Me: I'm bad at everything. (kicks dirt)
Sister: No, not true, you're just feeling defeated right now. You're good at lots of things.
Me: Like cartwheels?
Sister: Right, cartwheels. But what I was thinking was something like, for example, your discerning attention to detail. You're an excellent judge of character, too, and a keen observer of the world around you. You're sensitive, punctual, and...
Me: Hey, remember that morning I made you all pancakes in the shape of two people having anal sex?
Sister: Right. I remember. You fed them to the kids. I had to teach them all what leapfrog was afterwards, to try to explain away what they'd just seen. But when I said you're good at things, I was thinking not so much of sodomy pancakes, but more along the lines of your intellectual assets, like...
Me: ...like my wordless impression of Scott Scanlon, the 90's Beverly Hills 90210 character who accidentally killed himself in Season 2 while playing with his father's gun? Because, not to brag or anything, but seriously. Spot on, right? (twirls imaginary handgun, insecure eyes, twitchy smile)
Sister: ...or your ability to remain calm in times of medical emergency. You can be a source of comfort during difficult moments.
Me: Yes, pillar of strength, plus yesterday I had a nostril-whistle with such incredible range that I performed almost five verses of Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love." I was all (finger on earpiece, eyes closed in concentration, up-down Diva hands) and my nose was all hewwwwwwwww! hewwwwwwww! and then I exhaled too hard and it was all hewwwwwWOOOSH!! God. I wish you'd been there.
Sister: Oh, me too. Definitely sad about that. My point is, don't feel badly about not being able to come up with a viral meme or a fun Tumblr idea. It's not for everyone, you know?
Me: I was making such progress though. I even learned how to pronounce meme! It's "meem" not "mey-mey" just so you know. And then I almost learned what a meme is. And then I found Tumblr on the Internet, which is not easy on account of it's missing the "e". Did you know that?
Sister: Yeah, the "e" is a huge hassle for young people. It's the most cumbersome of the vowels.
Me: And then I started doing some research; I read all of Courage Wolf...
then Pick-up Panda
And then I found Garfield Minus Garfield, which consists of Garfield comics with Garfield edited out, leaving Jon muttering to himself, alone and mentally deranged. It may be my favorite thing ever.
...and I figured, how hard could it be to create my own meme? Well. Very difficult, apparently.
Sister: I first realized you were kind of off-track when you told me about your idea for Impatient German Alpaca. What was his catchphrase again?
Me: You know, I honestly can't for the life of me seem to recall at this particular moment. Let's move on.
Sister: I remember now! It was...
Sister: ...and that was all he ever said!
Me: What else does an impatient German alpaca say besides schnell? I didn't have much to work with there, did I.
Sister: And Eminemone, the rapping water polyp?
Me: That was the most brilliant idea I've ever had, for about 30 seconds.
Sister: And Ostrichard Dreyfus? And, what was it, Holocaust Reductionist Barnacle? Haha!!
Me: Sensual Donkey, he was a good one.
Sister: I was partial to Unsolicited Parenting Advice Trout.
Me: I felt pretty good about Tough Love Personal Trainer Emu, myself.
Sister: Had you pursued it, you might have had something special with Sensitive Gorilla, too.
Sister: Although, I didn't really get your whole "Literal Animal Captions" idea. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.
Me: It's just you. Trust me. Those were comedy gold.
Sister: They're just saying hi. Is that it?
Me: Shh, wait. There's more.
Me: They're funny because it's TOTALLY WHAT THEY'RE SAYING!
Sister: What happened here? Looks like you got a little lazy with these last ones.
Me: Really? Why would you say that?
Sister: Just a feeling. I dunno.
Me: So, remember how I received all that positive feedback a couple weeks ago after I posted that photo of me holding a fake gun to my dog's head?
Sister: Um. No.
Me: Everyone thought it was so tasteful. People were emailing, begging for more implied animal violence. They just couldn't get enough!
Sister: Really? Cause I remember it differently.
Me: No they were like, "Bravo! This is just the kind of image that makes us all feel comfortable reading this blog today! Spare the gun, spoil the dog! Hooray!" I'm practically the next Cesar Milan, only I'm the Dog Shooterer. So I thought, you know what? I should just point my gun at stuff all day long, photograph it, and maybe start a Tumblr called "Pointing my gun at stuff, just 'cause." What do you think?
Sister: (incredulous eyebrows)
Vitamin C, huh? Vitamin C U in HELL is more like it.
You better wipe that smirk right off your face, coffee maker,
or I'll do it for you.
I'm gonna show you how we do things downtown, blades of grass.
I eat trees like you for breakfast.
Aw yeah. Shit just got real up in this bitch.
Sister: Alright. You done with the gun schtick? Time to put it away.
Me: Yes.
Sister: Good, becau--
Me: I meant yes, no I'm not done. My personal take on the Garfield Minus Garfield idea required that I use a gun. But I assure you, it wasn't gratuitous at all.
Sister: (wide eyes)
Me: What?!
Sister: (wide eyes)
Me: People get murdered in comic strips all the time. It's a very violent medium.
Sister: (wide eyes)
Me: Are you looking at me like that because I shot Cathy in the head? Or because I gleeked on your face a second ago? Which one? Hello?
133 comments:
Dayum. That is one sensitive gorilla.
Also, why aren't there more memes involving:
-kitchen appliances
-corpses
-the Reverend Al Green
-genealogy
-assorted fruits
-krumping
Crack the code, Becky.
You are amazing! Thank you for the new post!
that bitch totally had it coming. and people didn't like your dog with the gun before? cuz seriously, do they come here for high brow humor and class? your total lack of filters is what makes the magic that is becky-land.
Literal Animals- I don't care if they're not a mey-mey, I'm MAKING THEM A MUTHERFUCKING MEY-MEY!!!!1!
P.S. Cathy murder- disturbing, but that's been necessary for years. Consider it a mercy killing- a mercy for the rest of us, that is. *ba dum tsh!*
That vitamin C totally had it coming. And don't even get me started on Cathy.
I'm so stealing that line about friction setting your pubic hair on fire. That's a keeper.
I think I have a new love in Impatient German Alpaca. I don't know how I've managed to find love and humour in life till now. I'm not sure what I like best, his face, his catchphrase or the fact he's an impatient German Alpaca.
Then I snorted so hard at Ostrichard Dreyfus that I farted and it sounded like a dying whale.
I'm pretty certain that Tough Love Personal Trainer needs to be on tshirts sold at the gym, immediately.
Brilliant
Julia: I googled krumping just to make sure I wasn't confusing it with krunk, so as not to repeat something akin to a recent embarrassing juggalo/gigolo mix up. They are somewhat related, for instance I would have to get my krunk on were I ever to krump. Why am I talking like a snooty professor right now?
Maria: Thank you madam!
Sherilin: That bitch DID have it coming. I'm surprised some rogue feminist didn't take her out decades ago. All whiny and inept and shit.
Kate: I love literal animals and I WISH THEY WERE A MEY MEY!!!11111!! GO MEY MEY THEM!!
SQT: In the Girl Scouts, we used to call pubic hair "nature's kindling."
Veg: I love that damn alpaca. A true specimen of German precision and order, clearly.
Israel: Thank you!
My daughter's favorite joke is:
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: Impatient cow.
Me: Impatient co-
Her: MOOOOOO!
I love the Tough Love Personal Trainer. That bitch needs to come to my house!
It may be 3 am, but that's funny right there.
I don't care who you are or what time it is.
This. The entirety of the whole made me laugh superhard. But then there was the gun. I'm laughing now writing this comment.
Do more with the gun, please? A series? Maybe called something simple, like "Me and my Gun". It's so loony.
Great post. Thanks!
HI-LARIOUS!
I'm dying. For so many reasons that I can't mention right now because every second I spend typing is one less second I have to Google how to how to give myself the Heimlich.
ps. I'm pretty sure that is the worst sentence I've written this week.
pps. I'd apologize, but right now I'm busy Heimlicking(sp?) myself.
ppps. I'll be back.
I am in love with the Impatient German Alpaca. Instead of a meme, could you make that into a stamp I could use on top of my high school student's papers?
You complete me.
Not literally, I was just thinking you could do that as a caption for a picture that just shows an unfinished puzzle.
Also, you missed a golden opportunity with your whistling booger which is to run around yelling "HERE COMES THOMAS!" and then "Wheeee wheeee!"
I do it all the time at work.
You're welcome.
Another instant classic.
Love the Cathy murder -- but that's not a real gun? I'm so disillusioned and betrayed... (also, I think we should say it mey-mey because it's fucking festive, that's why).
Pure, unadulterated, genius. My favourite comedy blog since Hyperbole and a Half.
I may have peed a little - thats saying something because I have excellent bladder control.
Thanks so much for shooting that annoying bitch, Cathy. Ugh.
Also - your 'pretend' gun looks very real, can I borrow it for a while? I just want to wave it in the traffic a little, just to see the other drivers face when they think that this time their fucked up driving has consequences. Is that bad? I don't think so..
Big Hugs!
Mrs BC
xx
That. Was. Epic.
Thanks for all the laughs.
I have just had to stop reading your post because I got as far as the bit where you talk about how to pronounce "meme". You mean to say it is not "Meh-May"???????? WTF?!
My whole world has just been turned upside down.
Sometimes I think my luckiest day ever was when I had a nose whistle coming out of each nostril and they almost harmonized and I was able to do old Boyz II Men standards until one side shot out like a rocket and nearly killed my cat. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterdays.
Oh, thank you for shooting Cathy. That needed to happen more than a decade ago, but no one was brave enough to do it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
HAHAHA I actually laughed at the shooting of Cathy. I bet that one would catch on.
I'm really impressed with how your Photoshop skillz are coming along. The blood splatter? Hello Dexter. The tiny, proportionate gun? The wisp of smoke? You're like the Andrew Wyeth of photoshop now.
Nose whistles are magical. But you know the saying "better out than in"? Well, they're not just talking about farts, you know. That whistle-booger? When you breathe in real sharp and you feel it go down your throat? That part makes me gag. And if there's one thing I hate more than pretend shooting your dog in the head (just kidding...that made me pee-laugh), it's gagging on your own whistle-booger.
Cathy was asking for it. Can you do one with a switchblade and endangered species/war orphans?
Rock me like a hurricane.
http://imgur.com/VErg8
I signed up for Imgur just to post this. You're welcome.
Firstly, I personally love Tough Love Personal Trainer Emu.
Secondly, Cathy has totally had it coming for years now. You did the world a favor.
Is it wrong that I found "Literal Animal Captions" freaking hilarious? (The last bird is awesome.)
Sis, it's just you. Thanks for the laughs Steamme.
I hope you realize that at some point in your life this well publicized violence towards women is going to catch up with you and bring you down. You will be the misanthropic gazelle crushed in the mighty jaws of a feministic Lion. Just like when they used my sonnet "Smack 'dat bitch up" against me in that whole bitch smacking incident.
Speaking of which, we should do a few lines sometime. Hit me up on my pager.
This made my day :)
GET IT? GO AHEAD, MAKE MY--okay, maybe you had to be here.
You put the laughter in manslaughter.
This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've read in a long time... probably since your last post.
I have a strange craving for pancakes... and leap frog.
So if I don't use "e's" I'll look younger? I'll try anything.
Best "Cathy" ever. I was right there with you, man.
Pearl
Mey-mey is how Richard Dawkins wants it to be pronounced, and they were his idea!
He quite literally said "Oooooooo" to emphasize his point.
I bet your orsum at caption competitions.
Schnellerific.
That German Alpaca looks a lot like this guy I hooked up with after I did shrooms for the first time in college. Wait... now that I think about it... he kept on shouting SCHNELL! Tell that god damn alpaca that I want my t-shirt back and he owes me $25 for my subsequent doctor's visit.
i'm glad i just saw this now because i needed a cheer up.
I hope you remembered to go over to Family Circus and get Little Billy's prints on that gun. Two birds with one stone, I always say.
You are the best there is in the genre of LULZ.
Gad-DAMN!
F*cking epic, and noteworthy
Really truly, I LOVE the literal animal captions. They are infinitely funnier than non-literal ones. They fill a void in captioned animal pictures in internet-land.
Actually, your gun photos are excellent as well. You read very well into your readers' deepest desires to see you waving your gun around.
Good work.
I like e's. I think they're an incredibly important vowel. Speaking of bowels (cause they rhyme obviously) I have 4 more hours in the car and I just ate two bean burritos. Am I full of good ideas or what? ("ideas" is totally code for noxious gas, ps)
This is comic gold! You should totally start making money off it.
So I'm not totally sure what a meme is yet, but if it means "send it to other people in a viral sort of fashion", then look out for the comeback of the emunutritionist. It's on the move.
-C
Seriously, just once could you write something that sucks and isn't funnier than hell... not that, uh, hell would be that funny, I guess. Just once. Prove your human :)
That new post may have been my most favorite birthday present ever. Thanks for making me shart before a meeting. Sigh.
That right there is some fine-ass memeing!
What was my favorite? Hard to tell. It could have been sodomy pancakes, or Mariah's up and down diva hands (wtf is up with that?) Or was it German Alpaca? yes. We have a winner, because I remember getting a cartoon called Alpaca out of fucking nowhere that I must send you right away!
Oh, and by the way, shooting is way to good for that bitch Cathy. She needs to die nice and slow...
Here you are:
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ktld0v4YFt1qzjhblo1_400.jpg
So it's not just your mom huh? Your sibblings too. Poor tortured sibblings. I'm still waiting for the 'I'm the awesomest daughter in the world' post...
Just kidding, I WISH my sisters were as cool as you!! (what's really sweet is my sister reads your blog so WHO KNOWS if she will see my comment!!!) *so daring*
I want to cuddle with the sensitive gorilla and pick lice out of its fur while sitting by a warm fire and sharing a Hershey's chocolate bar, bite by bite.
I've been saying 'mey-mey' and 'gleeping' forever. Thanks for reminding me what a douche I am!
OMG my brother used to gleek on me. BARF.
Shooting Cathy was the best thing ever. EVER.
Thank JESUS CHRIST'S PENIS IN THE SLIPPERY, HOT SLIT OF MARY MAGDALENE you're still posting.
I thought for sure you won the Internet and quit.
Garfield Minus Garfield is the best ever. I'm glad someone else likes it as much as I do.
The shooting-the-oj thing reminded me of this really funny time in college. You kind of had to be there, so ...
Why shoot Cathy? Her life sucks so much already, what with the sucky career and her life being laid out for all to judge in the newspaper.
If I were to shoot a comic character, I'd shoot someone like Lois from Hi and Lois, because she's skinny and it wouldn't make as much of a mess as Cathy. And she probably wouldn't bitch as much if she didn't die.
Thanks for not quitting the Internet.
Well I thought your gun pointed at your dog's head was both hilarious AND inappropriate and i totally retweeted it. :D
I love Garfield Minus Garfield. I also love Marmaduke Explained [i.e. Marmaduke is an asshole].
But they pale in comparison to your gun. Your gun that shot Cathy. Well done.
Yes yes yes. Just as soon as I change my pee-soaked boxer shorts I'll be heading out for a Tough Love Personal Trainer Emu tshirt.
Make it so.
From now on I am telling everyone that I do aquarobics because it's the only way I can exercise without setting my pubes on fire.
$20 if you take out Ziggy.
this.. was... amazing..
There's a garfield sans garfield?!
Also, I always thought it was pronounced "mem" and I'm pretty sure I still don't know what it means.
You'll be a tumblr sensation before you know it. http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/steam+me+up+kid
Is it bad that I just spit coffee out of my nose??
This is the funniest shit ever!!!!
bets
shooting things no big, gleeking eeeeewwwww.
Wahahaha.... gleek.
I can't explain my love for you. AND, I have been singing "A meme is a wish your heart makes."
Oh, Steamme. Just...oh, Steamme. I can't explain my love for you either. Only that it is more than my love for shuffling cards, picturing molecules in 3-D in my head, a young Rupert Graves (A Room with a View, check it - he gets nekkid), a mature Robert Pattinson (not nekkid in a movie...yet, oh but good cripes, when he is), and anything having to do with Ralph Fiennes. Oh and Canada. This is how much I love you. You know, since you don't know me really, that whole list may not fully explain anything. Let's just say the fact that you didn't know how to pronounce meme made my goddamn year. For reals. I've been feeling so old lately - "I don't understand Tumblr! What the goddamn is Tumblr? What the? Whhhhhhyyyyyy???" See? I'm so old I don't even know how to do the extended yelling writing thing.
*sigh* I adore you. Truly truly.
That turtle meteorologist is the shit. In a post chock full of funny stuff, for some reason that stood out.
I like your support for the idea that guns can fix everything, and further like that you disdain the Glocks and Berettas the kids like in favor of kicking it old school with that Lone Ranger-looking thing.
Last, I'm glad you found Garfield Without Garfield. That shit is hilarious.
I can't figure out why the literal animal captions are so hilarious. And the less effort involved, the funnier. You should do whatever people do next when they invent memes, and then reap the huge profits from them!
The only thing better than reading this myself twice is watching someone else read it the first time. It's a goatsee for the soul.
E
I think Ra Ra Riot named their band after you. How fucking cheezy is that? What I'll say to make friends. You crack me up;)
R
Do you have a Tumblr?! Please post it if you do, you're so funny!
That made me laugh so hard I think I'm going into preterm labor.
I love Garfield Minus Garfield too! It's so dark.
So...um...hope this isn't awkward, but I totally just gave you a shout out.
http://ckorea2323.blogspot.com/2011/02/respect.html
Just so you know.
And because I couldn't think of a damn thing to post about I responded to a meme this week.
Man, I am such an idiot. I *thought* it's what all the cool kids are doing but I guess I was wrong.
you know, i'm really not 'into' guns and i don't like them and i'm kind of afraid of them.
BUT i think you should totes start a new meme about household appliances. i'd read the fuck out of it.
i know have Impatient German Alpaca as my backround...
Those really should be memes. They're far higher quality than a lot of memes on the internet already. Love it.
more literal animal captions, more! i have a very sophisticated sense of humor, clearly.
OKAY I opened this site:
http://literalanimals.tumblr.com/
I'll add more soon.
Lmao! I haven't heard the word "gleeked" since junior high in Brea, Ca. I gleeked so much I think I caused irreversible damage to my glands because I could never do it again after 8th grade.
Garfield is definitely better without Garfield.
So glad you're back! I have your blog as shortcut on my desktop and I kept going back to see if you'd posted, and nothing!
But hurray, you're back!
And the gun stuff, I have to admit, it makes me laugh. Is that wrong? Does that put me in a 'fucked up' category or a 'fun follower' category. Don't answer, I probably don't need to know.
You know... I think the gun to the flower is a really powerful photo. Maybe you have a future in photography.
*Must find kids to babysit for....Then I will make anal sex pancakes.....Brilliant*
you are a genius. why it has taken this long to shoot cathy in the head is beyond me!
I love you. Please shoot my dog.
Memebase.com check it out, it will change your life
Perfectly awesome. I want to know what your neighbors looked like when they saw you pointing your gun at various flora in your 'hood.
Yeah, that's what I want to know. Will you please interview anyone who sees you doing stuff like this, so my curiosity can be satisfied?
PEASE?
Fan-fuking-tastical
The End.
I think I speak for everybody when I say that Sensitive Gorilla needs his own blog.
Maybe it's your excellent attention to detail that has allowed you to notice all the things you are not good at.
Thank you, oh thank you for teaching me how to say meme. By the way, your blog made me lulz all over my couch.
I can't believe I just sat here laughing that hard and for that long at pictures of a fake gun being pointed at a carton of juice and a flower. Love it, all of it.
"Vitamin C U in hell!" --Brilliant!!!!!
That grass was terrified. I know you're all jokesy and shit, but not everything is a prop for your little games. Where do you draw the line? I draw it at grass.
I want a poster of Tough Love Personal Trainer Emu. It belongs in my kitchen more than anything else ever has.
i am allllll for the shaming emu.
i like that one.
plus? thank you, thank you, for shooting cathy in the head. much needed for all our collective sanity.
Okay, so I had a dream the other night that I wrote part 2 of my comment here, and it wasn't until last night (when I had another dream about writing a comment on a different blog) that I realized it was, in fact, a dream.
Basically this means that I really need to get a life because I have the lamest dreams ever.
Anyway, I could go on forever about why I heart this post, but I'll save you the agony and put it in point form:
-Call me creepy, but I would totally eat pancakes shaped like two people having anal sex.
-True story, I was going to start a blog called "Awkward Alpaca." All it would consist of would be random pictures of alpacas in awkward situations, with the caption "I can haz awkward?" underneath.
-I used to LOVE Cathy! Then I hated her and I wanted her to be shot.
-I once wore the shit out of a Garfield sweatshirt that had my astrological sign on it. (Go Aries!)
-Vitamin CU in Hell is my new favorite thing.
-The Dog Shooterer is my even newer favorite thing.
-My sister has a selective memory, too.
-I think that's it. (But I reserve the right to come back.)
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH. That was awesome. Favorites: literal animal captions and gun violence series.
You make it increasingly difficult to comment on your posts, considering that they contain unimaginable amounts of awesome. My opinion is for you to stick with the gun meme. Hey! Maybe the NRA will sponsor you and you'll be filthy rich, and end up at 70's themed parties with Charlton Heston!
MORE... SENSITIVE... GORILLA... PLEASE.
I had to turn off Charlie Sheen live on Ustream b/c the insanity was finally becoming tiresome. So I came here. This insanity is amazeballs. I will keep tuning in because emu memes and violent comics were my majors in college. But you hooked me with Julie Andrews doing her Katy Perry video with a pickle microphone. Fraulein, you're a firework!
I also just learned about the MEEM vs MAY MAY thing, which was good because I posted a video of me SAYING it.
Can you imagine the humiliation?!
I really love what you've done with Cathy.
this is so funny! i particularly like the ostrich... thanks for a great read
Metacam!!! You know what I'm talking about
I'm pretty sure tough love personal trainer emu just changed my life. Mostly. Or will, as soon as I finish this cookie dough.
It's awfully good cookie dough. I love cookie dough.
Hey, got an emu for that?
Omg I just peed my pants! Lmfao!
Cathy had it coming. You performed a public service there.
Genious.
Sensitive Gorilla is an awful lot like Alan Moore's Weeping Gorilla, mind. Which I figure is a strong sign that you're onto something.
Please post more than once a month.... it would make the work day go faster.
I toally just cracked up and my teenager asked what was so funny - I showed him - he didn't get it. I told him he was adopted.
can you make me a meme about breaking to your kids that they are adopted?
I think Kathy minus Kathy was my favorite. I don't know though, the emu was great too. I'd say you definitely have what it takes to make a meme. Just keep truckin'.
"It's dark" and "Hey that's mine!" are my favorites.
Is that really how you pronounce meme?!?!
I was reprimanded for not following you, so I came over to check it out and have been laughing my ass off for the last 10 minutes. Of COURSE I need another blog to follow!
you freaking rule, i am so glad you updated your blog! thanks for teh funny, keep it coming :) please.
I love you Steamy but for gawd's sake('gawd' because you can't say for god's sake - only slightly more acceptable than 'God's sake' because that would just be taking the Lord's name in vain), write something. It's been a long time.
And the "meme" thing, I was all 'great idea!' and I tried to come up with my own personal like meme (I had to look the word up) but it hurt and so I quit.
Psst - it's me. Now that I'm on to the whole split personality thing of mine, I figured I'd comment, cause, well I'm bored.
Seriously. I live in the North East and winter sucks here. Stuck indoors for months at a time, frigid weather, stupid sports on all the time. It blows.
Your blog is like my therapy - have a sad day? Read about ass oil. Feel like junk punching your husband because you're sick of being stuck in the house looking at him? Take some "Lessons in Drunk." Want to ease the pain of having to sit in an office all day, only to have to sit in doors all evening? Read about someones "Adventure of Lifetime". You see where I'm going.
This blog makes me laugh. So I beg of you: please post soon. Warm(ish) weather is just around the corner so I'll actually be able to go outside and do productive things like throw stones (small ones of course) over the fence at the neighbors' kids or strategically place sticks on the sidewalk to see if I can make the mailman trip.
But until then I'm dying a little inside each day Ohio takes it's good old time unthawing. Please help me and my husband's unsuspecting junk.
I miss you Becky. One of these days I will check and both you and Allie over at hyperbole and a half will have both posted on the same day. I will probably get so excited I will pee myself.
Actually, since the baby, that's not really an epic event - it pretty much happens whenever I unexpectedly sneeze - so think of something more momentous and that will be the thing. Okay?
We miss you. I made elephant pancakes in your honor last week.
This is fantastic. I regularly point a gun at my dog to keep her in check. I knew a guy who had a dog, and when he pointed his fingergun at the dog and said 'BANG!' the dog would drop to the floor and play dead.
That "vitamin C U in hell" one just made me squirt tea out my nose. My husband actually had to come over to see what was so funny. Very rarely do I actually laugh out loud when reading funny shit. You totally deserve a reward for this one. Anyway, just had to comment (another rarity for me) to say thanks for the laugh; I needed it today!
Funny! My dog is a doberman so he is always trying to control me with mental telepathy. He doesn't bark, nudge his food bowl, or scratch at the door. He just stares at me meaningfully, and I always know what he wants. I wouldn't have the will power to hold a gun to his head. His dark side of the force is strong, and he is always using Jedi mind tricks on me. The only way to break the spell is to lift a pillow, or the labtop up so he can't see your eyes, and then he gives up.
I heart you for your "Cathy minus Cathy" and your "Vitamin c u in hell" & your it's raining out turtle.
You are made of awesome.
LMFAO great post, i haven't read you in a while but I'm back in the game.
I just found this site, and while this entire post is rip-sportingly hilarious, it's the Tough Love Personal Trainer Emu that keeps popping back into my head. "A Lifetime of Shame You Fat Whore" has made my week, over and over again.
Wow. Blowing Cathy away like that even had my daughter snorting her milk. Brilliant stuff.
Wow. Blowing Cathy away like that even had my daughter snorting her milk. Brilliant stuff.
Thank you for shooting Cathy. It needed to be done!
I still think the literal animals one is my favorite. It actually made me laugh out loud. I can see your way of thinking, because I'm certain I have the same. However, it's these type of conversations I have with my mom and not my sister.
I miss you. :( Come back!
AHAHAHAHA WHAT IS THIS BLOG AHAHAHA
I like the ostrich. It burns me and set me on fire. hahaha
I just have to say you are amazing. awesome post and also comments is nice.... Now Foods
So Rebecky. Is the coffeemaker pictured here (held hostage) the one that was stolen? Cuz that just might be a bit of silver lining. That thing is Janky. Yes, capitalized. Upgrade* time!
*upgrade meaning steal one from your neighbors. It's called pay it forward, duh.
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