Nana's Nigerian nurse is telling my dog Juanita that she's going to sew her a traditional Nigerian outfit and that, when Juanita travels back to Nigeria with her to visit her family, they will have a parade for her. She's teaching Juanita a traditional dance that involves clapping to a fast rhythm.
"Dance along wid me, my little Nigerian princess! *clapclapclap* YA-YA-YA!"
Juanita is a rapt audience, but Nigerian Nurse doesn't realize that Juanita's eyes are only tracking her hand movements because she has a smear of sweet potato on her wrist.
She can't wait for Juanita to meet her newborn niece, who has a name that translates to mean "Honor."
Me: Honor, that's a nice name. Does your name mean anything in Nigerian?
Nigerian Nurse: My name, it means "Bone on a weekaind."
Me: Bone? Oh, born on a weekend? Hm. So you were born on a weekend then?
Nigerian Nurse: No, I was bone on a Too-esday.
Me: Right. Makes sense.
Nigerian Nurse: Juanita is a powahful name. Dees dog has de haht of a lion.
Me: Yeah, well. She's food aggressive, so maybe.
Nigerian Nurse: Yes I know! She try to bite me befoah!
Me: What? Why? I'm sorry! Why would she do that??
Nigerian Nurse: I try to pick huh up, and she show me huh teets, she is a warriah!
Me: She showed you her tits?
Nigerian Nurse: Yes. Huh sharp teets.
Me: Her...sharp...tits?? Her nipples are kind of...crusty, I guess.
Nigerian Nurse: No. Huh sharp teets! Teets...ths. *growly face*
Me: Oh! Her sharp teeth? That's odd. I wonder why she bared her teeth. How did you pick her up?
Nigerian Nurse: Like dees. *Puts both hands around Juanita's neck and tries to lift her*
Me: OH MY GOD!! STOP! WHA?? YOU CAN'T...HOLY SHIT!! She's not a fucking SNAKE!!
Nigerian Nurse: She deedn't like it, she tell me wid heh teets.
Me: Yeah, I bet she told you with her teeth. You don't have much experience with dogs, do you.
Nigerian Nurse: No, I don't know many dogs befo-ah Juanita. Juanita is my fehst dog friend.
Me: That's nice. She's a good dog.
...
Me: Um, whatcha doin?
Nigerian Nurse: Petteen heh on heh face.
Me: With a spoon?
Nigerian Nurse: Yes, I show heh dat I love heh wid deh spoon, because I am a-freed to touch heh. She is a wild dog, a fierce warriah. *pong, pong, pong, spoon on dog head*
Me: Hmm. She seems to love you, despite you rapping her on the head with a spoon like that. How strange.
Nigerian Nurse: It's because she know I love heh too. I give heh treats to show heh. Lot of treats like, oh, you know, like, de bah-nah-nahs, and de lettuce, and what else I geeve heh? Cereal, and crab meat, and chicken soup...
Me: What? Okay, no. You know what? My mistake. I should have mentioned this before, but she really shouldn't eat human food...
Nigerian Nurse: And she love hummus, and deh Skinneh Cow ice cree-am sandwich...
Me: ....you know, because she's a dog, and dogs eat dog food only, and sometimes she gets an upset stomach....
Nigerian Nurse: And sometime cookie, but not too much of de cookie because she has to keep heh fig-yuh, so I give heh deh healty Luna Bar, and deh yogurt for healty lady to make deh lady poop on time, it's called...I can't remembah, you know what I'm tinking of?
Me: *sigh* Activia?
Nigerian Nurse: Yes. She love dat. Acti-veeeahhhhh!!! *claps and sings for Juanita* Sing along wid me, my Nigerian princess! Acti-vvveeeaaahhh!!
Juanita: *circus dog jumps, waves arms in the air* ActiviAAAAHHHH!!!
Me (telepathically): Um...what are you doing?
Juanita (telepathically back): Jumpin' around with my new best friend, is what. Mind your own business. I'm a fucking Nigerian princess.
Me: We're going home. You are SUCH a food whore.
Juanita: Dude, she just GIVES it to me on a spoon. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Say no?
Me: Well, yeah, when she starts breaking out the ice cream sandwiches, maybe, I don't know, just maybe you could show some restraint.
Juanita: Have you ever HAD Skinny Cow brand ice cream sandwiches? Seriously?? Only 150 calories? Half the fat, all the taste. Or...all the fat, double the taste, if you have two. Or if you have three, it's all the fat plus another half of the fat and triple the taste, which is the best way, I think.
Me: Well, this explains the dried diarrhea all over your ass-fur.
Juanita: That's not mine.
Me: Not your diarrhea? Some other dog made diarrhea on your ass fur? So, they backed up against you, butt to butt, and assploded all over you, is what you're saying?
Juanita: Maybe, or maybe I sat in diarrhea earlier. Some other dog left her diarrhea laying around and I sat in it probably, you know how it is. *sniffs butt* Nope, not mine.
Me: I'm not going to argue the source of your diarrhea ass-hair. This is insane.
Juanita: What. Come on. Like you never got someone else's diarrhea on your ass before? Oh, okay, Miss Hoity-Toity diarrhea snob. Oooh, look at Princess Becky, she's too good for other people's diarrhea...
Me: That's just hurtful. I'll have you know I am NOT too good for other people's diarrhea!!
Juanita: Heh. So you're not good enough for other people's diarrhea, is what you're saying?
Me: No. I mean...I...I'm just exactly good enough...equal in value to other people's diarrhea...Wait, this doesn't even make sense, what were we talking about before?
Juanita: We were talking about delicious Skinny Cow sandwiches and you lost your mind and started rambling about diarrhea. Now, please return me to the nurse lady, Princess Diarrhea, I have a date with a parfait.
Me: No, that's not gonna happen. I'm thinking it's time to go home.
Juanita: That's interesting. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking later tonight, maybe while you're brushing your teeth, your pillow's gonna sit in someone else's diarrhea.
Me: I'm thinking your threats don't scare me one bit.
Juanita: Again, interesting. Because I'm thinking maybe your pillow, in its infinite prescience in knowing you would respond to my threats that way, already sat in someone else's diarrhea this morning, right after you left the house.
Me: ...
Juanita: Yeah. Reckanize.
76 comments:
"Or if you have three, it's all the fat plus another half of the fat and triple the taste, which is the best way, I think."
Nigerian Princess is smart. This IS totally the best way. For almost everything. Except maybe where peen is concerned. Three is too many. Two is just right.
Team Nigerian Princess! However I must take her to task for promoting low-fat ice cream when everyone knows it is evil.
PS - Okay, I seriously love the Nigerian Nurse. Like, unhealthy amounts of love.
"The haht of a lion" - precious.
Petting a dog with a spoon... Interesting.
I would really love to do a post about my Grandpa's Pilipino girlfriend, but I don't want people to get all offended. See, YOU can get away with that sort of thing.
And...HAVE you ever had Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwiches?! Mmmm. AND they're only 1 weight watcher point a piece! How do I know this? Because my mother did WWs for 2 years and made everyone else eat like her. Skinny Cows were my saving grace for a long time.
But that was then. This is now. And I eat real food. Like Oreos and Trix yogurt. Holla.
P.S. - I'm too good for anyone's diarrhea.
"So, they backed up against you, butt to butt, and assploded all over you, is what you're saying?"
Oh God. Yes.
SMG: Yes. Two peen is just right. That's why the saying goes "Two's company, three's a crowd," they were talking about peen crowding up your lady business.
Soda: I know, I love her too. When I come over, she goes, "Juanita Juanita Juanita my beautiful friend!!"
Em: Yeah, she's like Edward Scissorhands, but with spoons.
Aly: Diarrhea elitist. Also, yes, it appears I can get away with anything. I don't really understand it either.
Elly Lou: I'm picking Juanita's crusty nipples at this very moment, and feeding it to her. You should try it. I bet it's salty. And lowfat.
Jon: That's the preferred method of diarrhea transference, I've heard. I learned that while researching one of my earlier advice posts. The more you know!! *wink*
Kurt: If I had sharp nipples I would do something sexy with them, like etch a love note in the bathroom mirror while he was in the shower. Or cut my wrists with them when he tries to leave. Dudes love that kind of thing. Right?
It sounds like you're probably lucky Juanita only assplodes. There's only so much people food a dog can injest before she explodes like a Moltov cocktail. I think Juanita is one corn chip away from detonation.
Your nigerian nurse is a hoot.. and I have sharp tits too.. I mean teeth
I bet if I pet someone's dog with a spoon, they'd be scared that I'm going to eat the dog. Damn being Asian...I shall pet dogs with a stick from now on because I'm afraid of the sharp tits.
So petting animals with silverware is a Nigerian thing, huh? Who knew. And I feel damn lucky to be in the online presence of someone with so much knowledge of diarrhea transference. I'm learning so much over here!
Picked her up by the neck? Niiicceee. Good thing she feeds her so well.
Woah, Nigerian Nurse, let's be clear about one thing. You never - NEVER EVER FREAKING EVER NEVER - waste a Skinny Cow on an animal that will happily eat turds. If you need to feed a Skinny Cow to someone, feel free to send it my direction. I'm in Kansas. Come find me.
I've found a spoon is indeed the best way to pet a dog. Forks make them show their tits, and I really don't like that.
Jen: If I ever have to put her to sleep, instead of that, I'm going to stick a fuel-soaked rag in her ass and light her on fire and throw her off a cliff. (You know what? In my head, that sounded way more "Viking funeral" and less "gruesome torturous" than it came out. So scratch that idea.)
Miss O: I use my sharp tits to show dominance over other ladies.
Tony: I wouldn't be scared if you came at my dog with a spoon at all. Unless you looked like this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VDvgL58h_Y
Foxy: Stick with me, I'll teach you things. I'm a well of information. For example, the divot between your nose and top lip? Your philtrum. You're welcome.
Kate: It seems as though Juanita will undergo a little shoulder dislocation if it means extra crab cakes.
Kate: Happily eat turds? Kind of an overstatement. Reluctantly eat turds, maybe. Neither here nor there regarding turds, but if there's nothing else going on, maybe.
Ziva: Oh, and don't even try it with a spork. She'll show you her tits big time.
Well, I just did my ab workout for the day. I was seriously leaning over laughing so hard it hurts and I hate you for that. I'm too hungover for laughter. First rule of hangovers: Eggs. Eat them. Second rule of hangovers: Don't fucking laugh so goddamn much.
Also, I'm kidnapping Juanita.
You know, I almost didn't read this.
I thought it said, "Just like Princess Di, only less anal ..." but then I saw it said, "... only less ana ..." and I was like, "This isn't about buttsecs?"
But then I thought, "Well, if it were, it would have been 'less anal' and this is just 'less ana' so maybe there's more anal, and anything Becky writes that has more anal in it is bound to be legendary."
Juanita is kind of an asshole. Don't take offense. I mean, I know she's your dog and everything, but come ON. Poor Nigerian nurse thinks Juanita is her friend, but really Juanita is just using her for junk food so she can poop on your pillow. So she can poop on your pillow.
See, it's just like your Mommy blogger! All that talk about what to eat, and sewing clothes and poop! Now, you just need complain about your stomach skin...
These exchanges with Nana's Nigerian Nurse make me wish I had some terribly horrid and debilitating condition so I could get a Nigerian Nurse of my own.
*fakes rolling dice* Come on, spinal injury! Mama needs a spinal injury! Or Type II insulin-dependent diabetes that causes my feet to decompose!
I know what hummus does to the air near my backside. I don't what to even imagine what it does to a dog's farts.
She is an adorable Nigerian Princess! Kobe once rolled around in some other dogs diarrhea. He had it smeared all over the top of his head and ears and neck. It was disgusting. He got a hose bath for that one. You nasty dog, you nasty.
Oh Bex Bex Bex...
Maybe the Nigerian Nurse has been sneaking over to my house in the middle of the night and convincing my dogs that they are princesses, too. That's pretty much the only explanation for their attitudes.
It also explains why one of them is roughly the size of a walrus, even though I only feed her dog food and make her run (well, as much as a walrus can run).
I always try not to laugh when I read this blog at work, but it never failed that yours is always the one that has me giggling at my desk like a moron. And the comments are just as good.
Frankly, I don't consider it a proper night out until I've sat in someone else's diarrhea. I don't know what finishing school YOU went to, but that was in etiquette 101.
This is the best thing I've read all day.
I don't trust that dog; I'd be carrying my pillow with me *everywhere* from now on.
You can't be too careful.
Remember when I thought Juanita was the Nigerian Nurse's name?
That was funny.
Juanita seems like an okay dog. Everyone around me loves dogs...eventually I will just have to like them as well.
Maybe I'll start with Juanita. As long as I don't ever have to be around her, it should be okay, right?
I don't think I've ever commented on a stranger's blog before. I am creepy, so it stands to reason I would only creep. Anyways, I never read you till today and now I am ashamed because I am crying from laughing at work and it's all your fault, so I felt you should know.
I kept waiting for the "poo-seh" joke. It's okay, though- the *pong pong pong* bit and the "She's not a fucking snake" bit totally made up for it.
I love Nigerian Nurse.
Also, I have to stop believing your blogs at some point. And some day, SOME DAY I WILL. But for today please give Juanita the Nigerian Princess a telepathic "Hey-o".
My SIL's often complain when it's cold that their nipples could cut glass like diamonds which scared me a little.
Interesting. Sharp Tits was my college nickname.
By the way, I love that dog. I may have squealed a bit at the pics.
Love Skinny Cows. I like to eat 8 of them and then purge myself.
Holy fucking god. I just pissed myself from laughing so hard at this post. I love your blog.
Ahhh... the petting spoon. that brings back memories of me in my crib. The petting spoon is so much better than the petting fork. Trust me.
Too good or not good enough for other people's diarrhea...I'd keep a close eye on my pillow.
I LOVE Nigerian Nurse! And Juanita of course :).
Um... I think I just diarrhea-d all over MY pillow from laughing so hard at this post. I cannot, for the life of me, get the image of Nigerian Nurse pong-pong-ponging Juanita on the head out of MY head. And I can't stop laughing out loud thinking about it. Jeesus. I'm laughing out loud right now.
Came back to see if you responded to my comment, and then I went to the link, and I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING!
I laughed like an English donkey when I read this.
I also read bits out loud to Mrs The Jules whilst she was trying to feed the baby.
So you put a baby off her feed.
How does that make you feel?
So THAT'S what I need to eat to keep my shape... I guess I need to hit myself on the head with a spoon first too. That seems to be part of the "keeping the shape" protocol...
I can't believe you had such a long conversation with Juanita telepathically. Because the only telepathic talks I have with my cat go like this...
Me: Do me a favor and quit pulling turds out of your litterbox and playing with them.
Cat: Fuck you.
Me: Okay, nevermind.
"With a spoon?" This is the exact moment I completely lost my shit.
But not on your pillow:D
I read an article saying that Skinny Cow Ice Cream isn't really skinny, it's just cow. I think Weight Watchers is suing the Skinny Cow people because they're big fat liars.
I say why ruin a good thing? Shhh.
@Miss Yvonne: Haaaaaa! I love cats.
My pillow ever accidentally sits in someone else's diarrhea, that's the absolute LAST time I let my Nigerian nurse feed my dog Activea.
I like reading your stories because we're so much alike.
i've had a similar conversation but it didn't seem odd until i read yours. now i'm worried about my sanity.
Petting the dog with a spoon reminds me of when my mom used to pet me with a leather belt.
Also, does your Nigerian nurse do kids' parties?
Wow Juanie has a big vocabulary, "prescience" . . . impressive! She is so photogenic too!
You always know when it's the dog's own poo, because they don't sniff it and lick it off. If it was some other dog's diarrhea, they'd be allllll up in it.
And that Nigerian nurse is going to kill your dog, it's only a matter of time before she feeds her chocolate or onions or garlic, and goodbye, dog kidneys.
But you will always have your pillow of poop, I mean your memories.
OMG! OMG! OMG (said with Craig Ferguson's voice). I laughed so hard reading this, I almost peed my pants...well a little more than almost. This has got to be your funniest ever!
My gratitude for all I am learning from your blog, things like diarrhea transference, and that I've been walking around with a
philtrum all this time. Who knew!
I laughed so hard at this, I think I subluxated a rib!
I want a Nigerian nurse!
By the time I got to the other dogs diarrhea bit I was in pieces! I am afraid to lie on MY pillow after that!
Oh my god that was so funny! The nurse sounds just like Zia's Ethiopian nanny. I'm glad Juani made a new friend.
That was GREAT! I want to pet you with a spoon and feed you treats as a reward
"Your pillow's gonna sit in someone else's diarrhea."
High-larious!
You know what? Obviously there was something in that Skinny Cow sandwich that turned your dog into a complete bitch (no pun intended).
And by that logic, I need some of those Skinny Cow sandwiches so I can be a bitch at work.
That Nigerian nurse is amazing. Your life is so rich.
this is just ridiculously loveable. you are so farkin cute.
I have to say, when I see a looong blog post I always just shut down, click it off, move on - because I don't have that kind of time. Excpet for yours. I always read to the bottom of your posts. You're welcome.
this was fucking hilarious...
espesh the whole patting on the nose with a spoon maneuver. it probably wouldn't have worked as well with a fork. or a knife.
definitely not.
Right now I'm having a hard time getting over the fact that I just posted about Skinny Cow. Is Juanita telepathically telling me shit through her diarrhea ass fur??
Hmmm patting on the nose with a spoon. . . am going to have to try that with my dog Boonie.
Your dog is kinda mean
I'm sending you my tiara. She's earned it.
Awesome.
It made me reminiscent of my own dog who as we all know is of the troubled type.
I think Juanita needs to take a field trip, with her spoon to come see us.
Or, maybe just bring your fiber full dog & my dog can eat her shit.
All crazy thoughts.
Thanks for putting my love for you & my dogs love for cat turds on your bloggo.
I makes me feel warm & kinda funny inside. I like it!!
OMG, And thanks for calculating exactly how much it is when I eat 3 skinny cows, I make many fat cow jokes as I demolish those F'ers, so its nice to see, it's a common knowledge that they are best eaten in 3's.
That conversation was just priceless. LOL
Nearly a week has gone by. Surely, you must have more stories about ass explosions or some such awesomeness.
Hmmm. I'm allergic to dogs, so petting them with a spoon might be the best way for me to go. Thanks for the tip, Nigerian Nurse! Heading to the store to stock up on hummus right now.
I found myself here via Gwen's blog and holy shit! I am a work, for chrissakes. The least you could do is put up a warning...NSFW!!! I am fucking doubled over howling with red-faced laughter, totally losing my shit over here! Cackles. Snorts. High-pitched neighing. "Yes, no I'm fine, really. I'm not crying. No...I, I, I'm fiiine."
I think I like it here, is what I'm saying.
RECKANIZE!
Two things:
1. I want a Nigerian nurse of my own. Especially if she grabs me around the neck. I might be into that kind of thing. Who knows?
"Don't knock it till you've chocked it", I always say.
2. Your dog is badass.
You make me laugh.
The great thing about the title is that I understood "ana" not as the end of Princess Di[ana] but the pet name anorexics use for their disease. 'Cause Princess Di might have had a touch of that, but not Princess Juanita.
That is ONE BAD ASS DOG!
I have a nagging upper-respiratory virus, and you made me laugh so hard that it greatly aggravated my condition. I hate you.
OH.MY.GOD.
That was absolutely HILARIOUS!!! I laughed so hard I cried. And seriously pissed my pants. I COULDN'T STOP LAUHGING! I thought I WAS GOING TO DIE!! That's the hardest I've laughed in a LOOOOOONG ASS TIME.
I even emailed it to a couple of people and read it OUT FUCKING LOUD to my husband. TWICE!!!
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