Me: It's pretty pricey, but if you're up for it, sure. Just nothing too "French".
Mom: What does that mean? No can-can skirts?
Me: No, like, I don't want anything a girl riding a bicycle with a baguette in the basket would wear.
Mom: Okay...
Me: Nothing the virgin daughter of a small countryside village's chocolatier would wear.
Mom: You know the weird thing, is that actually makes sense to me.
Me: Like, you know that movie Amelie? Something Amelie would wear if she had genital warts. Like that.
Mom: Right. Amelie with genital warts. Wait, Amelie? Or Audrey Tautou? Because there's a difference.
Me: You're right. More like Audrey Tautou. What would Audrey Tautou wear if she were a rape counselor for Japanese orphans. Think like that.
Mom: Um... you lost me.
Me: Like, okay. Think of that movie Chocolat.
Mom: Okay?
Me: Now hit yourself in the vagina with a hammer. I want that in size 6.
Mom: Could you be a little less abstract maybe? For instance, could you use a jacket?
Me: Sure. Just think of that show "Three's Company," except everyone dies of tuberculosis. In a medium.
Mom: ...
Me: Think of AIDS, then a cure for AIDS, then a sandwich, but you just threw it up on the sidewalk in front of The Gap. In Germany. It's really embarrassing. I want that in blue.
Mom: How about a gift card?
Me: No, listen, it's easy. I want pants that will make me feel like the high note of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas" crawled up my urethra like one of those parasites in the Amazon River and gave birth to a shooting star. Or how about you're in a horrible car accident and everyone in your car dies, but your airbag deploys, and it's made of bunnies! Imagine that. Oh, how painful the survivor's guilt. But mmmm soft bunnies feel so good on your face. Get me that.
Mom: So... socks?
Me: Think of the all people in the "hellscape" section of Bosch's triptych "Garden of Earthly Delights" working in a Forever 21 store. I want the essence of that infused into a body wash.
Mom: Do you like H&M?
Me: Yeah. But nothing that looks like Bjork dressed herself in Diane Keaton's closet.
Mom: Again, that makes perfect sense to me.
Me: Does it? Good. Okay. Now, think of Katherine Heigl on her period, hanging naked from a rain gutter, she's crying for help, but she's on fire! Quick, what do you do?!! That moment of panic and indecision you just experienced? Yes. I want that, in teal.
Mom: Could you perhaps communicate your list to me through interpretive dance? I'm more of a visual person.
Me: Sure. I'll need my strobe light though. And some hummus. And my unitard. I'll meet you back here in an hour.
63 comments:
*snort* Interpretive dance. YES!
That store NEVER has genital warts in my size.
So annoying. It's like, hello? We're not all a size HEMORRHOID.
I was following you all the way up to the hummus and then you lost me. What's the hummus for?
I heart your neurons.
The image of a shooting star exiting your urethra will keep me toasty warm all through the holidays.
How about a nice gift certificate? Or a vintage ankle brace?
I. love. this. blog.
Your brain is amazing. Why can't I be as awesome as you? All my brain spits out is crap like 'I really should sweep' or 'I'll bet the dirty dishes have started growing mold'
Very abstract. I can't tell if the pop culture references you made are things you like, or not.
Congratulations!
I got one of those parasites in the Amazon River that gave birth to a shooting star in grey last year but it was in a large because I ate too much Christmas pudding and one of the seams still came apart.
Also, I hit my vagina with a hammer and all I got was a hallucination of a dying unicorn and a bill for $793.
I always get totally lost when I visit; yet I keep returning. How wierd is that?
LMAO - I loved this whole post. Wonderful imagery it brought to mind too. Ha!
Hummus is awesome
Hilarious. You perfectly described the Anthropologie experience.
Kudos.
You have found your calling, and J. Peterman will be calling you shortly.
Two posts within a week of each other? I'm in heaven!
Airbags made out of Bunnies, sweet.
Is it weird that I want my daughter to grow up to be just like you?
Yeah. Totally weird. But the conversations would be awesome. Is there a children's version of this blog somewhere? So I can have her study up? No?
Last year I got these super tight Katherine Heigl's waking up in bed with a zombified Denny Duquette. I was a little disppointed with the pink satin, but I rock it just the same.
Oh God. I just gave myself the idea to do a redacted version of this blog, with kid-friendly word replacement. But my kid doesn't know who Bjork is. Miley Cyrus it is then...
Honestly, this is the first time I've ever wanted to go shopping.
I was a rape counselor for Japanese orphans once, but they fired me because my sole method of treatment was trying to get them to let river parasites crawl up their urethra's.
So I went to work for Volvo designing bunny airbags.
Seriously, Becky? You're using the old hit-yourself-in-the-vagina-with-a-hammer trick?
Well I for one will not be fooled by your formulaic comedy!
After reading this post, I can't get the imagery of Tom Cruise in Legend out of my head.
Is there medication for that?
I think I saw that episode of Three's Company...
Interpretive dance? There'd best be some video!
I am now picturing you also reciting this list to a mall Santa.
Is it just me?
I love Hummus, but every time I eat it, it makes me think of, you know, like, armpits.
And then I wonder if all the people I've ever smelled who seemed like maybe they haven't had a bath in a while might just be big hummus eaters, right?
And just like that . . . I have the holiday spirit. Thank you.
That's funny. Because I totally thought you were more of a Grace Coddington spread with a spooge stain. Huh.
Confession: I fell asleep when I saw "Amelie" in a theater. Then I rented it a few years later and fell asleep again.
Conclusion: Audrey Tautou is no Julie Andrews. As if.
If your mom ends up buying you something from Anthropolgie, return it and use the money to buy a condo. Or maybe save all the homeless kittens in the world. Or maybe let the homeless kittens live in the condo. I don't know. I'll leave the details up to you. It's your Christmas gift, after all.
Some things are easy to re-gift. But I've had like ten things on your list just sitting in my closet without a proper home. I look forward to being invited to ten events hosted by you so I can start getting rid of this stuff.
I'm so glad you specified sizes. The hardest thing about shopping for others is finding the right size. I mean one size fits most, what the eff.
Also if I'm thinking of the movie, "Chocolat", am I thinking about the clothing, the ability to know what everyone's favorite type of sweet is, or how sexy Johnny Depp is? In term of clothing, is it me when I'm eating chocolate or when I'm off the sugar, cuz there is a huge size difference.
Either way, I want it in the fuzzy, snuggly material that feels really good on my skin. Maybe in violet.
randomosity. done right.
You see, I just KNEW they were lying when they said whacking a vagina with a mallet wasn't a legitimate medical procedure.
My doctorate in medology from the University of Rangoon wins!
Thirty two gushing comments and not one person (aside from me) feels just a little bit fucked over? You hint at an interpretive dance including chick peas and a wrestling singlet and not one picture? What weight did you wrestle by the way? We had a girl that wrestled. Rhonda Steel, she was a heavy weight, she went to prison our senior year. Turns out she was knocked up with the FFA/Ag teachers baby, flipped out one night and gut him like a pig with a hay hook behind the 4H barn...crazy days. What were we talkin' about? Oh, interpretive dance, need pictures, make it so.
I much prefer to only think of hummus ingredients as garbanzo beans. Cause the other thing? That's a whole sentence. Chick pees. And? Hummus is already kinda yellow. I have issues with yellow foods. And pee. And you said urethra. I need a valium.
Now, thanks to this post, I have some totally great ideas for what I'm getting for a few people.
I can only imagine how you visualize products from Walmart. I'm guessing it involves something more painful than a hammer blow to the hoohah. Maybe something sensitive getting deep-fried after being in a terrible NASCAR wreck?
I don't know whom I love more, you, or yer momz. Both, really. To quote my husband, "Oh, wow, that was so funny! Bend over."
I think it is great that your Mom gets you at least part of the time. My Dad? Not so much. I'm so jealous.
This is how I shall ask for all gifts from this moment forward. HILARIOUS post Becky.
leg warmers it is.
Or, wait! Just the thing:
http://argonauticos.blogspot.com/2010/12/new-from-chicos.html
So, you are looking for something to wear to the apocolypse. I've gathered a few images, but I need some time to perfect the look. Bear with me. XOXO!
I heart this post.
If only I could say the word "vagina" in front of my mother.
This is SO GOOD. Delish!
Now I know EXACTLY what to get you.
Is it still the same address that's on the restraining order? And is it okay if those are BOILED bunnies?
I would very much enjoy it if you would make it a mission to go to one of these stores and provide descriptions like these of what you want, and see what the sales associate comes up with.
That all makes a lot of sense, except I would add "nothing that requires wearing a thong or a tampon," because comfort is really important, and I would nix the Mariah Carey thing because that sounds like the worst UTI ever.
Also, this is totally turning into a fashion blog. After Christmas, you have to take photos of all your outfits and give us tutorials on hair.
Remember Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars? Imagine that, except Bristol is a zombie and her intestines are trailing out of a hole in her stomach she's wearing clogs and a shower cap while chewing on the corner of a picture of Justin Bieber and moaning softly with regret. For Christmas this year I got my wife that, in a jar, along with a nice exfoliating facial scrub.
Oh my god, I want the Mariah-high-note-urethra-shooting-star. In a purse, though -- with my figure, it would be too ostentatious in dress form.
I'm ... I'm so serious about this.
Somehow, all of these descriptions made sense to me. And I dislike both of those stores for the same reasons.
The pokemon combo you requested is done! You can view it here:
http://icanhascatboy.blogspot.com/2010/12/pokemon-profile-picture-month.html
Thank you for participating! Your request was very challenging, and I had fun with it.
I want to have your baby. I mean, I want you to have your baby. I MEAN I want you to have my baby. No really, take it, it's yours.
God I love you.
i have the perfect murdered poulty dress in khaki with pearl embellishment i'm still trying to regift. sigh.
You are going to be REALLY tough to buy for this year...
Pearl
I'm giving you the Internet this Christmas. You deserve it.
Also, note to self: Take car in to Kia dealership and have them install drivers' side bunny airbag.
I want you to be my therapist. But only if you're wearing something that could be found in Elvis's closet, if Elvis were alive and giving blowjobs to homeless men in crack alleys while LeAnn Rhimes sings Blue in the background with a passel of orphans. In salmon.
Hey, I nominated you for Blogger of the Year over at Grant Miller's. Don't make me look foolish. You must win. Make sure all your minions vote for you. And if you win a date with Grant Miller, you have to give it to me.
Me: Like, okay. Think of that movie Chocolat.
Mom: Okay?
Me: Now hit yourself in the vagina with a hammer. I want that in size 6.
I've got just the thing for you! The directions to what you want could not possibly be any clearer... notsomuch nautical stripey boatneck tea, more like black longsleeve with abstract carpet fuzz/tampon sculpture on right wrist cuff, yes?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I lol'd (the real kind) at the 3s comp tuber reference. :)
I lol'd (the real kind) at the 3s comp tuber reference. :)
I just found your blog today, which makes this an great day. You are brilliantly funny! This post made me laugh so much, I cried and dripped snot.
Surprisingly, most of those made sense to me, too. I really need to up my game when I am referencing things to my mom, because your analogies are way better!
Sara
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