A single flickering bulb hangs by a cord from the ceiling, casting ominous shadows across the grey walls. The room is bare, save for a small metal table and two chairs. Becky paces back and forth across the cell, a cigarette dangling from her lips. She runs her fingers through her hair and glares at her suspect through squinted eyes. She's been through this before, and is unfazed by the silence. Becky's got questions, and she always gets her answers.
Her suspect sits across from her, panting in the stale night air. She wears a black fur coat, and her unwavering gaze shows no sign of repentance.
Becky peels the white paper from around her cigarette and pops the pink cylinder of gum into her mouth. This might take a while.
Becky: Alright dog. I'll cut right to the chase. Where were you tonight between the hours of 5 and 8pm?
Zooey: I was sleeping in the bedroom, that's all, just sleeping.
Becky: Sleeping. Alright. Well let me ask you this, dog. If you was sleeping, who pooped on the floor?
Zooey: Well I never....I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. Poop on the floor!! Really!! Whoever heard of such a thing. Am I free to go?
Becky tosses a photo across the table at Zooey, who glances at the photo and tosses it back.
Zooey: Okay. I think...I think what happened was that a pony flew through the window and pooped on the floor.
Becky: Really. A pony. That's a real interesting theory you got there. A flying pony. That's just great.
Becky walks around the table and leans down into Zooey's face.
Becky: Let me ask you this, Zooey. Why do they call you "The Bad Dog" around these parts? In fact...I believe your nicknames include such terms of endearment as (pulls out notepad, flips open the cover and reads)..."That Asshole Dog", "Bad Bad Zooey Brown", "The Stain", "Black Devil", "Dog Herpes", and of course your Native American name, "Leaks From Anus".
Zooey: No. I have never heard any of those names. People call me Good Dog Zooey. I'm just a cute pup. Watch this! Hey, who turned out the lights?? AHAHAHALOLZ!!!
Becky: Who pooped on the floor, Zooey?
Zooey: Not I! Look, I will distract you with my cuteness! I can haz treat now?
Becky: Listen, dog. I'm a busy woman. I don't have time for these games.
Zooey: Look at me now! I'm a hot Swedish nerd! Gaflooven flooven!
Becky: I've had just about enough of these hijinks...
Zooey: Oooh lala! I eez not speak English, Madame! Voulez vous baguette?
Becky: Hey you know what? Maybe its time I called the vet and made an appointment for your forever nap. Whatdya say? Time for the sleepy shot in the arm?
Zooey: NO! I ...*sob*... I don't know, lady. Maybe a mouse came through the vent and pooped on the floor.
Becky: Really. A mouse. I find that hard to believe. You need to see that photo again? It looks like someone fucking vaporized Webster in there.
Zooey: Yes. It is impressive. A very large mouse indeed. But certainly not me, because I'm a humble babushka, just waiting in line for bread!
Becky: Cut out the funny business, dog. Who pooped on the floor, Zooey? WHO POOPED ON THE FLOOR???
Zooey: A fat goat!
Becky: NO!
Zooey: A dirty troll!!
Becky: NO ZOOEY!!
Zooey: A very large man! Santa Claus perhaps! Or Dr. Phil!!
Becky: LIES, ZOOEY!! Out with it, God dammit! You know who pooped on the floor and you listen here and you listen good, or you will never see another braided dehydrated bull-penis chewy treat for as long as you live, see?!! Out with it!
Zooey: Iz did it. Iz made big poopeez.
Becky: Excuse me??
Zooey: *Sigh* I crapped on the floor. I was angry, and I took a crap. There's some over on your bed too. I folded the duvet over it, as a surprise. Merry early Christmas, bitch.
Becky: You know what this means, Zooey.
Zooey: Yeah. It means nothing. It means leave me alone for too long and I'll do it again. Maybe I'll poop on your head while you sleep. Maybe I'll paint the walls, if I'm feeling artistic. Sky's the limit, really.
Becky: You'll regret this, dog. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your...
Zooey: *Drips anal gland and scoots out the door, leaving an oily ass-track*
Becky: *sigh*
39 comments:
Ummmm....is your dog, like....the size of an elephant? Because that is an amazingly large amount of poop for a domesticated animal.
Maybe you should go on David Letterman for his pet trick night. Zooey could be "The Amazing Leaky Anus!".
Oh come on now. How can something so HUGE and PUTRID come from that adorable albeit multi-personalitied doggy? Are you sure YOU didn't produce that monster pile of doody? Hmmm? You can tell us.
That had to be at least *70 Courics.
* makes sense only if you watch South Park.
Also that had to smell worse than the inside of Danny Bonaduce's jockstrap.
I was eating a ham biscuit. It was a really effing awesome ham biscuit. My grandma made it special for my breakfast.
Then I spit out said ham biscuit and now I'm starving. Which means I'm losing weight.
Thanks Zooey and Steamy.
"...vaporized Webster". If I was one of those people who claimed to snot rocket beverages on my keyboard, I would totally tell you I did that.
Also, I don't have a dog, but I have put wigs on babies for my entertainment.
Oh my holy god in heaven. WHAT THE FUCK?!
How would you even begin to clean that up?
And why do you have the Wendy wig?
And the doggie is best as a babushka.
I had a dog (Sadie, Sexy Sadie)growing up and I used to put my grandmum's handkerchiefs on Sadie all the time...and then my grandma would get dog hair all through her perfectly permed hair.
And then she'd beat me mercilessly.
Note to self:
Flying pony excuse doesn't work.
Dammit.
Once again I can cross "puppy" off of the Christmas list.
Zooey and her very shiny poop. They could fight crime.
It was good until you HAD to show the GD evidence! Dammit, Steam!
Okay now. Louis weighs 115-120 lbs and he has NEVER made a work of ass art like that before. Good God! I'm in awe.
And I want to put wigs on my dogs now.
shoulda known the poop shot was coming, but it still shocked me.
quit trying to blame the dog for everything, it's bad enough you dress her up and exploit her on the interwebs like that!
Did you see/read Stephen King's Dreamcatcher? I think that's the alien that chewed its way out of peoples asses.
I dont even know where to begin with this....
Gaflooven flooven!
Surely a dog who is so skilled as a master of disguise could think of a more dignified way to exact revenge than to dump a load of poop on the floor.
I find Zooey to be innocent. Isn't it in fact true that from 5pm to 8pm you were indulging in yet another of your "relaxing after work" sessions? The ones that involve you drinking a fifth of Cuervo and the entire Taco Bell value menu while screaming obscenities at hapless leisure-suited contestants on 70s reruns of Family Feud? After which you frequently fail to recall any of the events of the evening? I thought so. Now apologize to your dog and clean up your poop. You are lucky you have hardwood floors instead of carpeting.
Yeah... this post was about 20 cute puppy pictures short of enough to make up for the one of that steaming pile of hell.
And just for the record... what in God's name are you feeding that thing?
I hope dressing the dog up in those hats was his punishment. If you did that BEFORE the poop, then you totally deserved it.
That's how I leave the room too and no one ever gives me "the business". I think it's all in how oily you're talking about. Too much and it's a slip-and fall -njury waiting to happen. Too little and people will think it's coffee. It's all a matter of inches or something. On Paper.
I love the pippi wig! Zia and Zooey have a lot in common. Zia's new thing is not telling me that she pooped and then she sticks her fingers in her diaper and finger paints with the poo. Especially in her crib. So the pooh bear she sleeps with is now literally a poo bear.
OMG. I love you. Seriously. I am trying so hard not to cry from laughing so hard right now at work. This just made my day. Thank you! :)
Poopeeezzz.
There is no way that came from Zooey's butt! It musta been the mouse!
What's she gonna give you for Hanukkah?
"Your forever nap". That is fucking brilliant.
I feel for your dog, though. I also has a Native American name.
Sally-burns-down-porch.
Wait.
Your dog is SANTA CLAUS?!?!?!?!
Holy elephant shit, Batman. HOLY. ELEPHANT. SHIT. There were cute puppy pictures? There were words? Where am I? This horror may have burnt out most of my functioning brain.
Now THAT is some funny shit right there....
Damn...and I thought my 200 lb dog had impressive size shits. Kudos to Zooey. The greasiness definitely adds to the overall aesthetic value of the piece, though.
It hurts! It huuuuurts!
Seriously. Marry me. We'll have so much fun. Thanks for the mention in funny M$t4rf84ckers or whatever you called it. And, you are the funniest M4t5erf^*ker there is. "Vaporized Webster." That is the first time I've ever actually laughed uncontrollably at anyone's blog. Ever.
Jay: I feed her lots and lots of poop. So...it makes sense I guess.
Maxie: TOTAL punishment. totally. punishment. AFTER the poop. for punishment.
Kurt: The glare factor has something to do with it, too. And the tread.
Kathy: Kind of like my booger wall, but with poo? She's a poo savant, for sure.
Kellie: YAY! Hey when you say Poopeez, say it like Poe-peez. It's fun!
Stephanie: Did Zooey send you? Sneaky dog.
Cindy: 8 crazy nights of poopeezz, probably.
Sally: Yeah, I should NEVER drink around you, cause now a part of me wants to burn down a porch.
Lilu: Ho Ho Pluerghhhhhgghffft. Yes. Santa Claus.
Keely: By the time I got to it, it was quite tepid actually. Also, thanks! I have a way with disgusting, I guess.
Just.Kate: Heehee. Iz madez you sick with the poopeez.
Kris: I can laugh about it now, yes. The healing process will be long though.
OEM: I know! The trick is extra vasoline in her food.
Mona: Your eyes or your abs? Either way, feel the burn.
mayopie: I consider that high praise from a man who recently wallpapered his post with buttholes. Thank you.
Too funny, but it reminds me why I don't have a dog! lol
That is one HUGE pile of crap. Good job getting the confession considering you were dealing with a Mistress of Disguise. Unfortunately, the appeals court is going to throw it out because Zooey was never properly Mirandized. She'll just be up to her same old tricks under another alias just as soon as the courts let her go. A sad indictment of our system.
What is it about Becky's that they're always dressing up their dogs? That used to be my favorite pasttime. I coulda been the next uh, whoever that guy is who takes the Weimeraner photos. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a blogger, which is what I am.
And Beckys should NOT HAVE A DAMN APOSTROPHE in it. Jeebus.
My dog looks better in a bob...
http://unicornbutterflies.blogspot.com/2009/05/chalkboard-paint-1-so-so.html
Man. I didnt even know I believed in God before I found your blog. But now I do, because I thank him for it every day.
You are HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
And that's f-ing gross.
RIDICULOUSLY large poopeyy. I love dog dress up :)
Hello. And Bye.
Mwahahahahaha!
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