Asshole Me rips Asshole Me a new asshole

While sorting through and throwing out all the treasures* I haphazardly packed away in a storage space two years ago, I came upon a little Post-it pad with the word, "Private" written all over it, tucked into a plastic Crayola marker bag. On the first page of the pad was the title: ABOUT ALL 4th GRADE!! and on the Post-its beneath it were my observations about my classmates, written all tiny and secretive.

I love this little Post-it pad artifact, because it shows that even little kids can be assholes. And asshole kids rank up there with inappropriate boners and puttery fart noises on my personal list of funniest things in the world. (As long as the kids aren't assholes to me, because I get hurt feelings.)

Word for word, here's what it says in the private Post-it pad:

Jenny K. is a pretty nice girl. Craig used to like her before she was fat.

Leslie is a pest and picks her nose.

Amy does all these things with boys. She once went into the boys bathroom and stripped. She is discusting.

Katie is so bossy. She thinks she is queen of the world.

Kristina's legs wobble and she is very dumb. She went naked with a boy on our block named Johnny. She took a bath with him because they loved each other. The boy was from Lebanon. Then they got out of the bath and started necking ect...ect... Kristina is discusting. Nice bangs.

Amy E. shows everyone her underwear.

My mom hates me. I know it.

Peggy is nice. I have never been in a fight with her in my whole life.

Brian sucks his elbow and his knee.

Kristina screams a lot, which is dum.

Jason acts like a girl and is very shrimpy but I sort of like him. Very nice not like the rest of the boys.

Jimmy spits in people's eyes by accident and has a very boring life.

Catherine braggs about her home and whenever she is proud of something she puts her eyelids down.

Amy is very clumsy and shows off her haircut.

Kristina has very fat legs. She runs wierd.

Brian is jerky. Andrea tries to defend him just because he gave her a Jolly Rancher candy. He snezzes on everyone and braggs about his lunch witch has: (always) 2 fruit roll ups, 1 pack of cookies, 2 packs of chips, and 1 sandwicth. [Crying jealous sad face]

Jennifer thinks she is queen. Katie is so bossy. She thinks she is queen.

David picks his nose. I just saw.

John A. always calls people nitwit.

I wonder if Jesus was fat?

Todd is stupid, dum, and a robber. He stole lots of things from me and he is a ping pong head.

Craig picks his nose but I still like him because he gave me a baseball glove.

The only thing better than asshole kids is being an asshole back to asshole kids. This rule applies even if both assholes are me. Plus, Kid Me really needs to be taken down a few notches:

Dear 4th grade Becky,

How am I? You are fine. I really enjoyed your in-depth and keenly discerning analysis of your 4th grade class. Some constructive feedback...

1) Jenny is the class fatass, it's true. But guess who's running a close second? That's right, Chubbo. I wouldn't be so quick to throw around the "f" word, because it's flying right backatcha like a boomerang at the rate you're going. Fun Fact: Thomas' English Muffins are not to be used as a vehicle for ingesting as much melted butter as possible. You've got about half a stick hiding in those delicious nooks and crannies, and I'm here to tell you that come 5th grade, you'll be butter's bitch.

2) David picks his nose? Really. Tell me, little one, who else picks their nose that you know? Jenny? Yes, that's right, but who else? Don't look away...you know who. That's right, you do. And you know what else? I bet David doesn't have a booger wall. But who does? That's right. You do. It's your booger wall. No, don't be ashamed, you've worked really hard on it. Show the people. Show the nice readers the 4 foot by 6 foot "mural" above your bed. Crumbly ones, fresh ones, sticky and smeary, twiggy and goopy, it's all there. Good work, Becky.

3) Nobody at your school has ever stripped in the bathroom, so just give it up. You know you just wrote that because you wish you could strip for someone. I don't know what your deal is with stripping, but get this: NOBODY wants to see you strip. Not one fucking person wants to see your little swollen not-even-almost-boobs peering over your fat white kid-belly. Trust me on this. (On a related note, Little Miss Tassles McBooby, if you remember this, please remind yourself in December 1998 to get down off the table at your holiday party. That doesn't end well.)

4) Your friend Kristina? The "screamer" with the "wobbly legs" who "runs weird"? How is it that you're the only person who can't see that the girl has severe developmental disabilities, and that you should stop coaxing her into your dad's car to come home for impromptu playdates every day, because even though she lets you be the boss of her and she laughs at your jokes and always lets you be Daphne when you guys play Scooby Doo, her grandma has her hands full even without the daily kidnappings. Give the woman a break and stop stuffing Kristina into your backseat after school. Oh, and all those "wobbly legs" comments you're writing? Karma's a bitch, is all I'm going to say about that.

5) You wonder if Jesus was fat? Really, do you? Did they have Thomas' English Muffins back in 25 AD, you think? Why don't you just cool it with the bizarre questions about Jesus all the time. Maybe he was fat, maybe he wasn't. Same applies to whether he was black, gay, a midget, gossipy, hairy, sensitive, show-offy, allergic, or Chinese. You're embarrassing yourself, and the nuns are starting to talk.

Regards,

You, only better

*Treasures = one training bra, several old decaying teeth, a battery-operated dancing rat that sings Achey Breaky Heart in Spanish, movie stubs (Doc Hollywood, Postcards From the Edge, Howard the Duck, Back to the Future 3, Dying Young, etc.). You know, just regular treasures. Totally worth two years of storage fees.

Come on, kids! It's sexytime!!

Cleaning out my storage space this weekend, I stumbled upon the most sensual anthology of soft core child erotica anyone's never read, a collection dated back to 1983.

Wait, no, that sounds bad. Not erotica ABOUT children, this is erotica written BY children. Well, only one child actually. And I'm not naming names, because for some reason I've chosen right this very moment to start feeling all bashful and embarrassed, but you can probably infer from everything I wrote between the two commas in this sentence that the author is me.

Anyhow, even as a child, I had an uncanny ability to understand the intricacies of sexual coupling, which is remarkable when you consider that I was only eight years old at the time and had not yet discovered the existence of my own vagina.

Unfortunately, only the last two pages of the story were salvageable. But that's more than enough to take in the full beauty of this erotic masterpiece.

Without further ado...

You totally have the vapors right now, admit it. They are HUGE!! I have to admit, I've never in my life read a bigger pair of boobs. It doesn't get much bigger than huge. This eight nineteen year old must be incredibly sexy and boys just must want to kiss her huge boobs all day long. They are practically lining up around the block to lick them. The boy in this story is out of control with his lust, he's sliming all over the place! There must be spit and snot everywhere, and he's just rubbing it all over the damn place, like wax-on, wax-off. He's the Karate Kid of boob sliming.

As I read and reread this sensual masterpiece, my mind wanders and I can't help but wonder how the story would have progressed if my mom hadn't barged in right at the best part to accuse me of losing my retainer on purpose again GOD it was an accident why do you HATE MEEE!! I had found the time to finish it. I have a pretty good idea though:

...sliming all over my boobs. They are huge. He buries his face in one of my huge boobs and makes a farting noise with his mouth. I moan, "YES." Then he takes them in his hands and flops them back and forth, and he makes a Doioioing!! noise when they hit each other. I am nineteen and this feels good. I am kissing him with my mouth open and tonguing him like crazy, and he whispers to me, "Your boobs are radical." He loves my boobs and so do all the other boys in third grade who are nineteen. We are going to sleep in this hotel room together because we are big enough so that our moms don't even ask what time to pick us up. He stops boinging my boobs for a second and then he looks at me naked and I look at him naked and he says, "You look good naked." And I say, "Thanks" because I like compliments. At midnight or even 2am, I tell him it's time to stop frenching each other's mouths and squeezing my huge boobs because I don't want to get pregnant, because when you're nineteen you can get pregnant and I know this. So he squishes my huge boobs together and uses them as a pillow, and I use the regular hotel pillows, and we go to sleep.

The End

PS: I wear a bra. (Because I totally need one.)