Seriously. Not even in college. I don't think.
But my point is, when I go to the market and pick out a cucumber, I'm planning on making a salad. That's it. So if you see me at the market and I'm picking out cucumbers, just stop looking at me, I know what you're thinking. I wasn't thinking about using them for anything other than salad, that is until you started staring. Now I'm thinking about it but I don't mean to.
Jesus, can't a girl just make herself a salad?
I'm blushing now, but only because of what you think I'm thinking about these cucumbers, which I'm not, or wasn't.
Watch. I'll pick out the little sickly one with pimples all over. If I were going to masturbate with a cucumber, would I use this one? No. It's all waxy and bumpy, it's practically diseased. So get off my back.
And look, I'll buy 5 or maybe even 8 sickly cucumbers, because I mean business with my salad. If I were thinking of masturbating with a cucumber, I'd only buy one. Isn't that right? One cucumber is for perverts. 8 is for hard-core health nuts and juicers. See? It's all innocent, nothing more to see here...
Hold on. 8 cucumbers looks ridiculous. 8 is even more conspicuous than one, especially resting here in my cart next to a bottle of hand lotion. Yikes.
3 cucumbers is better. 3 sickly cucumbers. I don't even notice how sickly they look, because a cucumber's a cucumber. Unless you're thinking of fucking it. Which I'm clearly not, as you can see by the diseased state of the ones I've chosen. I barely even paid attention when I was picking them out, and it shows. The checker might even ask me if I want healthier ones, and I'll laugh and say Oh I didn't even notice the poor condition of those cucumbers! Silly me! and he'll laugh in a relaxed, nonjudgmental way because of how obvious it is that I'm not buying them for masturbation.
But then when he gets on the microphone and asks the produce guy to bring 3 fresh healthy cucumbers up, the other customers might misunderstand the situation, which is that I breezily picked out these sickly cucumbers because I don't think about things like girth or firmness. They will automatically assume that I'm in need of superior, vagina-quality cukes.
3 middle-of-the-road cucumbers would be best. Plain Jane cucumbers. Forgettable cucumbers. Neither here nor there cucumbers. Totally unsexy, all-work-no-play cucumbers.
Now that I've made it into a big deal, I'm embarrassed. I realize that my defensiveness makes it seem like I am, in fact, buying a cucumber with which to masturbate. I should have just breezed by the cucumber area, lazily grabbed the first 3 I saw, and stuck them in a bag like everyone else does.
Yeah, a bag would have been good. These 3 cucumbers rolling around in my cart look like giant green dildos. A plastic baggie looks much more civilized, and proves my point that these are for eating only.
I should have just kept my mouth shut about the cucumbers.
34 comments:
I am dying over here! Seriously, you should not be allowed to be this funny. People at my work are starting to stare. And I'm definitely not telling them that I'm reading about you and your lack of desire for "superior, vagina-quality cukes."
Maybe to remedy the diseased cukes issue you could get some condoms. But stop by a drug store on the way home. And put the cukes in the trunk out-of-sight. Just in case.
Is there going to be a part 2 to this?
This is why I garden.
Dana: Why the hell are you reading about superior vagina-quality cukes at work! That's like time theft, lady. Like stealing work time and giving it to me. Carry on, then.
Star: A condomed cucumber seems just sad to me. The putting on the condom part would probably make me cry. Plus I just like the skin-to-skin feeling. (j/k)
Maelstrom: Part II: Tossing the Greek's Salad. Oooh yeah...*high five*
Susan: Smart woman. I'd probably yell out to the squirrels though, like, "I'm not going to masturbate with these, FYI!!!"
I've never masturbate with cucumbers either. Speaking of cukes, have you seen those new little ones? I think they're the ones used to make pickles. They're tiny, not that size matters because they're food and not masturbatory aids.
I'm going to go now.
Kurt: You have us all figured out. We stick everything up there. Lipstick, silverware, gift cards...I've got the remote up there right this minute, and Bryan's all "Who's changing the channel??" *wink*
Cap: I HAVE seen those! They're small, but not too small...like about the size of a Canadian's anus. Heeeeyy, Waaaaiit a second!!!
So Gherkins is slang for anal plug? Huh, who knew?
"About the size of a Canadian's anus"? I just woke up to that.
That was like a fairy tale, like when the cobbler fell asleep and woke up to find that elves had fixed all his shoes. Only with more anus.
Kurt, that's only the Canadians that aren't doing your recommended anus exercises. Those anuses are much tighter.
For some reason this reminded me of when my ex-bfs adult daughter(a very sweet girl) found a butt plug somewhere, it had a cute little handle, and she thought it was some sort of pacifier so she was asking people if they lost it.
~Mary
Whatever you do, don't buy cucumbers and bananas in the same trip to the store. The bag boys pretty much sneer the whole time you are checking out, it's very awkward.
I blogrolled the shit out of you. Did you feel it?
I fucking love you, btw.
Diane: It is in Canadia, apparently!
Kurt: **Throws Fairy Dust!** I'm like the Tinkerbell of anal penetration. "Wake up, Peter! I've made Canadian anus for breakfast!" *flutter, giggle*
Maelstrom: For those anally-fit Canadians, switch out mini-cukes for baby corn.
Mary: I would have been like, hell yeah! And slipped it on my ring finger and walked out, thinking it was a carnival prize.
Miss Y: I knew you would understand. Already I have switched to baby carrots and canned corn. It's just not worth the hassle.
LiLu: I DID feel it! My right butt cheek spasmed and I was all Oh, that Lilu!! Thank you!! I fucking love you too, if you hadn't noticed!
It's all Good: That sounds like a challenge to me...
Whenever we get cucumbers in the house I like to sneak up behind my wife, rub it on her neck and make moaning noises.
I bet eventually she'll think it's funny.
Your the funnerest person I ever read.
Dr. Z: Keep trying! There's nothing more sensual than the suggestion of cold hard pimply cock on a lady's neck. She'll come around.
Frankenfinger: Why thank you, sir. Clearly you have excellent taste. Now what/who went and frankenfied your most useful finger?
This is what ALWAYS happens to me. The worrying... not the jerking off with a cucumber.
I'd hate to be your cashier when you buy hotdogs and bananas.
I have a special affinity for the cucumber.
I'm never eating salad at your house. Maybe jello salad. No bananas in it. Maybe I'll just eat before I leave the house. I'm not very hungry anyway.
(I think that's where I always lose my keys! I always forget to look there.)
I know you're all in the cucumber aisle for the girth.
Chelle: I know, the worrying part is real. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't jerk off with a cucumber though, because then I'd look even more guilty at the market.
Prosy: You mean you'd LOVe to be my cashier, right? SO you can hold them up, waggle your eyebrows, and do the winky winky finger-through-the-hose gesture.
MM: Hmmm. You mean for its healing, soothing properties, no doubt...
Vic: I swear, it's all clean. We have a whole separate crisper for sexy foods. I KID!!!
Carolyn: Pssht. Rookie stuff. I've moved on to eggplants. (ew.) (also, ow.)
I read this great short (porn) sotry once about a woman who would do the nasty with all the veggies, and then cook them up for dinner for her family.
Nope, not sure where I was going with that one...
Oh my god. I just bought an English cucumber on Saturday. A single, long, sheathed-in-plastic English cucumber. Obviously, I can never go back to that store.
ok, mental note...cucumbers are for salads...not vaginas. Shit, I should right this down.
Anyhow, I've had two kids by way of the juicer so I am more of a yellow squash kind of gal.
you are a new read to me and a keeper ;)
It's nearly as embarrassing as when I went in to an Anne Summers shop and bought some edible knickers cos I was peckish.
To save face, I also bought a gimp mask with a billiard ball in the mouth, so the cashier would think I was on my way to a debauched suburban sex session, and not because the sweetshop was closed.
Rachel:Sounds sexy!! On opposite day!!!!
Nate's mom: I think you can go back, as long as you don't ever use the word "sheathed" there, ever. If you're going to use that word, you might as well just stick it up there while waiting in line at the register, because that's what they'll be thinking anyway. Dirty cashiers...
Bar-b: Handy tip: Fold a paper in half length-wise and in the left hand column, list things for eating. In the right hand one, things for putting in vaginas. I know, it's simple, but it helps...
Jules: Um, say what now?
Well, if I did that, then by the time I got to the register I could hand it back and say, "Yeah, I'm all set with this now. Can you put it back for me?" Since it's sheathed and all, they could totally do that, right? Completely sanitary.
Just saw card this on Postsecret, and thought of your blog ;-):
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SdgMsWuc_sI/AAAAAAAAIig/eObyEGEvqkw/s1600-h/banana.jpg
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wish I could claim I never had these thoughts...
I thought I was insane for being a paranoid everyone-thinks-this-goes-in-my-vagina cucumber-picker-outer until I read this.
<3 you.
Are we brain twins or have you just been peeping on me while I shop/live?
PS Do you ever watch HSN to chuckle compassionately at those sexy models that have to wear the pastel cotton capri sets?
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