Mom: Okay. *walks over and leans in* What is it?
Me: I wanna tell yooou?? thaaaaaat???....
Mom: ...
Me: ...
Mom: Tell me what?
Me: *FART*
Mom: ....
Me: *excited face*
Mom: Tell me what?
Me: Nevermind.
Mom: No, what? What do you wanna tell me?
Me: Nothing. I farted but you didn't hear it.
Mom: You called me over to tell me I didn't hear your fart?
Me: No, I called you over to fart for you, but you didn't hear it.
Mom: Oh.
Me: The whole thing's ruined now.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Will you PLEASE get your ears checked? This isn't the first time something like this has happened recently.
Mom: Becky. I'm fine. I have perfect hearing.
Me: Oh really?
Mom: Yes.
Me: ...
Mom: ...
Me: *excited face*
Mom: OH! God, Becky, that's gross!!
Me: I didn't fart that time. That was a trick.
Mom: Crap.
Me: You know, hearing loss can be a sign of other things too. You need to get it checked out.
Mom: Maybe try again. Here, I'll put my head down lower. *squats down behind me*
Me: No, mom. Get up. Seriously. Don't embarrass yourself.
Mom: Alright, fine.
Me: Just admit it. It doesn't mean you're old.
Mom: Maybe it's you. Was it a whiny fart or a flappy fart?
Me: What? You're blaming your failure to hear on the quality of my fart? What are you, a fucking dolphin? The frequency of my fart's wavelength isn't HIGH enough for you, princess? Nothing I do is ever good enough, is it?
Mom: I...I just meant...
Me: No, you know what? It doesn't even matter. Maybe it was whiny or maybe it was flappy, it doesn't matter, the point is...
Mom: Honey... you know how proud of you I am...
Me: NO, don't TOUCH me. Not yet, I just...I need some time. The point is you can't hear shit. Pfft. Whiny or flappy? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
Mom: Becky.
Me: Both. It was both. It was whiny, then flappy at the end. It was perfect. Ok, I'm done.
Mom: ...
Me: ...
Mom: A-HA!
Me: What?
Mom: I heard that one!
Me: That's a helicopter.
Mom: I'll go in on Monday.
Me: Thank you.
44 comments:
The best way would be to get her one of those old timey ear-horn things like in cartoons so she won't miss a single runaway toot. Also you could get one for her nose. Win/Win.
We should just go ahead and get her one for each orifice. Ear, nose, mouth, eyes...it won't look pretty, but she's probably all done with sex anyway.
Whiny then flappy at the end? You were right to be angry. Those don't come along too often.
If you fart and no one hears or smells it, can you still blame the dog?
I blame the dog and the cat no matter where I am. It's not like I'm going to fess up, unless it was a Battlestar Gallatica fart, then that's art.
Speaking of which, the dog just farted. Really, he did.
This is, like, the best public service announcement ever.
Those old timey horn things are hilarious.
The fact that she was going to bend down to try to hear better? Sounds like something my husband would tell my six year old to do just so he could fart in his face. Because it's funny.
Get her one of those sweet spy-type directional microphones. Then all you have to do is get her attention, make the fart signal, and she can listen in from clear across the room.
That's just pure awesomeness. I envy your relationship with your sphincter, I mean your mom.
"what are you a fucking dolphin?"
Nice work. It's lovely that you and your mother are so close (?!).
Keep up the good work. However - there are better ways of testing your mother's hearing rather than blowing off in her general direction.
Philip
Oh good god, I have tears rolling down my face I'm laughing so hard.
I think all hearing tests should be carried out this way.
Good Lord! I don't believe this post! lol
You often behave like a guy. Do you ask people to pull your finger?
So, wait...is a flappy fart like the machine gun fart or am I thinking of something totally different?
But wouldn't it be awesome if you COULD fart like a helicopter?
Anonymous, you are so witty sometimes.
Only YOU, could turn the ole' "lure in to fart in their presence" gag into a quintessential Mother Daughter discussion on life.
She should be proud.
I could see the future Little Steamy (your future child), bringing a friend over, and you, Steamy, calling Little Steamy's friend over, and saying, "Look, Kid. Come over here for a second. I wanna tell you something."
Kid looks over, Little Steamy blushes.
You: *FART* "Now you take that to heart, Kid. Now, scoot! Get!"
There's nothing worse than a wasted fart. Your mom better go in on Monday.
Sounds like SOMEone needs the Sonic Super Ear 4000 Personal Sound Amplifier. I canNOT believe she crouched down in the danger zone...
ZOMG did you see what anonymous wrote? How can I compete with that? Hilarious! HAHAHA
What is it about farting that is both funny and gross. My boys and I am including the man, love to fart on each other - yuck!
you are so nice to your mother. you should probably go into ear testing soon since you're so good at it.
I just threated to put my mom in a home if she doesn't do what I say.
I'm here on recommendation from Amanda @ It's Blogworthy. I'm so glad she sent me. This blog is awesome!
Childhood memory or did this just happen?
If you were capable of making a fart sound like a helicopter, you could probably go on the late night talk show circuit and make tons of money.
You might want to get on that.
It might have been a "Silent but deadly" which if your poor mum had managed to survive a close encounter with, you then force her to go to the doctors to get her hearing checked out, where she will probably catch some deadly disease...... You could turn this into a True Movies film plot.
"Silent but deadly - the sad death of a dedicated mother...."
It was a moment similar to this that we realized my dad had lost the feeling in his fingers.
Perhaps I've said too much.
Somehow, I don't think this scenario would work with my grandmother.
But it'd be great blog fodder to try. Sorry, Grams!
Now I really want to translate that Anonymous post. I need Chinese penis enlargement! Right now! How will I know if they can help me?
My farts have been known to power helicopters.
I'm so jealous of your relationship with your mom. My mom would be more concerned about the condition on my bowels than her hearing. Which, come on Mom...I have perfect bowels. Duh.
I have no idea what I was trying to say here. Wait. Oh yeah. Jealous.
That should read condition "of" my bowels. Not "on". Because eew.
LOL. You guys are too funny. Your mom has a great sense of humor. Love that.
lol this is hilarious. I find it so funny how parents don't ever think their deteriorated hearing is nearly as bad as it actually is. I was writing a piece recently about what it was like living with my parents after college when both of their hearing had gotten really bad. They would be having 2 different conversations with each other while I sat in the middle laughing and then they'd get all upset and ask why I was laughing but all I could do was laugh more. Not really a great thing for our relationship but damn funny!
I downloaded a free fart sound app for my iPhone. It has provided countless hours of fun. Why is it that farts never cease to be amusing?
HAHAHA...My dad has horrible hearing as well, but he can ALWAYS hear farts. He lives for farts.
"Here, I'll put my head down lower."
"Was it a whiny fart or a flappy fart?"
Oh holy shit, haha! *tears*
She compared your fart with a helicopter? OMG, YOUR FART IS THAT LOUD.
HAHAHAHHAAAAHHA.
There really are no other owrds to describe how much that made me laugh.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA.
And by the way, I'm sorry your fart sounds like a helicopter. (:
Love, Malou
And I'm totally follwing you!
(:
I am sure I can smell farts in here now just from reading that!
It's final- I'm sending this to my mom.
So, this is only the second one in my, "Catching up with Becky" reading, and I've already decided I should count this as my ab workout for the week. For everyone's safety.
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