Me: No, Magical Holiday Snowscape 2009 was awesome. But still, I think I can do better.
Me: I think I might actually open the bag of snow this year.
Sister: Oooh, that'll look nice! What about Keith?
Me: Yeah? What about Keith?
Keith the Holiday Wasp.
Entombed under this glass since
shortly before his untimely death last year.
Sister: He's still there? In that same spot?
Me: Like, I don't know, just alone things. Masturbating?
Me: Um, yeah he's still there! Where else would he be? He's the star of my nativity scene!
Sister: Listen. I don't want to intrude on your "vision", but I don't think using a dead wasp to play the Baby Jesus in your nativity scene is very festive, and frankly it borders on sacrilegious. I think it's time to throw Keith in the trash.
Me: Do I look like I'm in the business of removing dead bodies? Um, no. Not my job. I'm the captain of my own ship, and that's it. Live and let live, that's my motto.
Sister: Captain of... live and let...what? Becky, you killed him. You trapped him under the glass and he died.
Me: Right. The "live" part of that motto applies to me only. Keith was a wasp, which according to science means he had a sword in his butt. He left me no other choice but to take his air away. If someone broke into your house threatening you with a sword in their butt, you'd take their air away too.
Sister: Okay, well. At least take the glass off him, he's not going anywhere.
Me: I did already! See?
Sister: Oh yeah, you did! And there he is! Hello Keith! You're looking quite hand...some...uh, Becky?
Me: Yeah?
Sister: What's that?
Me: What? Oh, that's Chantal, Keith's corpse bride. She just got here last week.
Sister: (SIGH)
Me: Right. Could you... I'm sorry to be a pain... but could you not breathe out so deeply? They're very brittle. Anyhow, Chantal died on her back, see? Keith died standing up, I think because of honor.
Sister: He died standing up, did he? That's amazing. Say, what have we here on the floor? Tweezers?
Me: Oh, yeah, the light... the light is really good in here, for... eyebrow plucking.
Sister: Two pairs of tweezers?
Me: One for each eyebrow.
Sister: ...
Me: He died standing up.
Sister: Sure. He died this way. Standing up. Next to these tweezers. Becky? What's been going on in here?
Me: Not someone playing with dead things, that's for sure.
Sister: Have you been getting enough "people time" lately?
Me: *shrug* People are stupid.
Sister: Oh, no. This is like that time with the finger puppets all over again. What is this, like, dead wasp theater or something?
Me: Dead wasp what? No! What? No! Pfft. What are you even... that doesn't even make sense! These are dead things! Why would I play with dead things? I don't even...pfft, whatever.
Sister: You are. You're totally playing with dead wasps.
Me: I swear on Jesus Christ Almighty himself that I am most definitely, without a doubt, NOT playing with dead wasps.
Dead Wasp Theater presents
KEITH and CHANTAL
in
JERRY MAGUIRE
Me: But if, hypothetically, I were playing with dead wasps in my living room, I don't see anything wrong with that.
Sister: Maybe you just need to get out. How about I take you out to lunch. Huh? Sound good? Fresh air? Sunshine?
Me: Daylight burns my eyes.
Sister: Come on.
Me: I'm really busy here.
Sister: I'll stay and help you!
Me: No. It's the kind of stuff I can do better alone.
Sister: Oh, really. Alone things? Like what?
ACCESS HOLLYWOOD:
UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS,
KEITH AND CHANTAL
Keith and Chantal Play Couples Charades
Me: Like, I don't know, just alone things. Masturbating?
Sister: You need me to go so you can masturbate?
Me: Apply to law school?
Sister: You're gonna masturbate then apply to law school. You're a regular Johnny-on-the-spot with excuses, you know that?
And now, the world premiere of
the Lifetime Original Movie
A DIFFICULT TRUTH
starring KEITH and CHANTAL
Me: (Sigh.) Alright fine. Please leave so I can play imagination games with my dead wasp friend Keith and his corpse bride Chantal.
Sister: Was that so hard?
Me: Don't slam the door on your way out. Last time the draft blew Keith clear across the room.
Dead Wasp Theater proudly presents...
KEITH AND CHANTAL
in
THE GRADUATE
