Wait, no, that sounds bad. Not erotica ABOUT children, this is erotica written BY children. Well, only one child actually. And I'm not naming names, because for some reason I've chosen right this very moment to start feeling all bashful and embarrassed, but you can probably infer from everything I wrote between the two commas in this sentence that the author is me.
Anyhow, even as a child, I had an uncanny ability to understand the intricacies of sexual coupling, which is remarkable when you consider that I was only eight years old at the time and had not yet discovered the existence of my own vagina.
Unfortunately, only the last two pages of the story were salvageable. But that's more than enough to take in the full beauty of this erotic masterpiece.
Without further ado...
You totally have the vapors right now, admit it. They are HUGE!! I have to admit, I've never in my life read a bigger pair of boobs. It doesn't get much bigger than huge. This eight nineteen year old must be incredibly sexy and boys just must want to kiss her huge boobs all day long. They are practically lining up around the block to lick them. The boy in this story is out of control with his lust, he's sliming all over the place! There must be spit and snot everywhere, and he's just rubbing it all over the damn place, like wax-on, wax-off. He's the Karate Kid of boob sliming.
As I read and reread this sensual masterpiece, my mind wanders and I can't help but wonder how the story would have progressed if my mom hadn't barged in right at the best part to accuse me of losing my retainer on purpose again GOD it was an accident why do you HATE MEEE!! I had found the time to finish it. I have a pretty good idea though:
...sliming all over my boobs. They are huge. He buries his face in one of my huge boobs and makes a farting noise with his mouth. I moan, "YES." Then he takes them in his hands and flops them back and forth, and he makes a Doioioing!! noise when they hit each other. I am nineteen and this feels good. I am kissing him with my mouth open and tonguing him like crazy, and he whispers to me, "Your boobs are radical." He loves my boobs and so do all the other boys in third grade who are nineteen. We are going to sleep in this hotel room together because we are big enough so that our moms don't even ask what time to pick us up. He stops boinging my boobs for a second and then he looks at me naked and I look at him naked and he says, "You look good naked." And I say, "Thanks" because I like compliments. At midnight or even 2am, I tell him it's time to stop frenching each other's mouths and squeezing my huge boobs because I don't want to get pregnant, because when you're nineteen you can get pregnant and I know this. So he squishes my huge boobs together and uses them as a pillow, and I use the regular hotel pillows, and we go to sleep.
The End
PS: I wear a bra. (Because I totally need one.)
45 comments:
Parabéns pelo seu excelente blog. Sou o Clausewitz e gostaria de lhe convidar para visitar meu blog e conhecer alguma coisa sobre o Brasil. Abração
I love that you chose 19 and not the standard kid dream of being 18. You one upped the fantasy. You and your huge slimy boobs.
Witness the birth of the sensual boob honk -- slimy, yet still sensual. I love it!
Nothing like a good laugh first thing in the morning. You made my day.
Now I'm all hot and bothered. It was the huge slimy boobs that did it!
This totally beats even my 12-year-old diary, which discusses things like "my brother is sooo annoying!!!" and "ok I have to go now, I'll rite [sic] more later!"
I was lame before I even had a chance. Fuck.
At 8 I just molested my older sisters Barbie's. I tried to write about our exploits but my sister riped them up and beat me unmercifully with hot wheels track and pelted me with light bright pegs. Then she cut the heads of my Han Solo and Chewy action figures. I've never had a doll porn relapse.
(knocks on wood)
"Your boobs are radical". I wish just once someone would be gentleman enough to say that to me. I'm so jealous of your imagination but also happy that you remembered that 19 year olds can get pregnant and ended the sliming just in time.
I always thought 19 would be the pinacle of sexy coolness when I was younger. I couldn't wait to be 19. Boy was that a disappointment.
mmmm, boobs.
"He's the Karate Kid of boob sliming."
Pure Shakespeare. And things like this are why I pimped you like you were my ho today. (You totally can be if you want to. You can even pay me in sex, like the pros.) I don't know how good I am at boob-sliming, though...
http://www.livitluvit.com/2009/04/all-we-need-is-bloggy-love.html
"he took off my shoulder strap"
+
"we are 19"
= the funniest things i've read today. and it's already 6:38am! wow!
You must have a been a far more mature 8-year-old than I because there would have been naked stick figure illustrations to go along with my story...or are you saving those to post later?
I think boinging huge boobs is pretty much the sexiest thing ever and even "sensual boob honks" pale in comparison and I am really impressed with them. They are huge!
People might think this is messed up because whoever it was that wrote this was only 8 but those people are so uptight and fuck them and their boingingless way of life.
BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh gad. I need a nap now. You're too much.
WE ARE 19!!!!
I'm so glad LiLu pimped you. She can slime my huge boobs any day for this, because I seriously cried laughing. At my desk. Thank god my boss is out because I would not want to explain.
My diary was all "OH MY GOD EVAN AULT IS THE HOTTEST BOY IN THE UNIVERSE and I love him and today he LOOKED AT ME OMG!" (He didn't, really. I didn't have boobs at all. Sad face.)
I like that he "striped" you under water, because, like, that would have to be some baddass, water-proof paint.
Mmm . . . doioioing. . .
You're finally writing at my level!
omg! my chest hurts! it's because i was trying to stifle my giggling and not because my huge bewbs are weighing it down.
Chelle: Excellente is right!! I will totally visitar your blog.
Panic: 18 was so played out. Now 19, wow, 19's womanly.
Nate's Mom: The real-life boob honker showed up around 6 years later, but sadly, none of the boob action lived up to the fantasy. Mostly because my boobs were not huge.
Anna: You and me both, sister.
Dana: It's amazing what kids can do with such a limited vocabulary. This must have been written around the same time Ghostbusters came out.
Kristine: My actual diary used words like "ping pong head" and "dum brain", so Im a card carrying lame-o too.
Frankenfinger: She did it out of love for you, clearly. Hopefully you never developed a decapitation fetish after all that.
Fanny: I know, that was close. Getting pregnant would have been awful, but luckily I didn't get my pee hole anywhere near a dirty toilet seat that night.
Prosy: Right? 19 was the worst. Talk about awkward. Now, 34 is a different story! (not really)
Its all good: Nom Nom boobies...
LiLu: I'll pay you in boob sliming. Your boobs or mine, whatever, its a win either way. Also, thanks!!
Sour: I should add those disclaimers to my posts as well. "I am drunk." or "We are medicated."
Lara: Ive never been able to draw hands, I think that was the problem. It's hard to illustrate the sliming without hands.
Kurt: Yeah, fuck those uptight bastards. She should be proud of her early sexual curiosity. I'll be sure to pass along your message. PS: Had she known about boob honks at the time, the story would have taken a whole different turn and might have been set at a circus instead of a water park.
Mona: WE ARE!! And they are HUGE!!
just a girl: Aw, I bet he regretted passing you over by the time you turned 19 and had big slimy boobs, though, right?
"They are huge."
Even your 8 year old literary prowess is amazing.
Hilarious!
Thank you for sharing this, it effing rocks.
"Sliming" is such a sexy word - he's like a giant horny slug. HOT!
Also, why does she have to walk to the hotel room stark naked (because, did he get the towel? It doesn't say) and Slug Boy just tent-poles it back in his trunks because he "is ready"?
Nope, actually his dad came out when he was in high school and in response he developed a massive coke habit. Shaved his head, lost tons of weight, and the last time I saw him, he was vaguely concentration-camp-y.
But I have big (ok medium) honkin boobs now so I SHOWED HIM.
Also, he got a PERM in like, 6th grade, so that shows how bad my taste was. A perm.
Nothing says sexy like huge slimy boobs. Sadly, when I was eight I would have told you to get your huge slimy boobs out of the way because you were squishing my Star Wars figures.
Now I'd use them as mountains for the Star Wars figures.
Oh, and my Portuguese is rusty but I'm totally down with what Chelle said though I prefer a nice Reisling and bubbles.
I love that the lifeguard was there but asleep!
"your boobs are radical"
this was great
"We are 19" was obviously a later addition, and was central to the "suspension of willing disbelief." Kudos to the 8-year-old editor.
So, did Santa ever give you your 19-year-old boobies?
Scandy: He striped me and then we played that childhood game, naked underwater zebras with huge boobs.
Peggy: I love the snoozing lifeguard. He should win an Oscar for best supporting actor in short child erotica. (Short refers to both the child and the erotica)
The Jules: Up til now it was just a little too high-brow, I agree.
Sherendipity: When you giggle, what sound do your huge bewbs make? Is that too personal? It's purely for research purposes, one professional to another. I'm just not sure I got it right with the doioioioing.
otherworldlone: I want to go back in time and teach myself how to use contractions.
Soda: Thanks! There's nothing I won't share with you guys.
Vic: I'm not sure what "ready" means here. It could mean he's had his lunch, or his nap, or has stretched out his legs. I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with a boner, though. I have so many questions that will go unanswered...
Justagirl: Yeah, you totally In-Your-Faced him with your medium sized boobs! Or wait, when you said you showed him, did you mean you showed him, like, "Hey check these out!!"
Cap Dumbass: I would have won you over by painting a pair of eyes and fat rolls on each of them and telling you they were twin Jabba the Huts. I'm really good with kids that way.
Miss Y: It was a hot, lazy day at an abandoned waterpark. The lifeguard adds an element of danger, while also implying that the owners of the pool still clean and maintain it, which is important because even as a child I was all about safety and cleanliness. It makes sense, right?
My little becky: Thanks, and welcome!
Mandy: Yes, clearly a P.S. I guess I re-read it and realized that it was much hotter if I was 19 than if I was 8. Always thinking of my audience...that's me!
Tish Tash: Santa gave me a pair of average-sized 58 year-old boobies. Santa can suck it.
Mr. Zibbs: Thank you, kind sir! (times 4)
You just totally described my weekend! (I'm a big fan of the Pretend Husband sliming on my huge boobs) (I can't believe I just wrote that sentence)
You were waaaay more imaginative at eight than I was (or, let's be honest, am now)
It's funny how she pinpointed 19 as the sexiest age possible.
Your handwriting is amazingly like a child's...did you know that?
LMAO!!
The Retirement Chronicles
This reminds me of the "love letter" I penned to Prince when I was in grade school.
It was written in purple marker on purple paper, after I had watched Purple Rain 9,000 times.
My mom found it.
So, needless to say, Prince and I never had a chance.
And I never got huge boobs, either. What a gyp. Sigh.
Ok, three lines stand out here that are totally "not happening", yet are still hilarious:
My dad let me have my own hotel room. (Yeah, right)
I'll call my Mom and say I'm sleeping over. (Somewhat plausible until you have to give the phone number for Mom to check with the parents)
He was ready - Oh, that one is always true.
Oh my god I'm crying! I'm sliming out my nose. How sexy. But seriously, that was better written than the one I have from Mike S. who WAS 19 when he wrote his! The one with the "neatly trimmed vagina" and he says rapidly like 20 times in 4 sentences.
I'm trying to figure out who wrote this one. Tell me! Tell me! Or at least tell my huge boobs.
I am simultaneously laughing and horrified - because I have an 8 year old in the house and I'm starting to wonder if she wants boys to take off her strap and slim her nonexistent boobs.
That may literally be the funniest thing I've ever read. I have been doing an ugly, uncontrollable laugh for the last twenty minutes. I literally could not see the words through the tears streaming down my face with laughter.
You are crazy funny, I love it.
very funny and crazy post. A little disturbing but funny. I love your blog! Not because of the wanna be 19 y/o with humongous knockers..
too funny - not exactly the "girl next door" were you?
I came to read your blog because Miss Yvonne told me so...and, sweet erotica-lovin' Jesus, I'm glad I did! I must say, I appreciate the fact that "WE ARE 19" is an important enough statement to make that it should take up 3 lines of text - like, "hey, mom. Just in case you find this, I want you to know that I'm SO not writing this about myself."
I had this dirty neighbor who was a little sexually advanced and we'd spend our slumber parties writing erotica - mainly inspired by VC Andrews.
Our greatest masterpiece noted the detail of "an extinct puddle of cum dries out of the disposed condom."
No joke. I was 7. Which was probably too tender of an age to sneak my dad's hidden Penthouses. At least I hope that's where I got that from...
mine are huge too, but i had to pay for them... and i sure didn't have the gift of boobs at 19... lucky you :) love this.
I wrote a similar short story titled "My Girlfriend is the Hottest Girl in the Universe". Among her virtues was (in not so many words) the fact that she would LET me perform cunnilingus on her.
Now that I am well beyond age 19, I finally see the irony...
Now I realize how reading about "sensual boob honks" played into the dream I had last night, in which a woman who couldn't get the attention of her potential sexual partner squeezed her own boob and said "honk honk." Then he clued in.
I know I'm like a year late commenting on this. But this is sincerely one of the funniest things ever written on the internet. It makes me regret (or feel relief?) that I lost/destroyed all my diaries and childhood fiction. "My boobs are huge. We are 19." So. Much. Perfection. I need to call my boyfriend and schedule a boob sliming session at the pool asap.
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