I've been known to drink a little. Here and there. Now and then. Truthfully, though, I can count the number of times I was drunk in 2009 on one hand, even if you cut off my thumb and pinky. And maybe my index finger down to the knuckle. I don't know, whatever, math is hard.
At this year's New Year's Eve party, I did not get drunk.
Alright, I got a little drunk. Barely. It was a very grown-up kind of drunk though. Like, drunk enough to put a flashing neon koosh ball in each of my bra cups so that whenever I met someone new I could punch myself in each boob, like bam!bam! and then hold my hand out, "Nice to meet you!" like a fancy lady with green and orange technoboobs.
But not drunk enough to re-enact my own birth in 4-part sequence in the photo booth, by convincing my mom to stand on the bench as I emerged from under her long, flowy skirt, wide-eyed and innocent. Not this year.
This year I was drunk enough to bury a bottle of wine in a planter for later. I learned that from my dogs. It's the best trick ever.
But not drunk enough to press my index finger firmly into any of the male guests' ambiguous crotch bulges and ask, "Is that your penis, or your zipper? I think it is your penis, because it feels squishy."
Sometimes it's just a warped zipper, and when it is a warped zipper, I'm hailed as a fashion hero. Nobody wants a warped zipper. But when it's not a warped zipper, but rather a squishy penis, I'm not a hero. But that's okay, because I'd rather be a hero 50% of the time and a weirdo drunk poker of penii 50% of the time, than neither of those things 100% the time. It's like Spiderman. No...no it's like how it's better to have loved and lost than never....No, it's more like Spiderman.
But my point is...barely drunk this year.
And the way I accomplished this was by avoiding cameras. Because you can get as drunk as you want, and if nobody has proof of it and if it never ends up on Facebook, it never happened. It's like the old proverb...If a Becky gets drunk in the forest, and nobody tags her on Facebook, did she really get drunk in the forest? No. She didn't.
But I was not always this clever. I was not always such a stealth avoider of cameras.
There was a time before Facebook, when I didn't mind having my picture taken while drinking. Because, why not? Who's gonna see them? Pssh. Certainly not 372 of my closest Internet friendishes! Because hey...what the hell's an Internet anyhow? If anything goes wrong, I'll just burn the negative! Yay!!
But it's lucky for you that I was so footloose and fancy-free with the getting my picture taken, because if not for that, there would be no...
LESSONS IN DRUNK: A PHOTOGRAPHIC JOURNEY
Tip 1) How to Pose Drunk
Smiling for the camera should feel natural. Relax your face, and offer a serene, comfortable expression, one that expresses maturity and sophistication and conveys that you're having a lovely time at this gathering, and above all, you are a lady. A lady with class. Be cool and confident. Don't overdo it.
Parties? Yeah, they're ok.
I'm more of a cuddle-up-with-a-good-book kind of girl though.
Tip 2) When to Say When
The most difficult thing about social drinking is when to know when you've had enough. Take some time to evaluate how you feel. Are you dizzy? Is your language appropriate for the crowd in attendance? When your friends come to say goodbye, are you able to restrain yourself from climbing up onto the hood of their truck to prevent them from leaving?
Oh, must you leave so soon? Pity.
It was wonderful to see you. Please come again!
Tip 3) Drinking 101
It's common for young people who are beginning to experiment with alcohol to test their limits. College is a prime example of this. For you young readers, remember, moderation is key to a healthy lifestyle. Look for the signs. Stop drinking if 1) You feel nauseous 2) You feel you are about to make a bad decision 3) You find yourself in a potentially compromising position 4) You find yourself at a bar in Cancun, a bartender named Beto is holding your head back by your ponytail and pouring something down your throat via baby bottle 5) You are thrown in the pool and your 90's rolled-up denim shorts now weigh 50 lbs, yet because you are no quitter, you simply tighten your braided leather belt to keep them from falling down, and you persevere....
Gather together, ladies.
It's time for the always classy "group portrait in the restroom".
Ready? Camera centered? Alright then. Big smiles!
How does one say "sensual boob honk" en espanol?
Tip 4) Not falling down
This one's tricky. Because sometimes your friend is way drunker than you, and that friend begins her descent and grabs a hold of your teeny tiny 90's backpack-purse straps ipod earbud cords for support and takes you down with her. That's understandable. This one is totally not my your fault. Let's move on.
Could this floor BE any more slippery?
HAHAHAHA, sigh. "Friends" is the best show ever.
Tip 5) Celebrating Important Events
It's easy to lose one's head and get carried away on important nights, such as birthdays and weddings and historical presidential elections. When this happens, and you've made some bad decisions and perhaps had too much to drink, consider the quick "power nap" strategy of recovery. The best thing about a power nap is it clears your head, sobers you up, and it can be done anywhere, even a driveway.
Warning: A well-meaning female friend will undoubtedly approach for the obligatory "comforting back rub", and in this instance a sharp, "Leem lone!! Go way!! I'm n' puke!" will allow you the peace you require to nap undisturbed.
Heavens. It appears I've lost a contact.
I swear I would lose my head if it weren't screwed on tight.
Tip 6) Your 21st birthday
Congratulations. You are a woman. Your friends will likely take you out to eat, maybe even at a restaurant with lots of tall indoor plants, if you're lucky. By this time, you have learned to drink responsibly and you are ready to reveal your maturity to the world.
By all means, have that margarita! Have a second! Remember to eat your dinner though, because food helps to...wow, you really blew through that drink. Handy tip: The face you make upon releasing the straw of your margarita after sucking the whole thing down is not a pretty one. You clearly have brain freeze, also wonk eye, also are you having a stroke? Take a moment to compose yourself.
Or not. *sigh*
These margaritas are simply divine. I do believe I'll have another.
Garcon? *snap snap*
83 comments:
1. Your friends are really creepy.
2. The plural of penis is penes-- think Penes Noir
3. These are awesome! More importantly
4. I'm actually #1 instead of the 89th commenter! So I am awesome!
Wait, penes is the form used by professionals (Like prostitutes?)
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2139/what-is-the-plural-of-penis
Oh my god, who's hot when they're drunk?
I laughed till I cried.....
Trust ne, I took Latin for 4 years. Penis, from the verb Penare, meaning to penetrate. Conjugated as:
Peno
Penas
Penat
Penicki
Penucki
Penoob
Plural of the noun is penii, or peniiii with a *wink* if it's particularly girthy.
Dual Mom: Um...you?
You took Latin for four years?
*sigh*
Here's my heart. Do with it what you will.
And to think, I came in here to actually, you know, leave a comment that was appropriate for the subject materials.
Aw dude. The shorts! You did "Girls Gone Wild"? Shake that moneymaker.
I avoid cameras whether I'm drunk or not because even if I'm smiling, alluring, seducing you with my eyes, the second that shutter clicks I am a Satanic-eyed, drooling, double chinned, ginger, rider of the shortbus.
Whereas you actually still look quite lovely.
Well, ok, there IS that first pic where you look like you just saw Bill O'Reilly naked, but apart from that....
My husband always says a party isn't a party until Libby shows her boobs.
I think I will try the zipper thing next time, just to mix it up. And I like to say "squishy."
I like your disheveled drunk hair, and your drunk "sheen." You really pull off the look.
That last pic is hot, HAWT hot.
Awesome. You should write guide books for college kids
Wow...you had a lot of Asian friends. Look at all of them with their yellow faces. I think I have a crush on the fallen girl with the sideways face...I always had a thing for sideways face girls...
There is literally nothing I can add to this conversation other than the fact that you are probably the funniest woman alive, and those picture captions made me positively squirm with mirth.
You stole my 90s wardrobe!
I'm totally going to write "bitch" on your white board in the dorm later.
Wanna do vodka shots during "Friends" tonight?
Hey, at least in pic 2, you had the presence of mind to hold your tits so they wouldn't fall out.
All drunken pictures of me have been burned and their ashes have been buried. There weren't many because more often than not, the photographer was too busy cleaning my projectile vomit off of their lenses to snap a photo.
I'm so thankful that my best drinking years were before anybody had digital cameras, and instead we just bought the disposable ones that were lost or forgotten. Oh yeah -- and no Facebook either. I love this nice little "what not to do"!
If you had balls, they would be made of steel. STEEL.
That first picture almost made me pee my pants.
Penii. I KNEW it. I just KNEW the plural of penis was penii.
This is, by far, the funniest thing I've read this week. And it's Thursday! THURSDAY! Do you hear what I'm saying?!!
Pearl
I forgot about the mini-backpack purse. I had a Coach one my brother bought me in Korea, so I thought I was all high-class.
Bill O'Reily was naked! I think I just threw up in my mouth.
Thankfully my indescretions were also pre digital cameras and facebook; come to think of it, they were pre internet and personal computers!
For a moment in the beginning I was afraid there would be no pictures. That it was all a ruse.
I should have known better! You, my friend, rock the drunken party pictures. That last one especially has that extra...oh, what's the word....pukey look to it.
Hey, I don't want a big mob to come over and stone me because of my comment-- it was said, as always, with the utmost respect. In fact, I was in a bowed position when I typed it. I heart you a bunch!
OK we really must be friends now. You are definitely a girl after my heart...
Awesome pics. I feel like I should be the girls in them with you.
And "If a Becky gets drunk in the forest, and nobody tags her on Facebook, did she really get drunk in the forest? No. She didn't."
I full heartedly agree.
I just wanted to say "bravo" on using the correct plural of "penis". I, too, took waaaay too much Latin while in school
next time you put flashing squish balls in your bra, also put an easy button in your pants. it's one of my favorite party tricks. so i've been told.
mjenky: I did. 4 years. My Latin name was Flavia. REOW!!!
Veg: Most of my sober pictures these days are pretty horrendous too. I'm just gonna buy a burka and be done with it.
LL: Squishy is always fun, especially when you're poking things, especially when things means penii.
Jenni: Sheen. You are a kind woman. I have "sheen" all the time, it's not just for drunky time.
Cap: Yeah, I know, I feel pretty shamey about that one. But my hair looks good, so I went with it.
Moby: The plural of penis is multipenis.
mayo: Also, permanent dessert menus on the tables. Do you see that one up there? Pumpkin cheesecake, my friend. Nothing but the best.
Ashy: I should! I could teach them all about The Pot and about a little-known band called Green Day that all the kids are listening to these days. Right? Green Day is still the bomb, right?
Tony: Aw, fallen girl, I love her. She's a Columbia and Harvard Law graduate now. No kidding.
TKOG: Yay! *fancy lady curtsy*
Sarah: You are SUCH a Monica!
Beckeye: Exactly!! Thank God I had learned by that point what tiny boobehs look like when they hang vertically.
Jen: I plan to burn these and scatter their ashes over the cliffs of Malibu to the sound of bagpipes playing Chumbawumba. And then, I guess now I'll have to burn the Internet down too. Sorry, Internet.
Amanda: Oh man, the disposable cameras. I could write a whole other post about inappropriate photos of me taken at weddings with disposable cameras.
OWO: That is a huge compliment, seriously. It's an exercise in humility and embarrassment to post horrible drunk photos of yourself. I like it. It feels good.
Pearl: I hear what you're saying. I'll hold on to ordering my trophy until you get back to me tomorrow night. You will be mine, first week of 2010. You will be mine.
Mandy: Those were the stupidest things ever. You know what was rolling around in that one? An ID, 20 bucks, and some chapstick. Now I just stuff everything down my bra and underpants. It's so much easier.
Eva: Gah stop with the naked OReilly talk. For the love of God, ladies!!
JMMW: You know I always come through with photos. And there was no puke that night, surprisingly. There was, however, a one woman/two sock-puppet 2:30am rendition of Don't Go Breakin My Heart behind a dumpster.
Kim: I heart you big time too, Kim. I do have creepy friends though. I mean, look at them with their blue smiles and dot eyes. It's so obvious they all went to the same plastic surgeon.
Carissa: Yeah, eff Facebook. If I want terrible drunk photos of me posted on the web, I'll do it my damn self thankyouverymuch.
kate: At my school, Latin was like the mob. You try to get out after a couple years, and they won't let you. You're already too deep. You know too much.
Claire: Wait, do you zip up your pants OVER the easy button? Listen lady, I already have fat vagina insecurities, I can't go padding it with props, see?
Baha! *clapclapclap*
Bravo! Encore!
This is fabulous. Some of your best work. My college roomie once was kind of enough record my drunkeness on cassette tape while he was stone cold sober. Even at the time, I wondered why the hell he was asking me so many questions. He just gave me the tape last year.
RAWAN!! Your comment showed up on my blackberry but not here!! And I can't open that link. Repost! I want to see!!
I think I've done all of the above except for penis poking, I skipped that one!
"Is that your penis, or your zipper? I think it is your penis, because it feels squishy." BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! I've gotten more marriage proposals this way than I care to think about!
You're so funny it's not fair. And you're cute, too. *finger*
Tip 7) Being Drunk does not mean you are a better dancer or that you should "Spread the Butter," despite how many people ask you to do it. Friends are mean and need things to blackmail you with later.
Thank God I took out every last one of em and burned their cameras.
At least you don't have that one picture with you hangin all over some really kid touchy look dude at a club smiling you just met Johnny Depp...
Cause I do, and trust me, no bueno
"Compresión de pecho sensual."
You're welcome.
All classy.
I see nothing wrong here.
I also think that 50% hero is better than 50% axe murderer.
So there's that.
the grab bag is not illegal in massachusets
and the falling on the floor is to be expected
You are so hot! I would totally make out with you right after you threw up.
I'm tired of scrolling down for an hour just to talk to you. Jerk.
I loved seeing photos of you, I could look at that one of you bent over the car all day long.
I have one like that from my 'youth' except for two also drunk frat type guys are suspending me over a motorcycle. Just like your photo, told you.
You know what I like best? You carefully left the eyeglasses in over the yellow splotch faces. That is diligence.
omg.
LMAOOOOOOOOOO......
ooooooo it hurts.....
the margarita face..... KILLS. ME.
awesome.
I forgot what I was gonna write when I read your conjugation of penis . . . now all I can think is peno (funny not wine) penas (gotta learn to spell), pena hahaha....
I only took Latin for a semester, so clearly I have some kind of Ancient Language envy, as the only thing I really remember is "Parva sum" (which is no longer true) and "Habe diem bonum" (which is useless, really.
My friends no longer take me to bars with tall plants because incariably at some point in the evening, I stand up and announce to the whole restaurant that I am "going to drain my clam" and then throw up in the planters a little later on.
Lucky, photographic evidence of this--or of the time I set my bangs on fire with a flaming Sambuca--no longer exists.
Oh, and please forgive the several spelling errors in my comment. I was a little loaded when I wrote it.
Sorry.
I'm gonna go drain my clam.
observation - the only one of your asian friends that's showing teeth and smiling with glee is the one that you are inappropriately groping.
oh yeah...
It's like you only party with a very large family of thumbprints, like the Duggars, only yellower.
My favorite picture is still the driveway one - wasn't there some behind-the-dumpster singing involved that night?
I LOOOVE everyone when I'm drunk. Oh, and also tell everyone, even the donut shop owner that my boyfriend is going to get good sex that night... really, really loud for the whole store to hear. Nice.
However you spell it, I like penii better ANYWAY
Turning 21 in April. I will master every facial feature and do them all in one night. WOOOOO!!!!
Could this BE any more funny?
The captions are the best. I have heard that the best way to avoid embarrassing photos on your 21st birthday is to go with your dad to a bar/restaurant favored by middle aged people to have a cheesesteak and Coors Light. But that's just what I heard. I TOTALLY partied it up.
Also, your friends are always so happy to see you! Although those two in the first picture could use a little work on their brows.
Totally diggin the jean shorts...jeans shorts? I dunno, you're the master conjugater...you figure it out smarty pants.
And puppet shows are also SO in my repertoire...weird!
I think the important lesson to learn here is that you should always punch drunk girls in the boobs on the off chance you can make them light up.
Thank you, Milady.
When I get really drunk my penii stays squishy.
Here, feel.
HA! KOOSHBALL!
Yes, I said penii.
Ladies...how you all doin'?
WHY haven't I thought about hiding my wine by burrowing it??? Damn. Good. Idea!
P.S. You are HAWT when you are drunk. HAWT!
Ah the old booze stasharoonie. Absolutely a mandatory lesson to learn to become a professional drinker. Well played.
I have a soft spot in my heart for your tiny backpack.
I love drunk Becky!!
I like how you at least had the presence of mind to prevent boob-escapism in the truck-hood one.
PS - Back-rubbing bitches can piss off, you know they're doing it as a passive-aggressive reminder to everyone else as to how much more sober/less trollopy they are than you.
Do your friends always look so yellow? Maybe they're about to puke? Perhaps you should forward them these lessons.
WOW. I really think you're doing a disservice to the world (think about the children!) by no longer drinking as much; borderline alcoholism has never looked so good.
I laughed so hard I spit all over my computer! And you didn't even mention your exclusive chip club.
Naps in the driveway are better than naps on the sidewalk.
Thank you for confirming that Penii is the correct plural. This debate has been raging in my circle for years.
Also, I <3 you.
What can I even say about this? This was a most stunning collection of sage advice and awesomeness... I don't even know where to begin. I have monstrous, uncontrolled ADHD and I read every single word of it without a break and without feeling antsy - that's how good it was. And by the time I got to your 21-year-old margarita-face picture, I was primed for a laugh explosion.
This was a masterfully put together blog post, Becky. It's like Spiderman but with bigger muscles and a not-squishy penis. It's like a roided-out Spiderman with a boner.
That's a compliment.
I have a solution.
Only go to strip clubs. They actually confiscate your camera if you try to take pictures, even in the bathroom (BELIEVE ME I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE).
problem solved.
Drunk pictures are the best!
*If you are bored and really want to see a drunk picture of me passed out on my parents floor after my bachelorette party you can find it on my blog. :) You may or may not be able to see my underware sticking out of my jeans. I'm a classy broad.
Also, I wish I could say this is one of the only drunk pictures of me but since I am a raging alcoholic there are more drunk than sober pictures of me. Oh well. Yours are great!
I love drunk pictures, especially when they belong to someone else! The first day of the working week is always un-tag day on Facebook!
Once again breathing a sigh of relief that my super drunk fiascos (excluding last week) were not caputured on film because there were no cell phone cameras and we were all too drunk to remember to bring our disk cameras out with us.
I hate when this happens...thanks for sharing!
Recently a friend from high school found a bunch of pictures she took on our senior trip. (Read as "incredibly embarrassing photos of me drunk") She forwarded them to a friend who has posted many of them on FaceBook. As my teenage children have a tendency to cyberstalk me I've had a lot of explaining to do. And they are suprisingly enough not buying the "I have no idea. It was a long time ago. I'm old. Leave me alone!" Damnit.
♥Spot
I love that you are demurely covering your cleavage while mounting a pickup truck.
I feel tremendously lucky that there are very few images of me doing the 'off my face dance'. A number of people have very clear memories of my misadventures, but very little in the way of evidence. Although in the ones that do exists I'm usually making your marguerita face.
I love you for this.
No, really.
It's not a birthday until I get brain freeze.
Of the VAGINA.
Think about that.
OMG, DYING LAUGHING.
The only solution to wet jean shorts is going pantsless. Or shortless. Shortsless? You get what I'm saying.
Could this post BE any funnier?
Holy smokes, thanks for the Friends blast from the past. Oh Chanandler Bong, you've always had my heart.
jeanshorts + boob honks = ghastly amounts of inappropriate comments about jean shorts and boob honks.
Oh, you mean I was really having a stroke all those times?
Well that explains the headache the next day.
I had blocked out the braided leather belt until JUST THIS VERY MOMENT. Now it's back. *sigh*
Blogs that teach life lessons are the best. Thank you. For my children.
This was a really hilarious rewind to a couple of years ago...
I used to stack those little mini-bar bottles around my room. It was fucking awesome when I got sober one day and found them. And got drunk.
Thanks oh so much for the laughs!
I myself have two of those flashing koosh balls, but nowhere in my clothing I can put them to punch when meeting people.
I mean, yeah, there's clearly somewhere I could put them, but the punching part would be intensely painful...eh, maybe I could get into it after all...
For the love of humanity, Becky, please post something new! It's been way too long since I've had the pleasure of breaking the silence and disturbing everyone in a class/library/coffee house with hysterical laughter at your blog! Please, give me something to live for again!
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