so that totally means you win this week. All seven days of it.
I've been drinking since noon so I'm having trouble focusing. On either of you. I'm pretty sure I have four boobs. Not that this is relevant. And...scene!
I'd have done it for two.
Where's the tin foil?
I wish my Nan was that electromagnetically receptive. She can hardly raise her arms at all, due to laziness or chronic arthritis or something.
Tcha.
If I told my 90-year-old grandpa that "Jesus wants his spoon back," it might not have the same effect because we're Jewish.
But that won't stop me from trying it out on him.
P.S. Thanks for stopping by, Becky. I'm Jessica. And I'm *your* newest reader.
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