Me: (grimace)
My friend, Belle: (glare)
Me: (grits teeth)
Belle: (raises eyebrows)
Me: (leans to the side)
Belle: Becky. I know you're farting and I want you to stop.
Me: What?? My shoe squeaked. Listen, when I scuff it... like this... It's hard to recreate the exact noise, but...
Belle: Oh really? Is the sole of your shoe made of ass?
Me: This place, it's just scary to me, it makes my tummy all nervous and upset.
Belle: Listen, if coming with me to my cancer treatments makes you so upset, you don't have to come. But if you're going to fart, just step outside.
Me: I promise I won't fart in your treatment cubicle again.
Belle: Well, thank--
Me: Oh my God I farted AGAIN, like RIGHT when I said the word "promise," how weird is that? So ironic.
Belle: I'm tied to this IV, you know that, right? I'm trapped here while you hotbox us in here. This is just like that movie "Saw." I'm gonna have to cut my arm off to get away from the smell.
Me: I'm sorry, I want to be supportive. I want to be a good friend and help keep things light and fun but uugghh! I swear it feels like I'm being smothered by a pillow made from the feathers plucked from the GOOSE OF CANCER! I can't breathe! Why does this whole place smell like hot coffee breath?
Belle: Take your head out of your sweatshirt.
Me: (Gasp!) Oh thank God. It's much better out here.
Belle: Listen, they said I should just relax while my IV drip is going, so I'm gonna just lean my head back and...
Me: (excited face) (makes trucker horn gesture) RAAHHPP RAAAAAAHHHPPP!!!
Belle: Wow. You're not even gonna try to hide it anymore? Alright, get out.
Me: No no no, I'll fix it. You won't even smell it. Watch. (Exhales to empty lungs, then breathes in long and deep through nose, moving head slowly from side to side)
Belle: Oh good. You brought your vacuum.
Me: (opens supply cabinet, blows it in, quickly closes door)
Belle: (dead stare)
Me: (excited face) Ta-DA!
Belle: (hateful, rueful, stare)
Me: All gone!
Belle: It's not gone.
Me: It is! I reversed the distribution of offending aromatic molecules. Science!
Belle: Science? Exactly what branch of science involves nose-vacuuming up your own fart and blowing it into a supply cabinet at a cancer clinic?
Me: What branch of sci...?? Bitch, do I look like freaking Steven Hawking to you? Why don't you cool it with the trivia, okay?
Belle: What? You brought it up! You said, "It's science!"
Me: I've stopped listening to you because you're boring, but hey check this out, if I blow up this latex glove like a balloon and stick it on my tummy, it's like I'm a cow kinda. Mooooooo!! Check out my udder, yo. It's full a milk. Moooooo!
Belle: ...
Me: Mooooooooo! No, wait. It's more like.... Mmmmmmuhhhhhhhhhh!!
Belle: ...
Me: MMMMUHHHHHHHH! MMMUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Belle: If you think I can't hear you farting over the sound of your cow noises, you're mistaken.
Me: Damn. Okay, sorry. Lemme just... (nose vacuums, nose vacuums...looks for a place to blow it)
Belle: Uh oh, what now? Can't use the cabinet, you'll let the other one out!
Me: (panicking, grabs her purse off the floor)
Belle: Not in my purse. NOTINMYPURSE!
Me: (Reaches for her boot)
Belle: Let go my foot! Oh my God!!
Me: (Grabs can of Pringles out of lunch bag, uncaps, blows inside, puts cap back on) Phew! That was close.
Belle: Um... I wasn't done with those.
Me: Holy shit, this Pringles can? Is this the best fart trapper ever or what? Look at this snappy little lid!
Belle: Yeah, that's what I was thinking when I packed it. I thought to myself, Hey I should pack these Pringles, in case Becky has her anxiety farts during my cancer treatment and nose-vacuums it up and needs a place to blow it.
Me: I mean, Ziplocs are handy and everything, but nothing like this Pringles can. You know what? Oh my God, you know what would be even better?
Belle: Not having cancer?
Me: If I just, like, lined the inside of the tube with strips of magazine perfume samples, and then cut a hole in the end of the Pringles can...
Belle: Yes! And then after that, what if you made an appointment with your doctor to discuss ADD medication...
Me: ...then I could blow the fart INTO the tube and it could come OUT the other side smelling good! And the magazine strips would flutter out the other end in celebration, like streamers! Like BRAAAHHHPP! HAPPY NEW YEAR! ALSO, WHOOSH! EXTREME FART MAKEOVER!
Belle: Okay, people are watching now. Could you just remove my Pringles can from your behind and stand up straight now?
Me: Man, what a neat invention. I'm like the Thomas Edison of farts.
Belle: Yeah. Hey, this is entertaining and everything, but I think I'm good. You can go now. I'm just gonna sit here and eat my sandwich and finish my can of fart, and I'll call you later.
Me: No, wait, I'm sorry, I'm just nervous. I'm sorry I farted in your chips. I'll settle down.
Belle: Okay. You promise you'll leave if you get upset tummy again?
Me: (folds arms over gurgley tummy)
Belle: Uh oh. Becky? Say it. Promise.
Me: I promise I'll--No, wait, I just farted again. Start over.
Belle: Come on!!
Me: I promise I--hold on, time out. MOOOOOOOOOO!!
Belle: Again, not fooling anyone.
Me: (nose vacuums, blows into a potted plant) Perfect. Plant respiration will clean it up and shoot it back out all clean. Science!
Belle: It's a fake plant.
Me: Crap.
***
Hey you. Yes YOU. You in the skin. Did you know it was my birthday on Thursday? Well it was. Oh, you didn't get me anything? That's alright. No really. It's okay. Hey, you know what though? You could always just GO HERE and vote for me up in the top left-hand corner. I'm currently neck-and-neck with a woman jeweler named Wendy.
She is beautiful and fashionable. I am growing a beard.
She probably wins all the prizes all the time. I won a third place ribbon at a rodeo when I was 12 for "Best Horsemanship," but I think that was only because I liked to kiss my horse, Razzle Dazzle, on the mouth so much. I don't think I even participated in the rodeo.
Okay, Razzle Dazzle wasn't even my horse.
Okay, Razzle Dazzle was a donkey.
She writes about fashion and celebrity. I just wrote a post about farting in a Pringles can. My point is... vote for me because I'M ONE OF YOU!!
*awkward silence cricket*
Right? Right, you guys?
***
UPDATE: Voting's closed, the contest is over and we KICKED ASS. Ripped that shit right up. Holy crap. You guys are like voter piranha.
I've never won anything before, and now I have, so I'm done. If I ever send out a plea for something again, it'll be for something unselfish and worthwhile. Now that I've seen what you can do, I won't waste it on some blog award.
Thank you.
59 comments:
I'd be totally pumped about my favo blog having a new post if it weren't for the Cancer. Who's 'her'???? I'll vote for you only AFTER you tell us. Yes, that's right. That's how I do.
ps--I'd be happy to collect pringles cans for your next birthday. And perfume samples. That way you get two gifts, and the chance to craft the night away! You'll be on HSN with your magic fart vacuum-->perfumey scented genius in no time.
Yikes! That IS weird and unexplained. I didn't want to use her name, and I thought a fake name would be just as confusing. "Her" is my friend who has cancer. She's gonna be alright though. Her latest scans were clean.
Okay, Brklyn, I changed it! I gave her a (fake) name. Now go vote.
alright. I can accept that. off to vote for you.
Hoping your friend finds herself well and recovers quickly from the fart assault that you launched upon her. And the cancer.
haha great post! i voted for you!
A friend and I invented a fart filtering device back in 1987, but never reached the prototype phase. It was a flat and could be inserted in the pocket of specially designed underwear. You could even get different scents. We were going to call it the "doody disk"---a working title, really. I think your Pringles can idea is good on the fly, but ultimately it's just too conspicuous.
I picture Razzle Dazzle like the donkey version of Liberace.
Also, I heard donkeys have really soft lips. I did. I heard that. Somewhere.
I was vote number 135 for you. Good race for first and second although I'm also excited for that third place race. I think it was 7 to 4 or something like that. Obviously those two other chumps have no idea that the pulse of America is all about baubles and having fun with cancer and farting.
Laughing so hard I can't breathe. My husband was in the other room and had to ask if I was OK. I'm going to make him his own scented Pringles can. In the meantime, I'll teach him how to be his own fart vacuum.
Damn. Can't vote for you again. I would totally buy a fart filter. I can't believe it hasn't been invented yet for real. Either that or they're keeping that science to themselves. Jerks.
Hospitals always make my stomach hurt too. I don't fart though. Because I'm a lady.
I just hold it in until my stomach starts to hurt so bad I need to go throw up.
wow, i just laughed so hard, i'm pretty sure i woke my kid up. and peed a little. laughter heals, so you bring healing with you, wherever you fart. keep up the good work.
i voted.
oh my god i jsut peed a little.
How could I have stayed away from you this long? Oh how I have missed you. This was beautiful.
I think you may be the new face of cancer research... uh... donation asking for. How much wine have I had? Anyway, you just need to come up with a fart coloured wristband and you're good to go.
You are the Thomas Edison of farts! You just made my day.
The poet laureate of gas passing, Becky. You hit my funny bone in a way I thought rarely possible.
You're crushing the joolery chick! But you should try to post every day from now until the contest is over anyway, just to be sure.
Do your pringle-can fart filters work for dogs? Because nothing so far has been able to suppress Stella's Xmas anxiety-and-table-scrap induced WMDs. They smell like burning dog shit being doused by liquid dog shit.
That mostly how my conversations with ME go...LOVED the post! :D And voting for you right now :D
i duly voted.
and laughed so much my boyfriend wants to read this post. i'll let you know what HE thinks...
his words: "nice."
well, psssh, clearly he doesn't have our sense of humor.
also, i really want an empty pringles can to test this theory: if i fart into one, will i be able to smell the fart, hours later? because lemme tell you, that would be a FANTASTIC gag gift.
I voted, I voted! Please don't hit me with that Pringles can! I KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN!
The Pringles can seemed logical, since apparently once you popped you couldn't stop.
Also, if Extreme Fart Makeover had Ty Pennington in it, it would be better if your farts had the power to kill people although they probably already do.
Hate that guy.
Wait, you have a friend named Belle? Do you two live in an enchanted castle together with a giant beast? Do your farts come to life and sing songs once they're out? Please invite me over.
If you friend is cured of cancer, it will be because of your magic farts, and NOT because of the chemo. THEN, the drug companies will offer to buy your ass only to resell it to science for 5 times as much.
Don't sell.
First I can't believe not a single person has made a Thomas Dolby reference yet. So fine, I'll do it, Miss Sakamoto. Not only did you blind us with science and toxic farts, you made my day.
And on a douchey serious note, I think it's beautiful that you sat through her treatment with her. Not that I'm even the slightest bit surprised you would do such a thing. 2011 is yours, Becky. I just know it.
Did you help me win my fucking Twaggie T-Shirt? Huh? No....well I did it any way. And for that I will totally help you win...in fact I just did and you know what you are winning, just because of me!
Also this post has so many awesome things, pringles...farts...cancer, oh wait actually the only awesome thing is you holding your friends hand through it all, even if you said pull my finger.
I couldn't keep the laughter in after "Not in my purse. NOTINMYPURSE!" You SO have my vote.
I voted for you, nobody brings the fart humor better! Moooogs comment made me think of a show with you farting and Ty with some sort of reverse bullhorn sucking up all the gas and blowing it into his face until he passes out.
That thought made me happy and my loins tingle.
Right. If I ever have cancer, I want you.
check out my udder, yo! omg, the pringles can fart trapper and new year's party streamers! holy shit this was funny.
just voted for you!
You should just do what my husband did when he wanted to smoke pot at his parents' house during college. You get yourself the cardboard center from a toilet paper roll, stuff it loosely with crumpled paper towels and affix a couple of dryer sheets to the end with a rubber band.
Then, after you suck up your farts, you exhale through the open end of the tube.
The more you know. *shooting star with rainbow trail.*
I shall never look at Pringles the same way again.
Ever.
You're just like the female Bill Nye.
Right bitch!
LMAO - the Thomas Edison of farts. That rocks! I bow to your humor. Belle is lucky to have such a great friend to go with her to cancer treatments and distract her from the treatment with her gastrointestinal drama!
Happy birthday too - gonna go vote
Belated happy burpday Fartgirl! And I think your generous sharing of your air biscuits only proves your on going charity work for the world.
Also, you should probably patent and market FartTrapperz TM because the world needs those. And I can totally see knock off versions monopolizing the Dollar Stores of America in less than six months.
You and Wendy are both my blog buddies, WHAT SHALL I DO????
I totally voted for you because we are SO ALIKE. I have also kissed a donkey on the lips. Okay it wasn't a donkey. It was my cat. My boy cat that I named Buffy because I wanted to see if I could turn a cat gay and still get him to make out with me.
See? So alike.
So your farts are toxic, or they cure cancer? Because either way, I'll pay you to fart on some people.
If I could just move the cancer to the other people and cut out the middleBecky, I would. BUT THAT'S NOT HOW THE WORLD WORKS.
Also, "hey, you in the skin!" is totally going into my repertoire at work.
Voted for you. Also, I want one of those fart machines, please. I'll pay you for it. Not, like, with MONEY, but I'd totally pay you for it in...uh...love? Yeah. That's it. Love.
This reminds me of my friend Jami, she farts all the time.. it seems like something she would do. Please keep being amazing, you're one of the funniest online:)
I'm laughing so hard that my eyes are watering and my kids are asking me what's so funny! I'm sorry your friend has cancer. I'm really, really glad I'm not the only one who enjoys fart humor.
Sorry, got here too late for the contest. But I'm totally calling you if I ever get cancer.
DUDE! Now your lungs stink, you know.
You told me to vote and I went to vote and couldn't figure out how to vote and I felt really stupid and sad and awkward and I'm pretty sure I was starting to get anxious-tummy myself and there are NO Pringles here.
Then I read the rest of your post where it says voting is closed and all I could think was THANK GOD I'M NOT STUPID. (That's what that means, right? That's I'm not stupid?)
(I totally would have voted for you.)
(My birthday was Sunday.)
You told me to vote and I went to vote and couldn't figure out how to vote and I felt really stupid and sad and awkward and I'm pretty sure I was starting to get anxious-tummy myself and there are NO Pringles here.
Then I read the rest of your post where it says voting is closed and all I could think was THANK GOD I'M NOT STUPID. (That's what that means, right? That's I'm not stupid?)
(I totally would have voted for you.)
(My birthday was Sunday.)
I always sing the Last Christmas song as "...I gave you my fart. The very next day, you gave it away." Now I know where I can save it. I was thinking a coffee can, but a Pringles can is so much better. Thank you.
Funny Stuff I Write
Happy New Year! I've just picked you for an award. Do check it out and pass it on! :)
I think you ought to call the Pringles people about your fart filter - you may really have something there.
Happy New Year Becky!
I think you ought to call the Pringles people about your fart filter - you may really have something there.
Happy New Year Becky!
I had no idea you can nose-vacuum up a fart. I'm so trying that.
You've been quoted!
http://qoddessquotesblogs.blogspot.com/2011/01/quotes-december-31-2010.html
oh I just voted. I might have been late, but it's the thought that counts. You deserve to win because farts beat fashion any time. Also, I was thinking, if you really wanted to make a butt spoof to filter your farts into smelling good, you should use fabric softener sheets. That's what we used to filter bong hits in college and I think it might work just as well on poop stink. You scent could go from hot garbage to sunny cotton blankets in no time.
I die. Bwaahaahahaa!! That was hilarious! Kris of Pretty all true sent me. Hilarious! Sursly.
Oh seriously! That was the funniest thing I've read in a really, really, really long time! I was laughing so hard that I was crying and my nose was running! Awesomeness!
Here from Pretty All True!
OMG! This is awesome. You are a sciencey genius!
Here by way of Pretty All True.
You made my day all better.
I am dying over here, that was the funniest thing I have read in ages. Here from Pretty All True and SO glad Kris sent me.
This pringles idea?
Genius!!
And could be sold at a lot of taco joints!
Tears.. in... eyes... laughing....
Okay, if I ever have to go through chemo, I'm bringing you. Not to sit with me - my nose is far too sensitive - but to sit next too/stalk anyone who pisses me off.
I don't know if I'll ever look at a Pringles can the same way again. Maybe my 4 year son can do that trick.
It's science after all.
Here from Pretty All True.
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