Me: (unties ribbon)
Mom: (excited face!)
Me: (rips off a corner of the wrapping paper)
Mom: (bouncy bouncy happy claps!)
Me: Okay, you're scaring me a little. The last time you were this excited was that time you set me up on a date with a chimp.
Mom: This is better. (squirmy squirmy!)
Me: Aaaand here we go. It's a... picture frame. With a picture of a... woman.
Mom: (EXCITED FACE!!)
Me: Is this... oh jesus... no... is this dad's illegitimate Icelandic baby from WWII? You found her? She doesn't look Icelandic. She looks more Latina than Icelandic. Weird.
Sister: Holy crap! A new sister?
Mom: No, she...
Me: Look, thank you? But frankly, I've kind of had it up to here with surprise illegitimate kids in this family. I don't meant to sound ungrateful, but...
Mom: No, Becky. No.
Me: Oh thank God.
Mom: Listen. Let me explain. For your birthday, I hired this lady to clean your house next week! I know how you hate to clean, sooooo...? DO YOU LOVE IT!!? (HAPPY ARMS OUT FOR A HUG!)
Me: I... I don't know what to say.
Mom: I KNOW!!
Me: You hired this woman? And then you took a photo of her and put it in a frame?
Mom: Yep. Creative, right? I could've just written it down in the card, but nope!
Me: So, this lady? You're giving her to me? She's mine?
Mom: Well, no, not really. But she's going to come over and clean your house!
Me: What's her name?
Mom: Manuela.
Me: Oh my God. Is she Mexican? My very own Mexican?
Mom: (Sigh.) Oh no. I've made an awful mistake with this gift, haven't I?
Me: Can I rename her once she gets here?
Mom: Stop it. You've made your point. I'm a horrible horrible person.
Me: I can't wait to tell everyone I know that you bought me a Mexican woman!
Mom: Oh, please don't. Becky, who are you texting? Give me the phone, Becky.
Me: My first Mexican! (Fans away tears) And I'm so young! I always thought, you know, maybe when I retire, but...
Mom: Don't be an asshole, it's a very thoughtful and creative gift. And stop saying "Mexican." It's racist to just assume she's Mexican.
Me: You're right mom, I shouldn't just asstuyo like that.
Mom: Asswhat?
Me: I shouldn't asstuyo that she's from Mexico. Because when you "asstuyo" you make an ass out of "tu" y "yo." Isn't that right, Manuela? (runs finger lovingly down the side of the photo)
Sister: What are you guys talking about? Who's that woman in the frame?
Me: Mom got me a Mexican!
Sister: MOM! You can't just go around BUYING people!!
Mom: Shhh! Keep it down, will you? No, listen. Here's what happened. I could have just written it in a card, but I'm creative, you see...
Sister: SO racist!
Mom: SHUT UP! YOU'RE RACIST!! WHAT BECKY'S SAYING RIGHT NOW IS RACIST!! NOT ME!!
Sister: Geesh! Settle down, Mel Gibson.
Mom: I was just being clever, putting her picture in a little frame.
Sister: You BOUGHT a woman, and gave her away like an OBJECT!
Mom: I bought two hours of a woman's TIME, and presented the IMAGE of her to my daughter in a lovely frame.
Sister: Awesome. I get a gift card to Amazon, and Becky gets a Mexican woman. So typical.
Mom: GAH!! STOP!! Why are you two tormenting me? You both are horrible, racist people. Why do you girls have to twist everything around? And why do you even assume she's from Mexico? For your information, she's El Salvadorian.
Sister: (gasp!)
Mom: What?
Me: The Golden Gods of Central America!
Sister: They can grant wishes, you know.
Me: But you don't want to anger them...
Sister: Right. Because of the...
Me: ...the lead-tipped shoulder quills.
Mom: Are you both on drugs?
Me: I have a handful of birthday cake letters packed into my cheek like tobacco right now, does that count? *spits into a can*
Mom: Okay, listen, I made up that whole El Salvador thing to try to teach you a lesson about assumptions, but clearly you two are unlessonable. She's not El Salvadorian, she is in fact from Mexico.
Sister: Ha! I knew it.
Me: Shut up!
Sister: Too bad! No wishes for you!
Me: I still love her! In fact, I love her even MORE now!
Sister: Sure you do.
Me: I do! In fact, to prove it? I'm gonna take all the furniture out of the living room, and I'm going to put a pedestal in the middle of the room. Then I'm going to put this picture frame on the pedestal...
Mom: Hey you know what? Maybe let's keep the picture frame just between us. I don't know, it might make her feel awkward. Now that I think about it, it was in pretty poor taste on my part. Here, gimme the frame.
Me: ...and I'm going to surround the pedestal with candles...
Me: ...and when she comes over to clean...
Mom: Please don't do any of that.
Me: ...when she comes over to clean, I'm going to dim the lights and light the candles, and I'll take her hand and lead her over to her pedestal, so she can see. Come here, Cherry Pegasus, I'll whisper.
Mom: Becky, I told you, you can NOT rename her.
Me: Come here and look, Cherry Pegasus. Look what you mean to me. All this is for you. My first, my last, my only cleaning lady. And I'll fill my best heart-patterned huffing socks full of Ajax, and we'll link our arms together as we raise them to our faces...
Sister: (dims the lights, sings softly) I've been really tryyyyyin' baby, tryin' to hold back this feeling for sooo long...
Me: Look into my osos, Cherry Pegasus. There's so much amor in my osos.
Mom: Oh, honey. Do you mean "ojos"? Eyes?
Me: No, I meant bears. Look into my bears, Cherry Pegasus.
Mom: I think you meant "ojos."
Sister: (sexy snapping) And if YOU feel, like I'm feelin baby... then comeon, WOO! Come OWWN... OOOHH! Let's gettit OWWWN!
Mom: Why do you guys always give me such a hard time when I'm creative about my gifts? Here's the deal: She's going to be here for two hours. To clean. She'll bring her own supplies. You're welcome. Happy birthday.
Me: I'm going to have so much sex with her.
Mom: Yeah. You said that about the chimp too, I remember.
Me: ...!!...
Mom: Okay. That was kind of... I didn't mean to equate Manuela with a... I was making a joke.
Sister: Wow, mom. Crossed the line.
Me: Yeah. Too far.
91 comments:
There are so many things about this that are hysterical, it's hard to pick one ... but "asstuyo" is right up there.
I'm so happy for you and Cherry Pegasus. You make a lovely couple.
Asstuyo is hilarious. And look into your osos. Bahahahah!
Hilarious!
ditto all other comments, this is classic.
Lmao! Your poor mom! At least she's trying!
I have a few Mexicans. One for my lawn. One for cleaning. One for occasional babysitting. Without Mexicans I'd be living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER. Congratulations!! Also, hide your sex toys. They are good at finding them in plain view.
Can I borrow her when you're finished? I'll trade you my Asian American math tutor.
I really hope your mom interviewed this woman and made her pose for the picture at the end.
I wonder if that was extra... it is with prostitutes.
Not that I would know.
I've said too much.
When I get a cat again I now can rest easy that I already have a name picked out. Cherry Pegasus will thank you forever.
This is a true story. Once I worked for a rich, spoiled, over privileged harpy in NYC and she one day, in all seriousness, said "Please find me a Mexican or someone, to wash my Escalade!"
Isn't that horrible? Like Mexicans are tall enough to reach the top of an SUV...
This could go downhill real fast.
*Waits for it*
It seems to me like that sweet mexican lady might want to be romanced by a sophisticated lover like yourself.
Maybe your mom is doing her a favor by getting this sweeet sexy Mexicano some Becky Lovin.
Mandy: *microwaves popcorn, sits back*
Why did everyone look at me funny when Mexican was on MY Christmas list? You have the best mom ever.
My friend wants a cleaning lady but doesn't have any good referals from anyone (people seem to be very protective of their Mexicans). So she is thinking about driving around and asking every Mexican lady she sees if she will come clean her house. Popcorn moment as well.
High fiving MJenks.
I'm confused. Your mother hired this woman to have sex with bears? MEXICAN bears?
Crossed the line, indeed.
Get ready to have your world rocked, Cherry Pegasus.
I am laughing so hard, tears are running down my cheeks! That was an awesome post!
Mjenks: BRUMSQUITOS!! *brrrrrrrrrummarummarumma*
I have to say, if I ever receive a framed photo of some woman I've never seen before, I hope I have the presence of mind to react the same way.
Your mom and my mum should meet. Them both putting their feet in it at the same time might ACTUALLY cause a black hole to form.
hysterical!
I would love to have the opportunity to say to my mom you bought me a Mexican?
i'm a cleaning lady & i've been given as a gift for christmas & birthdays before, but i've never yet gotten a pedestal or candles or romantical singing from dreadlocked dudes. damn, i think i got the bum end of that deal.
I live for this shit...seriously.
Please adopt me!
You know, here in England, Mexicans are seen as an exotic import, due to the distance they must travel.
You can pick up a Frenchman for clopinettes.
And isn't it weird how so many foreigners are racist?
I wanted to be friends...but your family's racist.
I have a mexican. I got him on my wedding day. He's really good at mowing the yard.
Love the name Cherry Pegasus! Maybe that'll be the name for my next cat.
This was (sniff) an inspiring post (sniff).
I need to pick up the phone right now and call Lupe to tell her how much I love her.
Or... wait. Lupe? Or is it Maria? Graciela. Ana Lucia? Shit.
I think you'll really seal the deal with Marvin Gaye doing a live serenade. Cherry Pegasus won't be able to resist.
You really do have so much amore in your osos, Becks. It's like the amore burns in your osos day-in and day-out. Wait...
"osos" means "bong" and amore means peyote, right?
Cherry Pegasus?
Can I steal that for a name for a band that only does rock songs from the 80s...full of people who only dress in pink? And who wear tiaras?
So did the asstuyo come in to play with the sex? And how was the sex with the Chimp? I don't think I heard.
Oops, maybe I crossed a line.
I'm mexican. >:(
But I loved this post. Hilarious.
This makes me feel better about how badly I want a pet man. Or maybe you were just being facetious...?
P.S. CHERRY. PEGASUS. OMG.
How is your mother not insane by now? And still talking to you and your sister?
Also, who did she get a picture of your cleaning lady? Was she following her?
Just a guess, but I think you will be receiving Amazon gift cards from now on.
Do you ever wonder if your mother dies a little bit inside every time she thinks of what could have been?
I thought about that the time my mom accidentally saw the video of me deep throating a banana when I was drunk, and it was accidental because she was trying to look at videos of my toddlers sledding and also I forgot my husband recorded me while I was drinking.
Bit of advice? Try not to think about it. It's kind of a buzz kill.
OMG perfect, because I got you a strap-on for your birthday.
Double plus, she might be able to wax you crazy...like my Marianella. She waxes and cleans up the spilt wax.
As once said by Frosty the Hatdemon, "HAPPY BIRFDAY!"
Been reading your blog for a while and finally decided to crawl out of the wood-work.
Keep it up with the funny/disturbing/are you completely insane. OR YOUR FIRED! (that's a joke and so am I.)
My family is nowhere near as fun as this. We make fun of our mom of course, but that's totally a given.
I'm going to demand they start being this funny.
Or else, that's it. Disowned.
They're bringing down my cool factor anyway....
Por favor, no aspirar las avispas muertas.
Just remember that when you put your Mexican away when she's done to poke holes in the box.
Mom just buys me homeless white guys now but instead of cleaning all they want to do is talk to invisible men hiding in my sofa cushions.
Learned my lesson.
Your mom gives the best gifts!!!
You know, your new "Mexican" looks a bit like Imelda Marcos. I don't know what Imelda is up to these days, but you might want to do a quick shoe inventory.
Are you going to buy a special outfit for Cherry Pegasus?
Oh my, this was so awesome!
I don't know if any part of this was true or not but it was hilarious, thanks for sharing. And tell your mom to stop framing Central Americans in this country, they have enough legal troubles....
Oh you so make a bad morning go away. I wipe tears from my eyes as always!
Oh, Becky'sMom... SLAVERY? Really? And just days after MLK's Birthday? You diminish us all, Becky'sMom... tsk tsk. But Becky, if ever you feel you cannot adequately provide for Cherry Pegasus, she can always come live with me... FOR A PRICE...
The burning of my amor tends to focus mainly in my...wait I forgot the mexican word for vagina. No WAY am I googling THAT before I have a beer in my hand. Or at least until I hold this mug of hot tea a little longer and warm up my fing...oh too much information.
ps? "Geesh! Settle down, Mel Gibson." made me piddle.
PLEASE tell me this entire exchange happened in a public place. PLEASE!
I had a cleaning lady once but I didn't rename her, never realized it was an option. Missed opportunity there I suppose. It was the best $60 a month I ever spent.
Sorry I am late to the party, but holy shit what a wonderful post to come back to!!
And you are most certainly "unlessonable" as I am...
Prediction... Cherry Pegasus will be the name of the next new Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My mom got me a bible. *sad trobone music*
cherry pegasus is going to lovvve that altar!
We have mostly Amish cleaning girls here. But I'm not sure what the appropriate thing to say is if I want to make fun of them. Maybe, I don't know, I can toss them my car keys and ask them to run to the store for an extra $20. Then I can laugh and say, "Oh, Burn! You're God is the smiter of cars!"
When you said you'd written a racist post, why did my minde immediately jump to black people? Never even THOUGHT about the Mexicans! Very clever Becks.
BTW, you still wanna be besties, right?
http://attractedtoshinythings.blogspot.com/2011/01/about-time-i-got-new-best-friend-and.html
You're brilliant when you're being racist. I want to give you a big oso hug so badly right now.
The Mexican woman in me thinks this is the funniest thing she's ever read.
Consider me a reader for life. Oh, and feel free to rename me if you like, I don't mind.
man, you get all the cool gifts! unfair!
Jesus...or shall I say Hay-zeus...I want a Mexican too. Do you think that they fit in closets?
Hahaha...hilarious.
But seriously, if your Mom really loved you, she would have bought you a Honduran.
dearest steamy
I haven't read your blog in so very long as I was in prison fighting for my life and the well being of my sexy time parts...
Okay no I wasnt Im just realllly lazy and havent bloggged in a while but whatevs..
HILARIOUS my dear you make me LOL lots :)
Lucky!
I want my own Mexican!
Hell, I'm not picky. Any Hispanic will do.
I might even be willing to take an Asian.
But I'm NOT letting them drive me anywhere!
All I know is Donde es Banos......
i'm still not over this. Read it yesterday, and i'm still obsessed. Cherry Pegasus is an awesome name! your poor mum, 'please don't do any of that' made me lol big time! also, i'd have so much sex with her too!
Your posts always leave me torn between wanting to be you, and wanting to be the latest in the long line of your illegitimate siblings.
If there a website or somewhere that I could get my own Mexican from? Do you have to pay Travel expenses as I like in the UK so it may make the whole idea far too costly.
I want a Mexican!
Funniest post eva! Seriously.
Oh, and I would love it if your mother could adopt me. I'd make a great sister and ally.
I am glad you drew the line at calling your poor mother Michael Richards. ;-) This is hilarious.
The candles and the pedestal make everything that much better. Funnier. Funnyetter.
Best post since the Box one. Haha! Box.
I want to call you brilliant, but I feel like that doesn't encompass it enough.
I wish there was a Nobel Peace Prize of Racism, so I could give you that, instead.
I read this like two minutes after you posted it and couldn't stop laughing, but couldn't think of anything funny to say in the comments. Days later, I'm still thinking about how funny it is. I'm so glad you got your very own Mexican!!
Why does everyone get their own Mexican except for me?!? This is boo-shot!!
You're such a good blogger that you made racism funny.
You're so much more creative than I am. I would have named her Zoila and yelled at her to make me perfect martinis. I have to stop watching Bravo.
Ok, I'm convulsing with laughter and have tears streaming down my face and am trying to explain to my 6 year old boys why I'm laughing. You are HILARIOUS!! Mothers are awesome when you can pick on them like that.
sooooooooo Funny! Youare Truely Hilarious! I am so glad I found your blog!
Hmm funny, there was just sometthing amiss...ahh yes i know!!
Could ur mom buy me an American?
So i could use her/him to tell me bad jokes when ever i have a use of entertaiment, or put him/her to sing karaoke making him/her belive they do it like a great artist but lmaoing all the time in their backs or just do it up front.
Some sex services wouldnt be bad as well....a vegas or new york american would be fine :3
Thak you :D
peeing my pants with laughter!!! Just found your blog and love it!
This is hilarious! i read it like 3 times and still laugh my ass off :)
I cannot tell you how much I needed to laugh like I just did. My daughter has been killing my soul and your post just revived it.
Magical.
Cherry Pegasus is the Best. Name. Ever.
Jess
You started dirtying your place on purpose so she'd come over more, didn't you?
I think I just laughed so hard that I died. Yep. I am pretty sure that just happened.
OMG, you are hilarious. How did I not know you existed before just now.
OMG a friend pointed me to your blog today. I laughed so hard I woke my dogs up. They are pissed right now but it was worth it. I have tears rolling down my face. The alter with Marvin Gaye it is PRICELESS.
all *I* got was a middle aged white lady who I'm pretty sure eats my gummy vitamins while she cleans the bathroom. AND I still have to call her Megan.
*pouts with jealousy*
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