I've been known to drink a little. Here and there. Now and then. Truthfully, though, I can count the number of times I was drunk in 2009 on one hand, even if you cut off my thumb and pinky. And maybe my index finger down to the knuckle. I don't know, whatever, math is hard.
At this year's New Year's Eve party, I did not get drunk.
Alright, I got a little drunk. Barely. It was a very grown-up kind of drunk though. Like, drunk enough to put a flashing neon koosh ball in each of my bra cups so that whenever I met someone new I could punch myself in each boob, like bam!bam! and then hold my hand out, "Nice to meet you!" like a fancy lady with green and orange technoboobs.
But not drunk enough to re-enact my own birth in 4-part sequence in the photo booth, by convincing my mom to stand on the bench as I emerged from under her long, flowy skirt, wide-eyed and innocent. Not this year.
This year I was drunk enough to bury a bottle of wine in a planter for later. I learned that from my dogs. It's the best trick ever.
But not drunk enough to press my index finger firmly into any of the male guests' ambiguous crotch bulges and ask, "Is that your penis, or your zipper? I think it is your penis, because it feels squishy."
Sometimes it's just a warped zipper, and when it is a warped zipper, I'm hailed as a fashion hero. Nobody wants a warped zipper. But when it's not a warped zipper, but rather a squishy penis, I'm not a hero. But that's okay, because I'd rather be a hero 50% of the time and a weirdo drunk poker of penii 50% of the time, than neither of those things 100% the time. It's like Spiderman. No...no it's like how it's better to have loved and lost than never....No, it's more like Spiderman.
But my point is...barely drunk this year.
And the way I accomplished this was by avoiding cameras. Because you can get as drunk as you want, and if nobody has proof of it and if it never ends up on Facebook, it never happened. It's like the old proverb...If a Becky gets drunk in the forest, and nobody tags her on Facebook, did she really get drunk in the forest? No. She didn't.
But I was not always this clever. I was not always such a stealth avoider of cameras.
There was a time before Facebook, when I didn't mind having my picture taken while drinking. Because, why not? Who's gonna see them? Pssh. Certainly not 372 of my closest Internet friendishes! Because hey...what the hell's an Internet anyhow? If anything goes wrong, I'll just burn the negative! Yay!!
But it's lucky for you that I was so footloose and fancy-free with the getting my picture taken, because if not for that, there would be no...
LESSONS IN DRUNK: A PHOTOGRAPHIC JOURNEY
Tip 1) How to Pose Drunk
Smiling for the camera should feel natural. Relax your face, and offer a serene, comfortable expression, one that expresses maturity and sophistication and conveys that you're having a lovely time at this gathering, and above all, you are a lady. A lady with class. Be cool and confident. Don't overdo it.
Parties? Yeah, they're ok.
I'm more of a cuddle-up-with-a-good-book kind of girl though.
Tip 2) When to Say When
The most difficult thing about social drinking is when to know when you've had enough. Take some time to evaluate how you feel. Are you dizzy? Is your language appropriate for the crowd in attendance? When your friends come to say goodbye, are you able to restrain yourself from climbing up onto the hood of their truck to prevent them from leaving?
Oh, must you leave so soon? Pity.
It was wonderful to see you. Please come again!
Tip 3) Drinking 101
It's common for young people who are beginning to experiment with alcohol to test their limits. College is a prime example of this. For you young readers, remember, moderation is key to a healthy lifestyle. Look for the signs. Stop drinking if 1) You feel nauseous 2) You feel you are about to make a bad decision 3) You find yourself in a potentially compromising position 4) You find yourself at a bar in Cancun, a bartender named Beto is holding your head back by your ponytail and pouring something down your throat via baby bottle 5) You are thrown in the pool and your 90's rolled-up denim shorts now weigh 50 lbs, yet because you are no quitter, you simply tighten your braided leather belt to keep them from falling down, and you persevere....
Gather together, ladies.
It's time for the always classy "group portrait in the restroom".
Ready? Camera centered? Alright then. Big smiles!
How does one say "sensual boob honk" en espanol?
Tip 4) Not falling down
This one's tricky. Because sometimes your friend is way drunker than you, and that friend begins her descent and grabs a hold of your teeny tiny 90's backpack-purse straps ipod earbud cords for support and takes you down with her. That's understandable. This one is totally not my your fault. Let's move on.
Could this floor BE any more slippery?
HAHAHAHA, sigh. "Friends" is the best show ever.
Tip 5) Celebrating Important Events
It's easy to lose one's head and get carried away on important nights, such as birthdays and weddings and historical presidential elections. When this happens, and you've made some bad decisions and perhaps had too much to drink, consider the quick "power nap" strategy of recovery. The best thing about a power nap is it clears your head, sobers you up, and it can be done anywhere, even a driveway.
Warning: A well-meaning female friend will undoubtedly approach for the obligatory "comforting back rub", and in this instance a sharp, "Leem lone!! Go way!! I'm n' puke!" will allow you the peace you require to nap undisturbed.
Heavens. It appears I've lost a contact.
I swear I would lose my head if it weren't screwed on tight.
Tip 6) Your 21st birthday
Congratulations. You are a woman. Your friends will likely take you out to eat, maybe even at a restaurant with lots of tall indoor plants, if you're lucky. By this time, you have learned to drink responsibly and you are ready to reveal your maturity to the world.
By all means, have that margarita! Have a second! Remember to eat your dinner though, because food helps to...wow, you really blew through that drink. Handy tip: The face you make upon releasing the straw of your margarita after sucking the whole thing down is not a pretty one. You clearly have brain freeze, also wonk eye, also are you having a stroke? Take a moment to compose yourself.
Or not. *sigh*
These margaritas are simply divine. I do believe I'll have another.
Garcon? *snap snap*
